It's always the single friend...

I have heard from my friends and I have heard it here how the single friends don't get the married friends. All my college friends are married and most have or are having babies. Well they NEVER call me. I just send gift after gift after gift seriously...thousands of dollars....and call after call and never get calls back. If I dare to say anything they say they are busy with the kid or husband and their life is just different now....they don't have time. So I just don't get it...why are they busier than me? I have a significant other and a home to take care of...but it is my job to call them? One friend even said it was the twins 2nd birthday and you didnt send a gift...did I lose the address. Hugh???? They didnt invite me to the party or their home....she hasnt called me in two months...a gift...is she out of her mind. She doesn't send me a card for my birthday or even come see me for dinner...

Now what led me to this rant...well I moved away from them all...and not one of them has called me to see how I was or how the move went!! I called them all to say goodbye. Took trips to see the kids and give kisses goodbye...and not ONE call. My single friends that I made since my divorce have called day after day, came and visited already...and not one phone call from my friends of almost 10 years.

The kicker is I know what it's like to be married and have a home and all those responsibiliites. I know kids change things but does that mean I am the one who has to make the effort all the time...cause they are "busier"....and have to work to save the friendships.

Im just furious and hurt...thanks for listening. I am one of those "single" girls that feels the married folks don't get what it's like to be single. How hard it can be to be on your own and trying to find that love of your life amist all the other challenges out there. It works both ways.

Message edited 10/25/2007 9:14:50 AM.

Re: It's always the single friend...

Speaking from the other side, I have to say, it's a mind-life-altering experience to have a child. In the process, you lose a part of yourself, unfortunately. It's the most overwhelming experience I ever went through, and when I thought back to the things that used to stress me out, I LONGED for those days. In the first year, many women experience depression and a feeling of isolation - they long to find some normalcy, until they realize they have to find a "new normal"

I went through all that, and back again, which was exacerbated by the total lack of sleep, and absolutely NO help from my family (dh's family is in Israel). BUT, with that said, at some point, I did find some kind of normalcy in my life and had to make such an extreme effort to maintain some kind of intimacy with my husband, and at the same time, function at my job, AND, reconnect with my friends who didn't yet have children. It's the hardest thing in the world to juggle, BUT, I do it because all of those things are very important to me, which in turn, makes me a better mother.

So, I talk to my single and married but no children friends, at least twice a week. We go out to lunch at least once a week, and I check in on them when they are struggling, send flowers when they break up with their most recent fling, and take them out to dinner at least once a month.

So, I guess the point of my post is that I can certainly *understand* why your friends are living in their own little world at the moment, but, I don't think there's an excuse for it, and I'm truly sorry that you feel abandoned

Many, many hugs to you

Re: It's always the single friend...

I'm sorry they let you down. Everyone is busy, but there is no excuse for being thoughtless.

Re: It's always the single friend...

Re: It's always the single friend...

I am sure its just a phase

Re: It's always the single friend...

Posted by Bxgell2

Speaking from the other side, I have to say, it's a mind-life-altering experience to have a child. In the process, you lose a part of yourself, unfortunately. It's the most overwhelming experience I ever went through, and when I thought back to the things that used to stress me out, I LONGED for those days. In the first year, many women experience depression and a feeling of isolation - they long to find some normalcy, until they realize they have to find a "new normal"

I went through all that, and back again, which was exacerbated by the total lack of sleep, and absolutely NO help from my family (dh's family is in Israel). BUT, with that said, at some point, I did find some kind of normalcy in my life and had to make such an extreme effort to maintain some kind of intimacy with my husband, and at the same time, function at my job, AND, reconnect with my friends who didn't yet have children. It's the hardest thing in the world to juggle, BUT, I do it because all of those things are very important to me, which in turn, makes me a better mother.

So, I talk to my single and married but no children friends, at least twice a week. We go out to lunch at least once a week, and I check in on them when they are struggling, send flowers when they break up with their most recent fling, and take them out to dinner at least once a month.

So, I guess the point of my post is that I can certainly *understand* why your friends are living in their own little world at the moment, but, I don't think there's an excuse for it, and I'm truly sorry that you feel abandoned

Many, many hugs to you

Re: It's always the single friend...

