I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I was going to post under a fake name, but just could not be arsed...so there are some references to hiding my identity...so its all written a bit oddly, but it sums up whats going on in my life right now.

I was going to use a fake name because I am
nervous that my employers could read this and not be very happy, and I
really need some input on this situation. I can't talk about it at work with
anyone yet, so this is my best outlet. Its a bit long, and maybe a bit
rambling...I have a lot on my mind and its keeping me awake at night, I just
do not know which way to go with this situation.

So last Tuesday I was laid off, which was great news for me. I was really
hoping for this outcome, I would use the settlement to pay off most of my
debt, and I would collect unemployment and enjoy the summer while looking
for a job, as my litle one is starting school in September, half day
kindergarten type thing. It was a perfect arrangement and I was beyond
thrilled as this gave me a fantastic chance to make a clean break from a job
that I was no longer enjoying, and was really going nowhere. Thursday I get
called into my boss' office and she tells me that one of my colleagues in my
reduction pool has resigned, and there is now a job for me. No choices, I
lost the option to leave with any money, if I now want to leave, I have to
resign and walk away.

I am scared of this, I have been doing this job for 10 years, my colleagues
are like my family, I feel like walking away from this job is like walking
away from a marriage, what if its not the right decision? What if I get
another job and I don't like it...all those kinds of things go through my
mind. I do want to work, just not the hours/days I am currently working. I
would look for work again once my DC is happy in school, and hopefully I
will get pregnant again soon and have another one.

I have done a ton of soul searching and talked with my DH about what I want
from my life, what I want for my son, and what we both want for our family.
And I have weighed up the pros and cons, and everything is pointing to me
handing in my notice in July and being unemployed for a while while my DC
starts school. If I do not do this, my life will become a series of juggling
childcare, before school club and daycare. Not to mention the cost attached
with several different childcare options...$$$$$ The thing I want
DESPERATELY is to be the one who takes my DC to school and to be the one
waiting at those school gates in the afternoon...

I have no access to any kind of unemployment, I would therefore have no
income.

And thats where I stop in my tracks....

I have never in my life not had an income, and while my husband is generous,
I am will never be a lady who lunches, or a kept lady or any other kind of
lady of leisure. He just does not make that kind of money. The mortgage,
household bills & food can all be covered with his income. When we bought
out house we made the decision to get the mortgage based only on his salary,
a wise decision now. I am scared of not being able to buy things that I
want, I am scared of asking him for 50 bucks here and there, we have been
married for 10 years, but I do not want him to feel like I only married him
for his money etc etc. I have a large group of friends, many of whom are
SAHM's and I would be kept busy when my DC is not in school.

So, put yourself in my pretty little shoes...what would you do? Could you
deal with having no income? How would you make it work? I want someone to
say to me, of course this is the right
thing for you to do, of course you will
be fine on one income, and what I really want to hear is you have won the lottery!!! I am scared of so many
things right now...

Ugh, just need some advice and some words of wisdom. I feel like the answer
is completely obvious...but its still quite hard to make the decision to do
the deed.

Thanks for listening...any advice would be great.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

Hand in your resignation. Don't look back.

Relish the time with your DS. I wish (as many other working mom's do, I'm sure) that I could do the same.

Another job will come along, perhaps with better hours, maybe PT... and heck, you may even be happier than where you are now! If not, you can look for another one at your leisure, as your income isn't really needed for "necessities".



Also, legally, can they really "rescind" your offer of termination? Can you say you made alternate arrangements based on this offer, and that you want to accept it? Do you have anything in writing from them regarding that?

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I say leave and enjoy your family

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I can't make this decision for you, but if I had the opportunity to stay home with my child I would. In the summer there are tons of things you could do for free. If you want this you can make it work.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I appears that the answer is clear.

I know it's hard to give up the freedom attached to your own income and I know from your posts that you love to work...both things I've dealt with as well. I know it's not your plan, but I've been a SAHM for two years now and the reality is, I've never felt like I was "mooching" off my DH, etc. We're a family and this is what we're doing FOR NOW. If one or both of us doesn't like it at any point...I'll return to work, which is my ultimate plan anyhow. And you know what...as much as I LOVED being a classroom teacher, I also love the fact that in a couple of years I can return to teaching or NOT...I could end up being a librarian or a waitress or go back for a PhD...or WHATEVER. It's really exciting and liberating actually! This is what's in store for you!!!

