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luvsun27
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Member since 5/05 8135 total posts
Name:
Kim
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kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
UGH...I am at my wits end here!
My stepdaughter is 12...she has lived with us since she is 7, her real mom is not in the picture and she hasn't seen her in over 3 years. SD is a slob...her room is always a mess. She is disorganized with her clothes, schoolwork, her room, etc.
DH and I are pretty neat people...don't like clutter or things out of order. I am so tired of fighting with SD about keeping her room clean and trying to be more organized.
She used to have a desk in her room...it just became one big pile of junk, and you could never sit down and do any type of work/writing at the desk. I took the desk out, and bought her a chair that she can hang out in, listen to music, read, etc. The chair became a place to throw stuff into, and you could never sit in the chair. So, the chair was removed from her room as well. Now, we bought a 9 cubicle storage think from IKEA. DH was supposed to put it together over the weekend. However, when we went into her room to explain how we expect her to keep her room...it was just a disaster. I started opening the closet/drawers and dumped everything she owned into the middle of the room. There were 15 water bottles with like 1 sip taken out of them! Some of them had glitter in them from makeup she apparently was playing with. There were crumpled papers, wrappers from snacks (she is not supposed to have food in her room), tissues, tags from clothing, clothes stuffed in every draw with no organization (socks and pants and PJ's all in the same draw).
Now, I don't expect her to keep her room perfect, and my rule is, that she can keep it however she wants, but it gets cleaned every weekend on Sunday. Clean to me, is everything put back into place where it belongs...clean to her is everything shoved into somewhere where nobody can see it 
DH was so upset on Saturday because this is how his ex lived (her mother).
Of course...me expecting her to put things in their place and her rolling her eyes and talking very freshly to both me and DH caused me to take her nintendo DS away along with the makeup. I told her she can earn them both back, by following the rules and not giving an attitude.
However..taking things away never changes anything with her. Trying to reward her doesn't change things either. I have tried doing things like, taking her to the movies, mani/pedi, shopping, but things usually go back to the way they were in a day or 2.
I am at my wits end here. I really don't know how to teach someone to be organized, who is not. I am tired with fighting with her about it...I am tired of fighting with DH about it. I am tired of being the bad guy when these 2 gang up on me DH has told me that he agrees with what I am doing...but when I am not around, she manipulates him to let her watch TV, play on the computer, etc (whatever might have been taken away at that point).
Message edited 9/9/2008 1:51:48 PM.
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Posted 9/9/08 1:50 PM  |
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MrsSteflily
I love chocolate
Member since 4/06 2047 total posts
Name:
Stef
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
I have a SD that is 14 so I understand.
 Being a SM is not easy, close the door and let your DH handle it.
This is an example of picking your battles. Just close the door. If she wants to live like that, let her. But I wouldn't buy her anything new until she could take care of what she has. That means no new clothes, no new DS games, no new anything.
If it becomes a health hazard, give her a warning then bag it all up and throw it out.
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| Posted 9/9/08 1:56 PM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
Go out and buy the book...
"How to Behave So Your Children Will Too" by Sal Severe.
With back to school came new rules in our home. We realized that we were still parenting "children" and now we needed to start parenting "preteens" and what we were doing wasnt working all that well.
Im so NOT a read the book type of person. By this book really really makes sense and makes you realize where the problems are.
We're going little by little. DH and I are reading a chapter and then we talk about it. So not us either but the book is THAT good.
Im happy to say that we are already starting to see some results and we're only a week in.
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| Posted 9/9/08 1:59 PM |
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luvsun27
Check out my cool glasses
Member since 5/05 8135 total posts
Name:
Kim
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
Posted by MrsSteflily
I have a SD that is 14 so I understand.
Being a SM is not easy, close the door and let your DH handle it.
This is an example of picking your battles. Just close the door. If she wants to live like that, let her. But I wouldn't buy her anything new until she could take care of what she has. That means no new clothes, no new DS games, no new anything.
If it becomes a health hazard, give her a warning then bag it all up and throw it out.
