I am not trying to start drama but...

DH and I were having a conversation about this topic the other night and I am just curious as to peoples opinions. We were talking about all of this genetic testing and if it does more harm than good and so on. I know 2 people who were told their babies had Down's syndrome and neither of them did. Then I have 1 friend who said if they told her there was a good chance she would terminate the pregnancy (she is late 30's). It's almost like I don't even want to have all these tests done, it is so scary and sad. I am just curious to the following....I am so sorry if I am offending anyone I really don't mean to it's just a real life question.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

Well I will say it. I honestly dont know if I would be able to handle it. I know people who have children with Down's syndrome and other issues. I give them A LOT of props. its very hard and very hands on ( not that being a perent isnt) but this is in a different way. I also could not handle the fact that is some A$$ said something about or to my child in a negative way, I would want to punch them in the face. So to answer the question, I checked terminate the pregnancy. JMHO.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

I personally would continue the pregnancy. Down's children are very special and yes, more work than a "normal" child, however, it is my belief that God put him / her there for a reason and so be it...

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

For me, it's one of those situations that I would actually have to be in before I could answer.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

I would not opt for those tests, but if I knew my child may have a disability, I would not terminate the pregnancy. I am a firm believer that God only gives you what you can handle and if that's who I was pregnant with, then that's meant to be my child. However, I do not judge those who decide to terminate the pregnancy - it's a personal decision.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

For some reason this popped in my head this week and we discussed it-we would terminate the pregnancy. Emotionally I know I would break down and withdraw-so DH would have to deal with a diabled baby and me. God and I have had this discussion in my head and I told him I am only human and I am flawed. SOme can handle it and some cant.
Another reason is that I am a sickly person and the emotional stress could potentially take me away from a child that would need me.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

There are a few things to consider if you have this child with disability.

1. can you honestly say you would be able to give equal amount of attention to another child in your household w/o the disability? we all know it takes alot more money, time and patience with a disabled child.

2. having this disabled child means you would give up on conceiving another child who may not be disabled.

3. are you prepared to care for this disabled child for the rest of her/his life, not just until 18 or 21 after he/she has gone off to college?


This topic is close to my heart because a good friend of mine had to make the decision to terminate a few weeks ago and I felt so sad for her.

It would have been her second but she chose to terminate upon her doctor's recommendation. The child would have a serious heart condition that would require more attention and money to care for.

Being that she had one daughter already, my friend didn't feel it would be fair to her 1st born to give more attention and care to a sicklier 2nd child. Among many other reasons...

I can honestly say I would do the same thing.

Yes a child is a precious gift from god but I whole-heartedly feel that every human being on this earth should be raised to be fully self-sufficient.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

I just want to say that I am so happy you ladies took this poll and responded with such honesty. I admire your willingness to be open and share. thank you because it has made me feel less guilty. My DH really does not feel that he would be able to handle it well. He would of course do whatever it took but he was straightforward with me that HE would def choose to terminate if there was a good chance and I was apalled but the more I thought about it the more I see his point. I mean I want my children to have a good QUALITY of life and I think the real burden would be more on them than on me and if they really needed me what would they do when I can no longer provide them with the care they need....that scares me as well.

When you have an amnio do they just gove you an odd or a DEFINITE answer as to the test results???

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

you also bought some good points about what would happen to them when you're not around... yes that is a definite issue because selfless as it seems to want to raise a disabled child, you're not going to be around forever to take care of him/her.

anyway, after the amino my friend was told her odds were 50/50 that the child would have problems ... it wasn't a definite as i'm sure doctors are not allowed to make such predictions about survival or disability rate.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

DH and I honestly have no idea what we would do but would probably not terminate.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

From what I understand- the amnio is a definite, not odds.

People usually opt out of the amnio because of the half percent chance od miscarriage....

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

Not TTC yet, but as the sibling of someone with a disability, I'm so glad my mother did not have an amnio. Back then, since it was her first child, she did not get all those tests, as they assumed all was well. My sister was born with spinabifida, and the doctors predicted the WORST. Well, although she walks with a cane, and life can be hard, I won't lie, she is an independent, successful woman living on her own with a master's degree in psychology and running her own practice. So for all those women who would consider terminating...just think of the flipside. Please don't misunderstand, this question doesn't bother me..it just hits close to home.

Edited to add, my parents were only 23, and the doctors were so pessimistic, they probably would have. Isn't that scary? From everything comes a lesson. We are a strong, hopeful, close family and my parents are the most admirable people I know. Believe me, I'm scared, too, since it runs in the family, I am already high risk for this particular one.

Message edited 1/7/2007 9:26:15 AM.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

I had the battery of genetic tests for Ashkenazi Jews that one would take BEFORE pregnancy and they all came back negative - thank goodness. Down Syndrome is not one of these disorders that is tested for - it can only be tested for after a woman gets pregnant.

