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MrsKS
Thank You St. Gerard.....
Member since 12/09 8306 total posts
Name:
Kerri
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MC Vent....
Sooo i found out through genetic testing that it was due to Trisomy 21... down's syndrome.
Aside from that... when people find out you had a miscarriage.. they auto start saying "it's god's way or nature's way" or "there was probably a problem and you are LUCKY it took care of itself" and "it WILL happen for you... I PROMISE" "I KNOW you will have a happy and healthy baby" or "It's SOOO COMMON.. this happens to SOOO MANY women... so you aren't alone" etc. I'm sure you have all heard this crap.... and usually it's from someone who NEVER went through an actual MC. Because if they did they probably wouldn't ever say anything like that.
I have one friend in particular who is a HUGE preacher on all the things I posted above. So when she asked about the genetic testing and I told her... she said "well you wouldn't want a baby like that anyway... so it's a blessing this happened". She actually then ASKED me a question based on her comment... "like would you really want a kid with downs syndrome?" and waited for an actual answer from me... like she expected me to say... no I don't want a sick baby and I'm happy I had a MC. I didn't say that AT ALL... it's not at all how i feel about it at all. Also, Both Dh and I have to go for genetic testing to see if one or both or non of us are carriers... so yes there is a possibility that not only can this happen again... but if we are both carriers... we could even end up with a health baby who has downs syndrome... so please do not try to get me to say that I wouldn't want a baby like that!!!!!
Is it me or is this type of talk RUDE?? I'm SOOO SICK of hearing it and everytime someone starts this type of "comforting" BS talk... i just want to kick them in the mouth!!! they have NO IDEA what they are even talking about and have NO IDEA what I am going through... and if you don't know then you should STFU!!!!!
Ahh I sooooo had to get that out!! Anyone else feel this way? Or experience these types of comments? do they bother you? or am I just being too sensitive???
Message edited 3/15/2010 9:04:07 PM.
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Posted 3/15/10 4:29 PM  |
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MrsKS
Thank You St. Gerard.....
Member since 12/09 8306 total posts
Name:
Kerri
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Re: My MC Vent
OH and I meant to say this as well... I know that a lot of the people are trying to be nice and comforting.... but how in the world can someone PROMISE or KNOW when someone will have a healthy baby? this always confuses me. It's just not something I'd ever say to someone. I wouldn't be able to promise this because I'm not doctor and don't know the situation in that manner. I know the point is to comfort me... but at the same time... it doesn't work bc I just think "really? You promise and know it will work out?? HOW how do you know? How do you promise? Can you fix things if they went array again? NO... so this is empty to me".
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| Posted 3/15/10 5:18 PM |
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Maggie22
LIF Infant
Member since 10/09 111 total posts
Name:
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Re: My MC Vent
awww... I totally know your fustration. I cant believe how people react. I sometimes catch myself making excuses for them. "They dont know any better" "they never went through this" "they dont know what to say". I stopped that a long time ago. Making excuses just made me feel worse. I get that stuff all the time. I am having a hard time getting over my 2nd mc and I am getting chemo done to help get rid of it. People tell me all the time it, once the chemo is done you can try again. They dont realize that this can happen again and I am at risk of losing my uterious etc. They just dont know and they think its no big deal.
If someone makes a stupid comment to me I just tell them i prefer not to talk about it. If I am really close with them and feel comfortable enough I usually telll them to imagine wanting something so bad. You waited your entire life for it and you finally get it, how do you feel? Great right. Now picture it being ripped from your arms. Arms that are meant to be protective and nuturing and there is nothing you can do. Now how do you feel. No matter what you do you will never get that pg back. You may get a new pg but that child you had will never be back. I had this conversation with plenty of people including my own mother. It shuts people up, quickly.
arghhhhhh people are just so silly sometimes. I completely agree with you. I wish you didnt have to go through this and the genetic testing. I am so proud of you for venting. We are all here venting with you and supporting you. Dont feel alone. I bet a large majority of women on this board have heard comments like this. You are so brave to go and find out what was wrong. it took a great deal of strength and I admire you for it. 
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| Posted 3/15/10 6:59 PM |
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MrsKS
Thank You St. Gerard.....
Member since 12/09 8306 total posts
Name:
Kerri
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Re: MC Vent....
Posted by Maggie22
awww... I totally know your fustration. I cant believe how people react. I sometimes catch myself making excuses for them. "They dont know any better" "they never went through this" "they dont know what to say". I stopped that a long time ago. Making excuses just made me feel worse. I get that stuff all the time. I am having a hard time getting over my 2nd mc and I am getting chemo done to help get rid of it. People tell me all the time it, once the chemo is done you can try again. They dont realize that this can happen again and I am at risk of losing my uterious etc. They just dont know and they think its no big deal.
