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Seta
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/07 566 total posts
Name:
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how to support a single friend?
I have a friend who is one of the last of us to not be married/have kids. I feel terrible because I can tell it is taking a toll on her. We are all in our mid 30's and she feels like she is not complete. I try to tell her all the time that her life is full and doesn't need to be married to be happy. I try to encourager her to do online/speed dating but she is frustrated..been there done that.
Any ideas on how I could advise her? I know she doesn't want to go through life without being a mother and having her own family, and my heart is breaking for her.
thanks.
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Posted 7/5/12 11:21 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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DaniJude
You're My Home <3
Member since 11/06 14815 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: how to support a single friend?
Oh I have the same exact scenario...
I try to not tell her 'marriage isn't everything' etc. only b/c with her it seems to make her more upset... And it is easy for me to say that being married!! What I try to do instead is tell her positive things: it will happen for you, you will find someone, I just have a feeling, i believe in you, I think this is your summer, your year, etc.
And I just hope that the encouragement works/helps. And I try to go out with her to places where there are singles as much as possible... Try sporting events, baseball games are fun and there are lots of guys there. Also, don't discount anyone... Talk to as many ppl as possible... The 50 year old guy who is friendly on the snack line may strike up a convo with you to be nice....and after introduce you to his hot, single nephew. You neverrrrrr know!!!
Good luck to her!!! Tell her just to remain consistent and devoted... It is hard but important to put yourself out there.
Message edited 7/5/2012 8:26:12 PM.
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| Posted 7/5/12 8:24 PM |
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Beth
The Key to your new home....
Member since 2/06 24849 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: how to support a single friend?
go read my post on on the relationship board about the matchmaker I am using 
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| Posted 7/6/12 8:12 AM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: how to support a single friend?
I really don't know. I go through the same thing. in 2011 my BFFs 3 best friends got married. She was supposed to be getting engaged but she and her long time bf broke up instead. It's really tough for her and I don't know what to say. I just want her to be happy. Sometimes I see her making some bad decisions, and she does go on dates, but nothing has been working out for her. I just want her to be happy.
I WILL look at that matchmaker thread.!
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| Posted 7/6/12 10:03 AM |
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racheK
Hudson's Momma
Member since 10/10 2853 total posts
Name:
Rachel
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Re: how to support a single friend?
I am sort of your friend at this point---I was married at 29 and now divorced at 31 while all my friends are starting to have children. People do tell me all the time that I have a "full" life, etc. but sometiimes you just don't want to hear it and it doesn't help. It doesn't mean you aren't a good friend--I wish I thought my friends were as concerned about me as you are about your friend.
I wish my freinds reached out to me more, tried to make plans like we all used to do as couples. A lot of the friends that were extremely supportive and were so worried about me at first dropped off the radar completely and that hurts. I know they have busy lives but it would be nice to hear from them once in awhile, especially when I know they aren't too busy to update their facebook statuses with their weekly pregnancy updates. So just try to check in with your friend more.
I know you mean well but hearing how full of a life you have when you are single and want a family doesn't help all that much.
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| Posted 7/6/12 10:09 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to support a single friend?
When my co-worker's boyfriend of 10 years broke up with her & she sat sobbing in my office, I told her that it's more important to be married to the right guy than to be married.
When she said "but that was my last chance at having kids", I told her that having kids with the wrong guy was even a worse idea. If you're not on the same page, they get 50% say in raising your child. The guy she was dating was a tool & the type that would swoop in & be the fun weekend guy & take them on sailing weekends with his new girlfriend who would attempt to show what a great future wife & mother she'd be using your kid. And that's not the life you want for your future kid.
She's still alone...and I can tell you why. She's such a miserable person to be around. She has impossibly high standards that no one can meet & is fixated on her ex-bf who pops back into her life after he told her that he felt like he'd be settling if he married her. She will wind up alone. It's her doing even if she doesn't recognize it.
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| Posted 7/6/12 10:11 AM |
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NextChapter
LIF Infant
Member since 12/06 369 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: how to support a single friend?
Posted by racheK
I wish I thought my friends were as concerned about me as you are about your friend.
