Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Ugg. I love my daughter, I really, really do, but man, she's a terror lately. She's bossy and cranky and defiant and I don't even know what to do about it. I know it's partly her age, but she's so strong-willed and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know if it's because she's just popping a few more teeth or if my really sweet little girl has just become a nightmare. I don't give in to her mini tantrums, and I remain calm when she gets all in a huff, but I just don't know if I should be riding out the storm that has become her personality until it passes or do I start punishing her for her behavior. I feel like it's partly because she just doesn't know how to handle her emotions, and it helps if I talk her through a tantrum, but the silliest little things set her off. For example, she was on the potty this mornign for a freaking HALF HOUR. I knew she didn't need to go, so I said, "Ava, let's go have some breakfast," she said ok and I took her off the potty, then she threw an absolute fit when I tried to put her diaper back on. She wanted back on the potty. So back on the potty she went and sat there for another ten minutes. Then my mom came in and said, "Ava, let's go have breakfast," and off she hopped and gladly had her Nana put her diaper on It's like, no matter what i say to her, I'm the enemy and a stranger could come up to her and she'd be more happy than with me. I know it's the age, I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Please tell me what works with your toddler because when I'm in the midst of one of her moods, I just can't even think straight sometimes.

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

I'm interested in knowing how to handle your situation too...I'll be there one day I'm sure. Just wanted to offer some huggies!!

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Oh Rach - I absolutely have NO advice - but that is because I am going through the same thing

I am here if you want to talk

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

DS is the same way and I usually just ignore it. Sometimes I will do what I need and then let him throw the tantrum. Like I would have faught to put the diaper on her and then let her throw her fit. I don't know if it is right or wrong but that is what I would have done and what I do in those kinds of situations.

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Thanks, girls. I'm hoping it's the teeth because she's gotten so bad lately, and I saw that two of her teeth popped through, so I'm praying that it's the teeth.

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

I hate to sound so cliche, but it's a phase! I know how difficult it is. You feel like such a failure because you cannot get your child to do one simple task or to listen! Just try and hang in there. You are a wonderful mother, so do not doubt yourself that.

Kids like to test their parents and it's their way of getting attention by getting back at you!

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

I don't think punishing at this age would do any good. At two you can start time outs, but I don't think she'd understand before then...

As the parent of a "spirited" child as well, I know how frustrating this can be -- hang in there!!! The only thing that helped somewhat for me was making sure she had advanced warning of transitions -- Its almost time to get off the potty, One minute until you have to get off the potty, 10 seconds until you have to get off the potty, 5-4-3-2-1.... (Hopefully she gets off before 1, if not, mommy does it for her...)

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

I am in the same situation as you - well I guess I was until I got a little stricter. She would always listen to everyone else but walk all over me.

In that situation I would have either let her have her fit - and said to her...Talia when you are ready to have your yummy waffles you let me know...and walk away.

OR

I would say to her you can sit on the potty for one more minute then we go downstairs - deal??

The BEST scenario is if you say to her while she is on the toilet - Talia, in 5 minutes we are going downstairs so finish up ok?

THEN if she has a fit...its not acceptable because you told her what was coming next. Then I would just leave her to have her fit.

Yesterday I couldnt get Talia dressed. So I said to her...its ok, you dont have to put your clothes on...BUT we have to stay home then and you won't be able to see your friends. If you want to see your friends let me know nad we'll get dressed and go. Sure enough she asked me 5 min. later for her clothes. I think it is all about them thinking THEY made the choice and its on THEIR terms.

ANd don't expect her to be as good for you as she is for your parents...its just a different relationship.


eta: I am still working on it myself...but I think you need to get a little more strict with her so she knows you mean business when you say something.


eta: I have also started the "You have until I count to three" routine...and boy do I sound like MY mom!!

Message edited 2/22/2008 10:08:01 AM.

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Thanks again, girls. I do use the count to three thing and it works a lot. The problem is that I think I might be too strict. I tend to be very strict with her and I think that maybe I'm expecting too much of her. This morning, with the potty, I felt like it would be wrong to take her off if she really did have to go because usually, if I take her off when she doesn't want to come off, she goes like 5 minutes later in her diaper. I think a lot of my problems are also stemming from the fact that we're still here with my parents, and when I ignore her tantrums, there's always someone who comes by, scoops her up and gives in to her. I have talked and talked and talked to my parents about this, but they don't listen. At this point, all I can do is pray that we close on our house soon so we can get out of this situation.
The dynamics here are all screwed up and with me being off from work all week, it's just magnified.

