If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

Positively or negatively? How old we're you/ your siblings?

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

I was 6 when my parents divorced.. 6 1/2 when my Dad remarried). My siblings were 10, 8 and 4.

All in all, my parents (including my Step Mom) worked very hard together to make sure we weren't impacted negatively. They each sacrificed a lot. I do remember early on, things being very tense and not understanding why. But as time when on, there wasn't any strain and things became very comfortable.

Some don't understand it, but these days, Family vacations include all parents... when there is any get together - whether it be a birthday, holiday or just a summer bbq, My Mom, Dad and StepMom are all around, no strain, no stress and they all enjoy the grandkids.

As an adult, I understand now that all of my parents made tremendous sacrifices to make sure we felt stable. I know that if DH and I were in the same circumstances, there is no way I could do what my did... Nor if I were in my Stepmom's shoes, I can't imagine giving up so much for another man's children.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

my parents divorced when I was 13, my older sister was 15, and my younger sis was 11, my bro only 6. Honestly, I can remember early in my childhood realizing that my parents weren't happy. One day, my mom picked up and left all of us for another guy and I look back at it now and realize, it was hard at the time but it was the best thing she could have done for all of us. She was never a mom and very distant from the whole family so it wasn't a fun environment. The biggest impact it had on us was that at 13, I had to help raise my younger siblings, mostly my brother. My dad kept a roof over our heads and tried his hardest to be both mom and dad but there was a lot of pressure on me to help out with my brother and sister. My older sister moved out at 17 and my brother leaned on me, came to me when he was sick, in trouble at school, homework help, etc. I started working at 15 to help my dad with bills, even just a little bit and my nana had a huge part in our lives, as a mother. Without my nana, I honestly don't know what i would have done. It was one of the reasons I didn't leave to go to school, I couldn't leave my brother and the pressures I had at home. Looking back though, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. My brother tells people till this day that I am like his mom, hell, at 25 he still fears me! But, every Mother's Day, when he gives me some mushy card and gift, it was all worth it.

Was it rough, yes, but, it made me who I am. Watching my parents miserable wouldn't have been any better because we as a family weren't happy. I haven't spoken to my mother in over 15 yrs and never will. This wasn't a normal divorce though, she just up and left 4 kids without looking back. But, being put in that situation definitely molded me into who I am although at 31, I feel like I am 50.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

I was 16 and my sister was 14 when my parents divorced. i don't think its the divorce that messes up kids, its one of the parents disappearing on them. My Dad was still involved in my day to day life so it wasn't that bad. I do think it was harder on my sister since she was a bit younger

If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

It was horrible. My mother dragged my father through the mud for no good reason and pitted my brothers and I against him. I do not have a good relationship with my mother to this day. She was very bitter, unhappy person for most of her life. I was around 10 and my brothers were 7 and 5...

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

I was 8 and it was in 1979. Back then, I was in the minority as far as having divorced parents. I had a better relationship with my dad and it hurt only seeing him on Saturdays, which was the agreement. My mother worked 3 jobs and my oldest brother had to watch me and my middle brother. He hit us alot and was abusive (my dad was abusive to my brothers) and he took it out on us. My home life was horrible as a teen since I hated my mother then and missed my dad, who always stuck up for me. We are very close now, but she said horrible things to me back then which I truly believe damaged my self-esteem. I turned to sleeping with alot of guys, trying to find affection and validation. It was awful......

If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

I believe the divorce was final when I was 5 & my brother was 10. I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood. I think I blocked a lot of things out. I'm not going to go into specifics but I will say this, I was def traumatized not by the fact that they divorced but by what they did to one another through us. My parents were very, very selfish ppl. I have NO idea how they could of done everything that they did to us just b/c they were mad at one another. For years and I mean years they tortured one another and dragged us along for the ride. So IMPO, its not the divorce or the change that can seriously hurt a child, its how the parents choose to handle it. Kids are tough little ppl, they can make through just about anything but they NEED healthy and emotionally strong parents to help them through life.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

I was 10, my brother was 7.

