Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Well, I first want to formally introduce myself to this board. My name is Leslie and I've been a member of LIF since last summer. I don't get to post often since the birth of my son. Prior to that, I posted mainly on the pregnancy board. I was also a member of LIW. My son's name is Lucas and he'll be 3 months old on 4/10. He has gotten so big since birth (he was born 5 weeks prematurely) and is doing great (give or take a few tummy problems)!

Anyway, I have a hard time dealing with the unsolicited advice I get from people, especially when it comes from family. I am trying so hard to be the best Mom I can possibly be, and I know everything is a learning experience. Lucas has had some rough weeks recently due to constipation and discomfort as a result, and it has been tough on all of us. As I'm sure all of you know, it's really tough when you feel helpless because you can't make your child feel better, no matter what you try. I've broken down crying several times because I just didn't know how to help him. I switched to soy formula yesterday and so far so good so maybe that will help relieve some of the discomfort for him.

So I'm at dinner last night and I mention that I've been devoting all my time to Lucas and I haven't had much time to clean, eat, shower,etc. My aunt tells me "tough sh*t" and that I need to get "more organized". ***? I barely have time to breathe during the day with a newborn, especially a crying one, and I need to get more organized? This is coming from the woman whose son was a colicky baby and cried for 20 hours a day, and I know for a fact she didn't handle it well at the time! So my aunt felt it was okay to shoot me down, and then added how important family was because they can help me out so much. Not ONE of my family members offered to help me out last night when Lucas was crying (it was for Passover and we were all at my Mom's house). They sat and stared and then had the nerve to ask why I wasn't coming downstairs to finish my dinner! My DH and I spent the whole night in a bedroom trying to soothe Lucas.

I know I shouldn't let these things get to me, but I do. In Babies R Us the other day, I approached a pair of Moms buying sippy cups, and I asked them if they had ever used a bottle warmer (they were on the shelf in front of us), and if it was a waste of money (I normally let the bottles heat up in a cup of warm water). One of the Moms turned to me and said"I've NEVER used bottles so I couldn't tell you." It was the way she said it that really pizzed me off. I just don't understand why people, especially Moms, can't be more supportive of each other? Is there really a need for the judgmental snappy comments? I would NEVER treat anyone that way! Just wanted to vent. And by the way, you guys have always been great when I seeked advice, so I'm not referring to you ! I hope I can be there for you in the future as well!

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Welcome...

I agree with you; I don't know why others have to be so judgemental especially other moms.

With moms, I sometimes think it stems from insecurities and a need to "compete" to be perceived as better. JMO.

Don't let other people get you down.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

I feel for you!!!! Don't listen to your aunt, that's nuts. I love how people forget how hard it really was. Coming from someone who does remember (since it wasn't too long ago), you are doing absolutely the right thing. Everything else can wait, you take care of the baby and that's what is important. Believe me, many loads of wash and dishes went undone for a long time until everything settled down. You are doing just fine!

And that lady in B R Us, well, I won't say what I think of her! Just say she's not someone who's worth the time or effort to be upset over.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

It's so hard not to take peoples comments to heart...but you know you are doing the best you can and you definitely have your priorities straight and what more can your baby ask of you then that?!? In the end, that is really what matters is that we do right by THEM, no one else Seems people will always have SOMETHING to say, I'm sorry your family is not being supportive.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Thank you! I was really upset about this today, and started to second guess myself and what I was doing, thinking I must be doing something wrong. My main priority right now is my son and of course my DH and dog. I hate the fact that my house is cluttered and I have a gazillion things that need to get done. This has been my only "down" time in a very long time, I normally go days without going on the computer. I try to do things gradually, like laundry one day, bathroom the next, etc., but it is definitely hard sometimes. My DH helps out as much as he can but he's exhausted too after a full day of work. Some days I don't even really get to eat a full meal until my DH comes home from work! And I still have a ton of thank you cards to write for presents I received after the birth of my son...I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to finish those.

When I asked my aunt for advice on how to get "more organized," she had none to give me. It's interesting how some people have their opinions but no real helpful advice to give!

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

I get unsolicited advice all the time but I snap back at it bc it does bother me and I am not listening to it. So if someone says I am not doing it right, I say its the way i want to do it. If they then continue I figure let them look like a fool...we can do this all day if we must.
Also the BRU was funny bc I also figured "mothers helping mothers". I was in a store and in the baby shampoo aisle. i asked the woman wear baby vapor was in this aisle or with diapers. she looked at me with this "eat sh#t face. now I ask you girls or I find it myself...HAHA

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

You didn't ask for any advice, but, here comes some anyway. First, you are doing a GREAT job. It is hard enough when you have a baby who doesn't have any medical complications. When you add those in, it becomes twice as hard. You just keep on doing what you are doing. Second, I will tell you what I told my daughter. When you have a baby everyone and their brother has an opinion on what you should do and how you should do it. Listen politely, say thank you and then do exactly what you want. You and ONLY you knows what is best for your child and it seems to me that you have a good handle on everything. Opinions are like a**es. Everyone has one. Third, learn to turn a deaf ear to hurtful people. Your aunt was out of line as was the woman in BRU (just ONCE I would love to have someone like this say something to me). Fourth, don't worry about the house. It will get cleaned, when it gets cleaned. It's not like you're living in toxic waste. Clutter never killed anyone.

