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When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
Your DH, or your father?
Yesterday was father's day, and also our 1st year anniversary - our anniversary won't fall on father's day again(or if it does - it will take a long time...) so it was a special day.
We were supposed to go away but my cat is sick and I didn't want to leave him, so we stayed home. I made tentative plans with my stepmom for father's day that we may come over. then DH said he wanted to go out to dinner for father's day and the girls (my stepdaughters, ages 16 and 10 ) will stay home with Cailen, so I told my stepmom that we wouldn't be able to come over for dinner, but might stop by
so Sunday comes. We go out to brunch with some friends in Northport, then hang out in town. Cailen loves lying on a blanket under a tree, so we pretty much spent the day that way. I had my cell phone on me, and called my parents and left a msg on the answering machine. We never heard back from them, so we stayed and chilled until Cailen blasted a poop through his outfit  I changed him (thank GOD for that emergency bag I keep in the car) Then we took the girls for ice cream and headed home
By the time we got home, it was 3 something. I noticed a msg on my home phone from my stepmom - she NEVER calls me on my home phone - always on my cell, especially when she wants to get in touch with me... I didn't notice the msg until 4:30. I called her back, and said we would try to stop by.
Then DH and I thought realistically. Get Cailen ready, put him in the car seat, and drive from Northoprt to Lloyd Harbor. Then drive back to Northport, set the girls up with Cailen, and go out to dinner. Then go home and get the girls and drive them to Plainview. All on a Sunday night. I opted to not go to my dad's because it would have been too much, and we really wanted to celebrate our 1st yr anniversary.
So I called. My stepmom starts yelling at me - do whatever the F you want, your father has been waiting all Fing day for you to come over... etc etc." I told her I had my cell on me (and didnt even want to get into the countless, countless, countless times I waited and waited for my dad to call me back about doing something, and how many hours I wasted crying about him not including me and my family in his plans...)
He got on the phone and seemed ok with it. He told me he had presents for us (for fathers day and anniversary) I explained we could always have lunch this week if he wanted...
Was I being selfish? I feel guilty, of course, but its so hard. I am torn in so many different directions, and this is the 1st time I chose DH and my own family over my dad and stepmom, who will always be mad at me about something anyway. This has caused a rift between me and my dad, but he never does anything about it, and I think I just wanted to have a nice relaxing day with DH and the kids and just enjoy ourselves....
What do you ladies do when you have to choose?
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Posted 6/18/07 7:53 AM  |
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
I sdhould also add that DH does not feel comfortable with my stepmom AT all. All through our wedding planning last year, she consistently bashed his parents relentlessly for not contributing to the wedding. These are people who really live on a limited budget and couldnt afford to help pay for the wedding, but my stepmom said awful things about them, and I think DH has trouble handling that, as I would as well - they are such good people....
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| Posted 6/18/07 7:57 AM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
My dad and FIL don't live near here, so DH comes first. However, my dad and I are trying to mend a VERY damaged relationship. If I were in your shoes and had I known that I had a lot going on that day, I would have skipped brunch with friends and spent the time with my dad and then the rest of the day with DH and dc/step dc. Sorry, I'm sure that's not the answer you are looking for.
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| Posted 6/18/07 7:59 AM |
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partyof6
b nice like u want ur kidz 2
Member since 7/06 7752 total posts
Name:
jeannine
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
this is sometihng I cant answer. My dad is a work=aholic. He has never been to my house or anything. I have been here seven years. So..its dh. My dad has a illness. Its the way it is..
U on the other hand ..do not feel guilty..she played u. She called the house because u were not home and said that because she knew it was not easy for u to come over.
SHe wanted u to feel like crap and did.
You dad was fine with it..
tell the stepmonster enough is enough and u are not playing into her games anymore, and don't!
You waited around all day to go on the boat too and she didn't feel damn guilty. be-yotch.
Where does she live? i will take care of her
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| Posted 6/18/07 7:59 AM |
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Calla
My girls
Member since 7/05 4303 total posts
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
I don't think this was choosing between them -- I think this was dropping the ball. Did your answering machine message say "Call me on my cell phone to coordinate, we won't be home!" If not, I think that you share some of the responsibility for the plans not working out. Making tentative plans with your dad for father's day and not following through is a big oops (forgiveable, but I can understand him being excited to see you and then hurt).
