Marriage after Baby

How is everyone dealing with this? I love my DH to death but I feel like we are so snappy with each other these days and we don't spend any quality time together. I know that I nag him too much but its frustrating when I ask him a million times to make sure he washes his hands and he still doesn't do it or if I tell him that Miranda likes to be held over the should when she's fussy and he insists on the cradle hold meanwhile she's still crying.

I was so sick and miserable for a lot of my pregnancy that we didn't really take advantage of our last days without a baby. Sex was the last thing I wanted my entire pregnancy and now it seems like DH isn't even interested. I know a lot of this is probably hormonal and the stress of a new baby plus all the extra stuff we're having to go through with Miranda but it just freaks me out. My parents got divorced when I was little and I remember them fighting all the time and I just never want that to happen to us. I also see DH's sister who is still married but miserable and they bicker in front of their child alot.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do. I really have a great DH and every day I tell myself I'm going to be "good" and I end up starting the day off with him on the wrong foot. He's not a fighter either so I never know if he's mad or not.

I know we should try to get out on dates which eventually we'll do but at 8 weeks I am just not ready to leave Miranda yet with all the issues we're having. Plus I have to either nurse or pump every 2-3 hours so for us to go on a date withouth the baby that would be impossible.

Sorry for another vent.
Just looking for any suggestions anyone might have as to how you still made husband and wife time important.

Re: Marriage after Baby

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice, just lots of

Re: Marriage after Baby

I know how you feel. DH works until midnight and he goes to bed in the early AM (between 3-5). He doesn't wake up until the afternoon and he basically gets up and gets ready for work. I feel like I barely see him and he really doesn't get to spend much time with Christopher. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a complete stranger

Re: Marriage after Baby

Posted by SoinLove

I know how you feel. DH works until midnight and he goes to bed in the early AM (between 3-5). He doesn't wake up until the afternoon and he basically gets up and gets ready for work. I feel like I barely see him and he really doesn't get to spend much time with Christopher. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a complete stranger

Re: Marriage after Baby

Re: Marriage after Baby

It is an adjustment after you have a baby, but once she starts sleeping through the night and gets on a schedule you will feel a lot better and you will have more quality time with your DH I was the same way with DH always trying to tell him what to do and how to do it, then I began to zip up my mouth and let him find his own way to soothe Alex.

Since you aren't ready to go out on a "date" with your DH, why don't you try staying in and having an indoor picnic. After you put the baby to sleep, put a blanket on the floor have some picky type foods and just chat with some nice music on in the background. You wouldn't even have to cook just pick up some salamis, cheese, hummus or anything you like.

Re: Marriage after Baby

It's hard. DH works really long hours M-F. He leaves our house at 6am and gets home 9:30-10pm. So I have to do EVERYTHING for Sarah and in the house. I'm pretty much in bed by 10:30, and he's just finishing eating, getting changed, etc.

Weekends he tries to pretty much take care of Sarah to give me a break. Which is nice, but I feel like we don't spend any time together just us. Plus I try to leave him alone with her a lot on the weekends so he can bond with her, so sometimes I feel like we don't even do stuff as a family that much.

Things were pretty bad recently, I was really depressed and we had a big talk about us and our relationship and all and it really helped to hear how he was feeling and for him to hear how I was feeling. Now we're pregnant again.

Re: Marriage after Baby

Posted by SoinLove

Posted by monkeybride
I wanted to say to DH this morning that I feel like we're roommated and not husband and wife. Grrrr so frustrating.

I've actually said this to my DH before and he laughed. It really is frustrating.

Re: Marriage after Baby

Vent away...I'm sure everyone has moments like this.

DH and I try really hard to put our marriage first and it's not always easy, but it really is the best thing to do, because if the parents are not happy, the baby won't be happy.

I do have some suggestions. I know it's hard (I've been getting worse at this rather than better at it) but you have to try really hard not to criticize his parenting approaches. If he wants to hold Miranda in a cradle hold while she screams in his face while you know full well that simply throwing her over his shoulder will make it stop... LET him. Two things will happen - either he'll figure it out himself, or he'll find another way to comfort her. Miranda will be fine - he's not going to let her suffer. He is her father, he is trusting his instincts just like you are trusting yours. Just because he does it differently doesn't mean it's wrong, just different. If you squelch him everytime he tries, he will eventually just not want to try at all. You have to let him develop his own ways of handling her. (I'm not criticizing you, btw, this the general 'you' and I'm just explaining why this helps)

In the meantime, be thankful that he is holding her and you have a chance to do something else... and it's not your face she's screaming in!