Posted by MrsMessina

Posted by robynfs

I know kids change things but does that mean I am the one who has to make the effort all the time...cause they are "busier"....and have to work to save the friendships.

I'm sorry you're going thru this! I'm the opposite, I'm the married one trying to have kids and i still don't hear from my "friends". I know they're busy and we all have our own lives but come on already.
I wanted to say that you should flat out quote yourself to ALL of your friends--- friendship is supposed to be 50/50. It shouldn't be something that you're supposed to work at. These are your friends and even if it's just dropping you an email or a text message to see if youre available late at night to talk after their kids go to sleep should be a priority to them. You've been thru a lot and need them right now... and as a friend I think you should tell them that. Fight for your friendships if you feel they're worth saving, and give them the benefit of the doubt to an extent. Maybe they dont' know what to say to you b/c none of them are experiencing what you're going thru. Maybe they feel uncomfortable. Call them on it and put your heart out there- if they're true friends, they'll find a way to make things better.

Re: It's always the single friend...

Posted by robynfs


Im just furious and hurt...thanks for listening. I am one of those "single" girls that feels the married folks don't get what it's like to be single. How hard it can be to be on your own and trying to find that love of your life amist all the other challenges out there. It works both ways.

Re: It's always the single friend...

it's so true girl! i have done the marriage and house thing and now being divorced, it is just like that. the friends with kids expect it all, but don't think to give it back to you.

Re: It's always the single friend...

Posted by robynfs

Posted by Bxgell2

Speaking from the other side, I have to say, it's a mind-life-altering experience to have a child. In the process, you lose a part of yourself, unfortunately. It's the most overwhelming experience I ever went through, and when I thought back to the things that used to stress me out, I LONGED for those days. In the first year, many women experience depression and a feeling of isolation - they long to find some normalcy, until they realize they have to find a "new normal"

I went through all that, and back again, which was exacerbated by the total lack of sleep, and absolutely NO help from my family (dh's family is in Israel). BUT, with that said, at some point, I did find some kind of normalcy in my life and had to make such an extreme effort to maintain some kind of intimacy with my husband, and at the same time, function at my job, AND, reconnect with my friends who didn't yet have children. It's the hardest thing in the world to juggle, BUT, I do it because all of those things are very important to me, which in turn, makes me a better mother.

So, I talk to my single and married but no children friends, at least twice a week. We go out to lunch at least once a week, and I check in on them when they are struggling, send flowers when they break up with their most recent fling, and take them out to dinner at least once a month.

So, I guess the point of my post is that I can certainly *understand* why your friends are living in their own little world at the moment, but, I don't think there's an excuse for it, and I'm truly sorry that you feel abandoned

Many, many hugs to you

I really appreciate this thoughtful response. I do understand a lot of the feelings that go on when you first have a baby...at least as much as I can with not actually having one.... and that's why I extend myself so much to all of them by visits, calls and babysitting. I have really tried to stay involved and a source of support for them. Like you said, I feel abandoned. My efforts have not been recipricated and because I care for them deeply just don't want to let go....but will.

I do have great friends...this is 3 or 4 from college that have just hurt me so much. I do feel lucky for what I do have though...sorry for the rant.

Re: It's always the single friend...

Posted by Bxgell2

Don't apologize - I honestly think your friends are acting terribly hurtful and selfish. It IS a two-way street, and that's the only reason why the bonds I have with my non-married or non-children friends still remain so strong, because we both see it as important and both make the effort. If your friends aren't doing that for you, before you give up, I'd make one last effort to say something, and then move on. That's the hurtful, and beautiful part of life - that everything ebbs and flows, changes and evolves. Those friends will eventually be replaced, if they haven't already, with people who really DO care and extend themselves

Re: It's always the single friend...

Posted by Phyl

Posted by robynfs


Im just furious and hurt...thanks for listening. I am one of those "single" girls that feels the married folks don't get what it's like to be single. How hard it can be to be on your own and trying to find that love of your life amist all the other challenges out there. It works both ways.

I can totally relate Robyn!

Re: It's always the single friend...