He has no recoloection of my parents together. I remeber when they told me, my response was "good".

I had an awful relationship with my father up until that point. Never that daddys little girl. After the divorce, it got worse. We didnt speak for years. I refused to see him or have anything to do with him. I saw him maybe once or twice (out of guilt from my brother) before he moved to Florida. I didnt speak to him until I turned 30, and thought I needed closer. I invited him to my wedding, as a GUEST ONLY. It was more for me to rub in his face that I did it anyway, and all without him. I havent spoke to him since, its 7 years in August. When he dies, I have ZERO intention on going, or paying my respects. That door is closed permentally.

My brother has a relationship with him. He visits him in Fl with his kids, father goes to see them in NC. It works for them.

For me growing up, it taught me what NOT to do, and who NOT to be with.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

My parents were divorced when i was about 12, and i remember at the time being very sad, but relieved since they fought all the time. I won't lie, it was rough at first but both my parents made sure that i knew it wasn't about me and that my relationship with either of them wouldn't change. They remained fairly civil with each other and eventually over the years grew back to being friendly.
Now, my family all gets together on the holidays, with my step mom, mom, half sister, dad etc.. and it works.
My step mother's family is just as close to me as my 'regular' family is..

As PP have said, its not the act of divorce that makes the impact, its how the parents handle it and how they treat the children during it. If one of my parents had ever tried to pit me against the other, i can't even tell you how f'd up that would have been for me.

If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

Honestly, it was the best thing that could have ever happened. I was 13 and my father walked out on my mom. Note on the fridge. He left at a terrible time but he is a pretty terrible person. Our lives changed dramatically in the finance realm, but it seriously was better that way. They fought every single day, he cheated and was verbally abusive to us all. IMHO there is no reason to stay married "for the kids" or if you are miserable, like my parents were. As for me, I think I have a better outlook on what a healthy marriage should be and I strive daily to make it work that way in my own marriage.

If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

I was very young.only remember their fights. But it was the best thing they could have done. But everything was and is very amicable. My dads family even went to my moms wedding when she remarried.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

When my parents finally divorced, I was 6, my brother was 19 and my sister was 23. My siblings are a lot older than me and they really felt the bulk of my parent's problems. My parents spent a lot of time being seperated and trying to get back together. I do remember there being a lot of fighting. Once my parents got divorced, my mother became very liberated. She got a full time job, paid her own bills, had my grandparents move in with us and they helped raise me. Along with my brother, sister, grandparents, and mom, I had many protective eyes over me. My father put my mother through a lot, including infidelity (he has a son a year older than me), physical and emotional abuse. I actually had a lot of resentment towards my father. We still have a very rocky relationship. I am super, super, super close to my mom.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

My parents aren't divorced but my STBX's parents divorced when he was 2 and it was the right thing for them.

Today they are both remarried with kids with their current spouses and they are all friends---seriously. His mom and dad actually chat on the phone.

STBX happened to be a product of two very good people that decided they weren't meant to be together but they would work together to parent him. They ended up living in the same town when he was growing up so he could go between their houses whenever he wanted to. I think it made things much easier on him.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

It was my 9th birthday. She sent me a birthday card (she was stationed in Germany, we were living in a hell hole in Houston) and she folded up her letter to my dad and put it in my card. My dad handed me the card without opening it. Curious child I was, I read it.

Interesting day.

So hell doesn't describe it. BUT! How did it affect me?


It saved my life.

It made me who I am.

I like who I am. So how can I say positive or negative?

I hate, HATE hearing stories about criminals saying "But my mama abused me" or "He came from a broken family" as if it was an excuse. It is a huge pet peeve of mine.

My mother tried 3 times to kill me. Abort me. She failed. She never quite got over that failure. So she tried other forms of neglect. Most worked very well. The divorce allowed me to see that other children DID NOT live like me. They did not hide bruises or tell light hearted stories of how I would play in my room for 3 days before I'd get sick from no food and lose a day or how my brother and I played through the mail slot because he was forced to sleep outside in the dog house (literally). Kids don't actually fear the doctor because of what they'll say or how they'll look at you or the questions they'll ask. Kids fear doctors for shots?!?! pfft.

