Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

I posted the other day a close family friend lost her twins at over 5 months. My parents and I are not sure what to do. Send a thinking of you card? Send food? Send nothing? My mom keeps asking me and I have no idea. I can only imagine how hard this is for her and her parents (my parents best friends).

Also, at 5 months, I know she had to deliver the babies. Is there normally a memorial or funeral of some sort? I'm embarrassed to ask but my mom asked me and I have no idea. My mom doesn't want to ask her friend right now either.

We don't want to do anything to upset them , just let them know we are thinking of them and are here if they need us

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

So sad...

I can't imagine. I'd probably be on the phone just reminding her I'm here for her. Or in your case in person. Maybe her mom or someone close to her will know the details of what you can do to help?

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

my cousin had late term still born twins and they had a memorial service. but just for immediate family.

i would send a card and food. even if your mom sends the food to her friends house instead of the daughters i am sure it would still be appreciated.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

Check out Angel of hope.

We bought a brick in memory of the little boy that my friend had to deliver and lost at 5 months



ETA: For the immediate I am big on bringing the family food. Bagels and cream cheese. Ziti and meatballs. THings like that - because they won't be thinking about eating - but they will need to eat KWIM?!

ETA: Link to Angela's House

Message edited 4/15/2011 4:07:18 PM.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

a card with something personal and nice written. a sincere offer to be there to talk. and if you are close, just going out to lunch, and talking and letting the person feel it is ok to talk about. i think sometimes the person who suffered feels that cant speak about it because it makes others uncomfortable. maybe just not being afraid to talk about it is helpful to your friends. if you talk to the couple, i think it is ok to ask if they are having a memorial service, if they named the babies, etc. You will get a sense of whether they want to just put it behind them and not talk about it, in which case, back off and just be there to distract them, or if they find it helpful and cathartic to talk about.

so sorry for your friends.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

We received flowers, plants, cookies, and many cards. They were all very comforting to know family and friends were thinking about us.

No matter what you send, they'll appreciate it.

I am so sorry.

Message edited 4/15/2011 4:10:16 PM.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

My parent's best friends had a similar situation. Their son and DIL lost their baby at 7 months but gave birth and the baby held on for a week. It was awful- especially since they had fertitily issues due to the son having survived BRAIN CANCER. I mean really how much do some people have to suffer.

Anyway, I digress. I live out of state so I didn't see the son until about a year after it happened. I asked how he was doing and were he and his wife ok with the anniversary of her birth/death coming up and did he need to talk, etc.
He was so happy that someone actually asked him how he was feeling! He said no one ever brought up his lost daughter and that it made him and his wife feel so lost and lonely. We talked for a really long time.

I think ANY gesture you do is thoughtful and well meaning. I would send a heartfelt card AND something special such as food, a memorial of sorts, whatever. Just show them that you care

Message edited 4/15/2011 4:14:08 PM.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

We received plants, food, and edible arrangements when we lost our son at 6 months. I think any kind of food is appreciated if you want to send something because the last thing we felt like doing was cooking.

We had a funeral but it was for immediate family only.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

There is no right answer. A friend of mine went into preterm labor and had her baby at just shy of 25 weeks. He died two days later. She refused any phone calls, had a private burial and still to this day refuses to talk about it.

I did send her something however. I know she likes apples and caramel so I sent her a basket of that from Manhattan Fruitery or something like that. I just had the card read "Thinking of you"

That being said, a coworker lost her baby girl at five months and talked about it all the time and showed me pictures of her before they buried her.

Everyone grieves differently, so you just need to go with your gut.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

If the babies were born passed 20 weeks they have to be buried. Depending upon where she lives they will probably be buried at Pinelawn. (my son's are buried there)

My suggestion is to just never forget. That's really the only thing we ever want...

My suggestion is too give her something to remember the twins by....