Another thing is...okay I know you don't want to leave the baby, especially with her feeding problems but you HAVE to. For your sanity and for the sake of your marriage, and for the happiness of your baby. I said it before and I'll say it again, if YOUR basic needs aren't met, you can't meet your baby's basic needs as well as you could. And your baby will sense your despair and unhappiness. So, if you can't arrange a date night just yet (though you should make this a priority - DH and I went out without the baby on our first date night when Jake was 4 weeks old) -- at least take a few hours to yourself and leave the baby with your DH.

I read your vents and I can so easily put myself in your shoes and feel what you are feeling... I felt myself on the edge of where you are right now many times during those first weeks and I can only imagine that it's even worse for you. I had to consciously make the effort to not let things go there... by going out without the baby, taking breaks, and learning to say to myself things like "well, if he doesn't put on the diaper on the 'right' way - what's the worst thing that will happen? The baby will just poop all over himself, Dh will have to bathe him, and he will learn to next time fit the diaper better".

One more thing - one way that we have kept some degree of "pre-baby normalcy" in our marriage is that we always eat dinner together. We make sure the baby is sleeping or whatever (as long as he is happy), and we and then we sit down to a calm relaxed dinner together. Okay, it's not always a relaxed dinner, but you get the idea!

I'm sorry this is so long... it's just that I can really empathize...

Re: Marriage after Baby

Its funny you should post this because I feel the same way u do. Sex was the last thing on my mind when I was pregnant also, and now my mind is so on Julia that i'm not putting much effort into our marriage. I also BF and I hate to pump so us trying to go out alone is so not happening right now. I hate to leave her too with anyone, and some of my friends are like (Melissa get over it you also need a life), but I'm happy to be with my baby it doesnt bother me at all. I guess I will feel a little better to leave her when shes older. Julia is 4 mths too and I'm still like this--lol

I also get on my husbands case about being clean when he holds her--take a shower after work--or wash your hands!! or I yell at him if he doesnt hold her the way I do, I feel so bad! I think once our babies get a little older we wont be at crazy like we are now--lol My husband is very understanding, and hates to fight so he just does what I tell him to do when it comes to Julia. I say sorry to him all the time for why I'm acting so crazy and he so understands. Its all the hormones we have plus more cause we breastfeed. I'm sure it will get better. We just have to try to controll ourselves--lol

Re: Marriage after Baby

Well I totally understand what your going through I feel like my FH and I are jsut rooomates and our daughter is a little over a year when I was pg I was n't really into sex either. Now afterthe baby I was and he wasn't and still now he isn't we argue about this alot not in front of the baby though. ITs hard on us as well cuz we work opposite schedules he works from 7pm to 6am and I work 9am to 5pm so we really don't spend time together except friday nite and saturday nite and we havent' had a date nite in I can't tell you how long.

Re: Marriage after Baby

Posted by BabyAvocado

Vent away...I'm sure everyone has moments like this.

DH and I try really hard to put our marriage first and it's not always easy, but it really is the best thing to do, because if the parents are not happy, the baby won't be happy.

I do have some suggestions. I know it's hard (I've been getting worse at this rather than better at it) but you have to try really hard not to criticize his parenting approaches. If he wants to hold Miranda in a cradle hold while she screams in his face while you know full well that simply throwing her over his shoulder will make it stop... LET him. Two things will happen - either he'll figure it out himself, or he'll find another way to comfort her. Miranda will be fine - he's not going to let her suffer. He is her father, he is trusting his instincts just like you are trusting yours. Just because he does it differently doesn't mean it's wrong, just different. If you squelch him everytime he tries, he will eventually just not want to try at all. You have to let him develop his own ways of handling her. (I'm not criticizing you, btw, this the general 'you' and I'm just explaining why this helps)

In the meantime, be thankful that he is holding her and you have a chance to do something else... and it's not your face she's screaming in!