The divorce saved my life.

I have the most loving father in the world. We are very close (now). He was out a lot when I was a child due to the Navy. The divorce gave me my Dad. For that I am eternally grateful. He made me who I am today.

The divorce made me who I am.

I have lived a poor poor life. Eaten rice and water for months and happily celebrated easter with a single bag of jelly beans. I found joy in watching lizards scurry on a floor, eating raspberries off bushes, sitting in the dark trying to scare my brother while we ate bread with butter (a huge treat). I appreciate so much more in my life than I think I did before when I was a spoiled brat given all the best toys and things. I know that a house filled with THINGS is not always a house filled with LOVE. For that it made me who I am.

I know no other life. I have no regrets. I tried to figure out my mom, talk to her and get to the bottom of it. It failed. I gave up and live my life how I see fit.

The divorce makes me a better Mom. I appreciate her more. I tolerate him better. I waited longer for children. I don't complain about dirty socks or bills. I love my daughter and my husband.

Its not a positive or a negative. It is simply part of who I am. Divorce, death of a parent, adoption, abusive parent. Children don't make those choices. They happen TO them. They can not be blamed or be responsible for the actions of those around them. Instead, children adapt and grow with the changes, because they are part of life.

Just my $0.02

9yrs old divorced family, stayed with Dad, in the 80s when that was NOT normal, accepted or supported by resources of the government.

If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

Xelyndra, I am crying reading your post. I'm so sorry for the hell you went through. You're an inspiration that life really is what you make it.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

It was a positive experience for me. I was 13.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

Message edited 7/18/2012 6:50:28 AM.

Re: If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

A LOT of my memories from childhood are of my mother crying. Sounds sad, but its true. While I had some good good memories in there, I can still see her standing in the kitchen washing dishes and sniffling or sobbing. There was a TON of fighting...it felt like every single day I'd walk home from school, in the door to another fight. He worked construction and was home usually around 3 or 4...and they'd be screaming yet again.

My mom will remind us that there were a lot of happy times and times when they're wasn't fighting, and if i think hard about it I can remember certain things. But the the stuff that made the biggest impact was the constant constant yelling and nasty words.

The finally divorced when I was older..it took years for them to do it, and I was very thankful for it. It wasn't amicable..there is still tons of resentment and hatred. But its a lot better when two people who scream constantly aren't together..especially with 6 children involved.

I don't think I completely trusted most men either. Until meeting my husband who is the kindest, sweetest man known to earth. I know he would never ever hurt me or cheat on me..but it took a while to get over childhood demons.

My mother is a wonderful person who raised us all. She didn't want us to hear fighting constantly, but my father would be nice and normal for a few days only to start up again. I don't blame her for anything, i do however hold resentment towards him till this day.

You can move forward and make a great life for yourself even after witnessing a lot of horrible stuff, but it certainly impacts children negatively.

If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

it had no impact on me. they divorced when i was about 2-3 (i think separated at 2, divorced at 3). It was the norm for me to live with my mom and see my dad on weekends. didnt phase me in the least. my parents maintained a great relationship throughout (never fought in front of us etc) and to this day i have wonderful relationships with them both.

If your parents divorced when you were a child, how did it impact your life?

My parents aren't divorced, but DH's divorced when he was 8. I think it was negative for him as a child, but a positive impact on him as an adult. As a kid, I think he felt unwanted by his mom, and was labeled as a troubled kid always shipped off somewhere because whoever he was with couldn't handle him. That definitely had a negative impact on him. But, because he never really felt he had a united family, I think he longed for it so much, that he is creating that now, and he's proud of the family we have created and it is extra precious to him. Neither of his parents ever remarried or found real love. Both still long for it and miss it. He thinks his mom gave up, never made any sacrifices for anyone else and would just up and leave when things weren't perfect. He's learned not to be that way by watching that in her and seeing that that doesn't lead to happiness.