I have tried this route. Last school year, she decided that she didn't want to eat her lunch (that she made and brought to school). For some reason, she brought the lunch home and put it in her closet. A few days later, and DH asks me if I smell anything. We follow the smell into her room...find the rotting sandwhich on the bottom of her closet and the febreeze spray on her dresser. When we asked her why she had the febreeze in her room, she said it smelled in there  DH asked why she didn't think that it was the sandwhich that was rotting that could have caused bugs or mice or something
As for DH handling everything. I have tried that route, but it doesn't work. DH agrees with most of what I say, but he goes upstairs or down to the basemet to watch TV at night and usually falls asleep  That leaves me to deal with getting showered, getting ready for bed on time, etc.
I have bagged it all up and threatened to throw it all out after the sandwhich incident...and DH told me I was too mean and gave it all back. He's a pushover and she knows it!
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| Posted 9/9/08 2:13 PM |
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luvsun27
Check out my cool glasses
Member since 5/05 8135 total posts
Name:
Kim
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
Posted by hbugal
Go out and buy the book...
"How to Behave So Your Children Will Too" by Sal Severe.
With back to school came new rules in our home. We realized that we were still parenting "children" and now we needed to start parenting "preteens" and what we were doing wasnt working all that well.
Im so NOT a read the book type of person. By this book really really makes sense and makes you realize where the problems are.
We're going little by little. DH and I are reading a chapter and then we talk about it. So not us either but the book is THAT good.
Im happy to say that we are already starting to see some results and we're only a week in.
Thanks..I'll give it a try
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| Posted 9/9/08 2:14 PM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
Posted by luvsun27
Posted by hbugal
Go out and buy the book...
"How to Behave So Your Children Will Too" by Sal Severe.
With back to school came new rules in our home. We realized that we were still parenting "children" and now we needed to start parenting "preteens" and what we were doing wasnt working all that well.
Im so NOT a read the book type of person. By this book really really makes sense and makes you realize where the problems are.
We're going little by little. DH and I are reading a chapter and then we talk about it. So not us either but the book is THAT good.
Im happy to say that we are already starting to see some results and we're only a week in.
Thanks..I'll give it a try
It really is THAT good of a book. It's not so much for children under 3 more for as they get older. But it can set the basis for smaller children also.
It'll definitely help with your SD. It's also not a huge book and it's an easy read. It's not a step by step type of thing. It more or less just shows you why you arent getting any results.
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| Posted 9/9/08 2:17 PM |
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EmmaNick
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Member since 12/06 16001 total posts
Name:
*
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
Sounds like Nicholas, but honestly his disoganization stems from other things. I have to actually help him clean his room and show him where the things go to make it clean the way it should be. I read somewhere that you can't just say clean your room, you have to actively participate until they get it. Clean to them and clean to us is different.
I've tried taking things way, bagging it all up, etc., but it just aggrivated the situation because *I* was the one getting upset over it all and I know he won't ever change. Some people are just messy and sometimes you can't change that, but maybe if you guys help a few times, she'll get how it *should* be done.
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| Posted 9/9/08 2:19 PM |
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luvsun27
Check out my cool glasses
Member since 5/05 8135 total posts
Name:
Kim
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
I have *tried* to help, but I get frustrated with the attitude and the constant eye-rolling I wind up just wanting to throw something at the wall, so I leave all mad. DH usually gets the same way
On Sunday, she filled an entire contractor size garbage bag full of junk! She spent all day on Saturday and up until 2 o'clock on Sunday cleaning. My Monday morning...there was stuff all thrown all over her room already 
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| Posted 9/9/08 2:30 PM |
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EmmaNick
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Member since 12/06 16001 total posts
Name:
*
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
Posted by luvsun27
I have *tried* to help, but I get frustrated with the attitude and the constant eye-rolling I wind up just wanting to throw something at the wall, so I leave all mad. DH usually gets the same way
On Sunday, she filled an entire contractor size garbage bag full of junk! She spent all day on Saturday and up until 2 o'clock on Sunday cleaning. My Monday morning...there was stuff all thrown all over her room already
I don't get the eye rolling (yet!)  I know what you mean though, it's clean and the next day it's trashed again 
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| Posted 9/9/08 2:33 PM |
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JennyPenny
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Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
Sorry I'm crashing- but wanted to put my 2 cents in.
Some people just don't have the NECESSITY to be organized and orderly. Maybe she doesn't find it important. Just because you do- doesn't mean she will follow, either. And I don't think she's messy just because her mom was.