Another thing is...okay I know you don't want to leave the baby, especially with her feeding problems but you HAVE to. For your sanity and for the sake of your marriage, and for the happiness of your baby. I said it before and I'll say it again, if YOUR basic needs aren't met, you can't meet your baby's basic needs as well as you could. And your baby will sense your despair and unhappiness. So, if you can't arrange a date night just yet (though you should make this a priority - DH and I went out without the baby on our first date night when Jake was 4 weeks old) -- at least take a few hours to yourself and leave the baby with your DH.

I read your vents and I can so easily put myself in your shoes and feel what you are feeling... I felt myself on the edge of where you are right now many times during those first weeks and I can only imagine that it's even worse for you. I had to consciously make the effort to not let things go there... by going out without the baby, taking breaks, and learning to say to myself things like "well, if he doesn't put on the diaper on the 'right' way - what's the worst thing that will happen? The baby will just poop all over himself, Dh will have to bathe him, and he will learn to next time fit the diaper better".

One more thing - one way that we have kept some degree of "pre-baby normalcy" in our marriage is that we always eat dinner together. We make sure the baby is sleeping or whatever (as long as he is happy), and we and then we sit down to a calm relaxed dinner together. Okay, it's not always a relaxed dinner, but you get the idea!

I'm sorry this is so long... it's just that I can really empathize...

Re: Marriage after Baby

I think something you have to remember is that you marriage will not be the same as it was before babies came along. So you need to stop trying to replicate that old relationship and find out how the new one will work. There is no more freedom to do what you want, sometimes you have to plan when to have sex as unromantic as that can be, it is reality now. Life has been turned upside down as far as your marriage, IMO and the best way to deal with it is not to dwell on how you can't go out to dinner alone, etc. Then maybe it will be easier to figure out what your new normal relationship will be. That is at least how I see it.

Re: Marriage after Baby

Posted by BabyAvocado

Vent away...I'm sure everyone has moments like this.

DH and I try really hard to put our marriage first and it's not always easy, but it really is the best thing to do, because if the parents are not happy, the baby won't be happy.

I do have some suggestions. I know it's hard (I've been getting worse at this rather than better at it) but you have to try really hard not to criticize his parenting approaches. If he wants to hold Miranda in a cradle hold while she screams in his face while you know full well that simply throwing her over his shoulder will make it stop... LET him. Two things will happen - either he'll figure it out himself, or he'll find another way to comfort her. Miranda will be fine - he's not going to let her suffer. He is her father, he is trusting his instincts just like you are trusting yours. Just because he does it differently doesn't mean it's wrong, just different. If you squelch him everytime he tries, he will eventually just not want to try at all. You have to let him develop his own ways of handling her. (I'm not criticizing you, btw, this the general 'you' and I'm just explaining why this helps)

In the meantime, be thankful that he is holding her and you have a chance to do something else... and it's not your face she's screaming in!


Another thing is...okay I know you don't want to leave the baby, especially with her feeding problems but you HAVE to. For your sanity and for the sake of your marriage, and for the happiness of your baby. I said it before and I'll say it again, if YOUR basic needs aren't met, you can't meet your baby's basic needs as well as you could. And your baby will sense your despair and unhappiness. So, if you can't arrange a date night just yet (though you should make this a priority - DH and I went out without the baby on our first date night when Jake was 4 weeks old) -- at least take a few hours to yourself and leave the baby with your DH.

I read your vents and I can so easily put myself in your shoes and feel what you are feeling... I felt myself on the edge of where you are right now many times during those first weeks and I can only imagine that it's even worse for you. I had to consciously make the effort to not let things go there... by going out without the baby, taking breaks, and learning to say to myself things like "well, if he doesn't put on the diaper on the 'right' way - what's the worst thing that will happen? The baby will just poop all over himself, Dh will have to bathe him, and he will learn to next time fit the diaper better".

One more thing - one way that we have kept some degree of "pre-baby normalcy" in our marriage is that we always eat dinner together. We make sure the baby is sleeping or whatever (as long as he is happy), and we and then we sit down to a calm relaxed dinner together. Okay, it's not always a relaxed dinner, but you get the idea!

I'm sorry this is so long... it's just that I can really empathize...

Re: Marriage after Baby

Message edited 2/8/2007 10:53:12 AM.

