I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

I apologize in advance b/c this is long...

I really feel awful - as DH and I were driving back to Kessler from home (had an appointment I needed to come home for) we were talking about our anniversary coming up and how with everything going on it didn't even cross my mind. So, he kind of got quiet and I was like - let's just celebrate everything next year when Kenneth is better... birthdays, holidays, anniversaries b/c I'm not in the frame of mind... I kind of waited for him to be like OMG I know, right?? and when he didn't say anything I didn't know what to say - there was just quiet...

So, after a few minutes he was like I've been saving for about four months (nothing crazy - just tucking away some extra cash after bills) for your gift. I was like ...now I feel terrible. I had nothing in mind for him - figured our trip to Jamaica in December was enough for us both. He's like did you really think I was just going to let our one year wedding anniversary go by like nothing? I didn't think about it to be honest -- b/c I've had so much going on - honestly, I feel BAD even thinking about buying a gift or going to dinner or doing anything "fun" b/c of my brother - I don't even want to celebrate a birthday and stuff.

OK, I'm rambling - I'm sorry. I know DH understands and he's not really upset or mad - I just feel like I have kind of tossed our life aside and forgot all about things that mean a lot to him -- and they mean a lot to me too. Now, it is starting to hit me that HIS birthday is coming up (August 30th) and I didn't even realize or have anything planned. This convo got me thinking and it dawned on me that I have to do something. He's been kind of quiet all night now - what do I do??

OK, I'm done.

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

I think it's totally understandable that you have put your life on "hold" while Kenneth recovers. You have been overwhelmed with more than anyone should have to deal with.

At the same time, it is important that you take the time to celebrate the special times in your life, no matter how trivial they seem in light of everything going on with Kenneth. Just remember that doing simple, pleasant things like going out to a nice dinner, or spending quality time with DH, will help your own mental and emotional health and will make you even better able to be a support for your brother.

Maybe just plan some alone time for you and DH for his birthday. Either go out or bring in a nice dinner, or make his favorite food. Maybe have a picnic. Take part of the day to spend some time alone together.



ETA: Also remember that Kenneth would not want you to let the important milestones in your and DH's lives slip by.

Message edited 8/22/2008 11:15:26 PM.

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

I totally understand.
When my mother had her surgery last year, my birthday was a month or so later and I just didn't feel like celebrating. I just didn't have it in me. So, I asked everyone to just skip my birthday and we did. I actually spent it at the hospital with my mom, which was way more important to me.

I'm sure your husband understands...you can do a little something for him for his birthday. But, maybe just sit down and explain to him beforehand that you just aren't in the celebrating mood with everything else going on. Tell him how you feel guilty while this is happening...next year will be better, I promise.

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

I totally understand where you are coming from....

But maybe you need to ask yourself what would Kenneth want you to do???

Would he want you not to celebrate your one year anniversary on his account???

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

It is completely understandable that you would be so focused on Ken and his recovery--but it would not be a bad thing if you were to focus a little bit on yourself and your hubby!!

You have sacrificed so much to be with Ken all the time--I am sure he'd want you to celebrate DH's birthday and your anniversary--he'd probably be mad at you if you didn't!!!

Tell your hubby you're sorry, and enjoy a little time together!!

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

I totally understand your feelings... I've been there

BUT, I will say that it's not emotionally healthy to push your entire life to the side to attend to your brother. It's ok to do in the short term, but it can mess you up in the long term. I've done the exact same thing myself in the past, and frankly, it took a very very long time for me to re-adjust to a normal life again.

I think that conversation with your DH made a little lightbulb go off in your head... I think the feelings you're having right now may be a fear that you're not paying enough attention to your DH, despite him meaning so much to you.

If I'm right, if I were you, I'd celebrate the man who stood by your side throughout all of the pain and stress..... really show him in a special and personal way how much you appreciate him... don't just do something quick and easy... do something really well thought out....

I think he would be super-duper touched....

hope this helps.......

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

Thanks so much for all the feedback and support.

I feel bad for Vin - he has been so great to me through this and I just thought, in the back of my mind, that I'll make it up to him one day when Kenneth's all better. Like, in my mind that simple little "fix" worked. In reality, it is going to take a loong time for Kenneth to be better so at this point I have to do something in between b/c otherwise we'll end up just going through the motions of each day and missing out on important things.

Thanks again for all the perspectives and ideas.

...and for listening to me whine. lol.

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

It's completely normal for you to feel that any celebration should be put on hold. When my brother was in a car accident and left in a coma, I quit my job without a 2nd thought because I needed to be there all day/everyday with him and all of our family.The only focus in our lives was my brother coming out of the coma and getting him into the best rehab place possible. My parents rented a condo next to Moss Rehab and I would stay with them. At times, we didnt even know what day it was..The first holiday we celebrated was Easter and that's because our ENTIRE family (100 +) came up to Moss Rehab and a local Italian Restaurant closed it's doors to the public and allowed us to have Easter dinner with my brother~ I am sure Vinny understands what your going through..he may be wanting to do things for you to get your mind off whats going on with your brother...



ETA: dont let your first anniversary come and go..celebrate it!! It only comes around once and your brother would want for you both to celebrate it...

Message edited 8/23/2008 8:28:54 AM.

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

Awww Danielle....what I wanted to say has already been said. Don't forget that you need to take care of yourself and your relationships, too! You know your brother understands that, and wants you to be happy, too! Your husband definately deserves a memorable birthday celebration, and you shouldn't feel guilty giving it to him! Do something sentimental to show him how much you really do care!

Re: I feel so bad - a bit of a vent.

I think your reaction was normal and I a sure your DH understands.

But take from this experience how precious life is and how you have to cherish every moment because you just never know whats next.

It will take an extra effort now, but celebrate what should be celebrated