Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I admit it, I've been lurking on here too much for my own good but I miss being on here and seeing all the updates.. etc.. I just can't stay away!

Anyway the last time I updated this board was a few weeks ago when we first heard the news. I am officially two weeks from my D&E. I have to say it was an absolutely traumatizing experience.. from celebrating our SON to finding out ten minutes later we were losing him... to then anticipating the procedure for a week that I was so afraid of ... and then actually being there in the moment and going through with it. Let me say, all of my fears I once had about childbirth are officially thrown out the window. I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby in the end.. if that's 58 hours of labor, so be it (please remind me of this post when the time comes!!)

I won't go into a whole play by play of my experience getting the D&E (though if anyone happens to come across this in a board search or has questions about the procedure please don't hesitate to FM!).. but what I will say here is I distinctly remember seeing my reflection in the mirror before the procedure. I had all the operating attire on (gown, robe, head cap thing to keep my hair away .. ) Before leaving to go to the OR I saw myself in the bathroom mirror and I honestly did not recognize myself. I never saw that look of absolute fear in my face before. All color was gone. I looked like a figure some novice artist would draw in a sketch pad before learning how to give the person distinct features. I looked so panic stricken, yet numb at the same time.

When I woke up, I wasn't in pain. In fact, I had an initial feeling of relief just to have the physical part behind me and finally able to grieve my emotional pain. When leaving the hospital, reality slapped me hard in the face when I saw two balloons near the exit- "It's a Boy!" and "It's a Girl!" And then it occurred to me. I arrived at the hospital at 6am that morning, pregnant. I left just 5hrs later and was no longer pregnant... and no baby ... no balloon... I tried so hard to numb myself before this day because I knew if I was consciously aware of everything that was going on, I never would have made it to the hospital that morning for the procedure. The moment I saw those balloons and felt a rock form in my throat, I knew I could no longer suppress what I was feeling inside. It hit me at that moment that I was no longer pregnant. Even typing that out feels like a shock- and I buried my son today.

Yup, TWO WEEKS after the D&E, and we were finally able to have at least some closure. My DH and I each typed letters filled with things we wanted our son to know. We put them both in one envelope along with some pictures. Driving to the cemetery was strange. I knew once we would arrive I would be flooded with emotion that I tried to not think too much about it until we got there. I did tear up a few times though, I have to admit.

We met with the funeral director and followed his car to where our son was going to be buried. We parked our car and walked over to find his coffin sitting next to a hole that had already been made. I starred at that box like I somehow believed if I opened it, he would be 9 months gestation, big and pink and making a loud healthy cry. Then the burial began. They placed my son's coffin in that big space in the ground and I placed the envelope with our letters next to him. I watched as the burial proceeded and with each gentle scoop of earth, my son's coffin slowly disappeared. I knew that was a moment I would remember forever and I cry each time I do.

We spent a little while after the burial standing by and letting reality sink in. By the time we left and started to drive away, I had a sick empty feeling. I was reminded that for 17.5 weeks, I had my son with me. I took comfort in knowing I was doing all I could to keep him safe inside. It was so hard to believe that moments after being reunited with my baby, we were driving away without him. I cannot say how many slaps of reality I have been hit with over the past 3 weeks. Every time another step in this tragedy takes place, it's like my mind is processing the news for the first time.

I can't help but focus on the future to move myself forward from this. We will be back at my RE's office in a couple of months. I never imagined I'd be back there this soon, but I want now more than anything to get my next protocol started. I keep imagining what it will be like to be pregnant again after going through this. I know I will be so nervous from one appointment to the next but I have to believe my next pregnancy will be different. I know the excitement the anticipation of a pregnancy brings. I know it even more clearly since it was taken from me so suddenly. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through but I really do believe that tragedy makes you stronger.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I was wondering how you were doing. You're incredibly strong and I wish you countless blessings for the future

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

That was written so wondefully and I think writing more and more might actually help you cope with your loss, plus I think you can help so many women who may have or have to experience a situation like this. Thank you for sharing and I will tell you again, I am here if you need me

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I am so so sorry.

I can't even imagine how you are dealing with all of this and wish you peace.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I am sitting here reading your story and I am in tears.
I am so incredibly sorry for all you have been through these past couple of weeks, you ARE a strong woman and you WILL get through this.

praying for you always


if you ever need to talk I'm here, having experienced 4 losses myself I know how difficult an experience it is.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

i'm sitting here in tears...i have no words for you, all i can say to you is that you are probably one of the strongest women i "know" and that i wish you and your DH all the strength in the world.
thank you for trusting all of us enough to share this incredibly difficult story with us...

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

PennyCat, I am so sorry for the loss of your son and this emotional journey you have gone through. Thank you for sharing your story and for your openess and honesty. You truly are a brave person and admire your courage whole heartedly. I will keep you and your DH in my prayers as you try to move on from this the best way you know how.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

Pennycat...I think about you often and my prayers are always with you. You are such an amazing person and I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. I am glad you were able to have some closure with your son and I hope your healing process continues.

i will always lurk on the infertility boards to see whats up with you! Wishing nothing but the best!

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

Have been thinking about you and it was good to hear your update though it made me cry. It was so beautifully written and really shows both your heart and your strength. . though I hate when people say things happen for a reason so I DEF won't say that but I will say. . I know that you, your DH, and your future LO will all be so lucky/blessed to have each other!

Sending you all the healing and baby dust there is!

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I am so sorry for ur loss but i must say u are such a stong women to be able to have such a great outlook on everything! If you need nething please dont hesitate we are all here for you.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

Thank you for sharing your story. you are an extremely strong person to do that. i hope you'll be posting on this board soon!!

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

You are an amazingly strong women. I am in tears reading your story. It must be cathartic to write down all that and more admirable to share it with us. Many prayers for you and your DH and the future holds amazing wonderful things for you both

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

Im so sorry for your loss.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I am so sorry you lost your little man. May you and your future DCs know you have him watching over you.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

the way you wrote this was incredibly beautiful. I am literally wiping the tears. I am soo sorry for your loss and I pray that you WILL see your son again someday in Heaven and that healthy pregnancies are right around the corner. You and your husband seem like such beautiful people

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

Thank you for being so eloquent in sharing your story with us. My heart and prayers go out to you and your husband

Here's to hoping that you're back here real soon

God bless your little angel

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

Ugh I am so sorry you had to go through that It is so true when they say you start worrying as a parent as soon as you get your BFP and it continues for a lifetime. You are a brave person for sharing your story and I know for a fact you will move on and be back on this board soon. I wish you lots of strength and hope!! I am so sorry again!

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

wow i am sitting here hysterical right now so i couldnt even imagine what you are going through.

you seem so strong and your son should be so proud!! Just know that your son will be you guardian angel looking down on you both

i wish nothing but the best of luck to you

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Message edited 8/28/2010 3:06:19 PM.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

So sorry for your loss!

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I was in tears reading your story and have no words. I can't even imagine what you are going through. You seem like a incredibly strong person and that's very inspiring. I hope you continue to find strength with each passing day and I hope for the very best.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I am so so sorry for your loss. You have been in my prayers and will continue to stay there.

Re: Remember me? Thought I'd share an update.

I am so deeply sorry for everything you have been through. Reading your posts brought tears to my eyes. I can understand a little of what you are going through, i too had been going through IF for years, and finally had IVF a few weeks ago, and today i found out that i lost my pregnancy. I can not imagine having the baby inside me for 17 weeks and then losing it. My heart goes out to you, and if you ever want to vent, chat, fm me anytime.