I feel like a failure

I dont know what I am doing... I know there isnt a handbook on babies but I really wish there were.

I have been sleeping in bed with DS since he has been born (he is 6 weeks old now) and I am starting to feel REALLY guilty. I was happy at first because I was getting at least 6 hours of sleep and feeling like I was "cheating the system" of being up all night with a crying baby.

But recently (the last 2-3 nights) I feel guilty. We have NO schedule as far as sleeping or feeding. Well actually DS has a bedtime of around 1:30am and then wakes up at 4am and then 7am to eat (I am EBF). I am pretty much following his schedule of feeding for a 1/2 hour, playing for an hour, sleeping for 2-3 hours and then it starts all over again 24/7. Its not so bad because I am a SAHM but I mean, am I messing up everything?

I tried to put him in the crib after rocking him to sleep and then he cries after 10 minutes and then I think he is too young to CIO but I dont know what I am doing anymore.

I know he is very very young still and you cant "spoil" a newborn but am I causing bad habits that will get harder and harder to break?

In all honesty I dont know what I am doing when it comes to putting DS to sleep. Are you supposed to rock them to sleep everytime they cry? Are you supposed to leave them there as long as you know they are fed and dry and warm?

I am already telling DH that I will never have a 2nd baby because I am messing up this one. I am feeling hopeless... thank you for listening and if anyone has any advice or websites or anything I would appreciate it.

Re: I feel like a failure

is he breathing? is he happy? is he fed? is there a roof on his head? THEN UR DOING A GREAT JOB!!

there is no handbook--do what works for YOU!

Re: I feel like a failure

Dont be so hard on yourself...You are doing a great job.

The 1st 3 months tends to be the most difficult time and you are not making a bad habit.

You are right, he is too young for CIO.
if he isnt sleeping in the crib, have you tried a bassinet or a co sleeper? At least he is right next to you.

I had NO schedule for DD. I was home, going to bed late with her, waking up at any time of nite to feed her, letting her sleep on my chest or my bed as well.

As of 3wks ago, she is finally in a crib and sleeping through the nite. She is 6 months old.

You have to do what is good for you and you are not spoiling your baby...you are just being a good mommy.

All will work out and fall into place

Message edited 10/26/2007 10:55:12 AM.

Re: I feel like a failure

6 weeks is too young to CIO. From what I have been told and read, a baby that age needs you every time they cry. They need to know that you are there to comfort them, every time, as tiring as it gets. My ped told me 4 mos was a good age to start the CIO method.

Hang in there and follow your instincts. You are not messing the baby up. I had these exact same thoughts. But what I have learned in Devin's 6 short months is to follow my gut and that will make me the best mommy I can be. Cherish this time when he still needs you b/c from what I hear, they grow up TOOOO fast.

Hang in there! I used to hate it when people would tell me that it gets better b/c I didn't believe them. But now I'm one of them. TRUST ME, it gets SOOOOO much better and it is all so worth it!!!!

Re: I feel like a failure

Re: I feel like a failure

Don't feel hopeless. It sounds like you are doing everything right. There really is no schedule when they are that young. You have to just take it as they give it unfortunately. If you want to start putting DS into his own bed/cradle, maybe try rocking him until he is almost asleep, then transfer him, but let him make the transition to fully sleeping by himself. I do think he is too young for CIO. I would leave a dry, fed, warm baby to cry for a couple of minutes but not much more than that. Maybe the crib feels to open and scary for him? Perhaps you could try a bassinett, which would be more confining for him? These are my only suggestions, because as I said it really sounds like you aren't doing anything wrong with him. It sounds like you're doing a great job.

Re: I feel like a failure

you are so NOT messing up!!!! please don't get down on yourself. your son is still so young and you are ebf, which should be on demand. young babies that are responded to quickly and lovingly, grow up to be independent and secure. it's the babies that are left to cry that have no trust in the world that grow up frightened and with some problems. there is no "set" timeline, so don't think he "should" be sleeping through the night or "should" be in his crib or he "should" have a schedule. he counts on the fact that you are going to respond to him, WHENEVER he needs it!!!

you are doing a fantastic job, mama!!! it is hard work raising an infant and you have to do whatever works for your family!!!!

if it makes you feel any better, my babies are 5 months and i still have them in the cosleeper, next to my bed, it makes it so much easier to ebf.