If someone makes a stupid comment to me I just tell them i prefer not to talk about it. If I am really close with them and feel comfortable enough I usually telll them to imagine wanting something so bad. You waited your entire life for it and you finally get it, how do you feel? Great right. Now picture it being ripped from your arms. Arms that are meant to be protective and nuturing and there is nothing you can do. Now how do you feel. No matter what you do you will never get that pg back. You may get a new pg but that child you had will never be back. I had this conversation with plenty of people including my own mother. It shuts people up, quickly.
arghhhhhh people are just so silly sometimes. I completely agree with you. I wish you didnt have to go through this and the genetic testing. I am so proud of you for venting. We are all here venting with you and supporting you. Dont feel alone. I bet a large majority of women on this board have heard comments like this. You are so brave to go and find out what was wrong. it took a great deal of strength and I admire you for it.
OMG... you posted about it right? They first said it was a molar right? Is that you? If so... I've been thinking about you. I even, at times look for a follow up post to see how things are going for you. Please keep us posted!! I REALLY hope things work out for you. I can't even imagine.... I had a hard time with what I went through...but having 2 and then needing chemo is a whole other level. I'm sooooo sorry for what you are going through. And I MOST CERTAINLY will NOT say it's nature's course!!! Or anything of the sort.
Thank you though... but I don't feel brave. For me when he said that I had a few options. I had a missed miscarriage... so there was no bleeding and basically my body didn't know I miscarried. So I could do nothing and wait for it to happen naturally on it's own (this could take up to 2 months), I could go home and be induced to have a MC and MC at home, I could have a DNC in the office with pain killers, or I could have a DNC in a hospital and be put to sleep and have genetic testing done.
When i heard genetic testing I thought... SOLD!! i want that done! I NEED to know why. I need to know if anything is wrong and what to look out for. For me, it was harder to deal with the "what if" and having no reason. Though.. finding out can be scary in itself. I was in California Pizza Kitchen when I got the call from the doctor... and it was quite a shock! I cried right there!! While sitting in the booth and all. It was scary to hear the Trisomy 21 and down's syndrome and then to be told that we now need genetic testing. I now know that one or both or none of us being carriers only increases or decreases our chances of it happening. Dependent on the results, I'll know what to test for from the beginning. For me this is somewhat helpful... even in a sad circumstance. So I don't feel brave because it was my natural reaction... I just needed to know. I didn't think about the impact of knowing at the time... and i didn't think of what my reaction would be when I did find out. Actually... I was fairly certain that it was going to come back normal.
love your response... and I'm DEF going to steal it!! I have one friend in particular who I will most def be saying it to!! She is always on my back with that sh*t and I'm sick of the things she says!!! Then in the mist of it all... she tells me she's pregnant!!!!! I just had to get off the phone with her. I know she doesn't know any better... but then just don't say anything other than I'm sooo sorry this happened.
We should have a post on "the things to NOT say when a mc happens". We can all post the things said that we'd rather not have to listen to.
PLEASE keep us posted on your status!!!! I don't pray... but I will for you!! Your situation is just unfortunate and no one should ever have to go through it. No one should ever have to go through a lot of things we on this board have gone through.
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| Posted 3/15/10 7:28 PM |
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bride07
Ava Rose you are an angel!!!
Member since 3/09 6115 total posts
Name:
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Re: MC Vent....
We all have had these days and comments that are so upsetting. I vented about this recently too. I think people just do not know what to say & are insensitive!
It makes me so mad too! They have no idea how much pain one can experience through a miscarriage.
I have friends who say don't Dwell on it", or "atleast you can get pregnant".. It makes me so mad. It's like they are making excuses of why I SHOULDN"T BE UPSET. When all I would rather here is " YES, IT DOES SUCK!" & "I am SO SORRY".
Please feel free to vent!! We all have these days! These comments would upset me too.
This happens, sooo common" comment- Does not make it better for you!!! They should not compare your emotions - to the general public & common frequency of miscarriages.
The only thing I can say, Is most people do care and want to be there but just don't know what the right thing is to say! And sometimes it is just easier to tell them that what they said is Upsetting and tell them just to listen and Support you! I have had a few conversations with family/friends on what I need them to say & what I don;t want to hear.
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| Posted 3/15/10 8:32 PM |
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autumn
Mommy to 2 divas
Member since 9/07 3389 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: MC Vent....
Both my sisters' went through a m/c and now I just went through one this month. I get the same responses from co-workers who have children and from those who DON"T.
I told both my sisters' and I told myself that you take as much time as you need to heal. People need to realize you can't emotionally and physically get over a miscarriage in under a month.
