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Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
I am just going to put this put on the table now
Probably I will start to begin to ask a lot of questions about this, because out of all the things I want for Cailen, I want him to always feel good about himself. I may have mentioned in the past that I was raised by an abusive mother, and I am not exaggerating when I say it was well into my 20's before I had any concept of self esteem.
That being said, I really want to have a balance.
I find myself always clapping, praising him, saying yayeee, etc at everything he does. Its so cute, because now I see him clapping to himself after he does something, and that makes my heart swell with joy.
Is there such a thing as doing this too much? Will I praise him so much that he will become - I don't know - arrogant, cocky, think everything he does is the bomb.... Or, will all of my praise and"good boys" roll off his back so that he will become immune to it? So eventually being told he did a great job won't mean anything?
I know these are weird questions, but I would love to get your opinions on this....
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Posted 3/5/08 3:15 PM  |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
At this age, no I don't think so. I think what you're doing is just what he needs. Lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement.
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:18 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by monkeybride
At this age, no I don't think so. I think what you're doing is just what he needs. Lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement.
Thank you!!! 
But what about as he gets older?
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:19 PM |
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CkGm
They get so big, so fast :(
Member since 5/05 13848 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
This one of my favorite topics so bear with me.
At this age, I don't think there is such a thing as too much praise. They love the positive attention and do so many new things each day how could you not applaud them all?
But I do believe as they get older, we need to praise when it is justified, not just because they are there and we love them. This concept of "self-esteem" to me is over used and over blown nowadays. Kids get their self-esteem from over coming challenges and becoming successful, indepedent beings- not just because mommy says you are the best every day.
So I am one of the people against an award for every team, a plaque for every little thing they do, etc. In the real world, you certainly aren't going to get appaulded each day just for doing what is expected.
There's my two cents
Oh, and Liza- you can overcome your abusive mom- just keep doing the job you are doing- you are aweseome!
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:20 PM |
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halisa
adore
Member since 7/06 2168 total posts
Name:
lisa
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
i don't think it's a silly question. i think you do have to strike a balance between encouragement and praise, so that when children grow up they don't fall apart the first time things don't "work out" or not go their way.
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:20 PM |
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bicosi
life is a carousel
Member since 7/07 14956 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
No, I don't think so. Unless you are applauding negative behavior (which I know you aren't).
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:20 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by CkGm
This one of my favorite topics so bear with me.
At this age, I don't think there is such a thing as too much praise. They love the positive attention and do so many new things each day how could you not applaud them all?
But I do believe as they get older, we need to praise when it is justified, not just because they are there and we love them. This concept of "self-esteem" to me is over used and over blown nowadays. Kids get their self-esteem from over coming challenges and becoming successful, indepedent beings- not just because mommy says you are the best every day.
So I am one of the people against an award for every team, a plaque for every little thing they do, etc. In the real world, you certainly aren't going to get appaulded each day just for doing what is expected.
There's my two cents
Oh, and Liza- you can overcome your abusive mom- just keep doing the job you are doing- you are aweseome!
Thank you!!!
Its a favorite topic of mine as well, and I agree with you - thats why I want to make sure I step back before giving Cailen a "your the best dodge ball player on the planet" or whatever....
I want to be a good teacher for him - not blow up his ego - I want to do it right, although, I joke with DH that no matter what I do, he very well may end up the couch regardless complaining about the time mom didn't give him the juice box he wanted....
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:23 PM |
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thiadora
Happy Little Girl
Member since 5/05 3830 total posts
Name:
Thia (Cynthia)
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by CkGm
This one of my favorite topics so bear with me.
At this age, I don't think there is such a thing as too much praise. They love the positive attention and do so many new things each day how could you not applaud them all?
But I do believe as they get older, we need to praise when it is justified, not just because they are there and we love them. This concept of "self-esteem" to me is over used and over blown nowadays. Kids get their self-esteem from over coming challenges and becoming successful, indepedent beings- not just because mommy says you are the best every day.
So I am one of the people against an award for every team, a plaque for every little thing they do, etc. In the real world, you certainly aren't going to get appaulded each day just for doing what is expected.
There's my two cents
Oh, and Liza- you can overcome your abusive mom- just keep doing the job you are doing- you are aweseome!
