WHY?!?!?!

I'm sorry ladies...but, I need to vent...I also apologize if this gets too long...but I need to get this OUT...

Ok, so my son dies 4 days after he was born...I spent months grieving his death (and still do ) but, my DH and I decided we'd TTC again...

Since we got PG with Patrick on our VERY first try...we thought our second go 'round wouldn't be that hard...

HOWEVER...there's a different plan for us...

First, I spoke to my ob/gyn about doing some blood work...and the first CD3 test I had done came back with elevated FSH levels.

Now, I'm still not sure if I tested on the right day because since giving birth I spot for a few days before AF actually arrives.

So, I went the following month for another CD3 FSH test and went on the 3rd day I started spotting...my levels were fine.

Ok, I thought...but, sought some advice from an RE anyway...and they told me that FSH levels could be high due to stress and since I've been under tremendous amounts of it for a number of months...it's almost 100% due to that. Ok, I feel better...

I even had an HSG done to check for blockages...but tubes are clear.

Now, DH goes to get his semen analysis...and of course we think there's nothing wrong with him but have him take the test anyway just to have that ruled out...WELL...

He has low motility and morphology...

Dr. tells me that the RE will probably want to put DH on an antibiotic because he could have an infection causing this problem and we may want to go the IUI route.

How could it be possible that we got PG on the first try but now we have all these problems??????????????

I just can't take this and am having a very hard time accepting this.

I mean, wasn't it enough that we had to have our son die?!?!?!?! Didn't we go through enough pain and sorrow?!?!?!

I know lots of you ladies have tried for many months and even years to get PG...so maybe me complaining about TTC now for 6 months seems like nothing...

I just wish that I would wake up from this nightmare already and have my baby boy back in my arms again...


If you've gotten this far...thanks for listening to me....

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OH man! I have to tell you I have followed your story on here for a while and I dont understand why you have to go through this either, I felt deep pain for you when you started posting here. Patrick's loss was something that touched me deeply and I dont even "know" you so I can only imagine how you feel. (I hope I am not making you cry). BUt I do admire your courage and strength sooooo much.

Anyway I think that semen can also be effected by stress and often antibiotics do help. BUt keep in mind the sperm he produces today was actually made 3 months ago so it may take some time to see a change.

Six months can seem like a lifetime. Yes many of us have been through it longer, but WE are the first to realize how much each and every month sucks. So feel free to vent, yell, scream, sob, bittch. Whatever you need to do. You certainly earned it.

PS- I also spot several days before AF and I have always had cd3 labs on the 3rd day of a full period.

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Jen,

You know that you and I have a similiar story and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with heartache. Just know that there's those of us out there that are going through exactly what you're going through.

I just started going to an RE the day before yesterday (of course on CD6 so I to wait an entire month before I can go for bloodwork) and I'm so scared of what they're going to find. He's pretty certain that I have PCOS but how did I get pregnant in the first place? I feel just the same way and even expressed that to him. It's not like we can't conceive and we can't carry, because we did that already, right? And not that long ago!

I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. I have been TTC for 10 months and you know about my Nicholas and the fact that he passed as well.

Jen, we need to be strong and we need to keep fighting. So, promise me you'll stay strong and know that you have all of us here rooting for you. If you ever need to vent, you know we're here.

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I know how frustrating this can all be
Hopefully if they go with the IUI route you will be able to get PG soon. I too am going through something similar, I have PCOS and just found out the my husband has Varicoles which can affect his sperm count. We are doing a semen analysis soon and if the sperm count is low he may have to do surgery.
It really stinks because I was able to get PG a while ago and now it's like waiting for a miracle to happen. I feel your pain and your not alone.

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Ditto everything everyone else said...

I also have followed your story, and can not imagine the pain that you and your dh have been through.

We are always here to listen...

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I am so sorry, I have no advice

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Jen,

As you, Lauren and I all feel the same - how on earth did we get PG the first time - have our sons die on us and now struggle with infertility issues.

The "why" question you asked is what I cannot seem to get a grasp on. How on earth did this happen while not even trying only to find I am the one having issues and need help getting pg now. The confusion and tears seem to be endless at times.

It is so hard to comprehend and I know you understand how it can consume almost every thought in your head.

I can only send you hugs and prayers that someone blesses us all with happy and healthy babies to love.

Love you!

Donna

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No, I cannot relate to the loss of a child. I am truly sorry you are going thru this.