I also know (without knowing you, of course) that you're not a person to back down from a challenge. No person afraid of challenge would move across an ocean apart from friends and family and turn her life into one anyone would envy!!

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I think you can make this work as a SAHM and be there for your son.

Maybe you could find a p/t job while DS is in school and still have an income.
An option.

I feel its ultimately up to you and it seems like you know what it is you really want.

GL!

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I think you should hand in your resignation. Enjoy your summer with DS and get him into a school routine. Then once he's settled you can always look for something part time, just so you feel like you have a little extra $$.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

Do you have an emergency savings to carry you god forbid you husband looses his job? Personally, that is the only way I would consider quitting, even if I was miserable. In this economy jobs are hard to come by, so if you husband were to get laid off it could be a while before either of you found employment... and if you dont have an emergency fund (not your regular savings account) you could be in a very bad place, very quickly. I would stick it out a little longer... chances are you may get laid off soon anyway if you company is already downsizing.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

When I quit my job it was really exciting and nerve wraking at the same time It was very hard for me to adjust to not making money. I have never felt like I am mooching off my DH. Everything we have is ours for our family including his income.
It sounds like you already decided and just want some reassurance.
Everything will be fine. If you have your budget and know you can afford to live on 1 income that is awesome.
Put in your notice and enjoy your summer!

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

You could leave and work PT to bring in the "extra" money that you want for spending money. You could work during your son's school times.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I completely understand where you are coming from being that I continue to work partly because I could never ask DH for money for stuff. So silly since its OUR money, but I even saved for both maternity leaves so I would have my own cash and not have to ask him. So I really do hear you on that point. That being said, let me tell you how I have been feeling lately.

I have NO desire to go back to work after my maternity leave ends and sort of wish I would be laid off too. I would start my own therapy practice and be able to spend time with my kids. I cannot walk away from my job DUE TO our REDICULOUS mortage that we took on based on me saying, I would never imagine not working full time. Of course I have a different tune now.

SO my long winded point being is that I completely understand your problem but don't walk, RUN from this job and try out this new life for a while. You are very qualified and could find a new job in a heartbeat if it doesn't work out the way you think it will. And you may end up finding the perfect part time solution that I am dreaming about every night.

Please FM if you want to debate further since we have always seemed to be on the same page with the work stuff based on prior threads about this.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

If it was me I would totally leave and be able to spend time with DS. I know for me that is probably never going to be an option, so even if I was able to spend a couple of months home with DC I would jump on it.

As long as it would not hurt you financially and emotionally to not be bringing in money.

You can always go back to work if in a couple of months you decide that you want to bring in money or get back into the workforce....you'll never get that time back with your son.

JMO...you have to do what feels right for you and your family.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

Thanks everyone for your input. I called HR and told them I was disgusted at the way I have been treated, and how stressful this has been for me, and they said that their main priority was to keep me in employment etc, so they do not legally have to offer me my redundancy money....

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I vote for leaving too. SAHMs are NOT NOT NOT "kept", nor are they "ladies of leisure". Being a mom, ANY mom, working out of the home, being a full time SAHM, or working PT, or what-have-you, is THE hardest job in the world. Its thankless, demanding, and just downright hard. Being ANY kind of mom is hard!

There is no "right" or "wrong" here.... there is only "what is the BEST thing for MY family".

Message edited 6/9/2009 6:44:19 PM.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I say leave your job and enjoy your family for awhile!!!! You can always work p/t or go back to work f/t if it's not for you.

I was always independent and out on my own by the time I was 24, owned my own co-op, car, etc. When DH and I met and got married we knew the single most important thing was that I wanted to be a SAHM (although now I work p/t a couple of days a week, I still consider myself a SAHM). I'm not sure how you and DH handle your finances, every couple does it differently, but in our case the money is all in one pot. What's his is mine and what's mine is his! I never felt like I have to ask DH for money to do something or that being a SAHM makes me less of a person or less of a woman. IMO being a SAHM is harder than going to work everyday.


ETA: It seems your mind is already made up but your nervous b/c it is a big transition, but one IMO you'll be happy with in the long run.

