working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Do you think you and your dh do equal amount of work and things with your daughter?
We both work and yes i am home by 430 since i teach but he has a very flexible schedule he could really go into work early like 6 am and work til 2 or work 7am -3pm and be home with us but he is to lazy to get up so he goe sin when he wants unless he has a mettign or an appt and he works 7 hours and comes home. Now i will admit he cooks dinner but thast it. I come home i strighten up whatver mess he leaves me , like not making tehebd which drives me CRAZY! then i play with dd i get her stuff ready for teh next day i get myself reayd for tehnext day i feedher etc.. /He comes home anywhere from10-20 minutes before bedtime and holds her plays with her and thenif she gets cranky which she usually do sbecasue its close to her bedtime he says ok take her. WTH!!!!!!!!! Maybe if you came home when she wasnt minutes away form goign to sleep she would be happier.just venting sorry he has been on my nerves lately!

Message edited 4/25/2007 8:06:45 AM.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

I was going through the same thing and felt the same way you do. Some advice I got was to tell DH specifically what I needed and expected from him and to give him a limited choice. For example, instead of saying I need you to do more housework and expecting him to realize the house needs vacuuming I say, Can you please vacuum on Tuesday or go grocery shopping? He picks which one he prefers and now has a time frame. It has made things so much better.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

I am a work from home mom and DH has specific chores that he does around the house. The way I see it, during the day my main job is to raise the kids and do what i can around the house. In the evening and the weekends it should be 50/50 childcare and household work. With that said, DH does laundry and cleans the bathrooms. He also does anything that is related to the dog and outdoor work. I do everything else which is all other cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, doc appoints, etc.

You need to give him specific things to do. DH was slacking on cleaning the bathrooms and I told him he either does it or I call a cleaning service and we pay $300 a month to have our house cleaned 2 x a month. He got the cleaning supplies out right away and hit the bathrooms!

As much as we'd like to think that our DH should be as proactive as us when it comes to taking care of things around the house, it just doens't happen. They need to be told what and when to do it. They were not born with the multi-tasking gene.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Yes, we try to keep things fair and balanced so that neither one of us feels underappreciated.

We take turns on who makes dinner and who takes care of DS each night. If I'm cooking, he's bathing, feeding, and playing with Jake - and vice versa.

I agree that you need to be specific with him about what he can do to help out more. If you want him to go to work earlier so he can come home earlier - tell him so. If he doesn't want to do that, then he should get up earlier anyway and straighten up in the mornings before he leaves.

There are tasks and chores that need to get done. They are not any one person's job, they are everyone's job in the household. The sooner he realizes that, the better.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

I have a trick that definitely works for me!!!
We have a dry-erase board on the fridge and I write down a whole bunch of jobs for the night. He is not allowed to sit and watch TV until the jobs are done...

Last night it was:
Cook Dinner
Take Out Garbage
Clean out the oven
Clean upstairs bathroom
Do laundry
Fold laundry
Put away laundry
Make Bottles
Vacuum living room


I just did this last night and it works out awesome! He gets to pick what jobs he wants to do (big or small) and we split it evenly. I even write things that I routinely do just so he doesn't forget that all the jobs I do take effort!
As each one is done, we cross them off and it makes us feel productive TOGETHER!

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

p.s. Once I get DH on a roll - he is off cleaning on his own! It's just that inital ooomph to get him going!

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Dh will ask what I need help with and I will tell him. He is helpful and willing to help therefore it makes it easier. I am also good at muti-tasking so at the end of the day I end of doing more.


I cant help but laugh at this comment that someone posted:
"He is not allowed to sit and watch TV until the jobs are done"

I would feel like DH's mother if I told him that!!!!!!!!!!

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Thanks for all your advice. Unfortunately he is not the type that once he gerts started he will be on aroll. He hates cleaning basically he lkes to do whathe wants to do when he wants to do it. He loves his DD and loves playing wiht her ..when she is in a good mood which is most times. But if she is cranky i get "take her i cant dealw ith her when she is like this" UMM hello she is SEVEN MONTHS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!

If i did the you cant watch tv until your chores are done he would say im not your child dont talk to methatway although thats what he needs it wont work.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Posted by 04bride

But if she is cranky i get "take her i cant dealw ith her when she is like this" UMM hello she is SEVEN MONTHS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you need to sit down and have a serious talk. And as for now being able to deal with her when she is cranky...tell him he needs to be more patient because that is nothing compared to what it will be like when she is in the terrible 2s!

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

DH helps, but I definately do more.

Also it irks me that if I don't tell him, he doesn't do it. W T H...nobody tells me what I have to do.

Anyway, sorry for the mini vent. DH is more of my go-for. He cooks dinner, does the dishes, gets bottles ready, stuff like that.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

It his hard being a working mom!! I guess we can all relate. DH has to be told what to do otherwise it does not get done, then most of the time it is done wrong or not the way I do so sometimes I dont even bother asking, I guess I need to stop being so neurotic! I pretty much do everything...cook dinner, get bottles ready, unload the dishwasher (occasionaly he will do this on his own or help clean the pots/pans after dinner) and I straighten up the daily messes we make. DH will wash his own work clothes but it will remain unfolded!! Laundry just piles up in my house, thank god I like to shop and have a huge wardrobe
It also helps that I have a cleaning lady come in every 1-2 weeks to clean the house. On the wends all I want to do is spend 100% of my time with my son, I dont want to do laundry or mop floors.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

DH does alot to help out. He is home about a 1/2 hour before me and when I get home he is always playing with her. We take turns giving her a bath and he almost always puts her to bed. He will mostly cook dinner while I play with Kerri and I will clean up.

