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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Respect/consideration issues
Let me preface this by saying that our relationship with BM is okay. I wouldn't call it friends but friendly. So why must she do things to make it unfriendly?
Last night she calls and asks us to watch SD for "10 minutes". DH told her we have errands to do and we really can't. Mind you, it was then 8 p.m.
DH was then like "ya know what? It's only 10 minutes. Let me just do her this favor." This totally made me mad b/c we had stuff we had to get done (I had just gotten home from work). Against my wishes, he tells her to drop SD off.
Now BM knows we have stuff to do. She knows that he's nice enough to do her a favor. So now tell me why her 10 minute task turned into over a half hour!
It totally pisses me off that she has zero respect and consideration for DH. She treats him like a doormat, and worse, he LETS her! He's doing HER a favor and she takes advantage. But more than that, she totally inconvenienced ME. Now that I'm effected by her nonsense, that's the last time she gets a favor.
I feel like DH did that favor to keep the waters calm (in his naive mind). It really aggravates me that he would rather appease BM and annoy me than just say no to BM! I really feel like he lives in fear of BM and it makes me insane. I think he feels that if he doesn't give into her every request, she's going to withold him having a relationship with SD which is ridiculous b/c she dumps that kid every chance she gets. I was so aggravated last night! I told him that if he thinks for 2 seconds that I'm going to come 2nd to BM, he can think again. Why is it that every time I feel we have taken a step forward in this difficult situation, he does something to take us back 2?
Oh, and Anamarie...when SD came over the first words out of her mouth "How come you never buy me shoes!!!!????" I felt like saying b/c yo momma gets paid, brat!
Message edited 9/10/2008 4:05:22 PM.
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Posted 9/10/08 9:36 AM  |
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
It drives me crazy everytime you write he is doing HER a favor
its HIS KID TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you shouldnt be mad at the BM because your DH said drop her off.
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| Posted 9/10/08 10:52 AM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Yes I realize that but when you have a schedule, you make plans accordingly. My DH had her all day before she picked her up. Why didn't she do her errands then? Just like we planned on doing after SD was picked up. So, IMO, it is a favor to her to watch her when she is supposed to have her.
Just like it's a favor that she watches SD when DH has to work overtime during his scheduled visits. We don't expect her to give up her free time to accomodate his schedule b/c you know what? I'm sure she cherishes that time to herself and she makes plans to do what she wants or has to do during those times. If he's stuck, DH will ask if she can watch her if he needs her to and if she can, she will. If she can't, she can't. We don't question it. She's entitled to have her own life. We don't pull the "Well it's your kid too and that's too bad if you have other plans." We would never do that. That would be extremely incosiderate on our part. I don't think it's too much to ask that we get the same consideration.
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| Posted 9/10/08 11:32 AM |
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CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!
Member since 5/05 14021 total posts
Name:
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by legallyblonde
I told him that if he thinks for 2 seconds that I'm going to come 2nd to his ugly one night stand gone horribly awry, he can think again.
I felt like saying b/c yo momma gets paid, brat!
What horrible things to say in regards to your stepdaughter. 
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| Posted 9/10/08 1:35 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by shamrock124
Posted by legallyblonde
I told him that if he thinks for 2 seconds that I'm going to come 2nd to his ugly one night stand gone horribly awry, he can think again.
I felt like saying b/c yo momma gets paid, brat!
What horrible things to say in regards to your stepdaughter.
The first comment was not referring to my SD. The second one, calling her a brat, was b/c that's how she was acting...like a spoiled brat.
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| Posted 9/10/08 1:58 PM |
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my3boys
I love these boys
Member since 7/07 2711 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Why couldn't you do you errands with out your dh? I understand that you had plans to do one thing and then another thing happened however that's what happens when there are children involved. I mean if you had plans to go to a wedding, movie, etc then yes I would be mad but just for running around I don't see how a 1/2 hr is that big of a problem.
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| Posted 9/10/08 2:29 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by my3boys
Why couldn't you do you errands with out your dh? I understand that you had plans to do one thing and then another thing happened however that's what happens when there are children involved. I mean if you had plans to go to a wedding, movie, etc then yes I would be mad but just for running around I don't see how a 1/2 hr is that big of a problem.
It is when you have an appointment. We had to stop at a couple of places before the appointment but we couldn't do that due to the "10 minute" hold up and we were late to our appointment.
The issue though is not errands. The issue is having a little consideration for others. If she need more than a half hour, she should have just said so. But she didn't say so b/c she knew we could not wait around that long b/c she knew that we had an appointment. Could we have waited "10 minutes"? Yes. And that is why DH didn't think it would be a problem. Little did we know.
