Wow-what an update...

Ok- real quick...

Thank you for all your continued support, and for all the FM... You have no idea how much your information has helped!

Unfortunately, our comp at home was "hacked" into, and DH is in the process, or rebooted everything... so currently I have no comp. unless Im at my moms or work...

Yesterday my mom called Daytop- which is also an open door policy type of place... which my brother obviously is not going to willing go to (considering he denies having a probelm)

Daytop was very helpful and told my mom to go down to family court and file an order or protection...


Well- 6 hrs later, and all I can say is no one there knows there @ss from their elbow...

This one told us, there was no need for an OOP... the other told us get a PINS pet., another told is there is no longer PINS there is only AFY...

I can not explain how fustrating it is, to have NO ONE help you... She dosent want him arrested, she wants him to get help, and it just seems NO ONE wants to help troubled youth (unless of course they want to be helped...)
Appparently you have to die, or kill someone for them to do something about it!

In the end she was seen before a judge, who basically ripped my mother apart... she flat out said she didnt care about the drugs, the disrespect, the cutting school, or the whole punched into the walls, she only wanted to know about the acts of violence he committed against her... Which- there is none... tons of threats, but although he has come close... he's never (not yet @least) put hand on her...

I felt so bad for her... I was just sitting in the back of the room... whatching her cry, and them be soooo rude to her...


In the end.... they did grant her a temp. OOP (for violence only) she has to go back to court next week... with my brother to go any further....

PLEASE- someone advice on how to get the drug clause in there... and how to get him "drug" help...


Ill be on when I can... and hopefully, my comp. will be fixed soon!


Your girls have been so helpful- more than you'll ever know...

Re: Wow-what an update...

I'm so sorry for you and your mom.

I don't think there is any way to get a drug clause in an OOP. I know your mom doesn't want to have him arrested but that may be her best bet. At least that way, the authorities actually have a "crime" to act upon. Also, criminal court can MANDATE drug treatment. NYS also offers 1st time offender status which gives him the opportunity to have his record wiped clean.

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This may sound silly, but have you ever considered contacting someone like Montel or Dr Phil about all this. These people are always managing to get kids into rehabs or boot camps or whatever you want to call them. Just a thought. Good luck and I'm so sorry that the people who are supposed to 'help' are hurting your mom more.

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I also think the Judge wanted your mother to place him under arrest so he can mandate drug treatment for him....Normally Drug addicts do not seek help...so I think the Judge was trying to help but the only way the Judge can is with a manitory drug treament program that he can enforce..I hope your mom understands that...

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I just want to make sure you understand what happens now that you have an order of protection. If your mom calls the police now they are REQUIRED to arrest him. He'll spend the night in the holding cell and will have to be seen before the judge in family court. You'll have to post bail to have him released and then he will be assigned a probation officer. The judge may or may not require drug counseling, but will most likely require an anger management course. Once a month he'll meet with the probation officer and be given a urine test for drugs. If he tests positive he'll be back in court and then the judge may mandate him into an inpatient rehab program.
It's definietly a "tough love" approach. Does your brother understand this? Maybe if he realizes that he really only has 2 options right now he'll cooperate.
1: Participate willingly in a day program (like Daytop or Mather)
or
2: Have your mom report the violent threats and follow through with the order of protection and take the above route.

An order of protection is by no means a scare tactic or an empty threat. From here on the only help you'll get from the police is with an arrest.

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Like others have said, I think the only way a court can intervene is if your brother breaks a law - otherwise he has to get help voluntarily.

How temporary is the OOP?

What about the thing he used to take the diamond? Did your mom report that the diamond was missing?

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Its called tough love...

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I am so sorry you are dealing with this

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Well- my brother and I just had a talk...

I explained what is going on, because I will tell you he is scared sh!tless....

He basically said, Marissa....these are the drugs im doing... whats going to happen to me, and all I could reply is that he is screwed!!!!

I know you can get a drug clause in there (stating he can not come home underthe influence) for the Sheriff at the courthouse who met with us afterwards told me so....


I told him the only way things will change is if he is willing to go to Daytop or a progam like it...

