Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

This is a MAJOR discussion on our home..although I think my point of view is finally winning.

While I would LOVE my sister to be able to take responsibilty the truth of the matter is that she is just the right person. Her life is never settled. She is awful with money. She LOVES my daughter and if Love was enough I wouldn't hestistate but we all know it isn't.
Scott wants his sister and BIL, but they live in MA in a very, very small town that is 99.9% white. We are adopting a child from Ethiopia so we are not comfortable with that. Also, there are things we just do not agree with them on.
And none of our parents are the right chose for a host of reasons. I also don't want a 70-year old having custody of a tween/teenager.Or my child feeling responsible for caring for them at such as young age.

So I really want to ask a very close friend of ours (a married couple) if they would be willing. They have an adopted child so they understand how to deal with that for our son. They are good with money (and with life insurance there is a large sum that needs to last a long time), they share very similar values. They parent very similar to us. But of course, they are not "family" so Scott feels that it would be harder on our child(ren) if GOD forbid we needed them to raise our child(ren). I don't agree. Their grandparents will still be their grandparents and I KNOW that these people would make sure that Molly had good relationships with all of the families.

This is the hardest decision ever.

Your thoughts? What are you doing?

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

While we haven't made a firm decision yet, I understand your points of view.

If you believe your friendship with this couple is strong, and that they will do the right thing for your children, then I would ask them.

We will probably ask my SIL. Just because she shares our religious/spitritual beliefs, and I believe that she will do what we wanted for our daughter.
My DD is 1/2 Indian - I too have taken into consideration my sister's & BIL's attitudes, communities, lifestyle, as well as, financial situations. And just feel that this is the way to go.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

My husband and I get my niece god forbis anything happens to my sister and bro in law. She called me one day to discuss. We dont have any children (yet!) but when we do it will prob be my sister or one of his brothers (if they are married)
I feel as it is a big responsibility my sister gave me, but I gladly accept it (but of couse hope for nothing bad to happen!)

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

We designated my sister and her husband (God forbid) anything should happen. In token, we are designated as my nephews/niece's guardians.

I told my sister, she'd better live forever.....how in the world would I manage with four kids?

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

My brother is 33 and can't even clean his room I'm serious so he is definitely out.

Both SIL's live OOS, one in Wisconsin and one in MA in yes, a lilly white, very WASPY suburb of Boston. MA SIL and BIL are honestly the best choice for us. They are the most stable.

My other SIL lives in Wisconsin has three kids but is very scatterbrained, doesn't clean her house (I mean really gross) and to be honest, I'm not impressed with the school system there.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

My family discussed this. Jordana would go to my sister. She has a daughter 10 months older. My sister is a SAHM and a great mother. She really helped all through my pregnancy and my first months as a mom. I would trust her implicitly.

My SIL is living in Alabama and can barely take care of herself. My other SIL's are 22 and 18 and live in Israel with their parents.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

My sister and BIL, neither of us even think twice about it.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

michele,
if i were in your situation, i think i would be more comfortable with the friends as well. you're fortunate to have such a close friendship.

while my BIL & SIL are stable, financially secure, and have two young children, we decided to ask my younger (26) brother and his wife. they don't have any children yet, but are financially secure, own their apartment, and we both feel very comfortable that they would provide a very loving and stable home, if, god forbid, we needed them to raise our child. I just discussed this with my brother recently. We do have friends, a couple, who we would have asked if my brother was uncomfortable with it. DH's biggest concern was that all family members (grandparents) would have a relationship with DD if we were gone.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

My parents. No doubt about it. They are still young and completely able and willing to take care of Ava if the need ever arose. They would never allow anyone else to do it, and neither would JT or I. The only other option would be my sister and her husband, but because we know they would like to have children, too, we would not put the burden of ours on them.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

As per our will, my kids go to my older sister & BIL. They are stable emotionally, have an excellent relationship and two kids that my children adore. What they aren't is good financially. That's why my college roommate is appointed both executor of our will and trustee of our estate (She's a VP @ Smith Barney and I trust her immensely).

It's an extrememly difficult decision. My twin seemed like she'd be the obvious choice. However she usually does whatever she chooses without regard to others feelings. I didn't think she would be fair to my ILs in terms of having them visit and see the kids on holidays. My older sister gets the importance of having them involved in our children's lives.

eta. If I were you, I'd opt for the friends and his sister as a backup in the unlikely event that the friends cannot take Molly & your son.

Message edited 8/31/2006 4:38:34 PM.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

I think I have him on my side since he understands that it would be VERY difficult for my SIL/BIL to raise a black child in their area. They would NEVER leave as they have lived there forever.
And honestly, our friends believe politically and religiously the same as we do. That is VERY important to me.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

Posted by Ambersmom

We designated my sister and her husband (God forbid) anything should happen. In token, we are designated as my nephews/niece's guardians.

I told my sister, she'd better live forever.....how in the world would I manage with four kids?