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| Posted 3/15/10 8:38 PM |
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MrsKS
Thank You St. Gerard.....
Member since 12/09 8306 total posts
Name:
Kerri
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Re: MC Vent....
Posted by bride07
We all have had these days and comments that are so upsetting. I vented about this recently too. I think people just do not know what to say & are insensitive!
It makes me so mad too! They have no idea how much pain one can experience through a miscarriage.
I have friends who say don't Dwell on it", or "atleast you can get pregnant".. It makes me so mad. It's like they are making excuses of why I SHOULDN"T BE UPSET. When all I would rather here is " YES, IT DOES SUCK!" & "I am SO SORRY".
Please feel free to vent!! We all have these days! These comments would upset me too.
This happens, sooo common" comment- Does not make it better for you!!! They should not compare your emotions - to the general public & common frequency of miscarriages.
The only thing I can say, Is most people do care and want to be there but just don't know what the right thing is to say! And sometimes it is just easier to tell them that what they said is Upsetting and tell them just to listen and Support you! I have had a few conversations with family/friends on what I need them to say & what I don;t want to hear.
OH the SO COMMON one is another one I HATE HATE HATE!! I hate hearing it!!
The one that made me reach my breaking point was the one from the friend about the Down's Syndrome. she kept harping on the "it's for the best bc you would not want a baby like that" and then the ASKING me if I wanted a kid with down's syndrome and WAITING for an answer!!! that REALLY got me angry! I did say "well I can't answer that because there is a possibility that I might have one since we could be carriers". I hoped that would shut her up and she would get the point. But I don't think it worked because she said more stupid things after that.
I might have to bite the bullet and just say something like "though I know you are trying to be comforting and you care and all, these specific comments do not help me". I just feel bad at the thought of making someone else feel bad about it. I do know they are trying to help and be comforting. But some of the comments are so ridiculous.
I mean if someone got cancer would ANYONE ever say "well it's sooo common.. lot's of people get cancer and need chemo"??? NO because it sounds ridiculous and it's just as ridiculous when it's related to a MC.
Message edited 3/15/2010 8:45:05 PM.
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| Posted 3/15/10 8:44 PM |
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zoe282
We have our miracle!
Member since 8/08 3634 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: MC Vent....
I honestly feel that the response coming from someone who's been through it, and someone who hasnt' are totally different.
I am able to take advice from you girls and talk to anyone who's been through it so much easier! I just get angry when someone who hasn't comforts me..it sounds so empty and like they are "just saying"
It stinks! Tell these people it really doesn't help!
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| Posted 3/15/10 10:33 PM |
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hotsauce345
my love, my life, my son
Member since 1/09 4169 total posts
Name:
Melody
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Re: MC Vent....
yeah...I've heard em all...and it's not that I don't appreciate the attempt to comfort...it's just...it's all so generic and everybody says the same thing "this is gods way...", "this is nature's way...", "it wasn't meant to be" "sorry for your loss", "just be glad it wasn't 9 months", "you'll be pregnant again in 2 months".
It's especially hard for me because I am a practicing Catholic. and I just don't understand gods plan behind giving you "his blessing" and then taking it away. I'd hate to mock god...but is he an Indian Giver???? REALLY?
It's like handing a lollypop to a child and letting them lick it once or twice and then saying "O.K, I'm gonna need that back now"
I'm trying soooo hard to have faith and believe that there WAS a good reason behind this...but this is one lesson I don't think I'll ever understand why it needed to be taught THIS way. I mean...change the curriculum really...this is just awful!
I felt so much more comforted when somebody simply asked "how are you feeling? are you doing ok?" or "I've been through it and If you need to talk..." or "I've never been through it but if you need to talk..." or even just "I honestly don't even know what to say" because even I can understand that...even I have no words for what the hell just happened!
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| Posted 3/15/10 10:45 PM |
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keepingsecrets
ridiculously blessed!!
Member since 7/09 1912 total posts
Name:
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Re: MC Vent....
Posted by MrsKS
Sooo i found out through genetic testing that it was due to Trisomy 21... down's syndrome.
Aside from that... when people find out you had a miscarriage.. they auto start saying "it's god's way or nature's way" or "there was probably a problem and you are LUCKY it took care of itself" and "it WILL happen for you... I PROMISE" "I KNOW you will have a happy and healthy baby" or "It's SOOO COMMON.. this happens to SOOO MANY women... so you aren't alone" etc. I'm sure you have all heard this crap.... and usually it's from someone who NEVER went through an actual MC. Because if they did they probably wouldn't ever say anything like that.