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Rach,

I have to tell you it goes on at my house. Though she is worse to my husband. Just now she was pitching a fit over a donut and that he couldn't put her in her booster seat that she wanted to sit in and I can walk over and do it no problem, but I am her primary care giver this week. When I go to work it's the other way. It is trying believe me I know. Right now I can hear her yelling at my husband and banging on the TV because he tried to put on her favorite show silly man

Just breathe and ignore it the best that you can. That's my best advice. I have found the madder I got the worse it got. The calmer I stayed the better.

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Well - if you read my post about Cailen lately, he is defintiely heading in this direction. I was letting it go because I figured he's a baby, has so little language, and his emotions are all over the place, but when I saw him respond to my redirection, I decided to buckle down a little...

Here is when the saying "choose your battles" really mean something.

Speaking professionally, I have worked with kids with special needs who don't have half the language Ava has, half the coping mechanisms, and are a lot older, and they have really improved with some good solid behavioral strategies.

Cailen knows when I mean business - even when he tests - and boy has he been testing lately - he does the same thing with transitions - like Ava getting off the potty - he fights me undressing for his bath, getting out of the bath, getting his diaper changed, getting dressed, etc - but when I give him my mad mommy face and point saying "NO!" firmly in his face, he gets it. He knows the difference between that and my sing-songy no.....

I miss his sweet baby things he does, but this is all a part of healthy development - they are learning they have more control and they are doing everything they can to assert themselves. On a day like today where there is no escape, it sure makes it harder - i am soooo happy he is napping now!!!

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Rach - with the potty - have you thought of setting a timer? So, this way, when it beeps, "You" aren't the bad guy - the beeper is. Its very effective - it takes the ownus off of you. So, when you sit Ava down, say, ok - the timer is saying you have 3 minutes, and when it says beep beep beep, Ava gets off and puts her diaper back on...

Get a cute timer and she really may respond well to it....

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

My mom told me that I was a nightmare for her and an angel for everyone else.

I have no advice because I can't remember back that far, but I think it might just be a phase......not that she shouldn't be reprimanded, but that's just me.....

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

My SIL was having the same problem with my neice last summer and she just really ignored it and finally she outgrew it. When we were at our family reunion last year ALL Sophia would say to ANYONE was NO NO NO NO. It was hard. I think she was around the same age that Ava is now.

Like Liza said, unfortunately this is part of development!

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

OK, I'm going to put my behavior hat on for a minute and share a good term with you. Bare with me - I'm home from work today and need to use my brain before it shrivels up....

"Differential reinforcement"



What that means is that certain behaviors get reinforced more than other behaviors. So, if your baby can say "bottle" you no longer reinforce "Baba."

Same thing with tantrum like behaviors.

If you completely ignore tantrums - completely - no eye contact, even walk away, but ALWAYS reinforce her saying - "mommy, I want..." eventually she will learn what works and what doesn't. Moms do this all the time without knowing this definition, but really, thats the key to everything we do.

Cailen has eased up on the raging tantrums when I dress him because he learned it does not work. He learned if he pushes his little hands through his shirt, the whole miserable experience is done that much sooner....

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Thanks everyone. Just talking about it with you girls helps me regain my strength to deal with it. When I'm working, it's not so bad because I only spend four hours a day with her, which, right now, is not a bad thing for our relationship. I've been with her morning, noon and night since last Saturday, so it's just testing my patience at this point. Of course, now she's more than happy since Jack's Big Music Show is on

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

I am having the same problems. I count to 3 a lot, and I also walk away a lot. I tell her "when you are done I will be in the kitchen, so let me know." That seems to work sometimes (as long as dh isn't home )

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.

Rach I agree about the timer thing....give her clear boundries....and Yes I think things will approve a 100% once your in your own place and no one undermines you.

Wouldn't you listen to the person who gave you everything too

Re: Please help me. I'm going a little crazy over here.