My sister just lost her baby - very long

She should have been almost 16 weeks. The baby stopped growing at 13 weeks. My family is devastated. I am numb. Both of my losses were very early and it gutted me, so I cannot even imagine the pain she is feeling. She is beating herself up and blaming herself. Convinced she did something by continuing to go to the gym. She's filled with so much guilt bc she got pregnant so easily on the first try, and she was complaining about gaining weight, not being able to work the summer, etc etc. I had just gotten into a little tiff with her the other day bc I was getting annoyed with how blasé she was about pregnancy. I feel awful. She had called me earlier to apologize and later that evening she finds out her baby is gone.

I don't know how to help her. Everyone already knew about her pregnancy. She even knew the sex already. A little boy. The first on my side of the family. Everyone was thrilled. The shower was booked. I was going to help her start to register after this appointment. She has frames and sono pics up in her house. My DD bought the baby a set of loveys for Christmas that match hers. She has a video of them telling her inlaws the big news. Her Christmas card was a pregnancy announcement. How does she erase all of that?

I am so filled with my own guilt. I envied her, how naïve she was. I remember when I thought I was immune to these sorts of tragedies. Then I had a chemical. 3 months later, a miscarriage at 6.5 weeks. I knew pregnancy would never be the same for me ever again. I felt bitter towards those who were able to get a positive pregnancy test and just assume that meant there would be a baby. But not my sister. I never felt that way about her. I can honestly say that. I never envied her the pregnancy. The minute I found out she was pregnant, the first thought I had was "Please God - don't do it to her. Do it to me again if you have to but not her". She has had a history of mental health issues among other health problems. I'm very worried that she won't be able to handle this. I myself had such a hard time and I'm stronger. Plus I had my DD to focus on. I would trade my own chances of conceiving again if it would mean she could have her baby back. I have a beautiful healthy daughter. I've been trying so hard to have another, but if I don't at least I have her. My sister doesn't have any. And now she has been robbed the joy of pregnancy. She knows now how badly she wanted this baby and how much she already loved him. She keeps on saying that she wants him back.

Her husband is not dealing. He isn't saying very much and she is afraid of him breaking down. I told her she needs to let him. It's hard for him too. He's such a straight arrow though and he doesn't show much emotion. I feel awful for him. He has wanted a baby for so long. She was the one who was making him wait. Now she is blaming herself for that too. He was so happy. Last night we were all together at my house and he just sat there playing with my DD. It broke my heart.

She is going to be scheduled for a D&E. Is anyone familiar with that? The doctor said that given how far along she was, that procedure is necessary. I am praying they find something wrong with the baby. It's the only way she will have any closure and be able to believe she didn't cause this.

Are there any support groups other than online forums I can offer to her? I have never been one for therapy but I will take her if she needs it. Right now she says she doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, but I think once she starts to heal, it might help.

Thank you for listening.

My sister just lost her baby - very long

I got so sad reading this. I'm so, so sorry to your sister and your whole family. Losing a child is absolutely one of the worst things to ever happen in life. I have no info about D&E or support groups (other than online). But, maybe when she's ready, encourage her to come on here. This site helped me immensely when I had my miscarriage.
Again, I'm so sorry.

Message edited 1/29/2014 10:15:38 AM.

Re: My sister just lost her baby - very long

This is unbelievably heartbreaking. I am so so sorry for her loss. I dont know how you begin to get through this but she is lucky to have you as a source of support

My sister just lost her baby - very long

I have to agree with Stacey, encourage her to look for support - this website was incredible for me. I also talked to anyone and everyone about it and made some very nice connections - people I emailed daily when things were really bad... I can't imagine losing a baby so late in the scheme of things, but search on these boards - it's not uncommon, unfortunately. Big hugs sent to you and your family!

My sister just lost her baby - very long

That broke my hear reading that. I know you said she doesn't want to talk and I dont blame her. She needs time to process. There are definitively online forums (babycenter, etc.) where she can just lurk and see she is not alone and it was not her fault. Maybe when the time is right both her and her dh can sit with a professional. I'm sure that would help both of them as individuals and as a couple.

Edit. Have had two friends lose babies at over 20 weeks. Both went on to have healthy children.

