SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

Sorry, ladies, I don't know exactly where to go with this, so please let me vent here, and of course any insight would be appreciated.

When we told the kids that I was pregnant, SD took it well, but SS took it hard and acted like a spoiled, jealous child - he is 18, so in my book it is unacceptable. He actually told DH that he hoped we would have a boy because he just lost him as a son. After 2 days of drama, he finally apoligized to DH (not me) and said he doesn't know why he reacted like that, blah, blah, blah. Two months later he came to the house for the sweet sixteen party we threw for SD. He was nice enough and I even showed him the sonogram pics. He seemed ok and was even asking questions about the name and stuff. He came to the house 1 time after that to use the pool with his GF and we all got along fine. I had the baby on the 17th. He didn't come to the hospital. In twelve days, he has not come to see the baby, and as far as I know (not that DH volenteers any info) he hasn't even asked about him (although he has been to the house to ask for $$ from DH). I am starting to get a bit angry now and even a bit resentful towards SS. Maybe it is not right, but that is how I am starting to feel. It is getting to the point where now I don't even want him around DS. I don't know what to do with these feelings and I don't want to stress poor DH out about them ~ He already feels like he leads two seperate lives sometimes. I don't want to "force" any type of relationship, I just think his behavior is totally wrong and that 18 he should know how to act better. Should I address this in some way? If so, how do I address it? I don't want to wind up hating him over this, because this is his 1/2 brother and I guess they should have a relationship eventually.


Let me just add that since I have had my DS, SD has been caring, attentive, helpful and very respectful. She has really stepped up maturity wize, way more than I expected her to. Many kudos to her

**UPDATE~

I called DH last night at @ 5:30 to see when he was leaving work. He told me he was already by his kids' house and would be home soon, but he had to have a "talk" with his son. I figured it had to do with something about his poor behavior at work. Well, Dh came home an hour later with SD and says that SS might be coming over later. Fine. Whatever. I kept my mouth shut. SS decides to grace us with his presence 2 hrs later. I was sitting on the couch with DS. He was napping because he just finished eating. SS comes in and is hanging around the house in the kitchen but won't come over to the den where I am. DH told him to come over 3x. Finally, after about 1/2 hr he did. He stands over (behind) me to look at the baby. DH says to him out loud, "hey, how about saying congrats to Dina, blah, blah" He just stands there and finally opens his mouth to say, "I don't know why people think that babies are so cute, I don't think so" and proceeds to walk away He didn't ask to hold him or anything, and I didn't volenteer, because quite honestly, I don't know if I trust him and his anger/jealousy issues 100%. He stayed and ate the beautiful dinner (that I prepared for an hour and a half) with SD and DH. I was holding the baby, and quite honestly hade no desire to join them at the table. He left 1/2 hr after dinner. Mind you the entire time he was there, he did not say 1 single word to me at all. Not even hello. I really hate this. Why should I accept being treated like this at all, let alone in my own home? I was so upset and exhausted physically and mentally, I didn't even say anything to DH. I am so sick of this, really. Grow up already!

Message edited 10/2/2008 9:37:10 AM.

Re: SS and new baby

I was just thinking of you this morning and was going to FM you today to see how things were going.

I think that it's very unfortunate that SS is behaving like that. I really don't know what to say but I guess give him the time and space to come around on his own terms. Like you, I think I would be angry also. Maybe try reaching out to him and inviting him over to see the baby? I know that's the total opposite of what I initially said but maybe he wants your okay to come and see the baby? I don't know. Has DH noticed this at all?

Message edited 9/29/2008 2:18:46 PM.

Re: SS and new baby

I don't have much advice on that one - but wanted to offer you ...Hopefully, this is a quick phase with SS (and 18 is a bit old for phases) and that he comes around on his own- or maybe with some help from your DH to find out why he is reacting the way he is

Re: SS and new baby

Maybe he feels he is being replaced by the baby? You would be surprised how children can feel when their parents have a child outside of their "family". Even though he is 18, he is still your DH's child and may feel jealous. Can your DH talk to him? Maybe you can try to make time to talk to him. I remember when my brother was about 16 or 17, he started acting out & was jealous when my sister had a baby & my parents were all wrapped up in their first grandchild & he felt left out. Yes, it passed, but it took time for him to adjust. I think my SD (age 17) feels a little jealous of my DD (with her dad). I try to make as much time as I can with her like I used to, just to let her know that she isn't being pushed aside or replaced by the baby.

Re: SS and new baby

maybe hes feel like left out

Re: SS and new baby

i haven't had this happen to us yet so i really can't offer any advice but i will say that you have a ton of strength to be going through it. i hope that ss realizes that he too is part of your family and starts to see how precious his new brother is. good luck to you!!