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| Posted 9/10/08 3:08 PM |
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itkocak
Member since 7/07 7639 total posts
Name:
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Message edited 11/21/2011 7:50:10 PM.
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| Posted 9/10/08 3:33 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by imthekevinofcindyandkevin
Posted by legallyblonde
I feel like DH did that favor to keep the waters calm (in his naive mind). It really aggravates me that he would rather appease her and annoy me than just say no to her!
I told him that if he thinks for 2 seconds that I'm going to come 2nd to his ugly one night stand gone horribly awry, he can think again. Why is it that every time I feel we have taken a step forward in this difficult situation, he does something to take us back 2?
Don't ever make your DH choose between you and his child. You will lose every time. You have to come to terms with this fact. Try and imagine for one second the guilt he feels at not being able to be there for her all the time and put yourself in his shoes. You can't imagine how torn he is. He figures you're an adult and will understand that he's not doing these things to appease the BM, he's doing it for his child. At the same time his dd would feel that if he said "nope, sorry, can't do it" that he doesn't want her around.
I edited my post. I wasn't trying to say he should choose b/w me and my SD...when I was saying "her" I meant BM. I don't feel that it's right that he should be appeasing BM at the expense of me and my feelings. This is not the first time it's happened...this was just the proverbial straw. I realize it may sound petty to some of you, and perhaps in this instance it is, but it doesn't change how I feel. I may have to come 2nd to his dd but there is no way I should EVER have to come 2nd to her mother.
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| Posted 9/10/08 4:02 PM |
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by legallyblonde
I edited my post. I wasn't trying to say he should choose b/w me and my SD...when I was saying "her" I meant BM. I don't feel that it's right that he should be appeasing BM at the expense of me and my feelings. This is not the first time it's happened...this was just the proverbial straw. I realize it may sound petty to some of you, and perhaps in this instance it is, but it doesn't change how I feel. I may have to come 2nd to his dd but there is no way I should EVER have to come 2nd to her mother.
I am not trying to "judge you" but I have to say you DO sound petty and I also think you need to just deal with the fact that your DH has a Child with ANOTHER woman.
and its not about you coming 2nd its about him being with his child....he is not a babysitter he is a father and a parent and we as parents make sacrifices for our children....so she was 20 minutes late....move on and get over it
If you live your life with all this resentment towards the BM its no good for anyone
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| Posted 9/10/08 4:07 PM |
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itkocak
Member since 7/07 7639 total posts
Name:
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Message edited 11/21/2011 7:50:48 PM.
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| Posted 9/10/08 4:20 PM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
I'm not living your situation so it wouldnt be fair for me to pass any judgement- with that being said-
My DH would have given his right arm for my SD's BM to have asked if we could watch her for 10 minutes- we lived the total opposite situation...The BM in my instance was so insecure about the realtionship she had with her own daughter that she wouldnt "let" my DH have her for one more minute than he was to have her in their agreement- year and years of this along with parental alienation tactics that were used on my SD , have now completely sabotaged my SD's feelings toward my DH at the age of 11 !!!! She would rather put her with a stranger (and thats in her own words) Yes, when my SD was a baby and not old enough to form her own opinions, the BM would be late when we were dropping her off back at her house etc..., but as soon as she saw that my SD actually enjoyed being a part of a family aside from her, she totally took as much time away from him as possible....These kids are only little for a short time and before long your SD won't want anything to do with your DH or her BM (sad to say, but we've all been teens and you know how it goes) Try your best to pick your battles as often as possible and whatever you do, don't let it get in the way of your relationship w/ DH (no-body wins) , as frusturating as it may be
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| Posted 9/10/08 4:23 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by imthekevinofcindyandkevin
What I don't think you are getting is that in his mind he is not doing anything for the BM it's all about his dd. You and your DH need to sit down and hash all these feelings out NOW before it gets to the point were you feel like he doesn't care about your feelings. Believe me I'm on the side of making this situation work for you, your dh and your sd. The BM can handle her own business. You all (dh, yourself and sd) need to come together as a family. All I want you to try and remember is whatever feelings you have for your sd's mom should not spill over to the relationship you want to have with your sd.
I definitely see what you are saying. Am I correct in assuming you are in my DH's situation?
I would NEVER let my opinions of BM be known to SD. It's not fair to her and I think that in the long run, even if I am correct, it will cause a rift in my relationship with her which I would never want. She'll learn on her own, which I think she already is anyway.