I wish my freinds reached out to me more, tried to make plans like we all used to do as couples. A lot of the friends that were extremely supportive and were so worried about me at first dropped off the radar completely and that hurts. I know they have busy lives but it would be nice to hear from them once in awhile, especially when I know they aren't too busy to update their facebook statuses with their weekly pregnancy updates. So just try to check in with your friend more.
ITA
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| Posted 7/6/12 10:13 AM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: how to support a single friend?
I know people who are staying in unhappy marriages because they feel they are too old and will never meet anyone else who will want to be with them. That, to me, is a worse alternative.
I also have a friend who decided not to wait for a man to come along and decided to have a baby on her own, which I think is pretty cool, but I hope and pray that she does find the right man someday
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| Posted 7/6/12 10:16 AM |
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how to support a single friend?
At this point, I choose to keep my mouth shut. I've had it said back to me more times than I can count about "how great my life is" and that "I don't know what I am talking about".
What (some) ppl who are single fail to realize, is that just because you're married, or you have a kid, doesn't mean that your life is free from problems.
I have also seen more ppl who are like the woman an another poster described who are single and miserable because of their own doing..........and I KNOW when I point out these "qualities" I will definitely get ripped a new a$$hole.
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| Posted 7/6/12 10:30 AM |
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Seta
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/07 566 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to support a single friend?
Posted by Beth
go read my post on on the relationship board about the matchmaker I am using
Interesting...I will go check..
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| Posted 7/6/12 11:17 AM |
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Seta
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/07 566 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to support a single friend?
Posted by racheK
I am sort of your friend at this point---I was married at 29 and now divorced at 31 while all my friends are starting to have children. People do tell me all the time that I have a "full" life, etc. but sometiimes you just don't want to hear it and it doesn't help. It doesn't mean you aren't a good friend--I wish I thought my friends were as concerned about me as you are about your friend.
I wish my freinds reached out to me more, tried to make plans like we all used to do as couples. A lot of the friends that were extremely supportive and were so worried about me at first dropped off the radar completely and that hurts. I know they have busy lives but it would be nice to hear from them once in awhile, especially when I know they aren't too busy to update their facebook statuses with their weekly pregnancy updates. So just try to check in with your friend more.
I know you mean well but hearing how full of a life you have when you are single and want a family doesn't help all that much.
Thank you so much..this is very helpful...She was in a similar situation...while all of us were getting serious with our spouses and planning a wedding..she was ending a long term relationship..and handling the death of her parent..and now I think it is hitting her and she feels more so that she is "running out of time"...her thoughts..not mine.
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| Posted 7/6/12 11:20 AM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: how to support a single friend?
I do find there are some women who have a checklist. You're never going to find a man who meets your standards on a checklist. But is he trustworthy? does he make you laugh? Do you have similar goals? I even reject the chemistry" notion. My friend has given up on guys after 1 date when there was "no chemistry' but I think sometimes chemistry takes time. People aren't always their most relaxed on a first date, and as you realize you have more in common, I think chemistry can build up or be discovered. I convinced her to try another date with the guy and they found they did have chemistry, but it didn't work out in the end for other reasons.
I never know what to say in these situations because I was EXTREMELY lucky. I married my HS Sweetheart. I have never had to face the adult dating world. Granted, it has NOT been all sunshine and roses with DH in the long long time we've been together. We have been through a lot of struggle and heartache, so my love life has not been a cakewalk either, but because I've been with DH for so long, and it's so clear we're right for each other, it's really hard for me to talk to single friends. I have been through my fair share of struggle, but I have NOT been through what they have, so it's a fina balance
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| Posted 7/6/12 11:22 AM |
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Seta
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/07 566 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to support a single friend?
Posted by JenniferEver
I know people who are staying in unhappy marriages because they feel they are too old and will never meet anyone else who will want to be with them. That, to me, is a worse alternative.
I also have a friend who decided not to wait for a man to come along and decided to have a baby on her own, which I think is pretty cool, but I hope and pray that she does find the right man someday
I totally respect that....I know someone who is doing that too...they feel they don't want to go through life not being a mother and having a marriage is second to them..more power to them.
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| Posted 7/6/12 11:22 AM |
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Seta
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/07 566 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to support a single friend?
