When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

I feel when it comes to any aspect of Cailen's parenting, its all on me. This thing with his health insurance, finding someone to watch him when he is sick, the late night feedings (still!!!) - it always is on me.

On the weekends, when DH is home, I seem to be the default person for everything - unless I specifically ask DH - several times - if he can do a child-related chore (feeding, bathing, etc...)

I feel like DH is more of a mother's helper than an actual parent.

Maybe thats just the way dads are???

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

DH is VERY involved. I guess because I would not have it any other way and by necessity.

I have to work on Sundays so DH is the nanny from 9am to 6:30pm. It's a long day. So.. there is no waiting for mommy to feed DS, diaper changes, play with DS, he even take him to bed for his naps, etc.. He does a really good job. When I come home on Sunday night, DS is fully dressed with clean clothes, not in PJs.

He picks DS at daycare 4 nights per week. He also fixes all DS bottles for the next day.

If I am too tired or under the weather, DH will pick the slack too.

He can take care of DS completely. He will ask me questions but he really can do it on his own if he needs to. The only thing he never did is giving him a bath.

Message edited 4/3/2008 11:11:09 PM.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

My DH is very hands on with the kids. When he comes home from work he pretty much takes over Caden's care and let's me spend time with the girls..

With that said.....and without telling you how great my DH is...

My Xs couldnt make a bottle, change a diaper, never got up, etc. etc..etc...

Maybe find a couple of daddy jobs..jobs that only he does and him alone..

DH puts Caden to bed. And he goes to him at night..that's his job.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

I tease DH - I tell him I better not ever die, because he wouldn't know where one thing for Cailen is!!!

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

Honestly I wouldn't tolerate it that way. I would snap. When DH comes home he's on duty. If we're both home we do bedtime together. If DD wakes up (which isn't too often) I do get up with her because I am typically not up for work as early as he is.
On weekends we take turns sleeping in.
You should talk to your DH about sharing the responsibilities. Cailen isn't just your son, he belongs to both of you and is both of your responsibility.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

We are a team. Foe ex I am pooped and he came home and made the baby's daycare bag and picked out clothes for our eldest DD. He also is a disciplinarian as well as a comforter.

Message edited 4/4/2008 12:28:59 AM.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

DH is very involved. He can't really help with the feedings (BF) but he does give her a small pumped milk bottle before bed and puts her to sleep. He plays with her when he gets home and then bathes her and gets her in her PJ's. I would say the only thing that he doesn't do on his own would be pick out her outfit-I do that.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

I don't think thats just the way dads are at all, some dads are just more involved than others due to their work schedules or sometimes its just due to the fact that they don't think like women, some men just don't see the things that we do.

But in general, my husband is pretty fantastic these days, he is definitely 50/50 with me and you know what, he bloody well enjoys it!

Liza, I think its time you tell him what the score is!

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

DH was very involved the first few weeks we got home w/ DD...doing everything (feeding, changes, going to her in the night), etc. He also watched her in the daytime the first 3 months after I went back to work. (from 7-3 or so after working all night). Yet after his mom started watching her during the day it seems he felt his "dad duty" is over. He'll take her to play or hold her, but doesn't seem to think he HAS to take the initiative w/ her. He won't pack her diaper bag or ask what she needs to eat today, not sure if he knows her schedule, etc.

Yet now she's 9 months & I TOLD him when I get home from work, he NEEDS to take her for an hour just so I can unwind & so sometimes he'll need to feed her/change her.

It's hard for us though b/c we're on opposite schedules & he works nights (leave at 9pm).

So Liza, I feel for you. I know your DH also works crazy hours. Maybe you can tell him you HAVE to do something Sat. & leave him w/ Cailen? Or sit down & tell him every day at XXX time it is going to be his time w/ Cailen?

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

Message edited 4/4/2008 6:35:00 AM.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

DH is very involved...he is capable of doing everything I do and does it.

Stop being the fall guy and DH will have no choice but to attend to Cailen's needs

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

My husband is extremely involved in every aspect...he is just a very strong willed person and takes a lot of initiative with DS.

However...many of my friends have husbands that are not so involved. Yes they love their kids, but my friends have to light fires under their butts for things to get done. I think a lot of men are just like that. It isn't right, but that is how it is it seems.

I wouldn't be able to deal with it. They have to understand that parenting is tough and there needs to be involvement on both parts, even if its something as simple as scheduling an appointment, washing bottles, helping with laundry etc...it isn't fair for the burden to be on one person! ESPECIALLY when both are working!

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

i think its harder for some DH's...yours has to work a lot and a long day so they do feel out of the loop...my DH dosent help as much as other DH, hes got 2 weeks on days 2 weeks on afternoons...he spends as much time with DD as he can but hes on such a weird schedule on afternoons its only before he goes to work he holds and talks to her for a bit...he trys to help but i think feels out of the loop too since he misses a lot while hes at work and im at home with her, he dosent know her as well and dosent always know if shes hungry or just needs to go to sleep...