I never meant for this to be an issue of he chose dd over me or anything like that. It just irritated me that we had places to be, things to do and she was blatantly inconsiderate since she knew that and he didn't say a word to her about it. It was rude.
I'm reading everyone's responses, and I'm pretty sure that almost all of you have kids of your own. Your perspective is going to be different than mine and I can respect and appreciate that. Whether or not you agree with me, thank you for letting me vent.
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| Posted 9/10/08 4:58 PM |
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itkocak
Member since 7/07 7639 total posts
Name:
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Message edited 11/21/2011 7:51:47 PM.
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| Posted 9/10/08 5:15 PM |
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
I also wanted you to get it from a BM pov
we are not all evil and trying to ruin your life
If I had to do something and I called DDs father and asked him to take her for a little while I would not think of it as a "favor" to me(especially if he told me to drop her off)....we have a child together and are BOTH responsible for her
I am lucky that DD's stepmother isnt insecure,jealous or resentful or view my DD as an inconvenience
I know you don't have any children of your own so it may be hard for you to understand
anyway I am not trying to jump all over you iI just wanted you to know that its important for your sd to know that she is important to her Dad and you feeling this way isnt helping
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| Posted 9/10/08 5:33 PM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
I want to preface this by saying that I have read all the above....and remind everyone that I am a BM too.
Believe it or not I do understand where the OP is coming from.
My DH's ex often calls us up at the last minute to take the kids....she will additionally call up at the last minute and switch things around on us so that we arent getting the kids. She'll switch weekends...make last minute plans...etc. DH never tells her no b/c he knows that I will understand and b/c he doesnt feel like hearing from her that he isnt a good father. Which will be the lecture should he say no.
She does this on purpose. After 4 years of this it couldnt be anything else...She'll make doctors appointments for him to take them to...at a time that he couldnt possibly get them there in time without leaving work early (and she doesnt tell him about them until the night before)...she schedules dental appointments in the middle of his visitation day so he has to stay around her house and not bring the kids here. He wont find out about these appointments until the day before. So any plans that we have made get screwed up.
Even though I understand. Even though I know it's not DHs fault. Even though I know better...I still find myself getting angry...frustrated...and PO'd at the kids (although I dont show it)..
Im sure the OP is extremely frustrated. You can hear the frustration in the post. Cut her some slack and remember that even though we are all stepparents or BM every situation is different.
Message edited 9/10/2008 9:47:08 PM.
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| Posted 9/10/08 8:34 PM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10312 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
I just want to add regardless of it being his kid, he is doing a Favor to the BM by watching the kid unexpectedly at the last minute. Just like in my family if DH needs to pick up his son late or switch a weekend, BM is doing us a favor by accomodating us. Something I dont see a favor would be DH going to a Dr. appt. since it is his kid and they need to share that responsibility.
Ok to the OP, I can see your fustrsation but one thing you should see is that he isnt choosing BM over you. If he is anything like my DH its so easy for him to say yes to BM just out of love for his kid. If this was a one time thing and it was only the difference of 20 min I wouldnt be mad at BM but just express your concerns to DH and tell hime he should not have obligated himseld since he had a previous commitment. If you see she is taking advantage I would suggest he refrain from always appeasing her so she doesnt walk all over him. However, if this is one time incident than I would leave it alone.
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| Posted 9/11/08 12:44 AM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10312 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by hbugal
I want to preface this by saying that I have read all the above....and remind everyone that I am a BM too.
Believe it or not I do understand where the OP is coming from.
My DH's ex often calls us up at the last minute to take the kids....she will additionally call up at the last minute and switch things around on us so that we arent getting the kids. She'll switch weekends...make last minute plans...etc. DH never tells her no b/c he knows that I will understand and b/c he doesnt feel like hearing from her that he isnt a good father. Which will be the lecture should he say no.
She does this on purpose. After 4 years of this it couldnt be anything else...She'll make doctors appointments for him to take them to...at a time that he couldnt possibly get them there in time without leaving work early (and she doesnt tell him about them until the night before)...she schedules dental appointments in the middle of his visitation day so he has to stay around her house and not bring the kids here. He wont find out about these appointments until the day before. So any plans that we have made get screwed up.
Even though I understand. Even though I know it's not DHs fault. Even though I know better...I still find myself getting angry...frustrated...and PO'd at the kids (although I dont show it)..
Im sure the OP is extremely frustrated. You can hear the frustration in the post. Cut her some slack and remember that even though we are all stepparents or BM every situation is different.
ITA, been there also and it is furstrating.
