Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

I see this all the time.. women have the babies and then are sooo overwhelmed because their hubbies dont help.

my advice is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to you SO BEFORE you give birth!!! Tell him how difficult it will be.. how tired you will be.. how your hormones will be ALL OVER THE PLACE!! AND let him know that he needs to step up and help.. with support, wtih time, with comfort with feedings with laundry, with cooking.. with WHATEVER you need!!

The first 3 months will be the hardest three months of your life AND YOUR MARRIAGE!!! Please let them know the gravity of this situation!!! It's not a walk in the park.. its' not all " ohhh how cute is he/she.. I love you babe" NOPE!!! IT'S DAM N HARD!! HARDER THEN YOU COULD IMAGIN!!! LET THEM KNOW YOU NEED THEM!!!!

You are a team!! For better or worse!!!

I feel women have a false expectation of men sometimes!! Its not liek the movies!! THEY ARE SCARED TOO!!! They will wait for your cues.. they will look to RUN away sometimes!!! THey will look to you to tell them what you need!!! DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP.. they are your partner!!! They need to be guided too!!

this is the time your marriage WILL be tested!!! Talk to eachother about your expectations before your give birth to your bundle of "joy"..

ok rant over!!!

Message edited 5/30/2012 11:13:05 AM.

Re: Some adivse from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

Re: Some adivse from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

as a BTDT mom/wife - I second that advice!! Well said!!

Re: Some adivse from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

i agree. COMMUNICATION is key!!!

Re: Some adivse from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

Very, very true!

Re: Some adivse from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

Even as a BTDT mom I need to remember this advice.

Re: Some adivse from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

I'm not a BTDT but can fully appreciate that advice!!!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

My OB/GYN was the best--at about our 8 month appt she said to DH..."For the first few months, it is your wife's job to take care of the baby, and it's your job to take care of HER."

I made sure the baby was fed, clothed, changed, comfortable....and DH made sure I ate, bought groceries, cooked, laundry, cleaned up a bit...and gave me time to take a nap or shower when possible.

Having a baby is no joke--you both will have to step up a ton!!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

YES YES YES its not all lovey dovey. The newborn stage IS HARD PERIOD.

Linda i couldnt have said it better.

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

This is so true!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

I am a BTDT mom!! Great advice!!!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

SO true!!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

It makes me sad to hear these stories as well! I've been so grateful to have my hubby to help out and I make sure to tell him how much I value his help. I make sure to tell everyone I know what a great dad he is for being on the same team as me. I truly feel sorry for all the ladies whose hubbies don't make life easier for them Its not right and I agree that you must keep open the lines of communication!!!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

Even if your DH helps out tremendously as mine did, you will argue. I NEVER EVER thought we would. We never argued prior to having kids (not much anyway) but those first few months really are hard. Anyone who says they never nitpicked or argued is lying. I felt so much better when i talked to all my mom friends when we had a ladies night. They all went through it too..

You combine sleep deprivation with a newborn who needs you 100% all the time, well, people tend to argue. It happens. Good thing is that when we had our second baby we vowed to NOT let that happen and it worked out pretty well (little arguments here and there but nothing like with our first).

For ME i know i had to learn to back off a little too...let him take over with things and not be on his back all the time to make sure he was doing it right.

He was such a wonderful support to me..cooked/cleaned/fed the babies...yet I still snapped here and there (the majority of the arguing was started by me, i am embarrassed to say). My hormones were a bit whacky post baby....

We continue to have a wonderful marriage but this post is great because it really can be hard in the beginning. Just know to always communicate and let certain things slide...it'll all work out!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

great advice Linda! it's so true. hell, it has an effect on a marriage when you're pregnant. communication is key. even the best husbands in the world, the strongest men you may know, are scared sh!tle$$ of those newborns. they don't know how to act, how to speak, what to do, they can't control the crying, they are so confused. it may take your SO months to adjust. give it time, don't push it!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

as a BTDT mom/wife ~ great advice!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

very very very true!
I thnk it is important to let DH do things right from the start even if he doesnt do them exactly as you would. It will give him confidence that he can take care of the baby and give you a break! I had expectations that DH would step up from Day 1 (based on advice I got from LIF...thank you thank you!) and I can honestly say that I have never had cause to complain that he doesnt help...even with a physically demanding job that gets him out of the house at 5am. Now we did bicker and have arguments but they were mostly due to sleep deprivation which is another issue and is no joke!

