Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

This is kinda long sorry, I guess I need to vent!
Ok... so my DH and I have been bickering alot lately and I just seem to be annoyed with him allll the time , which really isn't like us.... and suddenly I think I realized why... I stay at home with the kids, which I am very thankful for, however it seems that his life is only his business and my life is the house, the kids, and everything else. Don't get me wrong, my DH owns his own business which I understand takes up a lot of time, but I do the cooking, the house cleaning, the laundry, the planning (of any family vacations or activities, not to mention that if we go away I am the one that packs his clothes!!!), I take care of the kids (which is a full time job itself) and everything else in between. I honestly can't think of anything that he does with the house or family that isn't planned by me.
Just as an example, right now I am in the process of taking out the winter clothes and putting away the summer clothes, organizing the basement (only because I cannot put the summer clothes down there because my DHs tools and crap is everywhere), emptying the camper (clothes, food, toiletries etc for the winter), and the usual tasks like cooking dinner, feeding the kids, cleaning the house, working on Jordans schoolwork and things, and entertaining the kids. I get a little frustrated because I don't get time to spend with the kids, nor do I get time to myself, I am constantly doing things. Argh!
How is it with your family?
How do I talk to him about it without him getting defensive?
TIA

ETA - on the weekends he tries to help, but just holding the baby while watching me isn't help!
I know he doesn't do it on purpose but

Message edited 10/13/2005 11:28:34 AM.

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

This is such a tough issue.

It is very important though that you have time for yourself, so something has to change.

In our household, the answer was outsourcing. If hubby wasn't willing to help pick up on the slack, I hired someone to do so. So, I have a cleaning service come in once a month to do the heavy scrubbing. We pay a babysitter to come over for 2 hours, 2 days a week, so that I can do whatever I want for that time.

This has worked out well for us. Hubby works really long hours, comes home in time for bed, so splitting the housework with him just isn't realistic. If he had a less demanding job, I would certainly expect more from him.

On the weekends, he takes care of the baby for a few hours so that I am free to do whatever.

Remember, he loves you and wants you to be happy. He just has boy brain and might not notice what is going on. Sometimes you have to spell it out. To avoid getting defensive, don't talk about what he hasn't done, it wouldn't be constructive. Focus the conversation on what you think he could do. Good luck!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

We don't share reponsibilities at all!!! We fight all the time about htis too!! I do everything around here, including taking care if the kids, food shopping, paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school activites/projects, etc. I don't think it is every equal, I wish it was!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Hey, I have an idea. Me and you Gurneys for the weekend and leave the hubbies with the kids Its the same way here as it is for you. DH works and I do everything else. I hate it!!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

I keep telling him that I am going to leave the kids with him for a whole day and he is going to have to get them up, get them dressed, feed them, bath them, do laundry, shopping, cleaning and all the stuff I have to do in one day....I am afraid that the children will be missing and the house will be a disaster! but I know he still just won't get it! I just wish he would TRY to do something, or do something with the kids because he wants to, not because I ask him too! It's just causing a lot of resentment and I don't know how to stop that

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Posted by KPtoys

Hey, I have an idea. Me and you Gurneys for the weekend and leave the hubbies with the kids Its the same way here as it is for you. DH works and I do everything else. I hate it!!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

DH has a demanding job as well, he usually never comes home before 9. However, we have a rule that on Fridays he leaves work at 6pm no matter what, unless a partner asks him for a favor. Fri - Sun, DH does the evening routine with Alex, feeds him, bathes him and gets him ready for bed. Usually during the day he will feed him as well because he wants to. This is a huge help as I get to do whatever I want during those times. As far as housework, I do it all. I was even mowing the lawn all summer. It is hard to do it all week long, sometimes I feel like I ignore Alex in order to do all the housework. I think it is impossible not to feel this way. I honestly don't know how women work. I don't think I could handle going to work and taking care of the house, bill paying, laundry, shopping etc and working full time.

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Posted by JennChris

Posted by KPtoys

Hey, I have an idea. Me and you Gurneys for the weekend and leave the hubbies with the kids Its the same way here as it is for you. DH works and I do everything else. I hate it!!

Are you married to my husband?!!! Same thing happns!! I jump in the shower and I literally just get the shampoo in my hair and my hubby calls in "are you almost done!?", What the f*ck!!!!!

KPTOYS, I'm with you girlfriend!! Gurneys would be great, but I'm afraid I'd send for my kids to come jopin me and never return home!!

Message edited 10/13/2005 12:04:50 PM.

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

I think we are all in the same situation here!!!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Posted by aliasPook



I think we are all in the same situation here!!!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

How do you not let it bother you and cause fights though?

I knew that staying at home was going to be a lot of work and I was OK with that, but we decided TOGETHER to have a family and now I'M the one doing it all.

Message edited 10/13/2005 12:50:56 PM.

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

We fight over it, and believe me, it does bother me, but I try and get out a few hours on the weekends ALONE and he is really good about it. I love him and he was this way before I married him. I knew what I was getting in to...I know that doesn't help, but try and get away for a few hours. Dirty dishes will be there when you get back! You need you time and believe me, you wll feel better when you get back.

