Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I had an missed ectopic pregnancy 4 years ago that wasn't found until 8 weeks...the embryo had implanted outside my ute and next to my bladder

I had to have a shot of methotrexate to dissolve it


I'm not trying to be a biiitch, but I am actually surprised when I see all the people that are so emotional about chemicals and what not

I rarely think about it and when I do I am not emotional at all...I have no idea when my due date was, I never think that I could have a 3 yr old now...etc, etc...it just wasn't meant to be...and I AM a very emotional person...

Just wondering if anyone else is like that?

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Did you feel emotional about it while it was happening and in the weeks/months following it? Maybe the distance has something to do with not feeling anything? A lot of the girls on this board are either in the middle of losses, or they are very fresh. I would imagine that as time goes by it will get easier for us all.

Speaking for myself, I still feel very emotional about it. I have had 3 early losses since July. The constant up and down, seeing a BFP, getting my hopes up and then having them dashed has been rough. Also, the fear that there is something really wrong and the uncertainty of what the future holds has kind of worn on my heart.

I don't really have the feeling of "it wasn't meant to be". I feel lilke I/ the docs are missing something- so that makes it frustrating.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

No, not really...it was more shock than anything...

But from what I can remember, even in the time right after I wasn't really emotional about it...

Maybe it was just a way of "protecting" myself

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

It seems like you have had a long road with this- so I bet it is just that. You have to kind of harden yourself, I think. And I am sure people just deal in different ways. I thought I was fine with it all, but it just bubbles up sometimes (usually after a few cocktails! ) But as time goes by, I am able to look at it more objectively- which is what it sounds like you are able to do.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I miscarried twins -- one at 10 weeks and the other at 12 weeks.

I never had a due date, never tried to figure one out. It was very upsetting at the time, especially since I had to have a D&C, but as you say, it just wasn't meant to be.

I know people have been through so much more than I have. I would not wish a m/c on anybody, but I also appreciate that it happened early on as opposed to later in my pregnancy.

The hardest thing was my BFF got pregnant one month before I did, so that was the constant reminder for me. But even so, I simply accepted what had happened and moved on, eventually to 1 IUI and 2 IVFs.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Obviously, I am emotional about Rogan...I think that's more expected - he was a living baby at that point. He took a couple of breaths when he was born, but more importantly he was moving around and kicking to the point that DH was watching him while I was in the hospital.
Since then I've had two chemicals...one that went on for a month. And I don't think about them at all. A chemical is called that for a reason...the embryo didn't implant correctly, there's something wrong with it, the body is not ready to be PG, etc. etc. My friend who has worked for an OB for over 20 years said that almost 3 out of 4 first pregnancies are chemicals...some people know, some don't...but the body is not prepared to carry a baby so that initial pregnancy is rejected, and the body begins to prepare itself for carrying a baby.

ETA: I just wanted to add - even regarding Rogan - I have mostly learned to deal with it. This is life - things happen, good things, bad things - people die, get sick, etc. My attitude is that dwelling on the negative will get you nowhere in life. You have to deal with the cards you are dealt and move on. Otherwise, you spend too much time on this earth wasted on negative thoughts.

Message edited 11/22/2008 10:37:25 AM.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

It seems like most of the posts on this thread are from people who have been through a lot in the journey to have a child...so I understand where you are coming from with the whole "get over it" thing. At the same time, I think that losing a pregancy hurts, whether you are 5 weeks, 7 weeks or much much later.

It hurts, and people need time to deal with it, and people to talk about it with. This board is generally a place where people can express that, since a lot of us don't have anyone IRL who gets what is happening.

I am not generally a person who dwells on due dates and such (I can't seem to get that far), but I can't judge those who do- they are just doing the best they can, like we all are.

Personally, I am definitely aware of how much worse things could be by reading a lot of the posts on the IF board and such. And it helps to look at things that way. At the same time, I sometimes get frustrated and sad about what I am dealing with right now.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I think everybody deals with pain and disappointment in a different way.

I think it is human to feel sorrow and pain as it happens to you. Then time passed and you may forget how painful it is.

But I also think some people don't want to hurt and brace themself and create this cocoon ball to prevent them from hurting again if it was to happen again.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I just want to clarify my statement about chemicals and what not...it was made during my first cup of coffee so it might not have come out right

I totally understand being upset...of course that is normal! My point was more towards kind of harping on it after a significant amt of time...

I am not judging anyone, just merely curious if anyone else felt the way I do

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I'm not that emotional about my miscarriage. My body did what it was supposed to do. There was a severe chromosomal abnormality. I was sad and disappointed the first few days but fine ever since.

I think a big part of why it was easier for me then for others is because I already have a healthy daughter. I think I would have been affected much more if this had been my first pregnancy. We were also able to get an answer as to why it happened which really helped with closure for me.

That said I don't fault anyone for being emotional and feeling the way they do. We all react differently and this is a big loss for anyone to deal with. It's something that none of us will ever forget.

I can say that now I do feel a new tug at my heart when I hear of someone having a miscarriage. I would prefer that no one ever has to go through anything like it.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I was REALLY upset when it happened this week. I KNEW that something was not right and that nature was taking care of business. I prefered for it to happen so early vs being much farther along in the pregnancy. Now that's it's been a few days, I came to term with it. It is what it is and I am trying to move on.