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is definitely wrong of your friends to treat you this way. In fact, what your friend did by asking if you lost her address re: the gifts for her children is disgusting- no matter if your married, have kids or are single.

But that being said, as a mom myself, I definitely noticed that the efforts I made with my friends (single, married, with kids) have definitely gone down since I had DD. I work full time, want to spend quality time with DD and with DH together, and alone with each DD and DH. Then there is my family (sister and mom) and then comes friends. Oh yeah- and then ideally I would like to spend some "me" time.

And my friends who have moved away definitely get the worst of it. It took me until a few months ago to realize I need to make more efforts to keep my friendships alive.

But at no point did these girls ever change their place in my heart. They are as special to me as ever. Its just my circumstances have changed and my time is more limited. At the end of the day, I am just beat. The thought of talking on the phone is so hard for me. I am pretty good at e-mailing though.

Just understand that it is very hard having a child and maintaining friendships. That doesn't excuse totally blowing off your friends, especially during a rough time. But it takes a while to figure out how to balance it all.

Re: It's always the single friend...

I was the last of most of my friends to get married and am now having a child, where they are done having children. What I found is that communication with them in the early years of being a mom dwindled quite a bit. I lived out of state, so I only saw them a few times a year anyway, but some seemed to not put much effort into staying in touch or talking about things other than their houses and families.

What I have noticed now is that as their kids have gotten older, they have a lot more time to socialize and do things without the kids. If they are friends worth keeping, you might have to cut them some slack for a few years while they try to balance everything they have going on. I do think asking for a gift at any time is rude and obnoxious.

Re: It's always the single friend...

I am sorry your friends are being selfish. I have to say, that I have a DD (a 17 month old), a DH, a home, and I work three days a week. Plus, I am recovering from heart surgery and on the days I do not go into the office I am going to cardiac rehab, so yes, I am very busy.

BUT

I always call from my car on the cell phone to leave a message for friends. I send emails even if it is two sentences long just to say "things have been hetic but i am thinking of you" or something. I have a few friends that after they had kids dropped off the face of the earth and you know what, they have always been selfish. I was ALWAYS the one to call, email, etc. even before they had kids. WHen I had my surgery I truly found out who my real friends were. I mean, one of my friends is in school full time, working full time, planning a wedding while her fiancee is in Minnesota (MAyo Clinic) for a fellowship and SHE took a day off of school to come to visit me in the hospital. I would have done the same for her. Another friend of mine live on LI and I am upstate. We call each other on our way to work or on your way home like 3X's a week. Even if we talk for five minutes, we know we are there for each other.

Point is, you make the time for the people YOU feel are important, kids or no kids, DH or no DH. Sorry you are seeing your "friends" true colors now. At least you know who your REAL friends are.

Message edited 10/25/2007 10:17:27 AM.

Re: It's always the single friend...

Re: It's always the single friend...

Posted by baghag

I'm sorry they let you down. Everyone is busy, but there is no excuse for being thoughtless.

One friend even said it was the twins 2nd birthday and you didnt send a gift...did I lose the address. Hugh???? They didnt invite me to the party or their home....she hasnt called me in two months...a gift...is she out of her mind. She doesn't send me a card for my birthday or even come see me for dinner...

And that is just plain GREEDY!

Message edited 10/25/2007 11:32:31 AM.

Re: It's always the single friend...

Many of life changes, also chage your relationships as well. Kids, marriage, divorce all of these things. But with any relationship if you are the only one working on it, how long do you keep that up. Their kids are not an excuse for that. Especially the friend who can find the time to call and ASK for a gift but not to see how your move was, sorry but that is just RUDE! So sorry you have to go thru this, but in MPO I think friendships need to be re-evaluated every once in a while to see if they are still worth the Work! Seems harsh to say, but some are fullfilling and some are just draining. In my life I don't need anything to drain or take away from my life, so I choose to give to those who I think are worth it. GL

Re: It's always the single friend...

I would be ****** about the friend with the 2nd birthday. It's tacky to ask for a gift, no matter how you look at it.

I have had married friends with kids before I was married and honestly didn't have this problem. But they were stay-at-home moms too.

I would tell your friends that you are sick of this one-sided relationship, and if they value your friendship, they will start putting in some effort.