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

I'm really not sure. But we will have to make a decision once we do a will.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

My younger sister. I had a very hard choice in this because while she is not a mother yet she loves my DD and my DD loves her and I know with my parents and my older sister's (who has 4 kids, hence why I couldnt ask her it would be too much for everyone) help she would do whatever it took to do what DH and I wanted.. I just told her about my wishes the other day..

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

Dh and I havent really discussed it... truthfully I feel like we dont have anyone...

I would love to say my mom (and truthfully thats prob who will end up with it) but I have concerns with her and her "issues"

Originally we were thinking my SIL- BUT- she lives far away from everyone (therefore preventing my family from seeing my child) and although I like her FH alot... Our views on things differ alot- and its truthfully not the way I want my son raised (views on religion, and on children- he believes too many kids "overpopulate" the world)

We have close friends that I would consider- not sure if DH would agree with that....

My brothers are still young- but they may be GREAT canidates in the future....

It really is the hardest decision to even think about!

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

Michele - is this for a will? I need to get on that - quickly!!!

I think about this often - I would probably say my sister. As of now she's divorced but in a committed relationship (could very well remarry sometime soon) but we happen to share many common beliefs and our values are about the same.

I agree though, it's a TOUGH choice. I would go with whoever is the best person/couple - not necessarily blood relative.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

While DD has godparents for her religious upbringing, we asked friends of ours that we met from the very beginning of our new life in GA.

They are great people, she was only able to have one child who is a teenager now, and she watches DD every Sat now and sometimes an overnight!

They love her like she is their own and we feel that they would raise her as we would.

My sister doesn't know if she wants kids, the one SIL I'd consider has 2 of her own already and there are certain aspects of their home life I don't like, the other SIL not a chance. Either set of grandparents...no way. I'd consider my best friend, but she's in NY and she'd be our 2nd option.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

My parents, my ILs, or my SIL.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

We designated my brother in our wills for a bunch of reasons. The biggest reason was that my family lives in the NYC metro area while DH's parents live part time in FL, part time in NY and his brother is thinking of moving out of state after he gets married. We want our kids raised around here and my brother's job requires that he live around here. We also felt like my brother would have a stronger support system in place to help him if needed since my family is much larger than DH's, which is pretty much just his parents and his brother.

We didn't want any of the grandparents named since we didn't think that it would be fair to them or the kids to have them raised by them. 60+ year olds and teens have very different opinions on appropriate behavior, dress, etc and we didn't want to add that stress to our parents.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

I definitely understand your point of view. I have no siblings and my mom or dad just isn't an option. I do not like how my SIL parents and really couldn't imagine her raising my daughter at any age. BIL and his wife are just too irresponsible so that leaves DH's parents. Fortunately they are young enough that they could do it and they are good with money so I know whatever money we leave for DD would go directly to her needs so we will probably leave custody of DD to DH's parents. I know this would kill my mom so I won't even tell her it will just be in our will. If DH's parents move out here to CO then it will be a no brainer because my mom lives here too.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

I am very lucky that I am close to my 5 brothers and sisters. At this time, we would be the legal guardians for my brothers 4 kids should something happen to them, and they would be the same for our children. I would also consider my sister too down the line, she is still young and unmarried, but I know and trust her with them so it wouldn't be a problem at all. I know my upcoming surgery is very minor, but I did my Health care proxy and we've gotten the care issues taken care of too.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

the only problem I see with friends raising the children is that it would put the children and the friends in a bad position with their family and our family. Who does the child see at the holidays? Do they take on a new family (the friends' parents, siblings, etc)? Eventually would they stop visiting our family b/c of time constraints? What if they moved out of state? What if they pass away?

As for your BIL and SIL's neighborhood, I think, forbid anything happens to you, it could make a difference in changing people's views. My SIL had a child of a mixed race and I know it has changed many racist personalities for the better.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

Message edited 2/8/2007 3:07:57 PM.

Re: Who would raise your child(ren) if you were unable?

My sister is old enough but she is just never settles. She moves every year or so from one apartment to another. She enjoys going out to bars to 5am still. She stays in a total dead end job and goes in and out of schools searching for what to do in her life. I just don't believe that she would be able to instill certain ideals to our children and manage to figure out her life while raising them.
My BIL/SIL are not an issue because of their racial beliefs but there are is 99.9% white. It is not healthy for our child to be the ONLY black children in an entire school.
No matter what money would be handled by this close friend. They are the only person I trust 100% to do it correctly and understand that Molly doesn't need a BMW at 16 but we would want her in a safe car, they would understand that she would need therapy if GOD forbid something happened, they would stress education like we would etc..
Honestly, in this case I have to do what is best for our children and while it might be hard for others I can't go against what I know is best for her. KWIM? She would always have a strong relationship with both families, and I know their families and they love Molly. It might be rough but if my sister had to get Molly up to MA every few months that would be hard for her.
I wish I could ask my sister...I want to...but I just know that it isn't the best for our children.