Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

We had a conversation with my dad over the weekend about what was the most influential way to get through to your child.

He mentioned some show he watched on a tribe or India or Buddhism (I wasn't paying fulll attetion at the time because I didn't realize how important it would be to me later). He said that when someone in the tribe or town commits a crime or does something "bad", all of the villagers make a circle around the person. Everyone goes around the circle & says something nice about the person. It has to be true & cannot be embellished. It goes on for days until the elder believes they have shown the person their good side again.

He likened it to how much overhearing being spoken about influenced him as a child. My grandmother was loving to both him & his brother. However, being raised by parents who shared the Aryan race as an ideal, she was a bigot. She caused an uproar when she married my grandfather who was half German, half Italian. When she had her first child, he was blond-haired, blue-eyed. Her parents & grandparents thanked God & praised her for not having a "guniea baby". Her next child (my dad), had brown hair & brown eyes. It didn't go over well with the grandparents. "Behind his back" he was referred to as the guinea baby, greasy, any slur for Italian or unclean. "Behind his back" is in quotes beause what happened is he overheard it - often. Even though he was straight As, class president & full scholarship to RPI, he could not escape the feeling of being that kid.

I'm throwing this out there because he said "the words a child overhears weigh more on him than what is said to him directly". It's true if you think about 3rd party compliments. If someone says you're beautiful, it's very flattering. If you overhear someone say you're beautiful, you give it more weight in your mind.

I've posted the NY Magazine article about overpraising is detrimental & how praising effort & hard work encourages children more than praising a child for "being smart".

Consider this as you talk on the phone or have playdates or GTGs. I know my kids have overheard me talking about them & there are plenty of times when they are listening & I'm not aware of it (how else did they did they pick up things like "Oh crap!"?). I've heard mothers say things like "ugh. She is so bad today." or "My younger one is a devil." I'm guilty of it myself.

If there is ever a time in your life to look on the bright side, it is when you are raising a child. I gave a lot of thought to how Joseph stepped up his efforts after overhearing DH & I talking about how great his behavior has been.

Just something to think about.

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

I totally feel that the comments said behind the childs back weigh much more on the child than the ones said to them. When i child hears someone the love talk about them in a negative way even in just a kidding tone behind their back it hurts alot. Its something to keep in mind as my child gets older that i must be aware of and not take lightly.

eta: my moms family was swedish and dutch and my father is Italian.. her family was soo not happy when she married him and us grandkids knew we were not excepted like my uncles kids were.. we were considered the "dirty" kids... which was horrible.. well now my mom has passed on and we no longer keep in touch with her side.

Message edited 8/8/2008 11:31:08 AM.

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

What you said is so true. Thank you for posting this.

Also can you tell me where I can find the NY times article you refrered to I am very interested in reading it.

TIA

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

thank you for posting this...I do need to keep this in mind as my daughter gets older.

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Wow, thanks for posting...Something to keep in mind!!!

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Very insightful. I think you have some great points and I will read the article you linked. As a high school teacher, I have seen this idea very often. I have even made an effort to tell students when something nice was said about them in the faculty room or on hall duty (not betraying the confidence of my colleagues, of course). I also remember with vivid detail a few times I heard a nasty uncle of mine make comments about my weight when I was a child. Those comments stung so hard and impacted me so much, even though they were not said to me. I also think you raise an interesting point about overhearing at playdates. I feel like when I was a child and parents were talking, they would often pull the "adult conversation" card. I feel like this rarely happens. I have been to so many gtgs with friends and was appalled that they let their children sit with them or play near them when talking about clearly adult things. I will have to keep this in mind as my little one gets older. THanks!

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

funny you should post this- i just was reading happiest toddler on the block last night and he was saying how "gossip" praise worked wonders- basically gossip loud enough for child to hear about how you like when he does something...

like earlier today- maddie told me she pooped in her diaper- and I said to my DH in a sort of whisper, loud enough for DD to hear, "maddie told me she pooped- she's such a big girl- I like it when she tells me she poopeed"

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Thank you so much for posting that. I don't think we always remember just how influential we are on our children and how our comments about them, even if they're not meant they way they sound, can affect them. Very good reminder.

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Bumping because I came across an old post & thought some may find it helpful.

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

wow. needed this.
thanks!

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

this is great, thank you

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

thank you for bumping! you made some very valid points!!!

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

This was definitely helpful to read so thanks for bumping!

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Thank you for sharing!

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

This is why I love you Barb!! Seriously, you have a way of sharing your life/experiences and helping to make mine better (or at least help me to strive to be better )


Oh wait, should I have been telling this to Janice but in front of you

Thanks

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

I guess I should stop joking around with my friends that Alex is the smartarse of all smartarse's huh?

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

great post and very true. I can think back to being a child and remember many conversations that I overheard. Good and Bad.

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Posted by Little-J-Mommy

Oh wait, should I have been telling this to Janice but in front of you

Thanks

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Bumping. Just got a good reminder as to what my kids have overheard so in case anyone new was interested in it, here it is.

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Thank you! I must have missed this the first two times, but it is excellent advice.

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Thanks!

Re: Ways to influence your child (sorry, long!)

Great thread