Most awkward conversation ever

So we decided to have a talk with the nanny to get all the terms out in the open. DH and I had a battle last night over what was fair. We disagree on this. So I told him that he should handle it. I am done with the negotiating.

So this morning he sits down to talk to her. I missed the beginning of the conversation. He caved (in to me) and offerred her all the national holidays off. I compromised with him on the vacation and we offer 1 week paid, 1 week unpaid. We already pay for her metrocard and pay her above standard salary.

She said she wanted 2 weeks paid and thought that was standard. It was her understanding based on a coversation with my sister. (she told my sister that is what she is getting before she left her old job- but my sister didn't offer it to her). She tells us she wanted to take 2 consecutive weeks around Christmas to go home. I told her that I don't get 2 consecutive weeks off at my job. But 1 week off that time would be fine. I also told her that we would be going away in Feb/March for our vacation.

Then there was silence. For about 3 minutes. It was so awkward.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!! I hate the business end of this relationship. Its so tricky. And DH doesn't realize why this is so emotional for me and why I am "scared" to deal with these kinds of things.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

I'm the SAME exact way - I think it's because women tend to get more emotional about these things, and men, well, we all know men - emotions go out the door once negotiations set in So, how did it end? Was she satisfied? I think you're being MORE than fair...

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

She didn't seem satified at all. DH broke the silence with "Do you have any questions." She said she had no questions. Then he said he wants her to be happy. Which she didn't really respond. Then she started talking to Jordana and the subject was kidna dropped.

Message edited 1/5/2007 9:47:48 AM.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

Message edited 1/5/2007 9:53:43 AM.

xxxxxxx

Message edited 2/9/2007 9:13:49 PM.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

I admit I'm a weenie when it comes to stuff like this...

I would cave on the 2 weeks together at Christmas, but would still give one paid, one unpaid, pointing out that her salary is above average. That way we'd both feel like we met in the middle.

I'd have DH take one week as vacation and I'd take the other one, or see if my mom or his mom would be willing to come at watch her for a week.

But like I said, I'm a total weenie and hate confrentation and bad feelings.

It's a crappy situation.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

I know that can be awkward. Did you put everything in writing so she cant say but you said.....

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Re: Most awkward conversation ever

Do you live in Manhattan? I hear the nanny market is very competitive there. I used to work at a law firm in NYC and my colleagues would always tell of how competitive it was to keep a nanny .... some who are flat out greedy and will jump ship at the drop of a hat to get a better deal.

I give my nanny 2 weeks paid vacation (I think that is standard) but we work it that we have to agree far in advance as to when she is taking a vacation. We also pay her for major holidays. We don't provide sick days, though.

Message edited 1/14/2008 11:12:57 PM.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

I think you guys did well. I think she's being a teeny bit greedy. I don't know much about the nanny market in the city myself, but I would check around about the 2 week off paid vacation "standard".

However isn't she working for both you and your sister? If so, could you and your sister work it so one of you pays for 1 week vacation and the other pays for the 2nd week? That way you're paying for just one week yet she still gets 2 weeks paid.

She really should be lucky to have the job, since you were very up in the air to begin with, and personally I would not be happy with her attitude at all, your DH sounds very patient, mine would not put up with her acting that way.

I also think you should put all this in writing...so you don't get burned in the end.

I hope it all works out!!

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

I also think she is being greedy. I think 2 weeks right off the bat is unrealistic. I would offer 1 week the first year and then after the 1st year she gets 2 weeks paid but it can not be consecutive. It seems like she keeps asking for things or questions things that might have been spoken about prior to hiring her and I think she is putting you guys in an ackward situation. For all the days she is getting paid which seems it is basically salary then I guess you have to pay her when you decide to take vacation which doesnt seem fair to you but I think should make an issue of it.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

I have had a nanny since DS (now 5 and a half) was 3 months old, and it is ALWAYS awkward to talk about money and time off. We pay our nanny (who has been with us since DS was 14 months) a VERY generous salary. (It is particularly high because she's been with us for almost 5 years and she gets a substantial raise each year, and now we have two children.) She gets two weeks paid vacation in August each year, because I'm a teacher and off in the summer and DH takes those two weeks off. She does not get paid sick days. However, if we have a family member who can watch the kids when she can't come in (which almost never happens), then we pay her anyway. Her hours are 7-5, and we do NOT pay her overtime if she has to stay until 5:30 or 6. If I am on vacation and I decide to tell her not to come in, we pay her the regular salary. She has her own car, so we give her $20 a week for gas. Before she had her car, she got a MetroCard from us. The most awkward times for discussions with her tend to be when there are changes at home. For example, when we only had DS, and he was in nursery school for 3 hours a day, we had to let her know that she would have added responsibilites. Also, since she drives, we had to clarify what errands she should/should not do during the day with the kids, or when the kids are at school. Our nanny is THE BEST, and is almost part of our family, but in some ways that makes these conversations even harder. Good luck! Make sure that you are clear, and as situations arise, talk to the nanny about this time and future instances that are similar. (Sorry so long!)

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

Thanks guys.

I think we are being fair. We pay her a lot of $$. She also wants overtime after 6. She is looking for a hybrid of salary/hourly. She can be greedy, but from what I understand- pretty much everyone with a nanny in NYC feels taken advantage of at some time.

We do live in Manhattan and the nanny industry is very competitive. I have just adopted the attitude that if she leaves us, she leaves us. The job is very easy and I am not so demanding. Jordana is a great baby and she only has my neice 10 hours a week. I just have to keep reminding myself that she is just as lucky to have us as we are to have her.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

Sounds like it ended very awkwardly. Sorry. I have to say I was very taken back at how competitive the nanny industry is and what they demand even when they have no special training. So much so that we went a whole different direction and took a babysitter instead whose a young college student. So I'm not much help. I'd keep your other nanny possibility from the daycare center around in case this one falls apart.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

Well we just solved one problem. I have the best sister and BIL ever. So the week we go to Israel, my sister and BIL will take her full time and pay her for it. This was my BIL's idea.

So basically I have given her everything she wants, except 1 week paid vacation, which we will probably give her next year.

If she leaves, she leaves. I have 2 good daycare options (including one pretty inexpensive one where my old friend frmo college sends his son), a potential nanny I already know, and a city full of nannies. So whatever happens, we will be OK.

But everything was nice and friendly when I saw her this afternoon. I make sure to be very appreciative when I see her and call her. I think it will be OK.

My sister keeps remininding me that she is just as lucky to have us as we are to have her. We treat her well, are considerate of her feelings, and she has an adorbale, easy baby to take care of who has been sleeping on average 3 hours of the 8 hours she is here.

Message edited 1/5/2007 7:19:06 PM.

Re: Most awkward conversation ever

That's great that it's working out. Now you can enjoy your weekend!