Some questions...

Sorry if any of my questions sound silly or naive...

Can I ask those who are or who have adopted, what made you choose international versus Domestic adoption?

I tend to see theres much more international adoptions lately.

When DH thinks about adoption, he tells me he sees himself wanting a newborn or baby....Is this truly as difficult as it seems like it is? I honeslty know noone who has successfully adopted a child under 14 months old.

And then stress....From reading around and reading the boards, the stress level seems like it must be overwhleming and almost worse then the infertility stress many go through.

We have this stigma like we would be percieved as not good enough. Like if we started adoption proceedings before we purchased a house, DH feels we would be "looked down on"...although its not that much of a financial thing.

The information just seems to be staggering and I find myself stopping my reasearch because Im too overwhlemed!

Thanks to you all in advance.

Re: Some questions...

Donna.

First off Dh and I adopted internationally for a multitude of reasons. One being the fear of having the child taken away. Which rational or not would have been devestating at the time. Since we had been having years and years of infertility issues.

I also choose Korea because as a young girl my best friend was Korean. She was adopted. Now this was 30 years ago and adoption was not nearly as popular an option as it is today.

Finally we choose Korea because the health of the children is outstanding and the babies are very young. Tell DH that I too wanted an newborn. Well my daughter came home at 5 1/2 months and I was in total shock. I figured she would be able to do things. Total. She couldn't even sit up. We didn't have an infant car seat or anything. Now looking back ( our daughter is 3 1/2) I can't believe she was so little.

We are actually on our way to Hempstead to have our fingprints done this morning for number 2. Which will probably be around the same age.

One friend of mine told me and I soooo didn't believe her but she was right. YOU HARDLY MISS ANYTHING BY MISSING THE FIRST 6 MONTHS. I can't speak for those whose children were older. But I feel like she has been here the whole time.

I have to go but I will write again later. We are going to be late.

Jennifer

Re: Some questions...

There are a number of factors to consider in adoption.
Domestic adoption does work out, but it can be more costly and there are more risks involved. Birth parents have total control for the most part in the US. They get a big binder of hopeful couples and they search for a couple that they would like to parent their baby. This could be a very long process for a couple since there are way more hopeful parents than birthparents looking to place their child up for adoption.
Of course most people remember the big Lifetime movie type cases when a child is ripped from the parents arms, but that is very rare. More common would be that the birthmother (or father) decide the day they deliver or within a few days that they want to parent the baby. It is DEVASTING, of course but not a big media cirus like you may have seen before. Depending on the state you adopt in there are different laws. In NY birthparents have 90 days (I believe, but could be wrong) to change their minds. That could be very stressful for many couples.
Also, open adoption is really what most adoptions are these days. The degree of "openess" varies though. You should do some research and reading about it before going into domestic adoption. It is not as scary as it sounds and the birth mother is NOT your baby's "mother" or going to take your baby from you years later. But still you need to be comfortable with the concept. Another plus is that you can often know A LOT about the birth parents history, situation. You can be in the delivery room or at the hospital when the baby is born. You can get a white newborn- which many couples truly want.
Domestic adoption can be very costly, much more than international adoption. And in the end, you could have a "failed" adoption- which is when the birthparents decide to parent. You don't get all of your money back in many cases and of course, you go home without your baby. It is VERY sad for all concerned.

International adoption is more "secure". In most countries the gov't has custody of the child so there is no "backing out at the last minute" by the birthparents. That gives many people a lot of peace of mind. It is less costly in most cases.From what I have seen it is between $15-$25K depending on the country you choice and the program you pick. Some people adopt 2 children at once to save money since it is not double the cost of one adoption.
The thing with international adoption is that you and your husband have to decide if you are comfortable with the idea of parenting a child of a different race or ethnic backround then yourselves. In some cases you can adopt from your own backround- such as if you or your husband was from Korea or Russia. But in many cases people are adopting a chid outside of their own ethnic or racial backround. Of course, everyone agrees ALL children deserve a loving, secure home BUT that does not mean every single couple is okay with adopting a child from another country. Those are questions you really need to ask yourselves. There is NO right or wrong answer though. Just how you feel.

Other things to consider are travel times and process. After looking into Guatemela I was not comfortable with the length of time between referal and the trip to get the baby. I also was not comfortable with some of the process they put the birth parents thru.
Eastern European countries (mostly) require 2 trips. China and Ethiopia are one trip. Columbia requires you to live in the country for 6 weeks. With having Molly at home Scott and I didn't feel some of those situations would work for us.

Korea and Ethiopia have the youngest babies often. I have heard of couples bringing home a 4-5 month old in both countries. In China you typically will bring home a 9 month old- 15 months (if you request an infant). An infant in International Adoption is any child 0-12 months old. Eastern Europe is usually over 12 months because of the laws of the country.

Why we chose Ethiopia:
We love Africa. Scott and I honeymooned in South Africa and Zimbawae. We love the culture. We have true concern for the issues the people of Africa face. We felt a "connection" , if that makes any sense.
We are comfortable with adopting a black child- not all couples are and that is totally OK. Our families are "okay" with it, but very cautious and worry about the possible racial issues that we could face. Scott and I feel up to the challenge and ready to face those issues.
We have a very good chance of getting to met a member of our child's family. This means the WORLD to us. We pray all the time that we are able to met someone who knew our child's birthparents. We want to have the information to tell our child. We want to celebrate his birthparents and their lives.
The children are very healthy and do not really have attachement issues. They recieve good medical care and overall care in their orphanages (which are not gov't run, but run by the various agencies).
The process, like China, is straight forward. There is a pretty good timeline on what will happen and when.

We are using Wide Horizons for Children (www.whfc.org). If you want to check out their website or give them a call you can. They really can help you figure out which path is for you by providing you with tons of information on each program.

In terms of missing things..I can say that IMO of course you will miss certain things but you will also GAIN so much. Almost all parents, no matter how they became parents, will tell you that they can't imagine their lives before the baby. And that is VERY true.

Let us know what other questions you have!! Good Luck!!!

Re: Some questions...

Joe and I chose international over domestic mostly because we feared (as uncommon as it is) that the mother would eventually want her child back. We were not very comfortable with the whole 'open adoption' thing which seems to be the trend in the states these days. We also weren't fond of the uncertainty of the whole thing. We wanted to make sure that we were going to have a child at the end of the long process, which is not guaranteed in the US. I cannot imagine the thought of not having a child after waiting for over 9 months. After suffering through infertility for over three years, that would throw me over the edge.

We chose Korea because we wanted a young baby, and Korea has the youngest internationally. We liked the fact that the babies in Korea are watched over by foster parents rather than orphanages. Most of all, we liked the fact that the babies from Korea have phenomenal medical records overall and rarely suffer from developmental delays. We also liked that we did not have to travel to another country for weeks to get our child bc we'd rather take time off from work with our new child in our home and take him/her to Korea when s/he is old enough to appreciate it. After a lot of research, we were sure Korea was the right choice for us.

As far as comparing it to infertility, I couldn't. Adoption is an exciting venture -- something to look forward to. Knowing you will definitely have a baby rather than "what if i never have a baby" does wonders for my soul. It has been my only saving grace these days. Please feel free to FM me if you want more details and good luck! Don't let infertility get the best of you!

Susan