When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

I am an adult, my sister is an adult(29).

She drops this news on me that she is waiting to hear if her 8 month stay in Chad is going to be approved as requested. (she's a nun)

She doesn't want my family to know that this is her request and plan until she has her ticket and is saying goodbye.

They will all be in my home over the holidays, and with one drink in him, my DH can easily spill the beans...

I hate when they tell me things ahead of time...then it somehow turns out to be my fault.

And about this "Chad" situation. I am proud she is this courageous doer, but 8 months is a long time and a lot can happen.

ignore? thoughts? I feel like my father deserves the right to speak his peace before things are final.
tia!

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

I would keep quiet. But mention to her that in the future, you don't want any advance notice about stuff like this. Advance notice = extra time for you to worry.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Stay out of it. As an adult this is her decison. I know it's hard but you are doing the right thing by respecting her wishes And don't tell your DH either, if you know he will spill the beans (unless she told him already too).

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

I would probably encourage my brother (don't have a sister) to tell my parents..

Ultimately if he decided not to, I would not say anything bc I would want him to be able to confide in me in the future.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Posted by headoverheels

Stay out of it. As an adult this is her decison. I know it's hard but you are doing the right thing by respecting her wishes And don't tell your DH either, if you know he will spill the beans (unless she told him already too).

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

I would probably tell my brother that at this age he should be able to talk rationally to my parents about large life decisions like this and not act like a coward and drop a major bomb on them at the last minute and scoot out the door to avoid any questions.

But at the end of the day, if he wanted me to keep my mouth closed, I would. I'd be annoyed with him and tell him that I think he's acting like a child, but I'd keep my yap shut.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

thanks. Cathy, you hit the nail on the head.

what's with the secrets? be an adult and defend your decisions...

and thanks to other posters...I will tell her not to tell me things like this anymore.

When you want to hang out in a country for 8 mos without security where raping is in their everyday culture...I hate that I am the one who knows this and if anything were to happen, its not fair that I had this info.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Posted by headoverheels

Stay out of it. As an adult this is her decison. I know it's hard but you are doing the right thing by respecting her wishes And don't tell your DH either, if you know he will spill the beans (unless she told him already too).

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

I think unless someone is doing something that could imminently kill them-like drugs, I would keep quiet.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

I say stay out of it and don't reveal he secret.....

BUT if this scenario happened in my family, when my parents finally find out the secret, AND the fact that I knew about it and didn't say anything, all hell would break loose. My sibling would sneak out the door after dropping the bombshell and then my family would take their anger and frustration and worry out on me by freaking out that I "lied" to them. (But that might just be my family )

So its a tough spot to be in and I would in the future insist that I not be made aware of this kind of info. If she tells you something big, just tell her that you are going to pretend she didn't say it, and if she talks about it again to you, you are going to assume its not a secret and tell the rest of your family. Its not fair to put that kind of burden on you and no one else.

Oh, and I hope she accomplishes all she sets out to do there....and is able to return safely with only good memories. I'll keep your family in my thoughts

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

thanks all!

so keep my mouth shut and in the future tell her to do the same

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

ah see because of the situation I would not keep my mouth shut. I would go to her first and tell her how you feel about the situation and also tell her that this is a very heavy thing to swallow. Fear of safety and that you feel it's only fair to tell the people that love her and want her to be safe. Very scarey. she's a brave woman but if it were my sister I would want those that loved and cared for her to know the situation. that's just me and my personal opinion.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

thanks Lisa. Since I have never been to Chad, I really don't know much.

I have terrible things swirling around in my head. I don't want to generalize...but in a place where AIDS is everywhere, so is rape...and having a virgin just might be the cure...isn't it unsafe for a nun to be running around?

And its a mainly Muslim country...how do they feel about Catholic American nuns?

She is on a 10 day retreat right now, when she gets back I am going to tell her that my father has the right to know.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Hmm, I'd think a nun would want to be truthful! Just kidding, but honestly, I'd tell her that you do not feel comfortable having this on your shoulders and that you would like her to tell your family or else you will need to because it's a lot of extra burden on you. If she's a good sister (literally and figuratively) she will not want you to be burdened by her keeping information from the family.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Posted by prncsslehcar

Hmm, I'd think a nun would want to be truthful! Just kidding, but honestly, I'd tell her that you do not feel comfortable having this on your shoulders and that you would like her to tell your family or else you will need to because it's a lot of extra burden on you. If she's a good sister (literally and figuratively) she will not want you to be burdened by her keeping information from the family.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

no.

These nuns are cut from a way different cloth.

Her mother house services Camden, NJ.

Basically they are policewomen with bibles instead of guns.

They are rough, tough, I think drink too much.

Anytime they have us out to the mother house its a big party scene.

My mother has come around to accept her decision, not so much my father. Its a weird thing and a weird feeling to get over.

My mother's heartbreaks when she sees my sister hold a baby...mainly because we know that Karen prays for the feelings of wanting a baby to leave her heart.

My father hates that she is some sort of a servent to priests.

So, other then the parties, she keeps a lot of her life a secret. She's in and out of prisions, juvie homes, transporting homeless men around. Both my parents are nurses and get bombarded with the thoughts of diseases that she puts her self around.

So the honoring your father, she sees that as God...not so much my Archie Bunker like dad.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

My brother is in the air force. He frequently talks of deployment and tells me it's a secret. I won't keep secrets like that. Just my policy and they know it. The only bad thing is.. now they keep the secrets from me too. I know that is no help. But, honestly, I would tell her you aren't keeping the secret. SHe has to tell or you will.

Message edited 12/4/2009 8:55:22 AM.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Posted by headoverheels

Stay out of it. As an adult this is her decison. I know it's hard but you are doing the right thing by respecting her wishes And don't tell your DH either, if you know he will spill the beans (unless she told him already too).

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

I would tell her to come clean and that its not fair to put you in the middle by letting you know the "secret". WAY too much pressure over the holidays.

Re: When to meddle when dealing with sibling's secrets from parents?

Posted by Janice

no.

These nuns are cut from a way different cloth.

Her mother house services Camden, NJ.

Basically they are policewomen with bibles instead of guns.

They are rough, tough, I think drink too much.

Anytime they have us out to the mother house its a big party scene.

My mother has come around to accept her decision, not so much my father. Its a weird thing and a weird feeling to get over.

My mother's heartbreaks when she sees my sister hold a baby...mainly because we know that Karen prays for the feelings of wanting a baby to leave her heart.

My father hates that she is some sort of a servent to priests.

So, other then the parties, she keeps a lot of her life a secret. She's in and out of prisions, juvie homes, transporting homeless men around. Both my parents are nurses and get bombarded with the thoughts of diseases that she puts her self around.

So the honoring your father, she sees that as God...not so much my Archie Bunker like dad.