My sis is not yet a SP, but I feel like she is getting in a bad pattern...(long, need advice)

I just got off the phone with my sister, and she is very upset. My sister is engaged to a guy who has 2 young children from a previous marriage. They live 40 minutes from them, and my sister has recently had to be the one to pick the kids up and take them to visit their dad, as he cannot drive at the moment and is on disability (he was hurt very badly in an accident and almost did not make it). Their mother drives but "refuses," saying that if FBIL wants to see his kids, it is his job to pick them up. The courts do not support this, and they have stated that it is not the sole responsibility of the father to coordinate visits.

As if this were not enough of a problem for my sister, she alone has to buy all their food for them when they come to stay, and has to cook for them as well since her FH cannot. She is the only one working, and his case is still in the courts, so essentially she is the only steady source of significant income. She works about 50 hours a week, and is just exhausted from this whole thing. She does not mind doing things for the kids, but with the current situation, she is getting pretty aggravated that their mother is trying to push all the burden on her.

Being that she is not married to her FH yet, and there is a TON of bad blood from his previous divorce, she is at her wit's end. She also does not want her FSC to think that it is *their fault.* My sister is coming back to NY in the coming weeks to visit (she did not come for any of the holidays b/c they stayed there to be with the kids), and her FH XW told him that he *has* to take the kids. We have no room for them and the kids, nor does anyone else who lives up here. They cannot afford a hotel for 5 days either. She is also going to be visiting my ill grandmother while here, and really will not be around to watch the FSCs. They told FH XW that they cannot take the kids to NY, and she is now demanding that they pay for a sitter so she can go to AC with her sister. I just feel like no one else is allowed to have a life with this woman, and she is allowing her ill feelings toward my sis & her FH to affect their relationship with the kids. I have no idea what kind of advice to give her, and any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks if you made it this far, and TIA for any advice.

Re: My sis is not yet a SP, but I feel like she is getting in a bad pattern...(long, need advice)

Unfortunately, a lot of it rides on what was stated in the divorce/custody decree.....

For example: My DH's custody agreement states that it is the fathers responsibility to pick up and drop off at the childs residence and if he cannot do so, it is his responsibility to make arrangements to do so...If DH cannot exercise his visitation, he is obligated to make arrangements for the childs care or reimburse the BM for child care fee's etc...It definatley should not be all falling on your sister though and if it is, she really needs to have a sit down with her FH , IMO ....

It is always unfortunate when there is bad blood ( if you read some of the previous posts on this board, you'll see its fairly common ) and entering into a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship takes thick skin and a big heart...Hopefully they find common ground

Message edited 12/31/2008 11:39:42 AM.

Re: My sis is not yet a SP, but I feel like she is getting in a bad pattern...(long, need advice)

I agree with Bops. Your sis is doing her best to try to make everyone happy - we all know how that usually works. This situation should be addressed ASAP, or BIOMOM will feel like she has the upper hand and will continue to do this forever - TRUST ME. SHe and her FH need to lay down some ground rules with BM right now. Best of luck to her

Re: My sis is not yet a SP, but I feel like she is getting in a bad pattern...(long, need advice)

Thanks for the responses. When she was calmer she called me again (also since we are making plans for when she is here).

According to sis, he is not obligated by the courts to coordinate their visitation, and he has just been doing it b/c the kids live near his mom and he would visit her at the same time (she does not drive). Since he cannot drive, it has now fallen on sis. The kids' mom has gotten too used to not having the expense of time/$$ to transport the kids, and apparently threatened to try & bring STBBIL back to court to get it permanently.

In addition, the kids' mom had NO plans to do anything but work the week that they are coming here, but she is so angry that they are not going to be around to watch the kids, that she had her sister book an A/C trip (she gets comped A LOT) for 2d3n while they are in NY. Now she is trying to say that they are intentionally ruining her plans and that she is going to lose money if she cancels. Funny thing is no one thinks she is paying for it, so I am pretty sure that it is a ploy to try & ruin their NY trip. She also did this last time they came up together for DS Baptismal, and they were then forced to bring the kids and stay for 2 days instead of 5 (since we had to foot the bill for the hotel).

I agree that it has to be nipped in the bud, and that sis is already trying *too hard* to please everyone. I wish her FH would grow a spine though. For some reason he is terrified of being called back into court with his XW, and to me that is a red flag that maybe my sis does not know the whole story with the divorce..... either way it is not her responsibility, and I think she is starting to see that there has to be a discussion about this and soon. She plans to come up again for when DS is born, the baptismal, etc.... It's just making things so tough on her

Thanks again for the advice.