in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

i'm a regular poster in hiding because this is too embarassing for me to talk about openly...

DH and I haven't been intimate in over a month, everytime i bring up the subject, he tries to make me understand that the whole concept of having sex while the baby is inside of me freaks him out (in his own words: "it's immoral)...he still views me as sexy and won't hesitate to tell me every now and then how i look hot, so i know he doesn't think i'm fat or ugly...it's just his mindset that i can't comprehend...

what i'm most worried about is what about when the baby comes? (i'm not due til next year) i hear they take a toll on new parents, we'll be so exhausted from having a new baby...when will we have time for intimacy? what if he feels bad about having sex with a new baby in the house? what if this becomes into something harmful to our marriage? i'm terrified, but at the same time i don't want to convince him to have sex with me if he truly is uncomfortable with it...i've tried to make him understand that it won't harm the baby in any way and that the baby won't know the difference, but he's pretty much set on the whole "it's immoral" thing.

what should i do? how can we find a middle ground? i'm scared about our marriage, will things ever be the way they once were?

advice please

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

awwww, I'm sorry you're having this issue. To be quite honest with you I really don't know how you can change his mind on this, but If I were you I would continue to voice your opinion as you've done here. If you really wanna get his attention say "Do I have to look for it somewhere else?" lol I know its mean but maybe that will get him thinking...lol
XOXOXO
BOTB

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

I don't know what advice to give about having sex while pregnant and changing how your DH feels, some men DO feel that way.

BUT I was on pelvic rest from 19 weeks on, and our marriage is fine, so I wouldn't worry about that. I think you are reading WAY into it right now probably due to preggo hormones.

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Take your dh to the dr with you and bring up intercourse. I'm sure the dr will make him feel better that it is absolutely fine to have intercourse throughout your pregnancy!

Good luck!

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

it doesn't sound like your DH is worried about hurting the baby at all, it seems like he is having a hard time reconciling the fact that you can be both a mommy and sexy (and even want sex) at the same time.

i don't know if there is anything you can do or say to change his mind, short of suggesting seeing a counselor.

have you asked him about what will happen once the baby arrives? if he thinks that he will feel the same way?

i am so sorry you have to deal with this now, on top of everything else that comes with pregnancy

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

You have nothing to worry about!

My husband was the same way towards the end of my pregnancy. Now that it was clearly visible that there was a baby in there, he didn't feel comfortable at all having sex, especially once he could feel and see the baby moving around in my stomach.

I never pressed him on it because i didn't think it was fair to him to make him do something he wasn't comfortable with. In no way did he think i was disgusting or fat, but he just couldn't do it. It was becoming too real to him and i understood that.

We stopped having sex the last 2 1/2 months of my pregnancy.

Once i had the baby, everything went back to normal. He was pawing at me like usual and well before the 6 week checkup.

As for being exhausted with a new baby, well i can only speak for myself... but i think you'll have way more time on your hands than you think you will (at least in the beginning).

Message edited 8/25/2008 9:17:51 AM.

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Don't worry about it! Alot of men feel this way. I am going on 22 weeks without any nookie right now (yes I am dying) Just think of how great it will be once you do it again! There are still other things you can do to be intamite right now - consider some of those.

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Give your husband some time. Both of your feelings are completely valid and real. Perhaps, as others have suggested, he can attend a doctor's appt with you and voice any concerns there. If he still feels it's immoral, then just be patient and respect his feelings. Pushing him to do something he isn't comfortable with will only hurt your relationship. Discuss your feelings with him but be respectful of his feelings. Your marriage can survive no sex for months.

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

you're all so helpful!

i will sit down and talk to him about all of my concerns...before this point it was a casual talk about us not having much sex since being PG, but lately, it's gotten into my head that I still have a ways to go with this PG and what will happen once the baby is here (i think it is those pregnancy hormones!). i've been afraid to bring it up to him because I didn't know how to approach the topic at all.

I think asking the dr. to provide some reassurance would help also, i know the dr. mentioned it was okay during our 1st visit, but things weren't as "real" as they are now. he's educating himself every week on how the baby is developing and growing and i think little things like "the baby can hear outside voices" or the "baby is x inches long" puts everything into perspective for him and makes him that much more uncomfortable.

it comforts me to know that some of you went through the same thing and went back to normal after the baby was born...that's a big relief! thank you again for all of your wonderful pieces of advice...you've helped me in so many ways!

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

I totally understand your DH's hang-up. My DH and I had that too... it was wierd becuase we felt we were invading crouton's space, if that makes any sense. compound that with some first trimester bleeding and it stopped us in our tracks for a while.

That being said, you CAN approach him and do creative things other than vaginal intercourse talk to him and see what his hang-up is (is it just getting too close to baby and invading baby's space?)... or is it something more serious as the other posters suggested (you're now a mother and they're not sexual). the latter is a real problem and I agree with others, you might need counseling......

Even if it's the latter problem, doing my suggestion may get him used to the idea and bring him back to nornmal over time..... after all, you are too irresistable to refuse!

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

I think your DH has normal thoughts and concerns. I think it will pass in time. It's all new and adjusting takes time. I really do think in time things will fall into place. I agree, maybe try bringing him to the dr and seeing if you can find a way to have the dr gently let him know, it's ok from a medical standpoint (although he may still have issues with it).

I have to say, I feel kind of odd too knowing our baby is in there! But if a baby is in the other room when it's born, I would not feel the same way.

I really think once the baby comes, he will feel differently.

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

Dh wasn't overly comfortable with it either. It's not that we never had sex, it just wasn't as often. I would talk honestly with your DH and let him know you understand he's a little weirded out by it, but you still want sex every now and then. Tell him part of his job as an expectant dad is to make sure you're happy.

Re: in hiding...need advice re: intimacy

My DH has a very hard time having s ex while I am pregnant. It freaks him out as well. I think that is perfectly normal- after all there is another human being in us- it is kind of strange.

We usually compromise and have some activity but nothing like when we we are not pregnant. It was hard the last pregnancy and I expect this one will be as well. But it hasn't hurt our marriage and we are still very close and kiss and are affectionate. The idea of sex ual activity during pregnancy just makes my DH very uncomfortable and I try hard to understand.