Message edited 6/9/2009 6:50:32 PM.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

Sorry for being so "blunt" but they really messed up your plan. You wanted the cake and eat it too. It did not work!!!!

So now you are to plan B.

It seems your only issue is really that you will have no income and rely on DH to "support" you. And that's what's bothering you.

I had a hard time with it myself. I was VERY independent and still am.

I find a compromise in PT work. I only work 2 days a week. I am a SAHM during the week with DS.

It works for us. I have extra income but not really what I used to make FT but still it pays MY bills, My car, DS' clothes, toys, etc.. DH pays for everything else. I feel I am still an active mom with DS and we spend a lot of time together. I still have an active resume so I am not out of the loop.

But after 1 year of a PT job and SAHM, I can tell you that I got used to it. I could be a FT SAHM and be "ok" with it. I just still cannot let go completely. But with time, it gets easier and easier to feel it's OK.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

the kept lady part made me laugh!! 10 AM this morning pushing a double stroller to the park...looking like I kept rats in my hair

There is a kept person in my house, DH.
Since SAH, the man has never eaten so well...not cleaned a bathroom, never had so much sex in his life.

I think its a great balance. I say walk away and smile as you exit the door. I love staying at home.

I agree with Erinann as well. This fall I am taking classes towards becoming an RN. That way I can work a few night shifts a month when Josh is older. Maybe I will, maybe I won't...who cares?? I think homework will be good for me and my brain.

I loved my old job. Zero complaints. But I saw them way more then I ever saw DH. I don't want it to be like that. I want to clock my hours with Josh and DH.

My life is very very simple. Staying at home was right for me...it was in the stars. I have a kid who is sick a lot, thank God I don't deal with an employer. I have been TTC for nearly a year now...Thank God I held my baby all day everyday...it softens the blow since I soaked him in.

I come from a sahm of 7..who is now a nurse. My dad is from a sahm of 9, who at 22 had her BA in home ec.

Very happy, fulfilled lives. You have years of work ahead of you. You have a limited number of Noah years happy to see you standing by a gate.

You were definitely gipped out of your severence...that is horrible. I don't see how you can be happy there anymore.

Message edited 6/9/2009 7:03:28 PM.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

Unless you can get your job to fire you before then. I say quit. It's what you really want. And it's best for Noah. (instead of having to take him to a few daycares a week) I've been a SAHM for 8 years. And I STILL have a hard time buying certain things because it's my husbands money. It sounds silly. But, it's just me. It's something that you will have to get over. I think you will be so much happier.

Message edited 6/9/2009 7:06:26 PM.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I have been a SAHM for a little over a year now---I struggled a lot with not making "my own" money when I was first home----even though we always had one savings account, I still felt more independent and able to spend money how I pleased. That said, I do not regret my decision to stay home at all----it took me a while to realize that its OUR money and just because I am not out there at a job, I still do a lot of work. I also began to realize that in the grand scheme of things, its just money, and being able to spend time with my son is something money can't buy---- I am so thankful to be with him. It sounds like your decision is made, this is just a new path for you, GL!

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

Posted by Janice

the kept lady part made me laugh!! 10 AM this morning pushing a double stroller to the park...looking like I kept rats in my hair

There is a kept person in my house, DH.
Since SAH, the man has never eaten so well...not cleaned a bathroom, never had so much sex in his life.

I think its a great balance. I say walk away and smile as you exit the door. I love staying at home.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

If I had the opportunity to be a SAHM I would take it in a heartbeat!!! unfortunately I don't and my heart breaks everytime I think about going back to work in August. I truly wish we could make all the bills with 1 salary.
So if it was me, I would not stay.

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

I would tell you, based on the way you have explained your situation, to resign. Sometimes, when one door closes, another door opens. That is what has happened to me in my career, so I am not a SAHM but I have taken leaps of faith before. Another piece of advice that I give but do not take enough is that you will not be on your deathbed wishing you had worked more. I just have a feeling that if you resign now, you will have many choices, all good ones, that will fall in your lap and you will also have a chance to relax (as much as a mom can).

Re: I'm at a real crossroads...this is long, I warn ya

resign. and dont look back. enjoy every minute of this sunmer with your handsome little boy!