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Posted by SoinLove

Posted by aliasPook



I think we are all in the same situation here!!!

I think so too. DH surprised me the other day though by doing a load of dishes, putting them away, and doing a load of laundry. I was shocked

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

I have to say my husband does help with the cleaning and a lot with the baby when he is home. Doesn't get up at night, but I'll get over that. Anyway, I work full time. 3 days from home which I am very fortunate for. These days are not easy! Doing my job on top of taking care of my 6 month old is extremely stressful. My husband has the nerve to say to me, "on one of your days off this week can you do.......?" MY DAY OFF!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? It makes me so mad! They just don't get it!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

I don't even have kids and get this...my husband has NEVER, EVER done a load of laundry in this house-we have lived here for 2 1/2 years!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

I'm fortunate that my husband gets up every morning with our son. I have pretty much told him that if im going to take care of him all day long and feed him, bath him, read to him, put him to bed and the whole nine yards, then at least he could get up in the morning with him. I think he actually looks forward to it though. He doesn't get the chance to see him more than an hour at night because he gets home so late from work. All the complaining I do, he's actually quite helpful!!

Message edited 10/13/2005 11:23:58 PM.

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

I'm in the same situation except that I do work FT. I have to do EVERYTHING around here. I have always been the one and still am the one to get up in the middle of the night with my son. I'm the one who gets him ready for bed, ready for daycare in the morning while my DH is still sleeping, pick him up from daycare, pay the bills, try to clean, do laundry, mow the lawn, clean up after my son, vacuum, let the dogs in let the dogs out over and over again, feed them, take the garbage out, etc, etc, etc, etc. It never all gets done. It feels like by the time I finish cleaning something, I have to do it all over again. Just the everyday cleaning takes up most of my time, that I NEVER have time to do other chores so it doesn't get done like he wants it! And he wonders why I'm never in the mood for SEX!!!

I understand that my DH works 2 jobs, but come on already!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

My husband is a stay at home Dad...but I have to say that, while he does a GREAT job with Nick, he is lacking in the housework/cleaning department. I end up doing most of it at night and on weekends - it is crazy. Sometimes I think men are just not cut out for that stuff....but that is just not fair in this day and age!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Well, I guess I have to give DH some props here. Not only does he get up with Cassidy if she wakes up at night, but he probably does as much of the laundry as I do, he'll do dishes here and there, takes Cassidy to "Mommy and Me" ( ) and works pretty long hours.

I only work p/t, but I still feel like I don't have "me" time, which I feel is very important. Fortunately when I tell DH I need some time, he is fine with staying with the kiddies while I go out. Tonight I'm going to dinner and the movies with my mom and sister

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

sorry to intrude, but I think it's more of a marriage issue than a family issue!!! This is what got me SO upset last weekend and honestly, it's the ONLY thing we truly fight about. Our baby isn't even here yet, and we have this issue....

AND I WORK 35 HRS A WEEK!!!! DH tries to help as much as he can and I do appreciate it, but there are times when I just don't like the way he does something, ya know? I'll prepare dinner, he'll grill it. He helps clear the table and sometimes will load the dishwasher. Other times, if I'm too tired, I'll leave the dishes for the next day. I'm lucky enough that if something doesn't get done, he doesn't complain if the table is piled with mail! I'm the one that freaks out.

ARe the husbands unwilling to TRY to help out a little? I think we all need to approach them and say, Hey....I need to escape for a bit. What about going for a drink with other moms after the kids are in bed (I know , it's late, but hey....you're OUT!) I agree with Calla with the outsourcing....bring in someone to help, even if you stay home and nap or something. I know I have a huge issue with even asking for help, but I know I'm gonna need it!!


I hope we all find the perfect solution to the strain on our marriages.

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

I have to say right now my DH has kind of stepped up to the plate except that he has to ask "Is there anything you need me to do?" It drives me mad that he can't see what needs to be done.
Luckily we have a cleaning lady come every 2 weeks so for about a day or so my house looks good.
I married a pack rat and clutter freak and I knew that going into this but I just hate picking up after him or nagging him to get his stuff off different places of the house.
I think overall its a man issue in that what's important to women is not important to them. Like if the kid doesn't get a bath big deal or so what if the dishes are in the sink for a week. I just hate fighting about it so I just try not to.

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Ok ladies I have a plan, if you have baby boys lets try to raise them differently!! Lets get them prepared to be outstanding husbands, it all reverts back to what was expected of them when they lived at home and how their parents prepared them for responsibility. If we start now, we will be saving our daughter in laws lots of headaches!!! I will make sure my son is able to clean, do dishes, laundry, wash a tub and floor, pay bills, and go to the store to buy tampons if necessary!!!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??

Posted by emilain

Ok ladies I have a plan, if you have baby boys lets try to raise them differently!! Lets get them prepared to be outstanding husbands, it all reverts back to what was expected of them when they lived at home and how their parents prepared them for responsibility. If we start now, we will be saving our daughter in laws lots of headaches!!! I will make sure my son is able to clean, do dishes, laundry, wash a tub and floor, pay bills, and go to the store to buy tampons if necessary!!!

Re: Moms...How do you share responsibilities with Dad??