Opinions on how I should feel...

about good friends who are having extreme difficulty TTC and want no part of Roman's life?

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

I know firsthand that it's hard to have kids grow up and not know your close friends for a little while.

I had a friend who started cutting people out of her life because she couldn't deal with someone else getting pregnant & not her. She could sniff out a pregnant woman from across the room. She would come over to me & say in an accusatory tone "I think so&so is pregnant."

I also saw how hard it was for her to go year after year with no results, get pregnant the same time as a friend only to see that friend have a baby while she miscarried.

The only thing that made her get back to normal was the decision to adopt. It was only when she had her own baby that she could tolerate being around other people's kids. It was sad because the damage was done to those relationships.

Hopefully their TTC journey will be over soon. In the meantime, invite them, be turned down and try, try to be understanding when they turn you down. The tears shed over IF are truly heartbreaking - almost on par to what I've seen over a loss of a child. It devastates people like I've never imagined.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

I never really post here, but had to respond to this...

I hardly ever see my two best friends kids...not that I don't want to....I really, really do. They are beautiful, adorable, wonderful children. I always thought I would be so close to my friends children, one big family.

But, as much as I want to see them, the feeling of longing I get, the reminder that I may never ever have this, just kills me. It may screw me up for hours, sometimes even weeks.

Trust me, I feel immense guilt...it's not their fault that I have these problems, and I shouldn't punish them b/c of my inability to conceive. But sometimes you have to protect yourself and do what you have to do to keep yourself going.

Just try to be understanding...it's a very tough road...

ETA- I seriously just cried writing this...the guilt is just unbelievable

Message edited 2/7/2007 7:24:12 AM.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Thank you ladies. It makes me upset and at times I can be selfish but then I think I have no right to be upset because I could never imagine what they are going through.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Posted by LisaW

I never really post here, but had to respond to this...

I hardly ever see my two best friends kids...not that I don't want to....I really, really do. They are beautiful, adorable, wonderful children. I always thought I would be so close to my friends children, one big family.

But, as much as I want to see them, the feeling of longing I get, the reminder that I may never ever have this, just kills me. It may screw me up for hours, sometimes even weeks.

Trust me, I feel immense guilt...it's not their fault that I have these problems, and I shouldn't punish them b/c of my inability to conceive. But sometimes you have to protect yourself and do what you have to do to keep yourself going.

Just try to be understanding...it's a very tough road...



ETA- I seriously just cried writing this...the guilt is just unbelievable

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Posted by MrsBumbleb

Thank you ladies. It makes me upset and at times I can be selfish but then I think I have no right to be upset because I could never imagine what they are going through.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Posted by MrsBumbleb

Thank you ladies. It makes me upset and at times I can be selfish but then I think I have no right to be upset because I could never imagine what they are going through.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Posted by nrthshgrl
The tears shed over IF are truly heartbreaking - almost on par to what I've seen over a loss of a child. It devastates people like I've never imagined.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Posted by LisaW

Just try to be understanding...it's a very tough road...

ETA- I seriously just cried writing this...the guilt is just unbelievable

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

I normally do not respond to posts that get heated. I have a gf that has gone through 5 years of infertility. I have given her injections, driven her to the hospital while she hyperstimulated, and watch her miscarry 4 times. Her and her husband have been through hell to have a child. During that period they seperated themselves from friends with children. None of us judged them. We were just there for them. Include them and they will let you know what they want to do. I don't think it's that they want no part of your son, it's just too hard to see past their feelings right now. I'm sure they have this feeling of "why us?" "Why does it happen so easily for everyone else and we have to go through this???" I would not write a letter, I think it would make the situation worse. Hopefully God blesses them with a child soon

Message edited 2/8/2007 7:52:12 AM.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Posted by BlessedBMommi

I normally do not respond to posts that get heated. I have a gf that has gone through 5 years of infertility. I have given her injections, driven her to the hospital while she hyperstimulated, and watch her miscarry 4 times. Her and her husband have been through hell to have a child. During that period they seperated themselves from friends with children. None of us judged them. We were just there for them. Include them and they will let you know what they want to do. I don't think it's that they want no part of your son, it's just too hard to see past their feelings right now. I'm sure they have this feeling of "why us?" "Why does it happen so easily for everyone else and we have to go through this???" I would not write a letter, I think it would make the situation worse. Hopefully God blesses them with a child soon

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

I've had a friend cut us off because she was having difficulty getting pregnant - we are close friends since HS - and she didn't see my daughter till she was almost one - at that time she was already a few months pregnant and feeling secure about her pregnancy enough that she felt she wanted to meet my daughter.

Did it hurt me yes. Does it continue to hurt me....sometimes yes...sometimes no.

We all have hardships in our life - getting pregnant may be one of them for some people - i just respect their feelings and don't push the issue - if they don't want to be a part of my child's life - it is something I have no control over and I try to understand what they are going through....

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

Anon since you pulled your post I can't quote you but thats basically what you said. Maybe not verbatim but it was the jist. I do not think you're a horrible person. I just think you are not as sensitive as you could be and also biased because someone in your life dealt with this in a negative way. Good luck and I hope you never have to experience personally what I and many others have. You are blessed to have a child of your own. That may not happen for everyone.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

MrsBumblebee - Try to see past your hurt and understand that for right now this is what your friends need to do.

IF effects everyone involved... 's to you and 's that your friends IF journey is a short one.

To all the other ladies that posted (or just lurked) - 's and 's for you too.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

We have really good friends who have struggled for years to get pregnant, and to stay pregnant.
We got pregnant with Sydney 6 weeks after they were pregnant with twins and she ended up losing the babies about a month later. It was really, really horrible.
I always tried not to talk too much about my pregnancy etc. just out of respect for them but they never cared... They are truly amazing people though, always asking about my pregnancy and how is the baby, asking for pictures, buying her christmas presents. They are genuinely interested, but this isnt the case for everyone.
I know it hurts you that they dont want to be involved right now but try not to take it personally. They are going through something that is extremely difficult. Hopefully she will be blessed with a baby soon. When and if she wants to resume a relationship with you, just be there.

Re: Opinions on how I should feel...

I am having the same issue with DH's brother and sister-in-law. We got married last June and got pregnant right away. They never congratulated us and never really seemed happy for us. Never even asked how my pregnancy was going or took any interest in the baby. In conversation, DH's brother mentioned to DH the other day that he and his wife have been TTC, but have not been able to. I believe they are seeing a fertility specialist. Now we somewhat understand why they have been so stand-offish about the baby and my being pregnant. It is a hard situation to be in. I am sure it is very hard for them to see me pregnant knowing they cannot right now. I am sure they are happy for us, but maybe are just not able to express it they way they would if they could conceive or if they did have children. Honestly, DH and I just let it go and didn't say anything to his brother or sister-in-law, that their lack of interest hurt our feelings. We don't want to upset them or pressure them anymore than they are. It does hurt, but I am sure it hurts them more that they are not able to conceive. We are just trying to be understanding.

Message edited 2/8/2007 2:00:08 PM.