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

I am annoyed with my husband right now - so to give him props this minute is annoying - but - I will say that he is fabulous with Jack. He wants to do things with him. Feed him - change him - play with him. There are times when I do it - because I don't get Jack as messy - or I don't take as long to change him - but he will do it in a heartbeat.

He runs home everyday for lunch to see him - even just for the whopping 15 minutes.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

It's funny - Rob will take care of the boys and do a great job when I am not around. In fact he gets home before I do and he is the one who takes care of them for those 2-3 hours a day. And on weekends we share the 'hands on' duties and always have.

It's the HANDS OFF duties that are solely my own. I schedule their appointments, I sign them up for activities, I buy their clothes, I buy their toys, I determine their childcare, I decide what they should eat, I do most of the cooking, If our schedules will only allow one of us to make it to a teacher conference it will be me who goes and he will stay home and watch the kids, I make the decisions about the household in general.

And I can b*tch about it (and do) - but to be honest I created this dynamic. I think he is convinced I have some super 'mom' power that lets me do all these things and still have time to sexilate him after the boys are sleeping.

Liza, based on what you have said I think your DH is doing a good job. He isn't telling you he WON'T do it. I think he is waiting for your lead to tell him it is okay to do stuff in your presence! Rob actually used to think he had to ask my permission to change the baby when Robbie was an infant!!

I also think that with a lot of men it gets easier as the baby gets older. I know my dad and a lot of my friends' husbands get more active when the kids become toddlers and seem less breakable!

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

DH does the same duties and responsibilities as me. I don't nag or tell him, he just does it. He does have questions regarding certain things, cause well i'm home with them all day long. But he is on night duty even though he works to give me a break.

We believe we are both the parents, it shouldn't fall on one or other more.
MY Dh is very involved in everything-dr's, baths, feeding, playing, discipline etc.

We couldnt' have it any other way. I couldn't have it any other way. He's their dad, not a babysitter.


ETA: You have to find what works for YOUR family and if you're okay with it, then it doesn't matter what other families do or how they work

Message edited 4/4/2008 8:12:40 AM.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

All in all DH is involved. It's the little things that do get to me, like he will ask "where are the diapers?" Where is this/that?.. Ummm hun...DS is 14 months old. Stop playing dumb and just change him.
There are times I still have to ask him to do things, then there are times I'll come out of the shower in the AM and DS is up, changed, dressed, and eating Cheerios in his high chair.
We just returned from vacation and I do feel that definitley helped too. 9 Days of DH being with DS and I and I'll say DH had stepped up.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

Yes, there are certain things that DH takes a backseat to, like bathtime, or putting Alex to sleep. But, I see it this way - he takes such good care of me so I can take such good care of Alex. He cooks our dinner every night, and while I'm giving Alex a bath and getting her ready for bed, he's cleaning up. While I run home to be with her when school closes early, he's taking care of our investment house, barking at the contractors, and stopping at costco on the way home to get our food for the week.

It's a division of labor - my division takes up a lot of the day-to-day tending for Alex, like getting her lunch ready the night before, taking time off work to be with her on sick days, making her appointments, taking her to the doctor, giving her a bath, etc. But, DH picks up the slack in other ways, like cooking our meals, doing all our food shopping, bringing my car in to be inspected and getting a new registration.

In our house, he's the primary breadwinner - frightening considering I'm an attorney, but he makes triple what I make, so it's essential that he be there for work. The luxury of my job, as a federal employee, is that I DO have the extra time to do these things, while he doesn't.

And, while it is a division of labor, and I tend to many of the day-to-day items with Alex, he spends just as much *time* with her, which is the most important thing. I don't care if I have to make all her appointments, as long as I know he's spending just as much quality time with her as I am, and as long as he's taking care of us as a family.

Hope that makes sense...

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

I bet your DH is more involved then mine. He still claims to be nervous around DD, she'll be 8 months old next week.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

My DH does everything I do with the kids. He is really great with them. He teaches them so much and I love watching him be goofy & play with them.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

DH is definitely involved, just not as involved as I am.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?

Speaking as a token dad, I'll give my take:

I work full time and my DW stays home with DS. I know that her full-time job is more draining than mine is, so when I come home in the evenings DS is all mine. I give him dinner and play with him until it's time to start the bedtime routine, which DW and I do together.

As far as waking up goes, we're lucky enough that DS doesn't wake up in the middle of the night. However he has become a VERY early riser (5:00am the past few days) and DW and I take turns getting up with him and letting the other one sleep for an extra hour or 2.

Weekends, same deal. We alternate days to sleep in.

My attitude is that I don't get to spend as much time with DS as I'd like to, so when I'm home I'm more than willing to be the primary parent and let DW relax as much as she can.

Also makes me feel less guilty when I want to take the very occasional guy's night out.

Re: When it comes to the actual "parenting" of DC, do you find DH involved?