We really have it balanced out equally

Message edited 4/25/2007 12:21:43 PM.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Posted by ddunne2

They need to be told what and when to do it. They were not born with the multi-tasking gene.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

I am still on maternity leave... DH is gone from 5AM until around 7-8PM - he wakes up at 3:30 so I take care of him all night as well. He also works some Saturdays so I take care of him Fri nights as well...

If DH is off the next day, he helps out at night but its not the same way I do it...

No, he does not think like a mom - he does everything with him while watching TV - the other day he was holding him and playing a PSP game I'm like - play with him, talk to him, interact with him...

But he does not get his bottles ready, doesn't do all those little extra things we as moms just do automatically... he hands him off to me a lot more than I do to him - I give him the baby when he is calm so they can bond, he gives him to me when he is crying or if he wants to eat dinner or whatever...

what can I do - he does the best he can, and he loves being a daddy, but he is just not a mommy, and thats it... He will be great with Cailen when he is a toddler and is a lot more interactive - DH plays nonstop with his neices, nephews, and kids in general when they can start walking and can be roughed a little, so I know he will do more then, just right now, the baby is just too needy...

ETA: DH has stopped cleaning since he took this job - when he works on saturdays his rule is he does no chores that weekend, so I wind up doing everything... He does make dinner every night though....

Message edited 4/25/2007 12:48:55 PM.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Posted by lipglossjunky73

No, he does not think like a mom - he does everything with him while watching TV - the other day he was holding him and playing a PSP game I'm like - play with him, talk to him, interact with him...

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Posted by pmpkn087

Posted by lipglossjunky73

No, he does not think like a mom - he does everything with him while watching TV - the other day he was holding him and playing a PSP game I'm like - play with him, talk to him, interact with him...

This is what my DH does.

OR, the ONE Saturday that I told DH he had to get up early because I wanted to sleep in...he wakes up, takes him in the living room and puts him in his chair in front of the TV while DH falls alseep on the couch. I wake up to Steven Screaming at the TV and DH snoring. The DH has the b@ll$ to say "well, he was enjoying himself, he wasn't making noise or anything." Then what the heck woke me up

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

My DH probably has the same complaints about me.

Since I work with small children I am beyond drained when I come home to my own small children, so many household chores fall on him. I do plenty, but he definitely does more.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

When we both worked, all responsibilities were shared. Nothing was my job or his job-well except to take the garbage out.

Communication is big in our home and it runs very smoothly.

Dh dusts, vacuums, takes care of DD, does laundry, makes the beds, changes sheets, cleans without hestitation, cooks, etc. and I do the same.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

I really can't complain - DH is a tremendous help. We both work full-time, so he takes Alex to school in the AM, and I pick her up at 5pm. He usually cooks dinner while I put her to sleep, tidy up the house, and prepare her lunch for the next day. We do our laundry separately (don't ask), and while I do Alex's laundry every week, he takes out the garbage every week. We both take care of the dishes.

Some days I do more, some days he does more, but in the end it always evens out. And, even though sometimes I feel like I'm the only one putting everything away at the end of the day, I can't complain because he takes care of all the "house" things that I can't do, and all the little renovations that are time-consuming.

Though, I have to say, he's not as good with Alex when she's cranky. He loses his patience much quicker... but I think that's just the difference between mommy's and daddy's

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

DH is very helpful and he does quite a bit as we are both working now. We do have a cleaning lady that comes every other week and doews the big stuff. Generally he takes care of all the outide stuff and does all the "handy stuff" and I pick up around the house, take care of DD more, and do groceries.


On a day by day basis, he puts the stuff in the crockpot in the morning, I feed DD get her ready and drop her off in daycare. He picks her up feeds her and bathes her. Then we play with her and put her to bed. I clean up and get everything ready for tomorrow and he prepares dinner for the next day.

Laundry and stuff like that we share. It helps us to know what our duties are and we help eachother out too.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

My DH has a long commute so he's gone before she wakes and usually gets home after she's in bed.

I pretty much do it all. I drop off, work full time, pick her up, play, feed, bathe, put her to bed, clean up and start dinner, clean dinner, do laundry, clean bottles, make bottles, get her ready for day care, etc.

There is no downtime until about 9pm for me. We spend all day either Sat or Sun running all our errands because I just can't figure out how to squeeze that in during the week.

I sometimes wish he'd get a different job

eta: when he does get home before 8pm he will bathe and feed her while I clean and make bottles and start dinner or vice versa

Message edited 4/26/2007 7:17:09 AM.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

In the beginning - not at all. It was all on me - dinner, laundry, washing bottles, setting up bottles, feeding the baby, changing the baby, etc. When he finally got the idea out of his head that I wasn't domestic, he took up the cooking.

Now that they're a little older, he helps out tremendously.

I agree with everyone's suggestion about giving him tasks to do. For example,

"I need you to

[pick one: change the laundry/wash bottles/take out the garbage/cook dinner/pick up milk]

while I

[bathe the baby/ feed the baby/ fold laundry / change the baby / make dinner / finally brush my teeth & shower]"

Obviously give him the crappier of the chores that you hate.

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

enough said

Re: working moms.. question about how much your dh help you out

Definitely Not!!

I wake up with her at 6:30 every morning. DH sleeps until 8. He wakes up and watches her for 30 minutes while I get ready unti the babysitter comes. He comes home after she is asleep. I come home, make her dinner, feed her, bathe her, play with her and put her to bed. Then I clean up after her. This is usually alldone by the time DH comes home.

Although this is about to change with my new job. I want to get to the office by 8 the latest and my commute is at least 30 minutes.

On the weekends he helps otu a lot. We alternate sleeping in.