Posted by mzsocialworker1
At this point, I choose to keep my mouth shut. I've had it said back to me more times than I can count about "how great my life is" and that "I don't know what I am talking about".
What (some) ppl who are single fail to realize, is that just because you're married, or you have a kid, doesn't mean that your life is free from problems.
I have also seen more ppl who are like the woman an another poster described who are single and miserable because of their own doing..........and I KNOW when I point out these "qualities" I will definitely get ripped a new a$$hole.
lol..so true..
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| Posted 7/6/12 11:23 AM |
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Seta
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/07 566 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to support a single friend?
Posted by nrthshgrl
When my co-worker's boyfriend of 10 years broke up with her & she sat sobbing in my office, I told her that it's more important to be married to the right guy than to be married.
When she said "but that was my last chance at having kids", I told her that having kids with the wrong guy was even a worse idea. If you're not on the same page, they get 50% say in raising your child. The guy she was dating was a tool & the type that would swoop in & be the fun weekend guy & take them on sailing weekends with his new girlfriend who would attempt to show what a great future wife & mother she'd be using your kid. And that's not the life you want for your future kid.
She's still alone...and I can tell you why. She's such a miserable person to be around. She has impossibly high standards that no one can meet & is fixated on her ex-bf who pops back into her life after he told her that he felt like he'd be settling if he married her. She will wind up alone. It's her doing even if she doesn't recognize it.
I do see some of these qualities in her..and I some how don't blame her...I think I too would be miserable if all my friends have moved on with their lives..and if I was stuck alone..maybe the high standards are an excuse to not meeting people.
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| Posted 7/6/12 11:25 AM |
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Leb
LIF Adult
Member since 12/09 4166 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to support a single friend?
One of my best friends was single (ending a long term relationship) while I was getting married and then most of the girls in our circle. I could see it was really hard for her so I made an effort to keep wedding talk to a minimum and also set up "dates" where we'd go out all girls to dinner, maybe for a few drinks, or she and I would go alone to the movies, get out nails done, lunch...Just a few random things here and there.
Now one of my other best friends is getting divorced and I make an effort to hang with her for a glass of wine, or go out with her for drinks just so she can get out of the house and see life does go on.
I think the best way to support is to make some extra time and hang with them, even if it is every other week/weekend.
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| Posted 7/6/12 11:39 AM |
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racheK
Hudson's Momma
Member since 10/10 2853 total posts
Name:
Rachel
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Re: how to support a single friend?
Posted by Seta
Posted by racheK
I am sort of your friend at this point---I was married at 29 and now divorced at 31 while all my friends are starting to have children. People do tell me all the time that I have a "full" life, etc. but sometiimes you just don't want to hear it and it doesn't help. It doesn't mean you aren't a good friend--I wish I thought my friends were as concerned about me as you are about your friend.
I wish my freinds reached out to me more, tried to make plans like we all used to do as couples. A lot of the friends that were extremely supportive and were so worried about me at first dropped off the radar completely and that hurts. I know they have busy lives but it would be nice to hear from them once in awhile, especially when I know they aren't too busy to update their facebook statuses with their weekly pregnancy updates. So just try to check in with your friend more.
I know you mean well but hearing how full of a life you have when you are single and want a family doesn't help all that much.
Thank you so much..this is very helpful...She was in a similar situation...while all of us were getting serious with our spouses and planning a wedding..she was ending a long term relationship..and handling the death of her parent..and now I think it is hitting her and she feels more so that she is "running out of time"...her thoughts..not mine.
Honestly, (and this is for me, maybe not apply to others) I like when people validate/agree with how I'm feeling instead of saying you have so much wonderful things in your life. You can say instead, "you know, you have dealt with a lot of crap, we haven't had it as hard as you have and you've been through a lot. you are strong to be here right now and not easy being in your place." I truly feel like validation goes a long way.
When I was first dealing with my separation (and I know your friend is in a different place than I am but I think this still applies), the amount of people telling me "oh don't worry, you'll be happy again, you'll find a better man!" KILLED me. And the friends that sat with me and said, "You are right, your situation sucks and I understand completely how you feel about life sucking"---those are the friends that actually made me feel better!
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| Posted 7/6/12 11:52 AM |
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