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emomma17
All My Girls!
Member since 11/08 4392 total posts
Name:
Mia
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Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Has anyone ever come to this decision and if so what were the circumstances if you don't mind sharing. I think my family is at a stand still because we don't all agree well my (mother against her kids) on the care for my father right now. He isn't in good health, and it's a big strain for my mother to take care of him. With that being said we offered to have a nurse come in for a few hours a day to help and alleviate some of the stress for both my mother and my father..but they are refusing it...why I am not sure. It almost feels like my mother is resorting to a nursing home right away and I just feel like that isn't the best decision right now. I just know that if it were DH and I was his care taker I would do whatever in my power I could to take care of him regardless of the effects it has on me...his comfort would be my sole priority. I know this is easier said than done but it's my true feelings. Also, there is a long history of just bickering with my mother and well all of her kids so the conversation never ends well....any feedback or you can FM me if you don't feel like sharing on here, would be REALLY appreciated.
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Posted 12/20/10 1:02 PM  |
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LeShellem
A new beginning
Member since 2/07 3600 total posts
Name:
LeShelle
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
This is really a hard decision, but it is probably extremely difficult for your mother. Being a care giver is so hard, time consuming, and takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. What is your mother's reasoning for putting him in a nursing home?
When my grandfather was alive we would bring him up for christmas for two weeks. Let me say that though I am so glad we did this it was so very difficult and something that I couldn't do on a permanent basis.
Would you be able to care for your father or maybe your other siblings instead of your mother? Could maybe you all take turns caring for your dad and see how it goes. Maybe then it might be easier to come to a decision now that everyone will be on the same page.
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| Posted 12/20/10 1:12 PM |
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Peainapod
Peanuts are here!
Member since 1/09 13591 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
I posted something like this over the weekend regarding my grandma and my mother's inability to go through with putting her in a home. My mom is the sole caretaker. Its wearing on her life physically, emotionally, etc. My grandmother is becoming a miserable old witch (sorry if that sounds terrible..) My mom has been taking care of grandma since she was diagnosed with Emphysema / COPD in 2006.
The experience we've had with Home attendants coming to her house for a few hours a day has been horrendous. I have no idea where they are sent from but they've all been non-english speaking or barely english speaking, terrible care givers. and this is 3 times now we've had home attendants for her. Unless you are paying for a private nurse you should be aware that the type of care you may get may not be so good.
If he is in a state where he needs constant care or skilled care, a nursing home or assisted living might be the best option. Its much easier said than done that you would take care of your DH no matter what toll it took on your life. B/c from what I see with my mother, I wouldnt subject myself to it as long as she has. 
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| Posted 12/20/10 1:51 PM |
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KimberlyScott
Graceyn=My World <3
Member since 10/08 4173 total posts
Name:
Kimberly
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Im sorry to hear that your father isn't doing well.
Does your father want to go into a nursing home? Does he have any idea that this is even a possibility for him? Does he think that by refusing the nurse, he expects ur Mom to care for him?
I don't know how sick your father is but, from personal experience (my aunt/hospice) I can tell you it def. takes its toll and I can understand why your mom would like a break. But I dont understand why she would choose a nursing home. Im sorry, I dont want to come off as judging your family but I feel the same way as you.
Maybe one of you can talk to your dad and see what he wants to do. Then the kids can talk to Mom. Maybe if you are all together in one room w/o Dad around you can come to a resolution.
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| Posted 12/20/10 1:52 PM |
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emomma17
All My Girls!
Member since 11/08 4392 total posts
Name:
Mia
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Posted by LeShellem
This is really a hard decision, but it is probably extremely difficult for your mother. Being a care giver is so hard, time consuming, and takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. What is your mother's reasoning for putting him in a nursing home?
When my grandfather was alive we would bring him up for christmas for two weeks. Let me say that though I am so glad we did this it was so very difficult and something that I couldn't do on a permanent basis.
