My father comes home today

And while I'm thrilled he's finally getting out of that god-forsaken rehab center, and will be home under my watchful eye, I'm also finding that I'm getting really depressed and angry.

On some level, I'm just angry that this is all of my responsibility now. I am now his caregiver - I have to arrange everything for him, from transportation, to prescriptions, to his aid, to his meals, his laundry, everything. And while I hold absolutely no resentment against him for having to take on this role, I can't shake this deep deep resentment and anger that's building inside of me against the rest of my family for so easiliy wiping their hands clean, and living their happy little responsibility-free lives, while mine is completely shaken and forever changed.

I don't have a minute to breathe these days, between taking care of Alex, and arranging everything for my father, taking extended lunch breaks to go care for him, or make arrangements for him, and yet, my mother doesn't have to take a single moment of her carefree life to think about these things, nor does my brother. Today I have to take unpaid leave from my job to go meet my father and the aid at the house and walk the aid through everything, because I have no time left because I've used it all to visit my dad in the hospital. My whole life is completely different now, and will never be as easy, and yet, for everyone else, nothing has changed.

And, at the same time, I'm starting to get so resentful against my mother for BABYING my father all those years - he can't do a damn thing for himself - he doesn't know how to do laundry, he can't make a simply sandwich, he can't even make his own doctor appointments! On some level, I feel like telling him, grow up already, you can handle this stuff, but on another, I feel bad for him and everything he's gone through in the last year, and the fact is, he's 72, he isn't going to change at this stage in life, and it's unrealistic for me to expect that.

So, that's where I'm at today. Happy, but sad, and really, really angry. It's just not fair, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it today

Thanks for letting me vent...

Re: My father comes home today

First, that your dad is coming home.

Second, you should talk to your family and produce a list of "chores". Of course you will unfortunately receive bulk of the responsibility since he will be under your roof.

But I would set up a schedule so that everyone can chip in. It shouldn't all fall on your lap, that just isn't fair.

Re: My father comes home today

Being the sole caregiver is not easy and even more frustrating when there is other family unwilling to help out!!!

Re: My father comes home today

Posted by sunflowerjesss

First, that your dad is coming home.

Second, you should talk to your family and produce a list of "chores". Of course you will unfortunately receive bulk of the responsibility since he will be under your roof.

But I would set up a schedule so that everyone can chip in. It shouldn't all fall on your lap, that just isn't fair.

Re: My father comes home today

My family isn't going to help, no matter what I do, or ask, though I do have another brother here in Philly who is helping, to a degree, it's no major interruption of his life like it is to mine.

The fact is they will always disappoint and anger me. They aren't going to change, so I'm going to have to find a way to get rid of this anger because I don't want to be so unhappy and so angry all the time. It's a struggle, and I'm having a hard time pulling myself out of this. I'd say, maybe I should see a therapist to talk it through, but the simple fact of the matter is I don't have the time As it is I feel like, no, I KNOW, I'm not spending enough time with my daughter because the last 2 months have been dedicated to tending to my father.

Re: My father comes home today

My mom had similar feelings when her mom came to live with her. Her siblings helped where they could, but they both live in Brooklyn so there wasn't much they could do during the week. I hope you find a great aide who can take a great deal of the burden off you.

And find someone to vent to, even if it's here. It's important to let off steam but you don't want to vent at your dad and make him feel guilty, and you don't want to burden your DH with worrying about you more than I'm sure he is already.

It will get better, I promise. It just seems very bleak right now.

Re: My father comes home today

First off dad is coming home!

As for the rest of it, your feelings are so normal and valid. Its so unfair that you have the sole responsibility of caring for your father. It is wrong of the rest of your family to just bail when they did.


I would ask your one brother who is kinda helpful to pitch in a little more. Ask him to make the doctor appointments, or drive him or do something. Even if its one less thing for you to handle every week- it will help.

I would also see what you can do about making your life easier. Can you hire a housekeeper once a week or once every other week to help with the laundry, cooking and cleaning?

I saw my mom go through this. Her sister lives in Paris. When my grandmother got sick, my mom and grandfather had to take care of her. She was sick for years. Then after my father (an only child) passed away, his father got sick. My mother was the only one taking care of him. And then after he passed away, my maternal grandfather got sick, and again, only my mom took care of him. My aunt wanted to be there for my grandfather's last days and would fly in from Paris every weekend- so that meant that on top of everything else, my mom had to pick up and drive my aunt to the airport every weekend.

As for what to do about the anger- I think the only thing is to let it go. If you honestly believe that talking to them will not change their behavior, you just have to accept it. Accept that this is your family. Once you accept it, you will stop being disapppointed. It will be a new sense of freedomd.

You can encourage your father to do something small (making his own doctor appointments). But you're right, at 72 he isn't going to be changing very much.

As for Alex, you are doing the most important thing for her. You are giving her a live in grandpa and showing her the importance of family.

Re: My father comes home today

Beth

you have FM

Re: My father comes home today

Posted by Shelly
As for Alex, you are doing the most important thing for her. You are giving her a live in grandpa and showing her the importance of family.

Re: My father comes home today

You are doing an awesome job. Sorry your family doesn't feel the need to help out more

Message edited 5/22/2007 9:48:58 AM.

Re: My father comes home today

Well if some family members won't help out, I say send them a bill. Your father should be everyone's responsibility and the people that don't live close enough should try to help in anyway possible.

Bill them for all the effort you are putting in and the money they send back may allow you extra cash to pay for a housekeeper, someone to do the laundry, or an extra aide to help your dad out during the day, or maybe even a car service to get your dad to and from dr. appointments.

I know it's not easy. And at this point you probably feel like you have no one to talk to about the built up frustration. You also probably are starting to feel guilty for being mad in the first place. All of that is to be expected and understood.

Take a deep breath and a big step back to look at the big picture.

Your daughter is upset now, but I doubt it's because of the lack of time you are spending with her. It's probably just because she doesn't want you to leave period..she's at the age of being all about Mommy Mommy Mommy. She would probably cry for you without the situation of your dad and you are probably just feeling guilty and associating/connecting the two. Which again, is completely normal and understandable.

Let us know if you need any help with anything, we'll pitch in even if family members dont!

Re: My father comes home today

Message edited 5/22/2007 9:58:54 AM.

Re: My father comes home today

I am so sorry that your brother and mother are leaving you with the sole responsibility of this....remember if they need anything you can think about how helpful they were to you.

Maybe you could talk to your dad, and if he is able to, have him start to help himself as much as possible. Start by having him make a sandwich for himself, maybe make his bed if he can. Sometimes it helps in the recovery process the more your abe to do for yourself

Re: My father comes home today

Posted by sunflowerjesss

First, that your dad is coming home.

Second, you should talk to your family and produce a list of "chores". Of course you will unfortunately receive bulk of the responsibility since he will be under your roof.

But I would set up a schedule so that everyone can chip in. It shouldn't all fall on your lap, that just isn't fair.

Re: My father comes home today

Re: My father comes home today

Beth, I think you are wonderful. I can sympathize because I will be in the same spot as you eventually. I am directing the orchestra for my brother in every regard and I know I will be going forward.

I am resentful, hurt and have the why me attitude. I don't hate my brother for this, but I hate the circumstances.

Are you talking to someone about this? I am, it helps and I think it would help you get through these tough times.

Will your dad always need this kind of care from you? Will he eventually be able to be independent?

Re: My father comes home today