I think this sounds like a very balanced approach. There is as much, if not more to be learned from not winning, as there is from winning.
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:23 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by bicosi
No, I don't think so. Unless you are applauding negative behavior (which I know you aren't).
Hmmm - what about that "I'm trying not to laugh" face when DH or I firmly say no and he smiles and claps his hands at us? Or looks at my angry pointed finger and puts it in his mouth?
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:24 PM |
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Ang-Rich
Beyond Compare
Member since 5/05 17988 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by CkGm
But I do believe as they get older, we need to praise when it is justified, not just because they are there and we love them. This concept of "self-esteem" to me is over used and over blown nowadays. Kids get their self-esteem from over coming challenges and becoming successful, indepedent beings- not just because mommy says you are the best every day.
I agree completely and in my opinion...once they are at that age where their acheivements are personal vs developmental I think that it's important to recognize the attempt over the actual success. When they do well in school I think it's more important to say "I am very proud of how hard you studied for that test" rather than "I am so proud that you got the highest grade."
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:24 PM |
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MST9106
My life:)
Member since 6/06 9589 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
I think at this age you are doing the right thing. When he gets older he'll understand more and you'll be able to talk to him about right and wrong, being a good person and reaching for the stars at the same time.
I'm really proud of you Liza...considering what you went through in your childhood, its amazing to see that you have turned the negative into positive.
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:24 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by Ang-Rich
Posted by CkGm
But I do believe as they get older, we need to praise when it is justified, not just because they are there and we love them. This concept of "self-esteem" to me is over used and over blown nowadays. Kids get their self-esteem from over coming challenges and becoming successful, indepedent beings- not just because mommy says you are the best every day.
I agree completely and in my opinion...once they are at that age where their acheivements are personal vs developmental I think that it's important to recognize the attempt over the actual success. When they do well in school I think it's more important to say "I am very proud of how hard you studied for that test" rather than "I am so proud that you got the highest grade."
Good point!!!!
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:24 PM |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by monkeybride
At this age, no I don't think so. I think what you're doing is just what he needs. Lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement.
Thank you!!!
But what about as he gets older?
Honestly IMO at any age it's about balance. It's important to praise and build them up but we also have to do the unpleasant part about letting them know when they've been unkind or done something wrong.
I guess at the same time too you don't want to make them feel like they're on some pedestal that they always have to maintain. Do that make sense?
For me growing up I always felt like I had to do better than I was, that nothing was ever good enough no matter how good and at 32 years old I still struggle with this. I don't want my daughter to ever feel that way. So as a parent I have to find the balance that allows her to do well and try hard but at the same time realize she doesn't have to be good at everything or do it perfectly.
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:25 PM |
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CkGm
They get so big, so fast :(
Member since 5/05 13848 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by CkGm
This one of my favorite topics so bear with me.
At this age, I don't think there is such a thing as too much praise. They love the positive attention and do so many new things each day how could you not applaud them all?
But I do believe as they get older, we need to praise when it is justified, not just because they are there and we love them. This concept of "self-esteem" to me is over used and over blown nowadays. Kids get their self-esteem from over coming challenges and becoming successful, indepedent beings- not just because mommy says you are the best every day.
So I am one of the people against an award for every team, a plaque for every little thing they do, etc. In the real world, you certainly aren't going to get appaulded each day just for doing what is expected.
There's my two cents
Oh, and Liza- you can overcome your abusive mom- just keep doing the job you are doing- you are aweseome!
Thank you!!!
Its a favorite topic of mine as well, and I agree with you - thats why I want to make sure I step back before giving Cailen a "your the best dodge ball player on the planet" or whatever....
I want to be a good teacher for him - not blow up his ego - I want to do it right, although, I joke with DH that no matter what I do, he very well may end up the couch regardless complaining about the time mom didn't give him the juice box he wanted....
 Love that last line! So true- no matter what we do, its never perfect
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:25 PM |
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waterspout4
My loves
Member since 5/06 19150 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by monkeybride
At this age, no I don't think so. I think what you're doing is just what he needs. Lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement.
Thank you!!!
But what about as he gets older?
Well, I think you'll begin to understand when to and when not to praise as he gets older. It's not like you'll be praising his poopy in the potty when he's 10.