My mom, every year, gets me 2 of something. Some kind of little knickknack. It means the world to me. (Last she started buying me coffee mugs that have 2 of something on it b/c she felt that I had enough knickknacks)

If these were going to be her first children, my additional suggestion, would be to send flowers and or a card on Mother's day. That's going to be something huge for her...

Please feel free to contact me. Im sure I can help you figure out what to do.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

Posted by Diana1215

Check out Angel of hope.

We bought a brick in memory of the little boy that my friend had to deliver and lost at 5 months



ETA: For the immediate I am big on bringing the family food. Bagels and cream cheese. Ziti and meatballs. THings like that - because they won't be thinking about eating - but they will need to eat KWIM?!

ETA: Link to Angela's House

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

Thanks everyone!

My mom finally spoke to her friend. Her daughter did deliver the babies. They were alive and she was able to hold them. They died shortly after but she had them cremated and as of now will not be having any kind of service. She did not want to name them.

She is staying with her parents and has not come out of her room and will not speak to anyone. They are giving her time to grieve on her own terms.

My parents and I will be sending food at the very least right now.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

My bro and sil just lost their baby recently at 30 weeks. For them, they needed to know we were there for them but didn't want any remembrances. I brought them food and love. She did have to deliver the baby a rabbi took the baby and buried it in a cemetery. There was no service. A friend lost her baby at 18 weeks and did bury and have a funeral.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

Posted by Mommy2Boys

Posted by hbugal

If the babies were born passed 20 weeks they have to be buried. Depending upon where she lives they will probably be buried at Pinelawn. (my son's are buried there)

My suggestion is to just never forget. That's really the only thing we ever want...

My suggestion is too give her something to remember the twins by....

My mom, every year, gets me 2 of something. Some kind of little knickknack. It means the world to me. (Last she started buying me coffee mugs that have 2 of something on it b/c she felt that I had enough knickknacks)

If these were going to be her first children, my additional suggestion, would be to send flowers and or a card on Mother's day. That's going to be something huge for her...

Please feel free to contact me. Im sure I can help you figure out what to do.

Thanks Heather

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

it depends on what the person wants. I had a funeral for my daughter who was stillborn.

I honestly cant think of anything that would have helped me or i'd have wanted except for people to BE THERE. I wanted to talk, scream , cry... a lot and people avoided me.

You can and should ask her. You should say What can I do to help? Not What can I do, but how can I help. She most likely will say nothing, but ya never know. Or simply say What do you need?

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

sorry for your friends loss

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

I have a friend who lost her son at 32 weeks back in January and she's still heartbroken every day over it. It was the week before her shower was supposed to be, too. But she had so much set up at home and prepared for her baby (she was team but always knew it was going to be a boy).

For her, food and meals was incredibly helpful. She spent 5 days in the hospital being induced to deliver his body, and when he was finally out, she was discharged straight out of L&D instead of going to the maternity ward. It was the least her doctor could do for her to not make her draw it out any longer. They were the worst 5 days of her life.

When she got home, first all she wanted to do was sleep and hide from the world. Gifts of food were the absolute best for her and her husband because they couldn't face going out in public at the time. When they did go out, people asked where the baby was since it was pretty obvious at the places they used to go that she was going to have a baby. It destroyed her for a while.

She turned it around and started a group called Ryan's Footprints on facebook to help others in similar situations. She's working on projects now to try to help other families with late-term loss because she was so touched by those who helped her out.

The best gift she received was a memory necklace with a butterfly and a birthstone for the month she lost her son on it (butterflies mean a lot to her). Even though he isn't here anymore, she finds comfort in preserving his memory. She started the group to try to turn the sadness she felt every time she thought about her loss into a positive.

I do suggest a sympathy card (I'm sure Hallmark actually makes one specifically for this situation) and a basket with food of some sort. IMHO, flowers are more trouble than they are worth.

Many prayers for your friends.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

A donation to the March of Dimes.

I am so sorry for your friends loss.

Message edited 4/15/2011 7:07:36 PM.

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?

Re: Late term miscarriage...what can I do to help?