I have one friend in particular who is a HUGE preacher on all the things I posted above. So when she asked about the genetic testing and I told her... she said "well you wouldn't want a baby like that anyway... so it's a blessing this happened". She actually then ASKED me a question based on her comment... "like would you really want a kid with downs syndrome?" and waited for an actual answer from me... like she expected me to say... no I don't want a sick baby and I'm happy I had a MC. I didn't say that AT ALL... it's not at all how i feel about it at all. Also, Both Dh and I have to go for genetic testing to see if one or both or non of us are carriers... so yes there is a possibility that not only can this happen again... but if we are both carriers... we could even end up with a health baby who has downs syndrome... so please do not try to get me to say that I wouldn't want a baby like that!!!!!
Is it me or is this type of talk RUDE?? I'm SOOO SICK of hearing it and everytime someone starts this type of "comforting" BS talk... i just want to kick them in the mouth!!! they have NO IDEA what they are even talking about and have NO IDEA what I am going through... and if you don't know then you should STFU!!!!!
Ahh I sooooo had to get that out!! Anyone else feel this way? Or experience these types of comments? do they bother you? or am I just being too sensitive???
oh gosh.....i SO understand how you feel. my situation was a little different b/c i had to terminate my pregnancy due to a very large, scary abnormality with the baby and i've heard so much CR*P when it comes to people trying to comfort me. the one that gets under my skin the most is "well, it's a blessing you found out something was wrong at 12 weeks instead of 20 weeks".....um.......NO, it's not really a blessing......having to end a pregnancy you SO SO SO wanted is NOT a blessing!! and i don't care what anybody says, women love their babies as much at 12 weeks as they do at 20!!!! and i HATE when people say "at least you know you can GET pregnant"....again....um.....no.....i actually don't know that! i know that i got pregnant last time but i don't know what's going on in my body and what may have changed THIS time. and even so, TTC SU*KS and now DH and i are back where we started. uggghhh!
i know people are just trying to help, but i so agree that instead of all these crazy things people say, it would be nice for somebody to just ask how i'm doing and lend their ear! my friends were great when we found out the devastating news about our baby but life goes on for them and i'm still grieving 6 months later!
i think you are really brave for doing the genetic testing...we did it too and i know it's so scary. i hope everything turns out ok when you and DH get tested to see if you are carriers.....whatever happens, please know you have the support of the women on this board 
ps......it feels SO good to vent!
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| Posted 3/15/10 11:18 PM |
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Siren77
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/09 828 total posts
Name:
Siren77
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Re: MC Vent....
I could have written the original post myself. In fact, I think all of us can relate. People don't know what to say but feel like they have to say something.
I absolutely love Maggie's response. I might have to use it when the moment is right.
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| Posted 3/16/10 7:12 AM |
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Maggie22
LIF Infant
Member since 10/09 111 total posts
Name:
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Re: MC Vent....
Hi There,
Yup its me the one with the molar or so they thought. I check in from time to time but I am so tired all the time. The chemo sucks. I am on two different kinds now. The good news is that my levels are dropping. Slowly but they are going down. I am hoping to be at zero in a month or two. I wont be able to try for a year or so because of the damage to the uterious plus the high risk not only in future pg but to my own health. I check the site on and off. Its hard for me to talk about pg or trying again when i cant do it myself. Its just hard.
In response to your post, you are brave!!! It is hard to go through a mc and to find out answers is harder. Finding out what was wrong with me was the hardest thing I had to overcome. Harder than the mc. I felt like something was wrong with me. I had the "i am broken" thinking for awhile. SO I DEFINTIELY THINK YOU ARE BRAVE. Getting genetic testing is hard and I cant even image what you and DH are going through. Its so scary and that is why you are so brave. No matter how scared you were you went and got the D&C. You had options but you picked the D&C. I find inspiration in you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs
Maria
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| Posted 3/16/10 6:37 PM |
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BabysMomma29
Due with Baby #2!
Member since 10/08 2004 total posts
Name:
Tricia aka MattandTricia07
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Re: MC Vent....
I completely understand what you're going through. And I think you are so right when you say that people who have been through it, most likely offer you comfort over those other things.
I think that is what makes this board so special.
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| Posted 3/16/10 8:24 PM |
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Exarina
My Two Girls
Member since 12/09 1249 total posts
Name:
Lisa Marie
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Re: MC Vent....
At one point in my pg i said to myself I can take care of a DS baby. Because we were not sure what it was and I say it again! The loss of any baby- sick or not is a Loss and thats what we are dealing with here...
You know one thing I have come to conclusion with is that you can't expect people to understand- they never will unless they go through it- and you don't want that.
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| Posted 3/17/10 8:32 AM |
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