I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

No quoting please

DH and I are moving into a new apartment. Ever since I signed the lease, I swear I have heard nothing but complaints!!!

First of all, the apartment is beautiful and centrally located for the both of us. However, since he is not 5 minutes away from his job, his gym, it does not matter that this will make our work commutes even (he'd rather live in western suffolk and be next door to his job, while I have to treck to the hamptons)! We are moving to a location that we will both have half hour commutes! I think that is more than fair, since he gets to stay home if it snows/rains, yet I still have to go to work.

The apartment was very inexpensive, we got it on a special, and we don't have to pay 1 month of rent. Plus it's in a nice, quiet community. He complains that he does not like the way the place is layed out. He complains that I want to get new furniture, since this is our first, NICE place that we have together since I started working too, and we are going to be there for 2 years (mind you, another bonus, our rent will stay the same throughout the 2 years). He complains about "his stuff, his stuff, his stuff", there is no room for all of "his stuff", and he wants what he wants. He wants furniture that we can't even FIT into our apartment! In our first apartment, I did not have ANY of my stuff, but a few nicknacks and a filing cabinet! I am getting rid of my stuff too, so we can get better (no cheap). I want the place to look nice...sue me! I don't want, nor can we fit, a weight machine in the middle of our living room. We can not have a 60" desk in the living room either...on a wall that's only 45" tops (unless he wants to block the door of the biggest closet we have?! That, mind you, I was letting him solely use, meanwhile I have no storeage space myself!).

I am so boggled down with everything I can not listen to him complain anymore! I have tried to compromise. I have said that we will go shopping together and he can pick what he wants, as long as it fits the dimensions of the walls and does not have a hutch (since the wall is kind of a balcony). Am I completely out of line here? I did not bellyache when I could not bring my stuff to our first apartment! The whole place was set up and "decorated" by him...I had, essentially, no input. Am I wrong to want an apartment that looks more like walking into pottery barn vs a bachelor pad???

I was so excited about this move, which I am not dreading!

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

hmmmm...compromise is difficult. What does he want to do? What is he expecting? Does he want to move out?

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

I'm really sorry but he HAS NO CHOICE but to compromise. it sounds to me like you have bent over backwards to accommodate him and now that you want to have input, he's giving you lip service.

it's time for a talk. he needs to see things from your perspective.

good luck

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

He doesn't want to move out. I don't know if it's really the apartment itself or what. It's just like he wants what's convenient for him. Does not matter what I have to do at all. I have really tried to be considerate. He basically wants to move all of his stuff in, have it be in the middle of the living room, and not up-date anything! For example...his TV stand is black-painted flake board, poorly kept, not dusted until I lived with him...I literally had to scrub it to get the dust off, but because of the texture and the paint, it never fully came off. yet the rest of the furniture we are getting is mahognay. I attached some pictures of what we are looking at. He bought this weight machine last year. It would have been fine had we lived in a 2 BR apt or a house w/ a basement. Living in a 1 BR though, there is no place for it besides smack in the middle of the living room. I had to live with this in the middle of the living room of our last apartment, and it prevented us from getting a full couch (we had to get a love seat), coffee table, or any other living room furniture for that matter! He just wants his stuff, his stuff, his stuff! Meanwhile, the only reason I am even getting to keep my bed is because it's a $3000 temperpedic that my parents gave us for a wedding gift! If it wasn't for that, we would be sleeping on his $200 mattress! He's giving me a hard time about giving the mattress up too! We live in a 1 BR apartment!!! What is he thinking??? I sent him a picture of a nice cherry-wood 43" desk that would look really nice on the balcony wall and would fit perfectly. He sends me a pic of a 59 1/2" desk, which basically would cover the entire wall, including the closet...and is made out of oak-colored flake board! What's wrong w/ this picture??? I told him, you can't just buy furniture, you have to measure and decide where it's going to go so you can make sure it even fits!

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

Some pics including the desk I saw

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Message edited 10/11/2007 9:25:31 PM.

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

has he ever decorated an place? How long has he lived on his own?

he needs to part with something and compromise. Does he expect you to make all the sacrifices? Is that fair? You need to ask him that question.

He can't have it all. Too bad, so sad. And, you my dear, cannot give in to his whims..put your foot down. Stop whining and tell him what's what.

he needs a reality check.

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

desk he wants

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Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

I have, many times, put my foot down. He just comes back to it and then goes to extremes that he is going to throw all of his stuff away (like the TV...things that don't make sense) and be miserable.

Don't mean to sound whinney though. Just wanted to know if I am being unfair. I thought I was being fair, but he makes me feel like I am being super selfish.

The only place he "decorated" was the place we had. We did not have any money though (since I was in grad school), so we made due with cheap stuff and hand-me-downs.

He lived with his parents for a long time. Then lived with me in our first apartment.

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

Message edited 11/13/2011 11:25:31 AM.

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

Posted by LittleBlueBug

I have, many times, put my foot down. He just comes back to it and then goes to extremes that he is going to throw all of his stuff away (like the TV...things that don't make sense) and be miserable.

Don't mean to sound whinney though. Just wanted to know if I am being unfair. I thought I was being fair, but he makes me feel like I am being super selfish.

The only place he "decorated" was the place we had. We did not have any money though (since I was in grad school), so we made due with cheap stuff and hand-me-downs.

He lived with his parents for a long time. Then lived with me in our first apartment.

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

I'm sorry, this is not right!! The apartment is beautiful and the furniture you picked will look great. It is not like you are picking a pink sofa with lace. You picked wood furniture and a brown sofa. He needs to grow up!!! He has been complaining about this apartment since you got it. I saw it and your parents saw it, it is a great place for a good price. Yes, it might not be in western Suffolk, but you can't work that far west with your job. You will be miserable driving all that way. I'm sorry, with all the schooling you went through, and all the time you spend getting this job, you shouldn't be the one compromising. You need to talk to him!!! Put your foot down, don't give in. You have been more then fair!
Is something else bothering him?

Message edited 10/12/2007 2:52:41 AM.

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

Let me ask you, was he there when you were looking at the apartment? Did you guys decide on the place together??

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

He's basically being a whiney brat (I calls em as I sees em... ). He thinks he's still a single bachelor, and wants to have 100% control over everything. He's married now. He seriously needs to mature. Marriage is about compromise. Did he forget that there's two of you in this marriage?

BTW, I like a lot of the things you posted. Very gender-neutral, and a nice style.

Tell him to start being a man, and quit being a child. He should have grown out of this phase by around 10 years old.....

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

I agree with the other posters....the only thing I would do is when he says he is going to throw out all his stuff - tell him go ahead. He is just trying to push your buttons.

Besides that there should be no "his stuff" this is a marriage is should be "our stuff"

Re: I need to vent, please...hugs, advice...am I being unreasonable???

He has to realize that it isn't about him anymore, it's about the BOTH of you. You are not wrong. And I don't blame you for not wanting to cram things into a room.