Message edited 1/29/2014 10:24:39 AM.

Re: My sister just lost her baby - very long

I'm so sorry for your sister

Her experience sounds very much like mine. We went in at 16 weeks and found out we were having a boy. The sono tech who was in with us for about an hour said everything looked great- I even texted a pic of his goods to my friends telling them the baby was a boy! My husband was thrilled. Then the doctor came in. We found out our son had very serious complications and he did not make it beyond 17wk3d. I ended up with a d&e as well. It was absolutely heartbreaking and to this day, even as I sit here typing this while holding my son, I still think about what that whole experience was like for me and my family. I so clearly remember waking up each morning and for a moment, I'd forget what was going on and then I'd remember. It was like each morning I was finding out the news all over again.

Feel free to FM me if you would like my contact info to pass along to your sister. My d&e was 3 1/2 years ago but I remember every detail like it was yesterday. I can also try and find info for support groups I inquired about too.

Re: My sister just lost her baby - very long

Posted by PennyCat

I'm so sorry for your sister

Her experience sounds very much like mine. We went in at 16 weeks and found out we were having a boy. The sono tech who was in with us for about an hour said everything looked great- I even texted a pic of his goods to my friends telling them the baby was a boy! My husband was thrilled. Then the doctor came in. We found out our son had very serious complications and he did not make it beyond 17wk3d. I ended up with a d&e as well. It was absolutely heartbreaking and to this day, even as I sit here typing this while holding my son, I still think about what that whole experience was like for me and my family. I so clearly remember waking up each morning and for a moment, I'd forget what was going on and then I'd remember. It was like each morning I was finding out the news all over again.

Feel free to FM me if you would like my contact info to pass along to your sister. My d&e was 3 1/2 years ago but I remember every detail like it was yesterday. I can also try and find info for support groups I inquired about too.

Re: My sister just lost her baby - very long

Thank you all for the encouragement. Tomorrow will be the completion of her D&E and then the healing process will begin. Your support really has been a huge comfort to me throughout all of my time on this forum and I am hoping that when she is ready she can find the same thing. For those who are interested - this is the update I posted on the IF board (I figured it was easier than a link or retyping):

Thank you all for the kind words and support. My sister began the process this morning. Tomorrow it will all be over. I am still very much grieving this loss of hers. More so than I did my own. It really has put a lot into perspective for me about how lucky I am to have been able to enjoy at least one healthy pregnancy that resulted in a beautiful daughter. I know pregnancy will never be the same for myself or my sister ever again but I can accept that. I just hope she can as well.
DH does not think we should cancel this cycle. He thinks it best we do what we need to do. This is my 4th IUI cycle and we had our consult yesterday with Dr. Brenner about the possibility of doing IVF. Ultimately, we have decided that if this cycle fails, we are going to take a break from IF treatments. He is not comfortable with IVF and to be honest, I 'm glad he made the decision for me easier, bc I was not sure if I was ready for that either. I think because I have a baby from a successful IUI, and I did get pregnant 2x on my own, it's a little harder for me to absorb. We agreed we will still try naturally but instead try to focus on enjoying each other and our daughter the way we did almost one year ago before we made the decision to try for another. If it happens, great. If not, we will decide when the time is right if we would like to proceed further.
Right now, the only thing I can take away from my sisters loss is that although I know I would love to experience another baby and give Ella a sibling, if for some reason that is not a possibility for me, my life will still be complete. Here's hoping that this cycle brings me whatever is meant to be. Thank you all again.

Message edited 1/30/2014 3:07:52 PM.

My sister just lost her baby - very long

I am so sad reading this. Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts to your sister, BIL, you and the rest of the family.

My sister just lost her baby - very long

Im so sorry for your families loss this was so heartbreaking to read - I feel for her so......She is very lucky to have a sister as kind and supportive as you are and she will come through this in time. Prayers for you all

My sister just lost her baby - very long

I'm so sorry for you and you sister and your family. My prayers are with you :'(

Re: My sister just lost her baby - very long

Sorry to hear

Re: My sister just lost her baby - very long

I am so sorry to hear this. Many hugs and prayers to you and your sister