You're right. Parenting is a learning experience. You learn as you go. You'll make some mistakes, but, you will do a great deal of it right. It seems to me, you've already doing it the right way. What anyone else says or thinks doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

You're doing the best you can. DS didn't have mediacal problems bt he was borderling colicky, so I know what it's like to spend hours trying to console a baby. As far as everyone's "advice" goes, don't take it to heart at all. They don't live with your baby, you do. And you have to do whatever is easiest/best to make your every day as easy as it can be.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Welcome!

I hate it when people have to give their stupid and unwanted comments and advice. So annoying! I've been there and i'm still getting them myself. I love it when they tell you what you should be doing with your child when they don't them like you do.

Some hugs for ya...
and know that we are here for you and won't judge you.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Welcome!
As another poster said, you just have to turn a deaf ear to unwanted advice or comments.
It is very hard in the beginning, specially if you don't have someone helping you all the time. It will get better, just know that! Soon your baby will be able to entertain himself for some time or take long naps and this will give you time to do the things that need to get done. For now, just do what you can and whenever possible rest because a happy, rested mommy makes things a lot easier.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

i'm sorry this happened to you. women can be so mean sometimes. you are doing the best you can and your priorities are in order - that's what counts? can you get a babysitter even if its just for an hour or 2 to help while you take care of some things

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

First of all , welcome!

I know firsthand how hard it is to deal with a difficult newborn, as so many of us here do. And NOTHING is worse than when you are at your wits end trying to figure out how to make your DC feel better, only to get unsolicited 'advice' and nasty comments from family members or friends that only make you feel more sh*tty about yourself. I have to tell you, that my DS is now almost 6 months old and it's only been within the past few weeks that I actually feel like ME again and I feel like my house is back to normal , I can actually get things done and I can actually manage my life better. The first 3 months my son had a combinatio of colic/reflux and other isssues that made him (and me) miserable most days. There was no way I could think about cleaning, cooking, doing ANYTHING but take care of him without us both going crazy. If someone had said to me what your aunt said to you, I might have went OFF!

As for other Mom's.. well that's why you need to stick to this board, since I have found nothing but support here

I hope that you know that you are doing a great job and if you ever need reassurance , just look at your child's face when he smiles and you'll know that you are doing the best job of all in raising your beautiful son..and he'll never know the difference if you havent cleaned the house or cooked that day, because he is happy & loved!!

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Welcome! I think people are selfish sometimes. Your baby is going through a rough time, but you all will get through it! Don't worry so much about the cleaning and "getting organized"...that's crap. While I was on maternity leave I barely lifted a finger. My house was a mess and I was lucky if I got out of my pajames. Things actually fell into place once I went back to work. In time, you will have it all under control! Hang in there!

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Omg you guys are making me cry...but in a good way. It's so nice to know that I have support here and that I'm not alone. Thanks again for all of your kind words and reassurance!

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Moms definately need to support each other...For that matter women need to support each other with less judgement. We are all just doing the best we can.

Sorry you have had such bad experiences lately with such rude people. Feel good knowing that you are doing your best and that's definately good enough. It will get easier.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

Welcome to the board...like all the other mommies said...it is the toughest job you'll ever love. Use this board for support and venting when you need to

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

I can definitely relate. Keep a tough upper lip and try not to let the bad stuff inside.

My baby has a very sensitive tummy. If the soy formula doesn't work, try Nestle Good Start. It's the only thing that didn't constipate DD. Soy was my next step if Good Start didn't work.

Every baby is different. You are the best person to judge what your baby needs. Suggestions are different from judgments. Take the suggestions in, filter out what you like and what you don't, and ignore the judgments. They are more a statement about the person issuing them than the person to whom they are issued.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

dont listen to people - u r doing the best u can and that is all that matters. A crying newborn is not easy as we all know!!!!

i hope the change in formula helps the tummy issues!!!

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

First of all, you sound like a wonderful mommy. You are doing the best you can to soothe and comfort your baby.
The baby is your #1 priority right now, everything else comes in last. So what if your house is a little messy, or the laundry is piling up, or maybe theres dishes in the sink, it doesn't matter.
We all know how it is to care for a newborn and when you add in extra care due to colic or reflux, well, its even harder! Don't get down on yourself and don't listen to other peoples negative comments. Turn a deaf ear if you can.

I can't believe no one in your family can sympathize to what you are going thru, thats just awful. I feel really bad about that.



As for the woman in Babies R Us, well thats just plain nastiness, I could never talk to someone like that. I find that there are more helpful mommys than there aren't - you just happen to find the mean one in the bunch!

Stick with us.....

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

It is tough being a new mom, as DC gets older you will find juggling everything will get much easier.

Re: Wanted to formally introduce myself...and judgmental people vent

I want to punch your aunt in the face. How annoying and rude is she?
I have had a really tough time with my family since I had Maddy . She's 14 months now, but in the beginning I was a mess. NO ONE offered to help, no one said " You're doing a great job"... they were all like " Why don't you come visit?( they live 3hours away)"- UM b/c I am a complete basketcase that can't even leave the room w/o freaking out. No one said" I'll take the baby so you can sleep tonight" I am obvisouly still bitter about it.
Anyway, about your son- have they ruled out a milk allergy ? Maddy had a lot of tummy trouble in the first few weeks, and it was horrible. We figured out she had a milk allergy and switched to Nutramigen. $$$, but it did the job. She's still allergic to milk, we give her soymilk now.

Good luck. Everyone says this, but its true" It gets easier" I promise