I also haven't been at this ttc for as long as some, but we also got the same results back from the SA. It is really frustrating. The urologist who did the second SA told us that every sample is different, and you can have a good one, and a not so good one. Maybe he can test again?? We did two, and will be going to an RE in a few months, so I know DH will do a third. Whatever it takes.

and to you.

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I'm sorry for you, Doodles and Lauren, I don't feel anyone should ever experience the loss of a child.

Please feel free to vent here as unfortunately we are all on this journey also (Nov will be 2 years of trying for me )

As for your DH's motility - that can change and if it doesn't there are many procedures they can do to still help you to conceive

We are in this together and will help each other with support, hugs, and tears or whatever else is needed.

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I am so sorry..... I have also been following your story and my heart broke for you and your DH when you lost your son. I cannot imagine for the life of me what that would be like, but I admire your courage and strength.

I got pg naturally last March - it seems like a lifetime ago now. I was having twins and lost both early on. I was able to move on, but cannot understand either why I was able to get pg quickly, only to find out afterwards that my FSH is so high. DH has low morphology as well - he takes Fertility Blend, but I don't know if that has helped. Since we are doing IVF (round 2) it isn't so much of an issue. But my FSH is, and according to my RE it doesn't improve.

There are lots of theories out there on how to improve your FSH - acupuncture, herbs, relaxation, yoga, diet.... and I am trying them all. But basically, my eggs are old and almost gone. There is nothing that can bring them back. So...we move ahead with the next treatment, the next cycle, hoping and praying, and for me... knowing I can vent here and have the support and understanding I need.

We are all here for you, if that helps at all. Nobody ahs an exact same experience as anyone else, yet we can all empathise. We are forming a support group in QUeens - don't know where you are but you might be interested. I am reading Conquering Infertility: Dr. Alice Domar's Mind/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility by Alice D. Domar and Alice Lesch Kelly
and one of the suggestions is to meet with other women in similar situations to help relieve stress and yes depression....

Message edited 8/31/2006 9:55:18 AM.

Re: WHY?!?!?!

Jen,
Wow-I am teary eyed for you I would be full on crying but I'm at work! I can't even presume what it is like to go through what you and your DH did and you know what it does $uck that you are having troouble now. From what I've read-sperm levels can change so it's possible it was just that test. Also not sure if you are interested in this and I've really been touting this book but check out The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis-I got in on Amazon for abou $10 and there is a whole section on male infertility and how to use natural means to correct it. I got so much out of this book and it helps you to see things in a different way(my problem is recurrent m/c by the way) I am still seeing a specialist but I think it can't hurt to put some of her ideas into practice. Good luck. I'll be thinking about you.

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Just want to send you some hugs and prayers.
God bless you.

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I wanted to send all of you and and

My heartbreaks everytime I think of your strories and I admire all of you for going on and being so strong.

All I can say is I hope all of you are blessed with BFPs and happy, healty babies as soon as humanly possible.

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Jenn

I truly have no words at all - because no, its just NOT fair that you had to lose your son and now be faced with problems TTC..

please just know I think about you all the time and pray for you everyday ...

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Thank you ALL SO MUCH!

I've been having a really hard time lately and I want you all to know that you have and continue to be a wonderful support system for me.

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I also wanted to add that one semen anaylsis is often not enough to "diagnose" male factor.

Some of DH's counts are very good and very high, some aren't so much.

They really should repeat it again to see if he was just having an "off day" or it's an actual issue for you guys.

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That's exactly what the dr. said...maybe he was having an off day and that he probably should be retested...she also stated the possibility of an infection...

It's just that at this point I am soooooo upset and frustrated that it's hard for me to try not to worry about it so much.

I wish there was an easier way to deal with all of this...

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I wish I knew what to say, I have followed and was so saddened by your story.
I wish you two all the best

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I don't know "why" but I do know that your baby was so lucky to have you as his mom You will find a way thru all of this.

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I'm sorry I dont have more advice to give but I've followed your story too and I think about you often and wanted to send you some and also some that you will find a solution soon and get your BFP.

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Oh sweetie, Im so so sorry.

PLEASE try to keep in mind that you DID get PG on one try and that means no matter how bad the tests results look " on paper" ...its no where NEAR impossible and can and WILL happen.

DO not lose faith. Its so hard in this journey to fight to hold onto to hope , but you have to fight.

I say, Sit back, say WHY me, Cry, Scream and then stand up and say, ITS gonna happen and never look back.

We are here every step of the way for all the venting you ever need to do!