Re: I feel like a failure

Honestly, most new mom's go through these feelings of inadequacy at one time or another. I used to over-analyze everything with DD. Eventually I just had to do what was best for the times being. For 2 months DD slept with us and we wondered whether we were setting ourselves up for a difficult transition to the crib. You know what....it was fine. When she was a newborn, I held her 24/7 and wondered if she'd be spoiled and guess what....it was fine.

Really, just know that you are doing the best that you know how to do and it will work out. Some of things that you will do questioningly....you will change.

I know I will do some things differently with the next child but that's just from having some experience now. We all live, learn and grow & it makes us better people.

You are great mom. You'll think back to this post months from now and will have a whole new perspective.

Re: I feel like a failure

You are not a failure at all.
U are doing a great job don't be so hard on yourself.

The first 8 weeks is hard. There is no schudle at all.

I did the samething let her sleep on my chest or in bed with us. I love the feeling and they love it to cause they hear your heart beat and love the warmth

Just so i could get some sleep. I did the same thing.

Everyone goes though a faze.

U are right he is to young to CIO.

have u tried putting him in there after he is done eating cause they get tired after cause they are full.

Have u tried differnts things like have him in a blanket tight like a burrito. But him on his side. DD would never sleep on her back it was always on her side.

U are doing a great job as being a mommy.

It will all fall into place as u want it to be

Re: I feel like a failure

wow. if you failed, then i failed lol.. You sound like me with the baby, my dd will be 5 weeks old tomorrow and we have no schedule.. DH was telling last night "thats it, you must keep her up during day, no more sleeping all day b/c she has trouble sleeping at night" ---NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!! i told him.. She is just a newborn and she needs sleep.. the reason she was having trouble last night (which is not a common thing with her and by the way it wasnt even late) was b/c i ate Taco Bell for dinner and she refused to feed from the breast (happened once before so i know its Taco Bell).

I will be going back to work after Thanksgiving, i figure it will all work out adventually. She used to feed every hour, now she seems to go about 3 hours and well she sleeps when she wants to.. i figure she grows when she does so why am i going to wake her for anything uther than eating..

I think your doing great with baby.. If your happy and Baby is happy thats all that matters.

Re: I feel like a failure

Diane, please don't feel this way...this is the time to see what works for the both of you...if thats the kind of arrangement works for you and your DS then let it be...don't change anything. its later on, beginning at 3 months that you should start implementing a little sleeping and eating schedule...and that I believe is still too early...hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself!

Re: I feel like a failure

Honey, it is totally normal to not have a schedule at that age!

I EBFed all of my kids, and they all slept in bed with me too. I had no issues later on getting them to sleep in their own bed.

If what you are doing is working for you then keep doing it

Re: I feel like a failure

Diane....you are NOT a failure...you are a great mom and clearly you love your son and have the best of intentions for him.

If I were to describe the first 2 months of motherhood in one word...I would honestly have to say: ROUGH

We laugh about it now, but at one point I turned to my husband, started crying and when he asked what was wrong I said "we should have gotten a dog instead" and I meant it. Now I tell Lucas that I am glad I have him instead of the dog (we'll get the dog later )

You are NOT messing anything up. I consider the first 2 months a survival time. You do whatever it takes. Usually around the time you start questioning things (like right now for you) you can start to institute some changes - SLOWLY. It was around this time for us that we had to makes some changes for Lucas as well. I think if you were to look back to July my posts sounded exactly like yours - and all were focused around sleep.

I can tell you what I did but I will also say that you have to find what you are comfortable with and what works for you.

At around 5 weeks I started really questioning what I was doing and what was going on. I finally decided that I needed to be tough and get a handle on things. We started sleeping Lucas on his belly (again this was our choice and I am not trying to push anything on you). We did let him CIO for no more than 10 minutes until picking him up, soothing him, and starting over. I remember sitting on the couch while Lucas was in his crib (he has been in the crib since the end of week 1 when we brought him home) in my DHs arms crying while Lucas cried. But by day two he started falling asleep after crying and by day 4 he just stopped crying when I put him down. He sort of just hugged the mattress and closed his eyes.