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| Posted 9/11/08 12:50 AM |
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ThePinkGoose
In Your Hands
Member since 8/08 4706 total posts
Name:
Nunya
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by legallyblonde
Let me preface this by saying that our relationship with BM is okay. I wouldn't call it friends but friendly. So why must she do things to make it unfriendly?
Last night she calls and asks us to watch SD for "10 minutes". DH told her we have errands to do and we really can't. Mind you, it was then 8 p.m.
DH was then like "ya know what? It's only 10 minutes. Let me just do her this favor." This totally made me mad b/c we had stuff we had to get done (I had just gotten home from work). Against my wishes, he tells her to drop SD off.
Now BM knows we have stuff to do. She knows that he's nice enough to do her a favor. So now tell me why her 10 minute task turned into over a half hour!
It totally pisses me off that she has zero respect and consideration for DH. She treats him like a doormat, and worse, he LETS her! He's doing HER a favor and she takes advantage. But more than that, she totally inconvenienced ME. Now that I'm effected by her nonsense, that's the last time she gets a favor.
I feel like DH did that favor to keep the waters calm (in his naive mind). It really aggravates me that he would rather appease BM and annoy me than just say no to BM! I really feel like he lives in fear of BM and it makes me insane. I think he feels that if he doesn't give into her every request, she's going to withold him having a relationship with SD which is ridiculous b/c she dumps that kid every chance she gets. I was so aggravated last night! I told him that if he thinks for 2 seconds that I'm going to come 2nd to BM, he can think again. Why is it that every time I feel we have taken a step forward in this difficult situation, he does something to take us back 2?
Oh, and Anamarie...when SD came over the first words out of her mouth "How come you never buy me shoes!!!!????" I felt like saying b/c yo momma gets paid, brat!
 Your last paragraph just made me burst out laughing!!!! I know exactly what you are saying and i'm disheartened to see everyone becoming so defensive. I understand that the children and their welfare comes first....my SD and SS will ALWAYS come FIRST in my book to me even before my DH and they clearly know this. However, at times I do feel like my SD is a class A BRAT. Is that so horrible?? I don't think so and i'm entitled to my opinion.
I don't think the issue here is your SD....I think your last paragraph just threw your whole post out of context. How long has your DH been divorced? I am only asking because this sort of nonsense went on CONSTANTLY early in my relationship with DH and it drove me CRAZY!!!! It absolutely is a "FAVOR" when the unfortunate circumstance of a divorce requires 2 people to split up their parental obligations. If it is such a "shared" responsibility, then is it ok for your DH to just go pick up his daughter at his whim and take her whenever he wants? Of course Not! This isn't a one way street....it has to work both ways. I'm only saying this bc one of the previous posters got so defensive on how "IT'S HIS KID TOO!" Yea, please...spare me....It's only "his kid too" when it's to her convenience. Other times, when DH wants to see her or do something that is not so convenient to BM then it's not "his kid too." You get what i'm saying? So, no offense to anyone, but spare me!
I can completely relate to BM treating your DH like a doormat...been there and I can completely understand your frustration. I can bet that if BM was more respectful of DH then you wouldn't have minded the half hour "FAVOR." However, when someone is blatantly disrespectful and inconsiderate, you just can't help but be resentful of any kindness DH shows. Regardless of what anyone here says...and no offense to any BM that are actually normal...but most BM play the guilt trip card to suit any PERSONAL need of her own. This would be a completely different scenario if the favor was actually FOR the child.....but this is almost never the case. It's always something that BM wants or BM needs or can or cannot do...It Never Ends!!!!
I think the point is that your DH disregarded YOUR plans in order to accomodate something BM had to do...not something his DD had to do...am I correct? Because ONCE AGAIN...BM needed a favor. SD did not need the favor, BM needed the favor. Why couldn't she do whatever was so important during her own time? Well...because she knows your DH will accomodate her out of guilt. It took DH a long time to realize that all these favors were for BM and not actually his kids. She was using the guilt my DH felt to play him like a fiddle and that is just wrong! I don't know if i'm going off a tangent here or not HAHA Please correct me if i'm wrong but this is what I went through so i'm trying to relate and give you the best advice that I can.
BM's antic's and games ultimately caused so much drama and fighting that we no longer speak under any circumstances. Is this good for the kids? No way. However, she caused it and she made her bed, now she can lay in it. Since we've cut her off, life has been peaceful, child visitation has been on-schedule and we couldn't be happier!