Re: SS and new baby

Is he close to his sister (SD)? Do they have a good relationship are they close? I know some siblings arent close, which I cant imagine cause I am so close to my sister. So if he is like that with his sister, than maybe cause your son is a baby he doesnt really feel connected. I would tell DH to make him more involved and talk to him, cause that is his brother and he should always look out for his siblings especially since he is the eldest. Sorry you are hurting - enjoy your new baby, he is an adult and sometimes you cant force ppl.

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

bump for update

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

Are you kidding? That is so rude! When he made that comment about babies not being cute, did DH say something? I would have freaked out. Good for you for maintaining your composure. He is waaay too old to be acting like such a baby. Does he think he's 5? If he has issues, take them up with dad. He should not take his anger out on a poor baby and a SM who is good to him. That's BS. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

Just try to be patient with him & try to treat him like he were your own son & help him accept his new family. 18 may be "legally" an adult but most 18 years olds are far from it - his age means nothing, it seems like he has emotions he needs to deal with (hopefully with your help & your DH's help). I wish you all the best with this.

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

I agree that he is a little too old to be acting that way....but truth of the matter is he is having a difficult time accepting the new baby b/c he is feeling replaced. Hopefully he will come to love his little brother. But this is truly something that only time can tell.

In the meantime just ignore the behaviour as much as possible. (As difficult as it must be) He'll come around eventually.

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

What a SPOILED, SELFISH LITTLE BRAT!!!! How DARE HE??!?!? I am so angry for you, I can't even imagine how hurt you must be. I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I don't really have advice because i've never been in this situation but I would try to reach out to SS on my own. Maybe call him and ask him to meet you for lunch without the baby and see if you can explain to him that you want to have a relationship to him? Maybe ask him what exactly is making him feel this way. I would address it in a friendly manner and not as a stepmother which may make him pull away.

Keep us updated and feel free to cry and vent here. It's ok to be hurt and upset, anyone would be. How disappointing.

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

I have a question...what was your relationship like with him before the baby? I understand what everyone is saying about making him feel like he is not being replaced but sometimes it is tough after you have done everything you can. I have tried everything with my SD and nothing seems to work.

His behavior is plain rude aside from the fact of him maybe feeling "replaced" there still is no excuse for being rude -especially at 18.

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

I totally know what you are going through. I have had the same exact problems with my SD. Although we have not had a child yet. I have tried everything to have a relationship with her and make her feel loved and that we are family, made her part of our wedding,etc. and things just keep getting worse with her as well (and DH relationship with her too is not good) It started out really well, but for some reason she too pulled back...we think it is her mom feeding negativity.

I know it is hard for us stepparents.

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

He's 18 - he's an adult. You can't change him. And do you want a negative adult around DC???? I wouldn't. I know its hard, but tell him that if he wants a relationship with his brother, make the effort. If not, don't. But be consistent so he doesn't confuse your child.

I'm so sorry

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

Hence why in our situations it's so important our kids know that these are "only" half sibblings. They are visitors and in our cases jealous, self centered boys who are far from any kind of sibbling relationship - if it's different for some on here - then kudos your lucky, but often especially I think with boys b/c they don't talk about their feelings they just shut down and someone is "stealing" the daddy they lost. But who has time for a "pity party".

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would tell DH that he should spend all the time he wants with your SS alone, but that you don't want him around. He's hurtful to you and he will take it out on the baby. I don't care about the "poor little package" that came with your husband (so sick of this crap on here)... this is the reality for so many of us. If your DH wants to be with his son - let him, but not around you or the baby - and NEVER let him around the baby alone. Don't go to the bathroom without your DS when this kid is around. I don't care how rediculous people on here will say I am - but jealousy is a deep emotion. Make sure if you have to have him around that you have family of your own with you at the same time. This is what I do. SS is never here without my mom or sister. He clearly has no problem verbalizing his dismay for his HALF "brother", so just try to keep this boy at bay - 18? Sounds like he's 3. Therapy??? Actually spending time alone with daddy is a good thing. Lets them get what they need and life can be fairly drama-free. I highly recommend it

Okay - flame away...

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED

I am not a step-parent, but I am a step-child with 5 step-siblings, so maybe I can offer a little insight into that relationship.

I would never wish being a step-child on anyone. It is the hardest thing for a kid to handle. Especially when both parents have moved on to have other families, the child/ren, never feel like they fit anywhere.

I am not saying that it is okay that he ignored your child, because to you it is your child and deserves everyones love, and that is totally true. I am just saying that your child probably feels more like a stranger to him than a sibling right now. I think if you just give him time, and as much sincere understanding as you can, he will really surprise you.

I totally disagree with the PP who said to keep your baby away from him. That will only cause friction in your marriage, and jealousy between your shared children and his.

I love my HALF brother as much as I love my own son. I cannot imagine my life without him. I would never take back my parents divorce only because of him. He may only be my HALF brother but I love him 100%. I also have 4 other step-siblings who are like strangers, but I wish they were not.

All relationships take work. I think in the end it is worth the effort.

I wish your family all the best.

Re: SS and new baby ~ UPDATED