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:25 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by MST9106
I think at this age you are doing the right thing. When he gets older he'll understand more and you'll be able to talk to him about right and wrong, being a good person and reaching for the stars at the same time.
I'm really proud of you Liza...considering what you went through in your childhood, its amazing to see that you have turned the negative into positive.
Well, I would hate for everything that I went to to not be turned around and think this happened so I can be the best mom I can be for Cailen.
I also did a lot of soul searching before I was even in a relationship. I knew that abused children become abusive parents. Its a long cycle on my mom's side that I promised I personally would break.
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:26 PM |
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CkGm
They get so big, so fast :(
Member since 5/05 13848 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by Ang-Rich
Posted by CkGm
But I do believe as they get older, we need to praise when it is justified, not just because they are there and we love them. This concept of "self-esteem" to me is over used and over blown nowadays. Kids get their self-esteem from over coming challenges and becoming successful, indepedent beings- not just because mommy says you are the best every day.
I agree completely and in my opinion...once they are at that age where their acheivements are personal vs developmental I think that it's important to recognize the attempt over the actual success. When they do well in school I think it's more important to say "I am very proud of how hard you studied for that test" rather than "I am so proud that you got the highest grade."
EXACTLY! ITA!
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:27 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by waterspout4
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by monkeybride
At this age, no I don't think so. I think what you're doing is just what he needs. Lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement.
Thank you!!!
But what about as he gets older?
Well, I think you'll begin to understand when to and when not to praise as he gets older. It's not like you'll be praising his poopy in the potty when he's 10.
I won't? Damn...
Can I at least tell him it smells like flowers? 
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:27 PM |
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waterspout4
My loves
Member since 5/06 19150 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
I'm sure at that age they won't want to hear anything from their mothers. 
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:29 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by waterspout4
I'm sure at that age they won't want to hear anything from their mothers.
Thats what makes it more fun!
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:32 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
I agree with Christine that at a young age, you can't praise too much.
NY Magazine had an excellent article on praising your children & the detriments of the wrong kind of praise.NY Magazine's Article link.
Unfortunately I have seen firsthand how praise can be detrimental. My son, who has always been praised by teachers as being "smart" & "bright", no longer wants to try at things he can possibly fail. We've been pushing the importance of perseverance & trying hard but it's a struggle.
Meanwhile, my daughter will try anything. I truly believe it was because she was praised for "giving it her best".
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:32 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by nrthshgrl
I agree with Christine that at a young age, you can't praise too much.
NY Magazine had an excellent article on praising your children & the detriments of the wrong kind of praise.NY Magazine's Article link.
Unfortunately I have seen firsthand how praise can be detrimental. My son, who has always been praised by teachers as being "smart" & "bright", no longer wants to try at things he can possibly fail. We've been pushing the importance of perseverance & trying hard but it's a struggle.
Meanwhile, my daughter will try anything. I truly believe it was because she was praised for "giving it her best".
Thanks for sharing Barb - I am so sorry your gorgeous little Joseph goes through that - I saw him at your moms the other day and he truly is a beautiful little guy - but its sad to hear he puts himself through that - I wouldn't want to inadvertently do that to Cailen - I know I have a little bit of a perfectionist streak in me, and I once read that an underachiever is actually a lazy perfectionist....
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:39 PM |
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michele31
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3372 total posts
Name:
Michele
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
I think there is a difference between self esteem and an award for every child concept. Self Esteem means that a child who does not win an award still knows that they have worth in the World and a family that loves them. It also means loving themselves- with their flaws.
I believe that I have to praise my children and lift their spirits up. I believe in time-outs but never hitting. My goal is to help Molly understand that even if she does not "win" something she is loved and will overcome the challenges ahead of her.
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:41 PM |
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oops123
LIF Adult
Member since 8/05 2509 total posts
Name:
michelle
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
No...keep doing exactly what youre doing....you are doing a great job as a mom-there should be more moms like you!!!
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:55 PM |
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Re: Sort of a weird question regarding self-esteem
Posted by oops123
No...keep doing exactly what youre doing....you are doing a great job as a mom-there should be more moms like you!!!
Thank you! I always like to think there is more I can do!!!!
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| Posted 3/5/08 3:56 PM |
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