Would you be able to care for your father or maybe your other siblings instead of your mother? Could maybe you all take turns caring for your dad and see how it goes. Maybe then it might be easier to come to a decision now that everyone will be on the same page.
Unfortunately I have a brother that we haven't seen in 7+ years which my mother drove away, my other brother just went down to FL and not sure when he is coming back which leaves me and my sister who both work full time, have kids and I am currently pregnant with twins. If I could stay home and take care of my father fully I would or if he could stay with me I would but we don't have the space. My sister is talking with her husband about bringing him to her house. It is also unfortunate that they never planned for their retirement which is leaving them in a financial bind as well.
I think my mother just isn't built for this, it's not her thing and it's almost easier for her to put him in a nursing home then take care of him...sad but true. Not that she hasn't tried I am sure it's been tougher for her than I know but this is your husband and quite frankly in my opinion, it's your job to take care of him. I am a little bitter toward my mother, it's a very long history. I just feel like if this is the last part of his life, then why not make him more comfortable then putting him in an environment that will probably just make him deteriorate quicker.
For the other reponses:
I wish it were easy to converse with my mother, there is no reasoning and well she has a tounge like a knife and will cut you. Sometimes I am amazed that she even speaks to her own children this way because her friends get treated like family and well us like strangers it feels. Except her grandkids, they love her and she loves them back, that is one obvious thing.
The thought for my father to go to a nursing home puts him over the edge, it's the last place he wants to go. And it's heartbreaking. But they just are at each other at the house. I've been called out of work several times to their house to mediate them, which is ridiculous because in his state I don't understand how she can fight him verbally.
I don't want to dismiss the fact that it's been really tough for my mother, I absolutely know it has been and can see the toll it's taken on the both of them. But there is so much more with her that there isn't enough space on here for me to get into!
Message edited 12/20/2010 2:25:06 PM.
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:16 PM |
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heathergirl
Cocktail Time!
Member since 10/08 4978 total posts
Name:
American mouth
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
My parents are my grandmother's caretaker; she has been living with them for over 20 years, but within the last 6 or 7 years its been declining. She has Alzheimers and some other health issues, and I know it is very difficult and draining on my mom and dad. That said, they (or rather, my mom) would never put my grandmother in a nursing home, no matter how difficult it became. And I know my mom feels that way because Grandma had to put her parents in nursing homes and they died shortly after and she really blamed herself for their decline. My sisters and I help out as much as we can, but it does help that my grandmother is homebound, although being in close quarters all the time wears on my parents patience.
It is very hard. So sorry you are going through this
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:22 PM |
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LeShellem
A new beginning
Member since 2/07 3600 total posts
Name:
LeShelle
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Posted by emomma17
I just feel like if this is the last part of his life, then why not make him more comfortable then putting him in an environment that will probably just make him deteriorate quicker.
I don't know the history between you and your mother, but it sounds like your mom wouldn't be able to make your father comfortable. He may just deteriorate quicker in a place where your mom may become resentful. From what it sounds like (and I know not easy to hear) it may be best to put your dad in a nursing home.
Having seen my aunt and my mom literally not talk to each other b/c my aunt was my grandmothers caregiver and after years of doing so simply couldn't do it anymore. She was very resentful that my mother didn't do more even though she lived in another state.
Forcing your mom to care for your dad may end up making your relationship with her even worst.
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:25 PM |
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neener1211
:-)
Member since 4/07 22952 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
My MIL put my FIL in a nursing home while he was trying to recover from surgery related to cancer. No matter what we thought, this was her decision to make, it was her husband. (We thought it was a good idea for around the clock care in a nursing home as well).
In the end, it was the best decision because she was not capable of taking care of him the way he needed to be. It would have been worse for her to live that way.
My FIL passed away in hospice, and she has told us that she is glad we supported her in her decision, because she would not have wanted him to pass away in their house. The house would have been left with bad memories and she would have wanted to sell the house then.