When I was growing up I had everything stuffed in my closet and under my bed. I had a decent sized walk-in closet and it was literally filled practically to the ceiling. Dresser drawers were filled to the brim with whatever I could stuff in them. I stapled pictured of me and my friends all over my walls.
My parents threatened to throw all of my stuff away. They grounded me. They took stuff away. Nothing worked, because I didn't desire a spotless room. It wasn't as important to me as going out with friends or talking on the phone. It usually ISN'T for a teenager/Preteen. I didn't clean it until I was forced to and then it would take me DAYS and I would have reinforcments come over to keep me company and help me.
My advice to you- close her door and ignore it. If you are having company that will see it- make her clean it. And make her clean it once a month. Like- REALLY clean it. And supervise if you have to.
If it makes you feel better- I am an adult, married and living in a decent sized apartment- and I am a pretty clean/organized person. I am in no way as much of a messy person as I was back then.
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| Posted 9/9/08 2:36 PM |
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kaadf5
LIF Adolescent
Member since 4/08 538 total posts
Name:
anna
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
I would try taking a half hour before bed each night and going in to straighten it up before it gets to the "disaster mode" I don't like messy rooms or tolerate the eye rolls. Just be consistent and don't let her get you to the point where you are boiling mad then she wins.
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| Posted 9/9/08 3:02 PM |
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MommyAgain
lovemygermies
Member since 6/08 3195 total posts
Name:
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
Posted by JennyPenny
Sorry I'm crashing- but wanted to put my 2 cents in.
Some people just don't have the NECESSITY to be organized and orderly. Maybe she doesn't find it important. Just because you do- doesn't mean she will follow, either. And I don't think she's messy just because her mom was.
When I was growing up I had everything stuffed in my closet and under my bed. I had a decent sized walk-in closet and it was literally filled practically to the ceiling. Dresser drawers were filled to the brim with whatever I could stuff in them. I stapled pictured of me and my friends all over my walls.
My parents threatened to throw all of my stuff away. They grounded me. They took stuff away. Nothing worked, because I didn't desire a spotless room. It wasn't as important to me as going out with friends or talking on the phone. It usually ISN'T for a teenager/Preteen. I didn't clean it until I was forced to and then it would take me DAYS and I would have reinforcments come over to keep me company and help me.
My advice to you- close her door and ignore it. If you are having company that will see it- make her clean it. And make her clean it once a month. Like- REALLY clean it. And supervise if you have to.
If it makes you feel better- I am an adult, married and living in a decent sized apartment- and I am a pretty clean/organized person. I am in no way as much of a messy person as I was back then.
ITA, i was the same way...and i do have to say, in my case..i came from a terrible divorce, a pretty disfunctional mother was raising me, and i just didnt "care" about my room being a mess like my OCD mother did...it wasnt important..what was important to me at the time, was being with my friends and trying to forget that i wasnt very happy..
to be honest, your SD must have some kinda issues stemming from not seeing her real mother for so many years, no matter what this has a huge effect on a child..and maybe the not cleaning her room, is a symptom of something larger really hurting her..
i know youre frustrated, and as someone who had a terrible stepmother actually, i appreciate that you seem to be really trying to "parent" her in a good way..but, she may really need something else.
I think in her situation, as far as what you explained, this goes beyond a messy room...
i mean its not laziness really, or she wouldnt have taken the effort to get the febreze, she wouldve just thrown the sandwhich out...same effort..
it almost seems like spite..which stems from hurt.
could be shes trying to piss u off, to see if youll abandon her too..
could be shes trying to get some attention from daddy
could be shes just unhappy in her life, and doesnt feel like cleanliness is important or that shes "worthy" of it..
do you guys go to counseling??
Message edited 9/9/2008 6:33:46 PM.
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| Posted 9/9/08 6:32 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: kids rooms...how do you deal? (long)
I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My dd is a SLOB!!! Once a month I am screaming over her room being a disaster. It is disgusting and I can NOT understand how she could live like that. She also draws on EVERYTHING-furniture, walls, comforters, stuffed animals.
My dh could be a slob too so I know she inherits it from him but it drives me nuts.
I give her things to be organized, baskets, buckets, etc. but to no avail every couple of weeks, it is a mess again.
I know my neighbors hate when I go in her room-lol!!!
I don't know what else I can do for her. She is 10.
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| Posted 9/9/08 7:04 PM |
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