I think back on that time and have to laugh. DH and I tried so many "techniques" - some worked and some did not. We used to hold him real tight (he hated being swaddled in a blanket but clearly loved the idea of the swaddle...so we swaddled him in our arms basically) and keep him warm while he finished a bottle. Then when he fell asleep we would transfer him into the crib but (we each had our own way) I would take him from the cradle position in my arm to the upright position on my chest and then put him down (in the beginning it was on his back and after that it was on his belly) as soon as he was on the mattress I would keep my arms around his body on both sides so that he could still sense my warmth and then slowly move them away. We must have looked so funny - but it worked.

The other thing that has been my lifesaver...routine! At pretty much the same time every night (there are going to be exceptions here and there but for the most part we try to preserve the schedule) we play, then bath, we say good night to every thing I see ont he way to his room (always the same calming sing-song tone to indicate bedtime) then bottle as I rock him to sleep. Once asleep in my arms I put him in the crib. If he doesn't close his eyes...he goes down anyway by a certain time. Now I find that if he is overtired he will scream after the bath but it's because he knows he is going to sleep and gets impatient...kinda cute. If I sing to him he calms down.

In the next few weeks you will come up with a routine and you'll see the change. The fact that you are asking these questions, to me, means that you are ready to implement some changes...and your son will respond to your cues.

Re: I feel like a failure

Thank you everyone!
Looking at him smiling most of the time must mean I am doing something right but I have never wanted to be perfect for someone else before. I love DS so much, it hurts me to think I am doing anything wrong when it comes to caring for him.

Right now it feels great to wake up and see him next to me but I want what is best for him, not me.

Thank you again everyone, I really dont know what I would do without you all!

Message edited 10/26/2007 11:28:15 AM.

Re: I feel like a failure

You are so NOT a failure! Don't ever say that! You are a new mom and we have all felt this way at one point. Babies do not come with a handbook of instructions. The 1st few months are the hardest ever and I used to be like "God let these months go by fast" thinking that it would get easier as they get older. Well it doesn't. You definitely get the hang of things for sure but it's still not easy street... Being a parent is the most challenging job out there. No other job can compare to being a Parent. But hang in there you'll make it. In a few more months you'll be a pro... You are doing a great job as a new mommy...And we are always here when you need us...

So don't ever ever say you feel like a failure...

Re: I feel like a failure

eta...Now I regret saying "God let these months just go by" cuz they did and now my baby boy is almost 17 months and now I find myself saying "oh I wish he was a newborn again" and we all know we can't hit the rewind button on this one...

Re: I feel like a failure

You are NOT spoiling him! It's not possible, IMO. He's way too young. I slept in the living room chair EVERY night with DD every night until she was like 2.5 or 3 months. She would NOT sleep on her own, no matter how hard we tried. But we kept trying, for a minute here and there, to put her down when she was sleeping...she'd wake up screaming, but eventually she stayed longer and longer. Now, at 4 months, she sleeps on her own, in her crib, and has done so for over a month.

Do what you need to do to get rest for you and baby! As long as you're both safe and content, things WILL work out in the end.

Re: I feel like a failure

Diane, you are doing fine!! I know how you feel, my DS is the same age, but all I have to go by is what everyone is saying on here, that at this age we should just do what works, trust our mommy instincts, and don't try to institute a schedule just yet. Go with the flow, follow the baby's lead.

You will eventually find a way to get DS to sleep in his crib. You just do what works at the moment ... I have been practically nursing my DS to sleep, which I really didn't want to get in the habit of because I eventually I'm going to stop BFing...but for now, thats what works.

Also, at night (6pm-10pm) he wants to nurse pracitcally every hour, and he only eats for 10 minutes then gets distracted ...so frustrating... but theres nothing else I can do... I think for now we just have to do what they want.

Try not to stress, we have to believe it will get better and things will start falling into place!

Message edited 10/26/2007 11:42:04 AM.