It is her job to take care of him, but she IS taking care of him by providing him the proper care that he needs. Perhaps he wants to be in a nursing home and doesn't want to feel like a burden to your mother.
I am so sorry your father is not doing well, but I think this is their decision, not yours.
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:25 PM |
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fujamaga
Loves her babies!
Member since 5/10 1513 total posts
Name:
Cathy
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Truthfully, unless you or your sister are going to take care of your father, he's probably better in the nursing home. It's physically and emotionally tiring to take care of someone else - and it's not the best situation for your dad to be in if she's resentful. Not to mention, even if you hire people, she's still responsible for taking care of him. Sorry you're in this position.
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:31 PM |
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emomma17
All My Girls!
Member since 11/08 4392 total posts
Name:
Mia
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Posted by neener1211
My MIL put my FIL in a nursing home while he was trying to recover from surgery related to cancer. No matter what we thought, this was her decision to make, it was her husband. (We thought it was a good idea for around the clock care in a nursing home as well).
In the end, it was the best decision because she was not capable of taking care of him the way he needed to be. It would have been worse for her to live that way.
My FIL passed away in hospice, and she has told us that she is glad we supported her in her decision, because she would not have wanted him to pass away in their house. The house would have been left with bad memories and she would have wanted to sell the house then.
It is her job to take care of him, but she IS taking care of him by providing him the proper care that he needs. Perhaps he wants to be in a nursing home and doesn't want to feel like a burden to your mother.
I am so sorry your father is not doing well, but I think this is their decision, not yours.
Thank you for your response, I truly appreciate hearing the stories of others that have been through this and it helps to hear your perspective.
Unfortunately they don't agree on much. She wants him to go to one and he doesn't want to go to one. We get brought into the situation when we get the phone calls from both, crying and screaming. I honestly don't think my mother is capable of making the decision, it would be VERY difficult for me to respect my mother's decision. I think if it were my father telling me he wanted to go there I could deal better.
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:36 PM |
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heathergirl
Cocktail Time!
Member since 10/08 4978 total posts
Name:
American mouth
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Posted by emomma17
Posted by neener1211
My MIL put my FIL in a nursing home while he was trying to recover from surgery related to cancer. No matter what we thought, this was her decision to make, it was her husband. (We thought it was a good idea for around the clock care in a nursing home as well).
In the end, it was the best decision because she was not capable of taking care of him the way he needed to be. It would have been worse for her to live that way.
My FIL passed away in hospice, and she has told us that she is glad we supported her in her decision, because she would not have wanted him to pass away in their house. The house would have been left with bad memories and she would have wanted to sell the house then.
It is her job to take care of him, but she IS taking care of him by providing him the proper care that he needs. Perhaps he wants to be in a nursing home and doesn't want to feel like a burden to your mother.
I am so sorry your father is not doing well, but I think this is their decision, not yours.
Thank you for your response, I truly appreciate hearing the stories of others that have been through this and it helps to hear your perspective.
Unfortunately they don't agree on much. She wants him to go to one and he doesn't want to go to one. We get brought into the situation when we get the phone calls from both, crying and screaming. I honestly don't think my mother is capable of making the decision, it would be VERY difficult for me to respect my mother's decision. I think if it were my father telling me he wanted to go there I could deal better.
It seems like a stalemate...I know you said the homecare wasn't working, but maybe you need to try another agency. Is hospice an option? What kind of ailments does he have; is he in recovery, was he diagnosed with something specific? Ultimately the power is in your mothers hands unless your dad signs a healthcare proxy so that you make the decisions regarding his care.
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:46 PM |
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neener1211
:-)
Member since 4/07 22952 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Posted by emomma17
Posted by neener1211
My MIL put my FIL in a nursing home while he was trying to recover from surgery related to cancer. No matter what we thought, this was her decision to make, it was her husband. (We thought it was a good idea for around the clock care in a nursing home as well).