When DH and I had our first TTC meeting with our doctor, he strongly suggested, (borderline insisting) on amnio when we do get pregnant because of my age - I am 36. We wholeheartedly and easily agreed. Amnio tests for chromosomal abnormalities or various genetic birth defects. It is a rather conclusive test. I dont believe it gives odds.

My parents had a son that was born with Down Syndrome the year before I was born. He died at 10 weeks - never came home. He was even too ill to have had a bris and thus never had a Hebrew name.

Back then, amniocentesis was hardly done and if it was done, it was done very far into the pregnancy. The thing with Down Syndrome is that there are varying levels of functioning and amnio cannot tell you how high or low the child's functioning will be. You could have a child who can live a semi-independent life in a group home or residence, or you can have a child who will need 24 hour supervision and hospitalization for medical purposes. There is no way to tell - to my knowledge.

There are also a multitude of medical issues that come with it - namely heart problems.

My brother was born with so many medical issues surrounding his disability. My parents had 3 children at home. They had to make a choice to have him raised in a setting which, back then, would have been referred to as "therapeutic foster care" with people who were trained to care for infants and children with disabilities. My parents were older to begin with and knew they couldn't address this child's needs they way he needed them.

Sadly, my brother died before this all happened and my parents had to bury an infant. They never got over it. We only recently placed a stone at his grave at the same time when we laid a stone for my father a year after Dad died - just about what would have been my brother's 37th birthday.

Based on my family's experience and my own personal (as well as professional) knowledge, I would have every test known to man. Would I terminate a pregnancy? I dont know. I would need to have all of the information in front of me. I too will be an older mother. I too will more than likely deliver a child at the same age my mother delivered my brother and myself.

I have been teaching children with special needs for 11 years. Their lives are not easy. One would think that I would be very well equipped to care for a child with a disability based on my education and experience. I think I would have an advantage knowing exactly how to advocate for my child making sure that he or she gets everything they need in terms of school, related services, therapies etc...But I will say this, I would have an IMMENSE fear for the future of my child when I am no longer around to advocate for them. It is very very scary.

Message edited 1/7/2007 4:35:33 PM.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

Thank you Goldi for sharing your experience. That must have been so difficult. But like you said, not every case has such a sad ending. What a horrible thing for your family to go through. I am in awe at how this poll is split into thirds. I appreciate all the sharing, it is shedding light on the topic for me. Thanks again.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

I'm not TTC or pregnant, so I did not answer the poll because I didn't want to input where it wasn't wanted.

I will say that my SIL had an amnio and was awaiting the results when my mom asked her why she had it done. My SIL was a bit puzzled and asked why my mom was asking. My mom was a little surprised because to her it was the same result good or bad to her, she would have the child, so why have the test? It doesn't better prepare you, or make you change your mind. Either you have the baby, or you don't, that is what my mom and SIL agreed on.

So my SIL never called for the results. My 13 year old niece is perfect! (especailly since she looks so much like me ).

So, to each their own. That is what my mom was trying to say. Hope my long drawn out story helps!

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

I think it most definitely can prepare you....

My friend gave birth to a baby girl with Down syndrome (severe). She opted to NOT have the amnio because all of her screening results came back within the normal range. The weeks following her child's birth were filled with mourning for the "normal" child they THOUGHT they were having, and then scrambling for information about how to deal with the special needs that come with the Down population.

Although she says she would never wish she didn't have her daughter, knowing what to expect would have been helpful to prepare her.

Message edited 6/4/2009 11:15:45 AM.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

I really couldn't answer this , I guess I would have to be in the situation, but I always think if you have a child with disability, his /her siblings will be the ones to suffer later on down the line . That is the biggest thing that I think about.

ETA : Not TTC

Message edited 1/8/2007 10:59:05 AM.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

My AFP scores came back higher than they should for Downs Syndrome. My Dr. wasn't concerned, but asked me if I wanted to have an amnio. I opted not to have the amnio because of the miscarriage risks, but also, I don't want to know.

all I know is I love and want this baby more than anything in my life. I cannot pick and choose what kind of child I want. I work with special needs kids and am an autism and behavior consultant.

It is my biggest fear to have a child with special needs, but I feel this child is meant to be....

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...

whether or not i would terminate a pregnancy would depend on what the abnormality in the fetus was. i would need to have at least a ballpark idea of what the baby's prognosis would be.

through my job i have been around a lot of sick kids that pretty much live in the hospital. i just can't imagine bringing a child into the world who would have that quality of life. and, selfishly speaking, i could not bear to see my child poked and prodded by doctors for his/her whole life. if i thought that would be the case for my baby, i would terminate.

right now i am working at a psychiatric facility. a few months ago i had a patient who was moderately mentally retarded. he was so vulnerable because of his disability - he didn't respect others' personal space and got himself punched in the face by another patient because of it. i was so devastated over this - and i was only his doctor - i cannot even begin to imagine what his mother must feel every day. if i knew my child would be mentally challenged to the point of not being able to care for him or herself, i would terminate.

Re: I am not trying to start drama but...