Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

DH joined the Military Reserves before I got my BFP. He is scheduled to leave for 5 months of training in mid-October and return at the end of March (with a 2 week break in January).

I am due 2/28/08

The dilemma I am faced with is as follows:

Option 1) He leaves as scheduled, misses most of my pregnancy, the birth of our DC and the first month - 6 weeks of DC at home

- OR -

Option 2) He leaves AFTER I give birth, sometime mid-March, and misses the first 5-6 months of DC's life. This option will present us with some daycare issues, but they can be handled. My Mom is retired and will help, but it will mean more days per week in daycare for DC while DH is away.

He asked me what I want him to do, and I honestly don't know. I am leaning towards Option 1. I know he will be really upset to miss the birth though, but honestly, I think I would rather have him there when DC is home the first 5-6 months.

Which would you do and why?

Message edited 8/12/2008 1:10:39 PM.

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

This is a hard question but for me I would choose that he misses the birth. If you have someone in your life who you are close with Mom, sister, friend etc...to be with you as a coach I would do it that way. Infants do so much and change every day that your DH would miss so much of DC's firsts and life if he were to miss the first 5-6 months. Depending on the hospital you may be able to video the birth if DH wants to see it when he comes home. Sorry that you have to make this choice

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Posted by Heather617

This is a hard question but for me I would choose that he misses the birth. If you have someone in your life who you are close with Mom, sister, friend etc...to be with you as a coach I would do it that way. Infants do so much and change every day that your DH would miss so much of DC's firsts and life if he were to miss the first 5-6 months. Depending on the hospital you may be able to video the birth if DH wants to see it when he comes home. Sorry that you have to make this choice

Message edited 8/12/2008 1:15:40 PM.

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Not to sound callous, or a typical guy, but in all honesty, most men can give very little support during the pregnancy, birth, and several months after. For obvious reasons, the pregnancy is, physically at least, all you. Same with the birth. The first few weeks, DC will pretty much just eat, sleep, and poop. Yes, it's great having the emotional support of DH with you, but I think given those two options, he will be able to support you more AFTER the birth, when you NEED to get some sleep, even if it's only one or two nights a week. You can run on pure adrenaline and paranoia for a few weeks. DH will be able to do more with DC when DC is a few months old.

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

I would have to say he should be there for the birth - it is the most amazing experience of your life -at least it was for me and dh will say the same. If I had options then this would be it. I know he will miss out on the first few months but you can document that and video it - you just cannot document the feeliing of watching your child being born. Just my two cents.

Good luck with your decision

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

I am so sorry that you have to make this decision...

IMO, I would choose to have DH miss the birth and the first few weeks. It is sad that he'll miss the birth, but I think in those first few months, when DC is growing everyday, experiencing so many firsts and getting to know their world, I'd rather have DH there for that...

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

From an emotional perspective, I would want him there for the birth - both so that he can experience it, and so he can support you (Al was a HUGE support during my labor/delivery).

From a rational perspective, I would want him there in the months following.

Its a tough decision, but I think I'd pick missing the birth.

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

I weould NEVER choose to have DH miss the birth of our child, NEVER

I would choose that he go later

I am actually surprised that so many say to miss the birth....that TO ME is the most magical moment

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Posted by Heather617

This is a hard question but for me I would choose that he misses the birth. If you have someone in your life who you are close with Mom, sister, friend etc...to be with you as a coach I would do it that way. Infants do so much and change every day that your DH would miss so much of DC's firsts and life if he were to miss the first 5-6 months. Depending on the hospital you may be able to video the birth if DH wants to see it when he comes home. Sorry that you have to make this choice

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

I too would go w/ option #2. The birth of a baby, especially the first, is something you'll always cherish. The experience truly brought us closer together & those first few days were something we struggled through but were so surreal.

The first 4-5 months the baby sleeps a lot & will just be hitting the milestone of rolling over, but none of the fun things like sitting up, crawling, eating solids, etc.

I also found that my DH didn't truly bond w/ my DD until after she was crawling around & more "fun".

Personally, I'd choose to have him there for the birth, especially considering you have help after the baby is born. After a week my DH went back to work & so I was home w/ the baby myself the first 8 weeks (w/ help from the grandma's).

Also looking back the baby will have no recollection of the first months anyway w/ daddy gone.

It's a tough call...

Message edited 8/12/2008 2:23:01 PM.

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Oh this is sooo hard, I don't like either choice. I guess because the birth of my DS was not the magical moment so many here described, I would choose that he be home after the first 6 weeks...

Then Again, with the birth of my DS came some complications, that I just don't know how I would have made it withought DH.

OMG, I am no help, this is so hard. I do have to say my DH was pretty uncomfortable with DS until he was a bit bigger.

Okay...my decision is that he stayon schedule, and be home after baby is 6 weeks.

GL with this hard choice. What does DH say he thinks he would prefer?

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Posted by FrankiesGirl107

I am so sorry that you have to make this decision...

IMO, I would choose to have DH miss the birth and the first few weeks. It is sad that he'll miss the birth, but I think in those first few months, when DC is growing everyday, experiencing so many firsts and getting to know their world, I'd rather have DH there for that...

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

if it were me, i would much rather prefer that my DH was there after the baby was born. he will miss so much in those few short months... and as amazing as it is to experience a pregnancy together, IMO, it's more important that he is there to experience the baby growing up. you'll never get that back.

is there any way possible that he can get a leave pass for the actual birth?

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

I would choose for him to miss the birth. The baby changes so much in those first few months. It would be sad for him to miss that. My BF was in the military and told me one of the saddest things for a lot of guys that left young babies behind was that when they returned the baby no longer recognized them.

Does he get any weekends or time off around the baby's due date? If so, maybe there's a chance that he can be there for the actual birth. You can also talk to him on the phone while you're in labor, etc.

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

I would rather him miss the birth and be there for the first few months....only because I know I couldn't have gotten through the first 3 months without someone there with me. It is so draining to have a newborn - even though they sleep a lot - it's a lot to take. I don't think I could do it alone.

The birth is an amazing event....but selfishly, I'd need someone for support with a newborn.

What a terrible choice to have to make!

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Without question, miss the birth.

My husband missed my dd's birth. He was there for the laboring but for the birth itself, he was downstairs signing paperwork.

To me, that 5-6 month bond & the support I needed during it surpasses a one day event.

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

WOW... what a hard position to be in and a difficult decision to make but I know lots of military mommies who've had to make similar decisions. You're not alone!!

I would pick DH missing the birth because so much happens those first few months

It's a tough one but I know you will pick what's right for both of you

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

Personally, I needed the emotional and physical support more after the birth, during DD's first few months.

A friend of mine's DH was in Iraq when their DD was born. The hospital let them set up a webcam on their laptop so he could witness the birth. My friend's mom learned how to operate the webcam beforehand and it went seamlessly. They were even featured on the local news (this is OOS). Her DH came home for good about a month later.

Re: Need advice from new Moms... WWYD?

im with the minority. Super hard decision either way.. but the birth is soo important to me. I figure him being at work misses alot of stuff anyway so the first 5 months i can take pics and videos. The birth is just something thats not the same watching on video as in person.. we created this little bundle together and witnessing the miraculous birth together is just so special.

Message edited 12/7/2009 10:51:53 AM.