I often wonder....

If, in order to have a good relationship with your stepchildren, you need to have the BM's (or fathers) support? Now of course there are exceptions to every rule....but generally speaking.

Ive thought about this on and off for awhile now. Looking back...In my experience, you do. In my experience, the only time this wasnt the case, was when the BM wasnt really in the picture.

Im just wondering if anyone has had a good relationship with their stepparent, regardless of BM (or dads) unsupportiveness???

ETA: Example....

My daughters are always extremely open to their father having a girlfriend/wife. They want him to get married and have babies with someone else. As much as I cant stand him Im supportive and keep my comments to myself....Growing up my mother never said a single word about my father. In turn I never had an issue with any of his girlfriends and actually liked it better because they were fun..

I dont know if my girls would be so accepting or that I would have been so accepting had they/I not had the support of me/my mother...

Message edited 11/10/2008 12:36:54 PM.

Re: I often wonder....

I initially misunderstood your question. I don't think that it's important to have BM's support. In the beginning, I went thru terrible times with BM and she continuously badmouthed me to my SK's and even went so far as to rip things up or throw out things that I bought them as gifts (yes, in front of them). Over time, the kids saw that I wasn't the monster she was making me out to be and it's fine now. I think alot of it had to do with DH and his support of me. He gave me the space that I needed to form a relationship with them and also made it clear to them that they are to show me respect. It all worked out.



This was my original answer. I figured i'd leave it even though it really has NOTHING to do with your question:


Well, I don't have a stepparent, however, I AM a stepmother. I find that it is extremely important that I have my husband's support in regards to his children. The children (being normal children, I think all kids test their boundaries, not just stepchildren) have tested the waters in the past and been disrespectful and DH stepped in and quickly reprimanded them and demanded that they show me respect.

It's not always easy and i'm sure the kids do feel that i'm not their "MOTHER". I acknowledge it's not easy for them, but at the same time, they have to understand that I do play a very important role in their lives. At times, i've done even more for them than their own mother and I think they see that and understand even though it is difficult for them.

On the other hand, my SD has stated at times that I am even more interested in their well-being than DH. Out of anger, during an episode where she was crying and being yelled at by DH, she begged him to listen to me because "I always make things better." It was a nice feeling even though I was sad that she was so upset.

I'm not sure if this even remotely answered your question, I sort of went off on a tangent. To answer your question from this side, I do believe it is very important to have DH's support.

Message edited 11/10/2008 9:09:20 AM.

Re: I often wonder....

that is great that your DH has taught them to respect you - it helps all around. I have had issues with my DH just keeping quiet and not saying anything to SD when she has been disrespectful to me and i think that sends a silent message that the disrespect is okay - so it continues.

I do agree with you, your DH's support is very important and it is hard when he doesn't, you almost feel like it is them against you.

Re: I often wonder....

I think ultimately, in the end it is very important....I would definately have considered my relationship with SD to be very close ( granted, she knew me since infancy) and we definately had zero support from BM- for that matter my DH got zero support as well....That being said, there was never a real loyalty to either of us though from SD - hard to explain..I will never forget one of the 1st things that SD said to me that made me recognize that BM was so insecure about my relationship with SD.....My SD was about 3.5 and when she would come visit, just like any other little girl does, she would want her hair and nails done and would want to do mine etc...One weekend she came to visit and told me " My mommy said it hurts her feelings when you paint my nails, so we can't do that anymore okay ???" I was that she would put my SD in a position like that at 3 years old...And to see the look on her face was ...So, as small of a comment as that was, it spoke loud and clear of what was going on at home...So yes, ultimately in the end, without the support of the other parent, it defianately has an impact on what the relationship will be IMO ...

Re: I often wonder....

Posted by Bops

I think ultimately, in the end it is very important....I would definately have considered my relationship with SD to be very close ( granted, she knew me since infancy) and we definately had zero support from BM- for that matter my DH got zero support as well....That being said, there was never a real loyalty to either of us though from SD - hard to explain..I will never forget one of the 1st things that SD said to me that made me recognize that BM was so insecure about my relationship with SD.....My SD was about 3.5 and when she would come visit, just like any other little girl does, she would want her hair and nails done and would want to do mine etc...One weekend she came to visit and told me " My mommy said it hurts her feelings when you paint my nails, so we can't do that anymore okay ???" I was that she would put my SD in a position like that at 3 years old...And to see the look on her face was ...So, as small of a comment as that was, it spoke loud and clear of what was going on at home...So yes, ultimately in the end, without the support of the other parent, it defianately has an impact on what the relationship will be IMO ...