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:00 AM |
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
Posted by CathyB
My dad and FIL don't live near here, so DH comes first. However, my dad and I are trying to mend a VERY damaged relationship. If I were in your shoes and had I known that I had a lot going on that day, I would have skipped brunch with friends and spent the time with my dad and then the rest of the day with DH and dc/step dc. Sorry, I'm sure that's not the answer you are looking for.
Hmmm - ggod point, but DH was looking forward to brunch with his daughters. The friends coming were last minute. I wasn't going to take that away from him to go over to my parents. If I went by myself, then he wouldn't have had that time with me. He wanted that time with the family, and then the day sort of happened... If my parents called earlier or answered when I called, I would have come home earlier and headed over.... So thats a good idea, but it wouldnt have worked out either....
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:03 AM |
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
Posted by Calla
I don't think this was choosing between them -- I think this was dropping the ball. Did your answering machine message say "Call me on my cell phone to coordinate, we won't be home!" If not, I think that you share some of the responsibility for the plans not working out. Making tentative plans with your dad for father's day and not following through is a big oops (forgiveable, but I can understand him being excited to see you and then hurt).
Thats the thing - we are always around, and he rarely makes plans with us.... I would never have thought of leaving a message like that on my home phone because they never call my home phone exclusively. Ever. We are never home on the weekends... I don't know. I think most ladies on here (except for a few) have good relationships with their dads, and are able to atlk to them and have a normal relationship. This is such a tense, sad situation all around... So it stems deeper than standing up dad on father's day...
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:06 AM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Hmmm - ggod point, but DH was looking forward to brunch with his daughters. The friends coming were last minute. I wasn't going to take that away from him to go over to my parents. If I went by myself, then he wouldn't have had that time with me. He wanted that time with the family, and then the day sort of happened... If my parents called earlier or answered when I called, I would have come home earlier and headed over.... So thats a good idea, but it wouldnt have worked out either....
I guess what I'm saying is that coming from an extremely similar situation as yours (my step mother kept my dad away from me except once during high school, once during college and then not again until my wedding, and then not again until my daughter's christening, so 4 whole times in over a decade) I would have made the effort to work the schedule out to make both DH & my dad happy. Honestly, I think you were using this to get back at your dad for the boating incident. Which believe me, I totally understand and can relate to.
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:10 AM |
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
Posted by CathyB
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Hmmm - ggod point, but DH was looking forward to brunch with his daughters. The friends coming were last minute. I wasn't going to take that away from him to go over to my parents. If I went by myself, then he wouldn't have had that time with me. He wanted that time with the family, and then the day sort of happened... If my parents called earlier or answered when I called, I would have come home earlier and headed over.... So thats a good idea, but it wouldnt have worked out either....
I guess what I'm saying is that coming from an extremely similar situation as yours (my step mother kept my dad away from me except once during high school, once during college and then not again until my wedding, and then not again until my daughter's christening, so 4 whole times in over a decade) I would have made the effort to work the schedule out to make both DH & my dad happy. Honestly, I think you were using this to get back at your dad for the boating incident. Which believe me, I totally understand and can relate to.
Well - not so much the boating incident, but maybe for not trying to get in touch with me better, and maybe feeling fed up with running around and trying to get their approval when its never going to happen anyway.... I think I truly prioritized this year because this part of my family just is the one I wanted to be with....
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:14 AM |
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LIMOMx2
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Member since 5/05 24989 total posts
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
Message edited 8/6/2007 8:02:30 AM.
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:18 AM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
Posted by lipglossjunky73
I think I truly prioritized this year because this part of my family just is the one I wanted to be with....
I can totally understand that. Hopefully he comes around and realizes what she's causing him to miss out on.
Things were getting better with my dad when he & my step mother got divorced early last year, but then they got remarried again at New Year's and I've only heard from him via email 2x this year. *sigh*
ETA: I forgot he did stop by for a weekend recently when he was in NJ for a business trip. But he was on the phone with her most of the time, and stayed in a hotel. So strange to me not to want to get to know his grandkids.