Re: Marriage after Baby

I highly recommend to try and nip this in the bud now and really try to work on "alone time" with your husband. The only reason I say this, is because our son is 2 now and we still don't go out or have a "life" to ourselves. And although I understand that having a baby changes everything, I know the parents that go out by themselves are just more relaxed happier people! I feel as if we are in a rut now, and although we both realize this, its very hard when we don't have anyone to babysit. I really need to find a babysitter that I can trust. As far as the problems your having with your daughter... I am so sorry that its tough for you. Our son was colicky and it was a horrible experience for us. The first 6 months were terrible. And he had a milk protein allergy as well. It was so bad, that till this day when I hear the music from the fp oceans wonder I want to vomit! Because it brings back such hard times. This too shall pass- I promise!! AS some areas get better you will be stronger.. to you...

(try to put on your wedding song or watch your video in candle light to kind of warm things up)

Feel free to fm me if you want to talk...

Re: Marriage after Baby

Thanks everyone!! I am definitely going to talk with DH about how I'm feeling and see what we can work out together to have us time. Even if its a half hour when the baby is sleeping.
I can't express what a great group of women you all are. I wouldn't have survived these last several weeks without all of you to "listen"!

Re: Marriage after Baby

Sandra-perfect post! I agree 1000000%

I want to add one more thing....
I think as women we play a lot of different roles...mom, wife, friend, daughter, et...

Our husbands look at us differently now...I mean I dont know about you - but I am not at my hottest when I am pumping haha....they see our bodies not as sexual things anymore but baby machines. Our breasts are not just sexy, now they are functional. We pushed babies out of the most intimate areas!! No wonder they (or we ) aren't into sex much!!!

I say - we play different roles...so play them. When you want to be intimate with your DH's - forget the baby - wear lingerie - do something that makes you sexy - makes you different than the woman who nutures, breast feeds, talks baby talk...does that make sense?

And intimacy doesnt always have to be sex. Jump in the shower together, cook dinne together, touch eachother...even if you are just passing eachother in the hall....it takes work-but doesn't everything else we love?

Re: Marriage after Baby

Re: Marriage after Baby

Even though baby is both of your first priorities, you can't forget about eachother. If you can find someone to babysit, try and get out, even for two or three hours at a time, together. We also try and do alot of family things together, and then when she goes off to sleep, we continue our great day. 's to you!

Re: Marriage after Baby

We must be having the same week Jen... DH and I got into a HUGE fight on Thursday. Before Alex we rarely, if never, fought, and now we're constantly bickering Like every other major life changing event, I give this my "three month grace period"... meaning, whenever there is something HUGE or stressful or life changing, there's always an adjustment period that is usually very rough... we're definitely in the throes of it right now. I don't have much advice because I'm in the middle of it myself, but I can say that I agree with the dinnertime idea. Everynight DH and I sit down and have dinner together. It's our time to catch up and talk, even if Alex is awake. We just put her in her bouncy seat and dedicate dinnertime for us... it helps, a little, I think.

Re: Marriage after Baby

Posted by Bxgell2

We must be having the same week Jen... DH and I got into a HUGE fight on Thursday. Before Alex we rarely, if never, fought, and now we're constantly bickering Like every other major life changing event, I give this my "three month grace period"... meaning, whenever there is something HUGE or stressful or life changing, there's always an adjustment period that is usually very rough... we're definitely in the throes of it right now. I don't have much advice because I'm in the middle of it myself, but I can say that I agree with the dinnertime idea. Everynight DH and I sit down and have dinner together. It's our time to catch up and talk, even if Alex is awake. We just put her in her bouncy seat and dedicate dinnertime for us... it helps, a little, I think.

Re: Marriage after Baby

I went out today with my sister to pick out her nursery furniture (gasp she spent so much) and then we had lunch and I went to lane bryant and bought sexy bras! yay...anyway, i left Emily for 4 hours with Bill, and I was so worried.

But what I hvae to remember is that in the beginning I didn't know exactly what calmed her, and I learned through trial and error. He needs to learn for himself what works for her as well, and for him it might be different things then work for me. I need to give him enough space when he's with her to find that out for himself, and maybe then it'll also help with him appreciating what I do all day.

Re: Marriage after Baby

Re: Marriage after Baby

I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Me and my DH never fought and lately we've been bickering about everything.
Just keep talking to your DH about whatever it is that is bothering you. Eventually he WILL hear you and hopefully you can get back to the way things were WITHOUT THE BICKERING.
Go out to lunch or rent a movie when the baby goes to sleep. You can have someone watch the baby for an hour or two and it will help.
You WILL have better days.