Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

My BF from HS and I had a huge falling out in 1994. I have missed her ever since. I tried multiple time to contact her early on. (Cards, phone calls to no avail) I saw her at our 10 year HS reunion and it turmed into a yelling match. Basically I went up to her and told her how much I missed her friendship and expalined how I was married now and missed her in all the planning that we had always talked about way back when. I then told her I hope she was well but I started crying and left. My Dh followed with a comment after she supposed said something mean that I did not hear but my DH and other friend from HS did hear.

She came after me and DH stepped in again and yelled at me to walk away. She called my DH an animal and that was the last I saw of her.

Now 9 years later, I saw her DH in Dec at a concert for his band. I only found out then was her DH. (They dated after HS and broke up in 1994). I just went up to say hi and I couldn't believe he remembered me. He told me they got married and were expecting. I was moved to tears again because I was so happy. He told me she's here and I explained that I don't think she would t talk to me if she saw me. I was also super emotional at the time. I told him to please tell her I missed her still and that I was so happy for the 2 of them.

I had great intentions of sending a card to them after the news but I never had the nerve. I even went on their baby registry and bought a gift. Not a real personal gift but something that she wanted. That was as far as I got. I never sent it. Now i just found out that they had a baby boy at the beginning of the month.

I'd really like to try again and at least send something to them. I don't want to send what i bought from the registry, but I'm afraid she'd throw out something I'd send if it's too personal.

Any ideas or is it even worth it. Another friend of mine said to send something as a last attempt. She said maybe Motherhood might change things. I figure if I send something and don't hear from them then fine and I know I did the right thing.
It just hurts so much that so many wonderful happened in my life that she was not part of. These are the things we always talked about doing together. She has no ideas I have 3 kids. My DD name is modeled off of hers. If we would have still been friends my DD would have been named after her.

If you stuck around for all of this THANK YOU!!! That is why I love you ladies!

Message edited 6/22/2008 5:40:12 PM.

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

I don't know if I would send a gift. I would send her a card and see if she responds. If she reaches out to you after that I would give her a gift for the baby, maybe if you made plans to meet up.

If you don't hear from her I wouldn't bother ever again, she isn't worth your time and I'm sure your friends would say that she doesn't deserve your friendship if she is going to act like that.

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

You are a pretty cool woman for still wanting to keep this friendship. I can tell you for a fact that her little act at the reunion would have put me off forever.

Having said that - if you are determined to give it one last shot - you should send the registry gift with a personal note. You don't know her anymore - so buying something personal is a little awkward. I would just send the gift and the note and leave the ball in her court.

But I wouldn't get my hopes up too high - the reunion attempt was a disaster and I am sure her husband told her that he saw you and let her know that you still seemed to miss her - but she didn't contact you after that so ..

But yeah, motherhood may have softened her and you have already bought the gift, so send it if you really want to. But keep yourself prepared for the idea that she may reject your advances again and she may send the gift and note back - perhaps even send a strongly worded note of her own.

I hope things turn out the way you want!

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

Honestly? It seems like you keep trying and she doesn't seem to care or want to pursue the friendship.

I would be happy with the fact that you've tried several times already, but she clearly seems to have changed in the 15 years you have been estranged, and is no longer the caring person she once was. I wouldn't waste any more time/money/effort on trying to pursue the friendship.

However, that may be why I don't speak to anyone I knew 15 years ago.

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

Posted by nov04libride

Honestly? It seems like you keep trying and she doesn't seem to care or want to pursue the friendship.

I would be happy with the fact that you've tried several times already, but she clearly seems to have changed in the 15 years you have been estranged, and is no longer the caring person she once was. I wouldn't waste any more time/money/effort on trying to pursue the friendship.

However, that may be why I don't speak to anyone I knew 15 years ago.

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

I don't know why you guys had your original falling out, but it seems you are really trying so hard, almost looking desperate, and she really wants no part of you. No offense, but after the reunion incident, that would have been it for me. You cried for joy when you heard she was expecting, you still want to send her a gift...why???Again, I don't know the details, but really, don't give her the satisfaction.
It is obvious she means alot to you, but it looks like you will just keep getting hurt.

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

This is a tough one. I'm like you in that I'm willing to tolerate a lot from people because I always feel like deep down there is still some good left in them or in our relationship. I think you should do what makes you happy, and it seems like sending the gift is what you want to do. If there's no response, at least you did what you wanted, and you know where she still stands. If you get a response, even better.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

Posted by nov04libride

Honestly? It seems like you keep trying and she doesn't seem to care or want to pursue the friendship.

I would be happy with the fact that you've tried several times already, but she clearly seems to have changed in the 15 years you have been estranged, and is no longer the caring person she once was. I wouldn't waste any more time/money/effort on trying to pursue the friendship.

However, that may be why I don't speak to anyone I knew 15 years ago.

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

Not sure what the original falling out was - but it seems it was pretty bad for the way she reacted to you at the reunion - coming after you and all.

I would let this one go - you tried more than once - as far as i can see, you've done all that you can do - she isn't interested in the friendship anymore.

I hope you can find some peace for yourself.

Re: Need advice/help regarding a former friend. (SUPER LONG-SORRY!)

Wow, I have a very similar situation going on right now. My best friend in the world and I don't really talk anymore even though we never had a real falling out - just a lot of misunderstandings that built up over time. I have made multiple attempts and have not gotten much out of it, but still think of her every day and wish that we were there for each other during these major milestones in our lives. I was her MOH in 2003 and she wasn't even at my wedding in 2006. I can't believe I went through all the planning without her, after everything we had planned/talked about, etc. I know that she has battled IF issues since her wedding and it breaks my heart knowing that I wasn't there for her...because she wouldn't let me be, but also because I just didn't know how to go about it. I heard through the grapevine that she finally had a little last week, practically the same day I found out that I also expecting a in November. My first thought was wow, how amazing would this be if we were still as close as we were - our 's could grow up as close as we did.

I have been going back and forth in my mind whether or not to send a gift. DH says no (he has never even met her, sadly), my mom who truly knows everything I went through with this friend for 20+ years says yes. If nothing else, I will be sending a card and letter as my last ditch effort. I would rather put my pride on the line than just let it go....at this point anyway. After that, it is in her court and if I don't get a response I will mourn the loss of her friendship once and for all. But that won't mean I won't miss her everyday.


Please FM me if you want to talk further about this - our situation seems very similar.

Message edited 6/22/2008 9:57:06 PM.