I would say I would have a much more difficult time if I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks or if I had a still born.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

i think it depends on the circumstance....

my first mc i had a due date, i had seen the dr. there was no mc history in my family and was totally shocked

then the second mc- we saw it on the screen, then saw it again- with the heartbeat- and had so much hope- again we had a due date.

both pregnancies i had a friend who was due within a week of mine- which made it a constant reminder.

Only now, that i am pregnant again- and knock on wood- almost 15 weeks- am i starting to feel better-

I could see how if you werent visiting the doctors,didnt have a due date, didnt start envisioning ideas in your head- that you wouldnt be so connected but the more days your are conciously aware you a pregnant- the more you become attached and emotional

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I believe its the level of attachment, and type of person you are. Lots of reasons.

Each of my losses have been at different times.

It took me YEARS to get over My stillborn. And I know that was extreme, but I dont feel I could have handled it better.

My two m/c's took a few weeks of sadness. My last M/c was 9 weeks ago tommorow and I dont feel too bad. I am sad at reminders, but I dont still feel saddness like I did when it happened.

As far as my chemical..I didint really feel anything, , Like you said, to me it honestly wasnt a pregnancy.

My losses were real babies, I felt moving, knew if they were boys or girls, Had pictures of etc.

The chemical was TO ME ( no flames) not a baby....so I didnt feel mournful.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Posted by LisaW

I just want to clarify my statement about chemicals and what not...it was made during my first cup of coffee so it might not have come out right

I totally understand being upset...of course that is normal! My point was more towards kind of harping on it after a significant amt of time...

I am not judging anyone, just merely curious if anyone else felt the way I do

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I still "remember" my loss, but now - for me, I'm grateful for it and see why it happened. Had I not lost the first pg, obviously my son would not be here and I now know that it was supposed to happen that way. For whatever reason that pregnancy didn't hold (I never found out) it was better off - I believe.

I don't know how I'd be if he wasn't here and I didn't have something to make me say, "oh, that's why".

I did hold on to it for a while though - I think that's just the kind of person I am, although sometimes I wish I weren't.

Everyone has a different level of disappointment or expectations surrounding their pregnancy I think - and different circumstances that make it better or worse.

We found out my pg wasn't viable on my husband's 30th bday - it suxxxed - we had this big plan to share our news at his 30th celebration - instead I was bleeding at his dinner and passed the sac (intact) two days later. For me, the worse part was I had a feeling - when I made my first appt I said to myself, "maybe I shouldn't do this on his birthday god forbid something's not right". Then I question myself - did I jinx myself by thinking that, or did I always know - or am I a nutjob altogether who needs to not analyze everything?

But, like I said, that was then - this is now. And while I hope it never happens again, and can't truly say how I would react, I really think it if did (god forbid) then I would be less emotional a second time. I think once it happens once there's that scar left, that innocence removed - so you're on guard for a while before you get too attached - at least I think I would be.

That sad, it's never easy

Message edited 11/23/2008 8:44:49 AM.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Posted by SweetCaroline


Everyone has a different level of disappointment or expectations surrounding their pregnancy I think - and different circumstances that make it better or worse.


But, like I said, that was then - this is now. And while I hope it never happens again, and can't truly say how I would react, I really think it if did (god forbid) then I would be less emotional a second time. I think once it happens once there's that scar left, that innocence removed - so you're on guard for a while before you get too attached - at least I think I would be.

That sad, it's never easy

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

did you really want to be pg at the time? A lot of us on here are really yearning to be mothers, so I think that compounds our emotions.

If you didn't really want it, perhaps thats the reason.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Posted by QueSeraSera

Posted by Gertyrae



Not to hijack the original post - but have you thought about seeing an RE to find out why you are experiencing recurrent m/c's...It's not unusual to have one, maybe two losses - but three or more successive losses are usually a sign of something bigger going on such as antibody or blood disorders.
Just a thought....

Thanks- I haven't seen an RE. My OB ran the recurrent panel after my 2nd loss and it all came up negative. The third was a chemical- I was already starting to lose it when I took an hpt. It was the first month after MCing, so the doc feels that my uterus just wasn't ready to hold a pregnancy yet. I am hoping she's right....will try again after the holidays and if it happens again I figure I'll start looking into an RE. It's tough because my OB seems to think it's all normal and that I just need to keep trying, and I want to believe that, but part of me thinks 3 in a row no matter what the circumstances is a bit wonky.

Sorry for the hijack!

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

With my first m/c, which was probably more like a chemical PG, I was sad for a few days but okay after that. I already have my DS, and just figured it was one of those fluke things. With the second m/c, it was a lot more traumatic for me for a number of reasons:

1) I am scared now about my fertility and ability to sustain a healthy, viable pregnancy. I'm going to see an RE so I can be proactive about this.

2) I felt much more of a loss with this m/c. I got my BFP about 13 dpo so I felt like I was PG for awhile even with it being only 8 weeks. Not being able to see a heartbeat was very difficult for me.

3) I chose to have the D&C procedure done under local anesthesia and that was a BIG mistake. I saw and felt everything, even with the local. I can't turn back time but I think that is contributing to me feeling so sad. It's only been a little over a week so I'm sure as time goes on I will be fine. It's just the initial emotions that are raw.

Re: Is anyone NOT emotional about a loss?

I think what made it hard for me is living those 8-10 weeks being pregnant and then poof it's gone.

I think if I had a child, I would have gotten over it alot faster.

At this point, Im pretty much over it.
My concern is that a miscarriage is going to happen again and/or that having a child is not going to happen for us.