In honor of 6 beautiful days...

This morning I weep in remembrance of the baby I thought I was going to have. He or she would have been born this month. For six beautiful miraculous days I firmly believed I was going to be a mother and hold my child. I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I thanked god and I loved. My god how I loved that little embryo inside me. I had no idea my heart could burst open as it did.
Hearing “You are pregnant” equaled hearing “You will be a mother”. I was building a child. It was my child, it was inside of me and it was growing. I got the double confirmation betas and was off to the races. I felt like such a mother bear, strong and fierce and invincible. I knew I could and would do whatever it took to make sure my baby was going to be healthy and strong. I thought of child birth and laughed at it, knowing that I would do it a hundred times for the sake of my child. The pain of it didn’t scare me at all.
All the fertility treatments and sad days had been worth it. I danced in my living room by myself, smiling and laughing out loud and as I sang to my growing embryo, I rubbed my tummy, something I had always dreamed of doing. We were a team and had just begun our journey. My love for it and joy was enormous and the world was in vivid color. After enduring medical treatments and two years of hope and loss we had finally reached the promise land. My entire future had changed and my life transformed.
It was six beautiful days. Not a lot to some but had been everything to me. They were without a doubt the absolute best days of my life.
When the first pain shot through my back and abdomen, my world froze. I was on the phone at work and suddenly terrified. I hung up quickly, went to the bathroom and saw blood. The rest of the day was a blur as I called the nurse and searched the internet for reassurance that this was normal.
When I continued to bleed that evening, I knew. Deep down I knew that my new happy world was all beginning to slip away. I remember wailing in fear and sadness, praying desperately that I would have a different outcome. I remember being surprised that I was wailing; shocked at the new degree of fear and sadness that was overwhelming me. I don’t think I had ever wailed before.
The next morning the doctor reassured me that it could all be ok, that the bloodwork would tell us what’s happening. I went home with some hope in my heart. When the doctor called me later that day with the results and the news that the numbers were no longer doubling as they should, all the happiness and joy was over. I was told to prepare myself for the fact that I would miscarry within the week.
The shock was enormous as I realized that I was being returned to an existence that threw me backwards into pure grayness. My second “new life” in a week suddenly didn’t include my pregnancy, didn’t include me meeting my baby and that November was no longer the month that I would finally bear a child.
Life changed so fantastically when hearing those beautiful words “You are pregnant”. I really believed that was it for me and that all the fertility treatments were over and on we going to the next stage in life.
Nine months later, I sit here without the child I thought I would have. I cry and grieve and feel the sadness. I have learned in these 9 months that you cannot run from loss or fear or pain. Sad is sad. Sad can be called grief and grief is something I am still learning to live with. I don’t know whether I am good or bad at grieving but I am doing my best.
I cry today in remembrance of those beautiful six days with you, where you and I were going to have a great life together.
And I pray to God we meet again.

Message edited 11/16/2014 5:22:48 PM.

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

I'm so sorry!

Unfortunately; I can relate 1000%. Something I wish I could never relate to but I do.

My "due date" sorta speak is rapidly approaching end of January. I too had gone thru the EXACT emotions as you from the best of the best to the worst of the worst.

Finally I had my 7 years of my IF journey behind me. I was able to finally move forward. After seeing the HB twice; at 7 weeks just like that....it was OVER!

The silence I heard from the sono tech was enough to give me the answer I had been fearing. Seconds (which felt like hours) she leaned over and touched my arm as I Lay there so helpless; to say Honey I'm so sorry; I don't see anything.

Of course she didn't. The worst part after going thru my own emotions was having to tell my husband. A day I never ever want to relive again! It's just beyond unfair to constantly give bad news after bad news. I'm so sick of it.

GOD; I Pray our future is filled with much happier times when the happy beginnings have the happy endings. I'm still waiting for it!

Message edited 11/16/2014 11:33:47 AM.

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

I felt every word you wrote in my heart.
You will always have those 6 beautiful days. And I hope very soon you will have 280 beautiful days filled with all the joy you felt last year.

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

I am so so sorry :(

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I'm so sorry.

In honor of 6 beautiful days...

Crashing...this is one of the most beautifully written things I have ever read. I am in tears, it really moved me. So sorry for your loss and your pain.

In honor of 6 beautiful days...

Thank you everyone. Writing helps me make sense of all my emotions, processing and healing. I know others have their own day count and have been in my shoes, more than once also. I weep for all of us moms without babies.

I too pray for the collective "us" and that we all find the joy at the completion of a happy journey. Xo

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

Wow, that was beautifully poetic. Thank you for opening up. I truly wish you get to hold your baby in your arms one day. This quote always got me by during those tough days..."just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly".

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

This is so beautifully written.

I think do many of us here can acutely feel your pain.
I remember hurting for follicles that I saw as twins during early IUIs, feeling the pangs when family delivered children while I was still trying to get pregnant (and had started before them). I also thought for a while when I finally got pregnant, I would have to terminate... That was the worst period of my life.

The worst is how I feel whenever I watch the beginning of UP (Disney movie & don't watch it if you haven't now).

IF is such an ugly, hurtful journey.

Hopefully, yours will end well!

In honor of 6 beautiful days...

I felt ever single one of your words and can completely relate. Xoxo

In honor of 6 beautiful days...

so sorry,

Message edited 11/16/2014 9:36:45 PM.

In honor of 6 beautiful days...

Thanks everyone...great quote a newday. The support is so appreciated and having a place that I know my words will be understood. Today I focus on the future again, moving slowly towards new action and hope.

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

Beautifully written.
Wishing you all the best!

In honor of 6 beautiful days...

So beautiful and I'm so sorry. I hope one day you get exactly what you deserve and can write another beautiful story about your birth and having your child in your arms!

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so beautifully written

In honor of 6 beautiful days...

Hugs to you.

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This was beautifully written, it took me a few days to get to the end o your post. I know how you feel, and couldn't stop crying to get to the end. I have felt the pain and loneliness you have felt. The terrifying fear and hopelessness knowing I was losing the most important in the word to me.

Again, thanks for putting into words what most of us dealing with loss and TTC have felt.

In honor of 6 beautiful days...

Hope2009 - I am glad I was able to share something that touched you and I know that my words are your words and a million other women who have been there.

The loss knocked me down so badly as I am sure it has many others. It turned me completely away from mommy hood, made me disconnect from children and I felt so tired of it all. I was so close to not renewing the storage of my embryos...pen on paper and all. I just wanted it all over.

I have spent a while examining why it knocked me down so badly and it is that I had finally experienced such a level of happiness unknown to me that to suddenly be void of it cut me to the core. It was pure life whiplash from the highest of high to the lowest of low. That change, that shock to the system I think is most damaging to us. We need to come up with a word for it....the vicious cycle of hope and loss.

Folks don't realize the damage it can do to us...comments such as "thank goodness you were only 5, 6, 7 weeks"....I get that further along is devastating and complicated and traumatizing...but the transformed worlds happens to everyone when they hear "You are pregnant".

Pregnancy whiplash...maybe that is the phrase that fits.

Message edited 11/21/2014 8:08:53 AM.

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

You have me in tears. So beautiful and moving. I too, can relate to every word written. Thank you for sharing. Thank you.

Re: In honor of 6 beautiful days...

So sorry, that was so beautifully written. Praying one day you will become a mom