In the end, it was the best decision because she was not capable of taking care of him the way he needed to be. It would have been worse for her to live that way.
My FIL passed away in hospice, and she has told us that she is glad we supported her in her decision, because she would not have wanted him to pass away in their house. The house would have been left with bad memories and she would have wanted to sell the house then.
It is her job to take care of him, but she IS taking care of him by providing him the proper care that he needs. Perhaps he wants to be in a nursing home and doesn't want to feel like a burden to your mother.
I am so sorry your father is not doing well, but I think this is their decision, not yours.
Thank you for your response, I truly appreciate hearing the stories of others that have been through this and it helps to hear your perspective.
Unfortunately they don't agree on much. She wants him to go to one and he doesn't want to go to one. We get brought into the situation when we get the phone calls from both, crying and screaming. I honestly don't think my mother is capable of making the decision, it would be VERY difficult for me to respect my mother's decision. I think if it were my father telling me he wanted to go there I could deal better.
Not to make light of the situation, but maybe it would be good for your father? He'd get some peace and quiet? (said with slight humor)
I didn't realize your dad didn't want to go. Does he have a health proxy? It should say that he gets to make the rules until he can no longer do so. Your mother can't make the decisions for him until he can't make them himself.
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:48 PM |
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DrMeg
Back home!
Member since 5/08 1858 total posts
Name:
Meg
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
My parents just had to decide to put my Grandfather in a nursing home (my Dad's father). His care was falling completely on my Mother, as she was home all day (he lived with my parents). I know it was a really hard decision for them to make, and I am dealing with some resentment issues towards my Mom because of it.
But what it comes down to (which I am trying to make myself understand) is that if she feels she can't do it (which is how my Mom felt) then it's up to her. She's the one caring for him all day. In addition to it being difficult physically to deal with someone who is sick, it might be taking an emotional toll on your Mom as well. She may not be able to mentally deal with seeing your Father, the man she loves, like this.
It's a terrible decision either way, and just seeing my parents deal with it recently has been really difficult for our family. It resulted in a lot of yelling, crying and "I can't talk to you anymore" type behavior. It takes an emotional toll on everyone, something I am still dealing with even though he has been in the nursing home for almost 2 months now.
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| Posted 12/20/10 2:53 PM |
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emomma17
All My Girls!
Member since 11/08 4392 total posts
Name:
Mia
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Posted by DrMeg
My parents just had to decide to put my Grandfather in a nursing home (my Dad's father). His care was falling completely on my Mother, as she was home all day (he lived with my parents). I know it was a really hard decision for them to make, and I am dealing with some resentment issues towards my Mom because of it.
But what it comes down to (which I am trying to make myself understand) is that if she feels she can't do it (which is how my Mom felt) then it's up to her. She's the one caring for him all day. In addition to it being difficult physically to deal with someone who is sick, it might be taking an emotional toll on your Mom as well. She may not be able to mentally deal with seeing your Father, the man she loves, like this.
It's a terrible decision either way, and just seeing my parents deal with it recently has been really difficult for our family. It resulted in a lot of yelling, crying and "I can't talk to you anymore" type behavior. It takes an emotional toll on everyone, something I am still dealing with even though he has been in the nursing home for almost 2 months now.
This has really helped me, I think I am going to sit down with my sister and have a discussion tonight. Maybe we need to look at it in another perspective.
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| Posted 12/20/10 3:26 PM |
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MarathonKnitter
HAPPY
Member since 2/07 17374 total posts
Name:
EMBRACING CHANGE
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Re: Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
i wrote a lengthy reply and decided to say something different.
no matter what we say, it's going to be VERY hard, emotionally. be willing to listen to your mother's reasons.
maybe there is some kind of "rotation" family members can take to help your mom is she decided to keep him at home.
both of my father's parents were very sick at the end. it was very hard for those who participated in their care
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| Posted 12/20/10 3:38 PM |
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