Re: I often wonder....

Posted by Bops

I think ultimately, in the end it is very important....I would definately have considered my relationship with SD to be very close ( granted, she knew me since infancy) and we definately had zero support from BM- for that matter my DH got zero support as well....That being said, there was never a real loyalty to either of us though from SD - hard to explain..I will never forget one of the 1st things that SD said to me that made me recognize that BM was so insecure about my relationship with SD.....My SD was about 3.5 and when she would come visit, just like any other little girl does, she would want her hair and nails done and would want to do mine etc...One weekend she came to visit and told me " My mommy said it hurts her feelings when you paint my nails, so we can't do that anymore okay ???" I was that she would put my SD in a position like that at 3 years old...And to see the look on her face was ...So, as small of a comment as that was, it spoke loud and clear of what was going on at home...So yes, ultimately in the end, without the support of the other parent, it defianately has an impact on what the relationship will be IMO ...

Re: I often wonder....

Posted by Bops

I think ultimately, in the end it is very important....I would definately have considered my relationship with SD to be very close ( granted, she knew me since infancy) and we definately had zero support from BM- for that matter my DH got zero support as well....That being said, there was never a real loyalty to either of us though from SD - hard to explain..I will never forget one of the 1st things that SD said to me that made me recognize that BM was so insecure about my relationship with SD.....My SD was about 3.5 and when she would come visit, just like any other little girl does, she would want her hair and nails done and would want to do mine etc...One weekend she came to visit and told me " My mommy said it hurts her feelings when you paint my nails, so we can't do that anymore okay ???" I was that she would put my SD in a position like that at 3 years old...And to see the look on her face was ...So, as small of a comment as that was, it spoke loud and clear of what was going on at home...So yes, ultimately in the end, without the support of the other parent, it defianately has an impact on what the relationship will be IMO ...

Re: I often wonder....

Yes, I think everyone should be supportive or mature about the situation. The kids should never be pulled in the middle or involved. My Dh should be careful what he says about BM when SS is around and vice versa. The kids should never have to choose a side or be involved or even hear an argument between their parents.

Obviously some situations occurr where you cant refrain from letting meotions get the best of us, but the point it to be mature adults, ofcourse thats hard when maturity is onesided.

Re: I often wonder....

I can only hope for all of us, that one day when these children are old enough to fully think for themselves and are not as easily influenced by their other parent's own insecurities and animosities that they will remember the truth and how supportive and loving their step-parent was ...Its just a shame that it seems that so much time has to be lost and spent on trying, trying and trying- when it would be better for everyone involved if the BM ( or father is its the case) could take a step back and see the harm it causes...Especially when the step-parent is another "constant" in that child's life that can contribute to and love the child- It doesnt make sense why anyone would want to sabotage a loving relationship for their own child- As always it boils down to their own insecurity and the feeling that their own relationship w/ their child is threatened if they let anyone else in...Ver sad

Re: I often wonder....

I absolutely think that my relationship with my SK's would have been wonderful if BM was not determined to make them hate me in the begining. She told them so many lies to turn them against me and DH, it was disgusting. In the begining, I had this great image of being "cool stepmom" that the kids could come to and talk to about anything, even the stuff they didn't necesserily want there parents to know about. After 6 years of PAS and love/hate relationships with them, I doubt that they or I will ever feel that way

Re: I often wonder....

I think...

you hit the nail on the head. If it weren't for BM's childish antics maybe I'd be part of SS's life. It wasn't always this way, but she just got totally out of control. DH doesn't help either in certain aspects, but I know he's afraid of BM so he plays nice so he can see his kid. It stinks, but the hand that rocks the cradle... I know, I rock my DD's... although I'd never be such a baby as BM. Making sure my DD always has a positive relationship with her dad will always take precedence no matter what. Even if DH really wronged me, it's not about her... she shouldn't suffer. Most books I used to read about this topic all said that both bio-parents have to have the child's best interest at heart. BM's often do not.

Re: I often wonder....

Absolutely. I definitely think you really need the support of the bio-parent.

My SD liked me from the beginning (I think) but that's b/c I would always buy her candy. LOL

BUT, I remember taking her out shopping once so she could get her mother a mother's day gift. She was 5 at the time.

So we were shopping and SD picked out this hideous flamingo head mug and said she wanted to get that for her mom. I told her no, that we would get her something nicer. So she said to me "Why do you care? Do you like my mommy? She doesn't like you." I was so upset. My DH was furious and had a talk with BM. Never had a problem since.

But I do wonder how often she uses that flamingo head mug.