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leighla
Support Cancer Research
Member since 5/05 16353 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Quick vent...holiday struggles already
My BIL got divorced this year and has joint custody with his ex.
I've ALREADY gotten the email that we (as in DH, DS and I) need to rearrage our schedules to accomodate the holidays that BIL has the kids.
We've always alternated the major holidays between families. My mom works in a hospital so she has to work every other holiday as well.
When I mentioned that we would see what happened once my mom's schedule came out, I got major guilt trip about how unless WE cooperate my ILs will never get to see all the kids at once - and that maybe my parents wouldn't mind having the day after all the holidays with us.
And that BIL will be lonely on the holiday he doesn't have the kids so we should make an effort to get together then too.
Ummm...that leaves EVERY holiday with ILs and none with my family then!
I'll certainly try to make things work out as they can, but I am NOT taking away from my family for the sake of them.
It's not my fault my BIL couldn't keep it in his pants. 
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Posted 8/8/08 12:28 PM  |
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CkGm
They get so big, so fast :(
Member since 5/05 13848 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Quick vent...holiday struggles already
Why should you and your family suffer due to your BIL problems?
I would continue on as you have in the past and not feel an ounce of guilt about it. 
ETA: I don't know why people get so worked up over the holidays if you live near by and see each other anyway. We are 3000 miles away from many members of both of our families and we still manage to negotitate the holidays with both our families. Its just a day- your IL's need to get over it.
Message edited 8/8/2008 12:33:16 PM.
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| Posted 8/8/08 12:31 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Quick vent...holiday struggles already
My babies are due December 25 and my IL's want to come here for Christmas. At first they all wanted to stay in my 2BD house!(7 people plus me my Dh and 2 baby boys!) We put the ixnay on that and now they may come but rent a house, which I am fine with-way too many people.
I hear ya-everyone wants what they want and never understand that the other side wants to see us too..
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| Posted 8/8/08 12:34 PM |
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leighla
Support Cancer Research
Member since 5/05 16353 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Quick vent...holiday struggles already
Posted by CkGm
ETA: I don't know why people get so worked up over the holidays if you live near by and see each other anyway. We are 3000 miles away from many members of both of our families and we still manage to negotitate the holidays with both our families. Its just a day- your IL's need to get over it.
I am so totally with you.
Someday my dream is to actually have a holiday that's just me, DH and DS.
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| Posted 8/8/08 12:43 PM |
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lbelle821
Arghhhhh
Member since 2/06 5285 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Quick vent...holiday struggles already
I would totally tell them it wasn't your fault he couldn't keep it in his pants.
However, if you're not up for an all out family feud would you consider this year hosting at your house with both sides? Mybe try and sell it to your family as if you're doing it because you have your new house, etc.
If not, i would at least attempt to make an effort but since I don't think they all live local if it becomes too much than I would just go with the schedule and go with your family.
The year before Matthew was born my FIL was really sick with cancer and I basically called off all holiday's with my family because they knew this would be DH's last one with his dad. They understood. But in this situation it is a little different. I'm not sure your family should have to sacrifice because they got divorced.
Holidays are overrated for me for this one reason. I get pressure from all sides too. And what they don't realize is that they really make the day so stressful that I spend most of it wishing it was over.
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| Posted 8/8/08 1:01 PM |
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leighla
Support Cancer Research
Member since 5/05 16353 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Quick vent...holiday struggles already
Posted by lbelle821
However, if you're not up for an all out family feud would you consider this year hosting at your house with both sides? Mybe try and sell it to your family as if you're doing it because you have your new house, etc.
I tried that already too.
Because it will be the boys' first year away from one parent on that holiday, they want to keep them at their new house.
This is just one more "exception for them" that we have to bear - there have been so many things that we have changed for them over the years and I was kind of hoping once I had my own kids we could have our way ONCE in a while.
Nope.
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| Posted 8/8/08 2:15 PM |
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lbelle821
Arghhhhh
Member since 2/06 5285 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Quick vent...holiday struggles already
Posted by leighla
Posted by lbelle821
However, if you're not up for an all out family feud would you consider this year hosting at your house with both sides? Mybe try and sell it to your family as if you're doing it because you have your new house, etc.
I tried that already too.
Because it will be the boys' first year away from one parent on that holiday, they want to keep them at their new house.
This is just one more "exception for them" that we have to bear - there have been so many things that we have changed for them over the years and I was kind of hoping once I had my own kids we could have our way ONCE in a while.
Nope.
I honestly don't really know what the 'right' thing to do is in a situation where a child is dealing with divorced parents --- but in this siuation maybe there is something to be said about getting them OUT of their environment and going somewhere where it can maybe be more "festive" rather than be somber and walking on eggshells. Maybe if they see that holidays will go on and be merry maybe that will help them accept it more in not thinking it is the end of their world. But hey, I'm in finance and not psychology for a reason.
But I do sympathize with you, it isn't fair that you should have to 'miss out' on anything because of this situation -- it does seem like this has been going on for a while and it's not like you should be expected to make exceptions for the rest of your life to accomodate. Eventually it just needs to be what it is. I don't mean that against the children...sure you should all continue to show that you love them despite whatever is going on and I'm sure you all do...but everyone can't keep trying to ultra compensate for their parent's divorce. Life will go on.
So maybe this year you'll have to suck it up (although I don't necessarily agree) but this cannot be ongoing.
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| Posted 8/8/08 2:55 PM |
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luvsun27
Check out my cool glasses
Member since 5/05 8135 total posts
Name:
Kim
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Re: Quick vent...holiday struggles already
Lauren...it seems no matter what you do/try to do, it won't be good enough for the IL's. The kids are kids...I'm sure they will be just happy being around their cousins and they could care less about whose house they are at. What does your DH say since this is his family making all the demands?
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| Posted 8/8/08 3:00 PM |
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