The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

I have started to notice with some of the kids in DD's kindergarten class that they leave very different lives to my 5 year old.

For example. DD's BF at school is the youngest of three - her sisters are teenagers. She is never taken to the park, any festivals that are going on locally, the childrens musuem, the swimming pool, the library etc etc....all the things that we take our 5 year old to and a few times I have mentioned to the mom that we will be at such and such a place after school or on the weekends and the mom says "oh we will be at a game for the older girl etc etc " or usually she answers with an eye roll and says "been there, dont that, not doing it again" and it makes me so sad for the little one because she is only 5 and I think it just sucks that her parents are too worn down and "bored" to take her to these places.

Another kid in her class is the fourth child and same thing - the mom is so overwhelmed with doing things with the older three that the fourth gets left behind.

Its really bothering me at the moment as I am thinking about having a third child and while I know I would never do this it makes me wonder does three kids overwhelm you so much that one kid gets left behind?

Thoughts? any one with 3 or more like to give me the other side of the coin and show me that this is not the standard in families of three or more kids.

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

I have 3 - 9,6 and 2... Both older boys play sports - does the little guy get "dragged around" - yes - he also gets to run, play and have fun with lots of different kids - we make the most of the older DS's practices - they play in the park while he practices, and when we are at some place without a park they interact with all the other kids who are there - I probably would never be out with a 2 YO in the fall on a week night otherwise. We do lots of family things and gear it toward all age groups. Disney was seen from the perspective of a 2 YO and a 9YO and a 6 YO. We go places, we do things, we have a great time as a family. Both my DH and I work FT, and we make the most of our time with the Boys.

Somehow, it truely all works out!

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

I'm a mom of three and I think that it definitely depends on the individual family. We have 3 years between our kids and still do all the same things (or some different things too) that we did for our eldest. And yes, sometimes he has to suck it up and go to something he might feel he is too old for but in the end, we are together as a family and that is what matters. My daughter does often have to go to the older boys sports but she actually enjoys it and we usually end up taking all of them to the playground after anyway. We go to all the fairs still (oldest is 8 and youngest is 2) so maybe I will feel differently when she is 5 and my oldest is 11 but probably not. We love our family time together and in the end it doesn't really matter what we do or where we go as they all end up enjoying it.

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

I have three, but there is no large age-gap. There are only five years between #s 1 and 3, so I don't have the experience that you're describing. Anecdotally though, I can contrast two families whose children are now grown.

The first is one of my BFFs. She is the youngest of four. I think there's six or seven years between her and her next oldest sibling. She never went to the circus, she never learned to ride a bike and she never learned to swim. She doesn't even have a middle name for crying out loud! All of her other siblings did all this.

Then there's my DH. He's the youngest of three sons. His brothers are nine and twelve years older. His mom was overjoyed to have a baby back in the family after so long and his brothers loved having a little one. He was known as "Baby Peter" for years longer than appropriate. He traveled all around with his parents to places like Mexico, Hawaii and several European countries...all things my ILs didn't have the time or money to do when the older boys were little. He is almost 40 now and his mother remembers lovingly and in exact detail ( ) all the arts and crafts they did and all the parties they had for him and all the places they loved to take him.

So, from these and other examples I know of I've come to the conclusion it all boils down to the parents and siblings involved...l

PS...I also saw your post on Parenting about "Moms of 3." Someone asked pretty much the exact same question this morning. I'll bump it up and give you my answer as well...

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

It is absolutely dependent on the parents.

We are very outdoorsy people. We don't do organized sports or anything like that, but we are always hiking, camping, fishing, at the beach, etc. Those things are fun for the whole family... not just the oldest, youngest, etc. With very few exceptions, we make sure that family outings are for the entire family.

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

I don't have kids, but I am "the third child," so I thought perhaps my take would be useful. There's also a large age gap between my brothers and me...we are 25, 35, and 37.

My parents took me to all the festivals, carnivals, play dates, enrolled me in sports, clubs, and did all of the things that they did with my brothers. It absolutely, IMHO, depends on the family.

Message edited 10/7/2011 5:05:30 PM.

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

My kids are 5 years apart. My youngest has to go everywhere with us so if it is for his sister, he will have to go if both of us go.

My dd is old enough to stay home alone though so she doesn't have to go with us all the time and we are able to do things with our ds that we did with her when she was younger.

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

My youngest is in K and he's been a tagalong on many things. He's starting to get his own things going but really - when they get older, their friend relationships get stronger (or more real), their extracurricular things get more demanding, so it's sort of hard to not make the 3rd have to go along until he gets older. I give him a few years and his stuff will be more intensified Im sure. I try not to feel bad about it, we can't treat all our kids like we did our firstborn when the sun rose & set on their sole existence. Of course I did more for my oldest, got to know more of the parents, got to not worry about schedule conflicts since the others didn't have a schedule (or werent born). I do try my best to always make him feel important, the relationship is not just about how many things you can do with them. And I always say - never say never till you've been there. Some things are a live and learn experience. ie, if I knew that a program was not run well based on prior experience but is highly promoted in my area therefore #3 has heard about it, why would I sign him up, knowing it is lacking? That's just an example but sometimes the BTDT attitude isn't just about being too bored to do stuff with them. It's very subjective IMO. And lastly, if you really want to have another child, you shouldn't let that stop you - there are many ways a child could be worse off. Lots of families that do the things you mentioned end up being very happy and the kids don't feel "left behind". Don't forget, your perception of it may not be everyone's experience.

HTH

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

My boys are 8 (9 next month) and 15 months. The baby gets brought to practice and games. He gets to run around outside, play with the other little kids there. He has a good time.

We still take the boys out. We go to parks, we go to festivals and fairs. I honestly think it depends on the family. I know that my DH and I love going to these places and love taking the boys to all different things. We go to the same places we brought our older DS to. He enjoys going to these place with his baby brother.

Re: The Third Child....or kids with large age gaps

I really think it depends on the family. I do know of some large families where the parents are so exhausted by the time the youngest child comes along. But I have also seen the exact opposite---where the 3rd or 4th child is seen as such a blessing and has all they would ever want and more. So I do think that it really depends on the family.

I do also think that we have to look at things through this other family's perspective. Every family has different priorities and finds different things fun. My family is all about carnivals, festivals, going to the farm to do various fruit/veggie pickings, playdates and all of that. Right now we only have our one daughter.

But I am sure there is plenty of fun to be had by those younger siblings also, who are on the sidelines watching their older sibs play. They are hanging out with the members of their family and also getting to know a lot of community members and other kids their age at the same time. I am sure that it is a fun experience for them. It might not be all that bad!

In my family, my parents had 5 kids. My sister was born 10 years after I was...after I was the youngest for 10 years! She ended up having the greatest life! She had all of these older siblings looking out for her and enjoying watching her grow up. We all had licenses when she was pretty young, and so we'd take her places that my parents weren't able to take her because of work and stuff. And when my parents were in their 50s and more comfortable financially, they were able to travel a lot and so she went with them. Disney twice a year, cruises, Hawaii, Portugual, my sister has done many things that we were never able to do!

So it isn't always all that bad!