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

This is so very true. And I REALLY wish someone told me how much I would hate my husband in the beginning. DH and I were together (dating) 10 years when DS was born. We NEVER broke up once in those 10 years. After DS was born I can't count how many times I used the word "divorce" or packed up to leave him. And it took longer for DH to come around, unfortunately, then just the 3 months. I have come to realize hes not a baby person. Hes just not into babies and I can't make him into it. Hes so much better now that DS is almost 2. It was a really trying time in our marriage. But we made it through. I just hope its easier the second time around

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

No flaming here!!!!! I am surprised by how many people say they are up all night because their DH doesn't help or that they do not help around the house.

The baby was not made by you alone and therefore DH's should be helping. Both parents need sleep!

Take shifts at night. My DH & I are both tired but we both get the same amoutn of sleep jsut not at the same time. He will shop if I give him a list or take care of DS while I shop.

Havign a baby is tough but it does nto need to put a lot of stress on the relationship if you share duties

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

I'm not flaming b/c I know everyone has a different experience, however, as to not completely scare or freak out the first time moms, not every situation/baby's sleep schedule/DH is the same.

Just for a different perspective:

DH and I were not married when DD was born. We didn't live together either. I was all alone taking care of a newborn until DD was 11 months old. I was the only one getting up at night with her. I had no help during the day either. The first three months were not the hardest time in my life, not by a long shot. They were actually the most wonderful time in my life. I was also lucky enough to have a baby that slept through the night at 4 weeks old.

I can't comment on the DH factor b/c we didn't live together and we weren't married. He would come over after work to spend time with us. We got married and moved in together when DD was 11 months old and we didn't really argue until she was like 2 and that is mostly b/c we were under stress of TTC for a year with no success.

I know my situation may not be typical, but it's not inevitable that your baby won't sleep, you'll be on the ledge and/or you and DH will be at each other's throats.

Just know that it can go either way and be prepared for either situation.

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

As a BTDT, just reading this post made me think of that first week home with DD when I looked at my DH playing video games on the couch - just like he always did - and I looked at the mountain of newborn laundry and went into my bedroom and cried.

I think the OP gave excellent advice. With the hormones racing and the lack of sleep and just the whole overwhelming nature of becoming a mother for the first time, most likely you're going to be on edge and things that may not have bothered you before will bother you now (see above paragraph about DH playing video games).

When I had my second my DH was on the ball. My DD was the one wreaking havoc but she was only 2.5 at the time so it was to be expected.

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

I guess it was my post that stirred up this post. I do agree with you though but to clear things up my DH does help. He makes me breakfast and lunch, changes DS diapers, feeds him etc. its just that usually I have to ask him to do it and I dont feel like I should have too. I also would like to sleep. Thank goodness DS lets me sleep a couple of hours and night but it would be nice to c atch some zzz doing the day esp. since DH is still home...I dont think I should have to ask him to watch the baby while I sleep, but I guess Im going to have too.

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

Re: Some adivce from a BTDT mom!! (I may get flamed)

Posted by Linda1003

Posted by bettybcafe

I guess it was my post that stirred up this post. I do agree with you though but to clear things up my DH does help. He makes me breakfast and lunch, changes DS diapers, feeds him etc. its just that usually I have to ask him to do it and I dont feel like I should have too. I also would like to sleep. Thank goodness DS lets me sleep a couple of hours and night but it would be nice to c atch some zzz doing the day esp. since DH is still home...I dont think I should have to ask him to watch the baby while I sleep, but I guess Im going to have too.

Nope actually I didn't even see your post.