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| Posted 9/11/08 9:29 AM |
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
op you keepgoing on about doing BM a favor etc...........well really her DH should have said no cant help you out my DW and I have plans sorry
thats not the BMs fault its her DH he should have said NO
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| Posted 9/11/08 9:39 AM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by MamaNDaddyof3
op you keepgoing on about doing BM a favor etc...........well really her DH should have said no cant help you out my DW and I have plans sorry
thats not the BMs fault its her DH he should have said NO
Exactly. But he didn't. Why? To keep BM happy. When BM is happy, everyone is happy. That's the rule of thumb in our house. But my point is keeping her happy should not be done at our expense.
Not that this is really relevant but I'm sure her "errand" had to do with her new boyfriend that she is keeping a secret from SD until she's sure it's serious...which is definitley the right thing to do considering her track record. I can't think of any other reason why a) She couldn't bring SD on her "errand" and b) She refused to tell us where she was going. But go frolick with secret lover when SD isn't with you. SD is young. She should have been in bed at that time instead of being shuttled all over the place at 9 on a school night.
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| Posted 9/11/08 10:26 AM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by AnaMaree77
How long has your DH been divorced?
I think the point is that your DH disregarded YOUR plans in order to accomodate something BM had to do...not something his DD had to do...am I correct? Because ONCE AGAIN...BM needed a favor. SD did not need the favor, BM needed the favor. Why couldn't she do whatever was so important during her own time? Well...because she knows your DH will accomodate her out of guilt.
No divorce. Actually, not even a relationship. That's a whole story for a rainy day. 
And yes, you got my point and expressed it perhaps a bit better than I did.
And as Sash said, things that have to do with SD are definitely a split responsibility. No doubt about that. And there is certainly nothing wrong with accomodating each others schedules and helping each other out when needed. It's the taking advantage of and being inconsiderate is what frustrates me.
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| Posted 9/11/08 10:35 AM |
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cantbelieveit
Love these kids!
Member since 10/05 4708 total posts
Name:
Tammy
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Believe me, there is a lot I could add to this topic but I am just going to say this. We have been in SEVERAL similar situations and unfortunatly we usually end up "doing the favor". More so because BM will just drop SS with someone else to do what she wants to do rather than not do it. So we figure it is in the best interest in the child to have him here than with someone else.
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| Posted 9/11/08 9:36 PM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by legallyblonde
And as Sash said, things that have to do with SD are definitely a split responsibility. No doubt about that. And there is certainly nothing wrong with accomodating each others schedules and helping each other out when needed. It's the taking advantage of and being inconsiderate is what frustrates me.
Exactly!!!!!
Im a BM and I never do this to my ex..
We are far from friends but we keep the peace for the sake of the kids. We respect each others time with the kids and we respect each others private time as well. We generally try to plan special events around our visitation schedule..and if this isnt possible we always check with the other person first...
My DH's ex is constantly making DH run over there b/c she made a doctors appointment for the kids that she cant possibly get to. Of course he'll do it but why did you make it at a time when you couldnt take them???? And then not even tell him about it until the day before??? Why is it that at least once a month you have to adjust the weekend visitation??? Why does the weekly visits always have to be adjusted??
She makes it impossible for us to make any sort of plans...if he says no he looks like a bad parent. AND if he goes through with his plans without his kids he looks like a bad parent...
It's so frustrating!
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| Posted 9/11/08 9:49 PM |
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ThePinkGoose
In Your Hands
Member since 8/08 4706 total posts
Name:
Nunya
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Re: Respect/consideration issues
Posted by hbugal
Posted by legallyblonde
And as Sash said, things that have to do with SD are definitely a split responsibility. No doubt about that. And there is certainly nothing wrong with accomodating each others schedules and helping each other out when needed. It's the taking advantage of and being inconsiderate is what frustrates me.
Exactly!!!!!
Im a BM and I never do this to my ex..
We are far from friends but we keep the peace for the sake of the kids. We respect each others time with the kids and we respect each others private time as well. We generally try to plan special events around our visitation schedule..and if this isnt possible we always check with the other person first...
My DH's ex is constantly making DH run over there b/c she made a doctors appointment for the kids that she cant possibly get to. Of course he'll do it but why did you make it at a time when you couldnt take them???? And then not even tell him about it until the day before??? Why is it that at least once a month you have to adjust the weekend visitation??? Why does the weekly visits always have to be adjusted??
She makes it impossible for us to make any sort of plans...if he says no he looks like a bad parent. AND if he goes through with his plans without his kids he looks like a bad parent...
It's so frustrating!
I can completely relate to this poster. How Sad....I thought I was the only one with these issues so it is comforting to know that IT'S NOT JUST US!!
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| Posted 9/12/08 8:38 AM |
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