Not getting along...

So i am looking for some advice.

DS is in 3rd grade and will be 8 at the end of the month, there is a girl next door who is also 8 but in 2nd grade. They play outside almost every single day together, along with the girls brother (1st grade). The children next door do not have the best home life and have emotional issues; the mother told me the girl (we will call her J) has been diagnosed with bipolar and started medication recently, she feels the boy is also bipolar. There were no serious issues between the children, up until recently.

Apparntly, DS feels this girl J is trying to 'steal' his friends; he came home hysterical crying off the bus the other day. DS has a friend (I'll call E) that he has over to play regularly. Recently, E was over and they played with the neighbors outside. E & J have now become friends and started having playdates; all the kids always play together whenever there is a playdate.
Starting last week it's been a struggle who is going to call E first, we walked out of the door to the bus stop the other morning and J yells "I just called E and she is sitting with ME on the bus today" she has also said to him "E is MY best friend, not yours; im going to her house today so you cannot come". J has done this to DS with another child my son is friends with, which is why he came home upset and he feels she is 'stealing' friends. I explained to DS that he cannot stop 2 people from becoming friends and that there is no reason they all just play and get along.
There have been several other issues since we moved in last year that has made FH and I question the children next door. One, being that she flips out if DS will not play with her. She tells him "Yes, you have to play with me!" or when I tell DS it is time to come in, i've heard her say to him "You are lying! You don't have to go in, stay and play with me." She has done some other questionale things that havemade DS upset but always apologizes and DS forgives her.
Then this morning, we are going out to the bus stop and J yells that she is inviting E over Sunday and the 2 kids start who is going to call her first, i'm sick of it! I told DS that friends do not argue like this and don't try to hurt eachothers feelings; that there is no reason they cannot all get along.
We have tried to have other friends over and the second the kids play outside, J is there and wants to play too, ALWAYS.

I don't know what to do anymore, DS really doesnt want to stop playing with this girl, but I just see her as causing trouble. Is this just kids being kids? Maybe I am just too concerned abbout protecting DS's feelings, but I hate to see him upset, is this something he has to learn to deal with on his own? I'm lost and need advice on how to handle this situation; should I just restrict DS from playing with her or let it be?

Thank you for reading, i know its long and hopefully it makes sense.

Message edited 10/5/2012 12:39:09 PM.

Not getting along...

I 'm confused as to why this girl gets to call the shots at your house. Based on her past behavior and that she cannot be a good friend she needs to be told DS cannot play with her. I would start other friendships but I would not encourage this relationship with J.

She can try stealing his friends but if she doesn't weasel into play dates, she' ll need to plan her own.

Not getting along...

Also if she tells him she is inviting E over, I would practice him saying "that's okay, I'll have someone else over or have E over when she's free". Like every bully if she can't upset the target, it loses its appeal. Teach him not to engage, not encourage and not show he's upset if she is taunting him. Tell him that you have been thinking about this and she isn't a good friend to him so unfortunately she isn't allowed to play because she cannot be nice.

Apologizing only has value if you don't do it again. Her apologies mean nothing.

If later she shows she can behave differently, you will reconsider

Not getting along...

I'm keeping in mind that she is bi-polar.

I think she sounds like a very confused little girl and not healthy to be subjected to at this point in time.

I would encourage your DS to make new friends and have them over.

I'd also gently send J home if she tried to intrude in a playdate, maybe even tell her parents that she needs to respect your son's play dates.

All done in a nice & calm manner, of course.

Re: Not getting along...

Thanks for the input!