Message edited 6/18/2007 8:27:05 AM.
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:18 AM |
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KateDevine
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Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
We split it. When I was a kid, we'd do something during the day with my dad and then go to my grandpa's at night (my mom's father, my father's father isn't around). We also have that my dad's birthday often falls on Father's Day (like your anniversary) so we have that to contend with too.
Similarly, my FIL is deceased, so we spent the day here relaxing and my parents came over for dessert.
You have to see what works for you guys, I am slightly OCD, so I wouldn't have let "possible" plans stay up in the air that long. You weren't out of line per se, but I think a lot of assumptions were made (you thought they didn't really care if you saw them and they thought you were coming over) and it was because it was never spelled out.
But I am sure it will work out in the long run
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:33 AM |
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twicethefun
Loving life
Member since 7/06 4088 total posts
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
My dad is dead and FIL lives in Fl. So its all about DH
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:37 AM |
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Stefanie
♥
Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
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Stefanie
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
My dh is always working on Father's Day so I'm usually with my father.
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:40 AM |
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Little-J-Mommy
I'm a Big Brother
Member since 5/06 8041 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
Posted by lastchance1222
..do not feel guilty..she played u. She called the house because u were not home and said that because she knew it was not easy for u to come over.
SHe wanted u to feel like crap and did.
You dad was fine with it..
tell the stepmonster enough is enough and u are not playing into her games anymore, and don't!
You waited around all day to go on the boat too and she didn't feel damn guilty. be-yotch.
Where does she live? i will take care of her
I agree with this Liza. I think your step-mom has been passive-aggressive with you. I think you're reaction to the whole day was, enough of these games. I think if she wasn't always such a beeotch to you and you're dad made more of an effort to include you in things, you would've made more of an effort to get over there.
It's the old "what comes around, goes around". I'm not saying it's necessarily "right" but I can totally understand where you're coming from. IMO, this really comes down to you having to make some really tough decisions. Do you continue this cycle with them? Take the higher road and continue to be disappointed? It's really a matter of how much you're willing to take and how much you'll let them get away with at this point. I don't know if this helped but I'm sorry you have to deal with it at all
to answer your question....we did father's day with my dad on Sat night for dinner (not only b/c I wanted to spend Sun w/DH but because it worked out better for both my sister's schedules too) and Sun ended up being all about DH! My dad had NO issues with this at all.
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:44 AM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
We plan on really splitting all holidays all ways. I know that some people like to just be with their significant other on certain holidays such as Mother's Day and Father's Day but we really like to spend it with our entire families. I could never imagine my family being at a BBQ and me and DH just being alone (with DS if he ever comes)
We have some quality time together in the morning and then off to each family for a bbq or whatnot.
I think that your case is very different since there does seem to be such strain with your step mom and your dad. Maybe you should offer to take your dad out alone - and the two of you can really talk things out - and you can get everything off your chest. I feel that if you don't clear the air things will fester and build up, and they may get to a point where you can't turn back. You may have subconsiously not called them back yesterday so that he can feel the hurt that he has been putting on you the last couple of months or so.
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| Posted 6/18/07 8:55 AM |
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snuggleupagus
I'm a rolling machine.
Member since 9/06 2064 total posts
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Re: When it comes to father's day- who becomes your priority?
It was your first anniversary.
It was your/his first father's day with a new baby.
I see NO reason why you should feel obligated to do less for/with your husband in this situation. Someone who normally calls you on your cell who suddenly calls your house line is A-asking for trouble and B-should've/could've called your cell ALSO to be sure you got the message!
I'm not saying once we get married and have kids our own fathers go out the window, but in this unique situation, this day should've been what it became...all about your DH and the 2 of you. This was a special father's day being that it was Cailen's first and also your anniversary. The bigger question is almost why didn't they offer to watch Cailen for you to enjoy your anniversary? (Not that your stepdaughters can't do it. ) Then, he could've seen you, spent time with his grandson AND you would've been free to go enjoy your anniversary!
Sorry they were Mr. and Mrs. Cranky Pants yesterday!
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| Posted 6/18/07 9:01 AM |
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