He says he'll go, and do the drug testing or the counseling- but he wants to still live at home...

My mom- will not drop the OOP- because frankly- just cuz he says hes going to go... dosent mean anything...


Im just not sure whats gonna happen next


The OOP is until the next court date... which is on the 18th...

There I will act as a witness, and my brother will be given the opportunity to defend himself...

This time she is going there with copy's of the police reprots (for his violence)- so Im sure... the OOP will be continued....

Re: Wow-what an update...

Colesmom-

She is fully aware of what happens here, and I wanna say unfortunately- this was the only way to get him help...

THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS...
OOP is needed for he is violent... and if you read any of my other posts... you would know she locks her door at night, because she fears what he will do to her...

He has in fact threaten her life, and does carry a weapon...


So this OOP is necessary for her safety...
And as I said before... was the only way someone would help her

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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this

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I am sooo sorry Marissa

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Marisa, I am so sorry for all that you and your mother are going through. I truly hope that your brother gets the help that he needs.

Re: Wow-what an update...

I can't believe what you dealt with yesterday! First of all, the probation officer that did the petition should have included the request for the no drug/alcohol provision. As for the Judge, something doesn't sound right to me, I suspect I know what Judge your mom saw. Is the return date in the same courtroom?

On the return date, have your mom tell the Judge she wants to drug clause in there and also wants your brother drug tested AND evaluated. The Family Court CAN do all of this, regardless of what you're being told.

Until the return date, if he becomes enraged in the house, please encourage your mother to call 911. She can also try to go back to court and modify the petition to include the drug issue. Please get in touch w/me and I might be able to help you guys out.

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Re: Wow-what an update...

Posted by Princessmaris

Colesmom-

She is fully aware of what happens here, and I wanna say unfortunately- this was the only way to get him help...

THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS...
OOP is needed for he is violent... and if you read any of my other posts... you would know she locks her door at night, because she fears what he will do to her...

He has in fact threaten her life, and does carry a weapon...


So this OOP is necessary for her safety...
And as I said before... was the only way someone would help her

Re: Wow-what an update...

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you....the computer, your brother....

It's good that your brother is scared...but as for living at home, I don't think that's a good idea. It's only a chance to get more comfortable again.

Re: Wow-what an update...

Posted by colesmom

Posted by Princessmaris

Colesmom-

She is fully aware of what happens here, and I wanna say unfortunately- this was the only way to get him help...

THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS...
OOP is needed for he is violent... and if you read any of my other posts... you would know she locks her door at night, because she fears what he will do to her...

He has in fact threaten her life, and does carry a weapon...


So this OOP is necessary for her safety...
And as I said before... was the only way someone would help her

I dont doubt that it was necessary. Just wanted to make sure you knew (and more importantly your brother knew) the consequences. I know first hand how terrible this situation is and I feel for you. To give you some hope, my brother was in the same situation 10 years ago, but thankfully he made it through. He's now 27, has a great job, his own apartment and is getting engaged soon. Every once in a while I run into someone that knew him "back then" and they're shocked how he turned his life around.

Good Luck!

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Rach- Jamie- rose... anyone else???

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I am so sorry, but I truly feel this is the only way your brother will get help (I have a family member who has had a drug problem for years it looks like now finally he will have to go into mandated out-patient treatment, because he was finally arrested. This is 15 years later . . .)

Your brother needs to hit bottom before he will get any kind of help- and getting arrested may
be the bottom he needs to hit.

Your mom and you are doing the right thing for your brother.

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Just saw this, sorry I'm late. I think you have gotten a lot of good advice so far. I know far more about mental helath than I do about the courts. But there is one thing I was thinking. I know your mom doesnt want to have him arrested. And I know how hard that must be for her. But the courts have a program called TASC (treatment alternatives to sentencing and conviction). basically the judge can order that as long as you go to (and complete) a treatment program the charges will be dropped. When I worked in drug treatment, this is how most of our patients started.

Also NSUH at Glen Cove has an outpatient drug program with a school component. It is called community house. Since its a different county he may not be able to go there, but I am sure if you call to inquire they will tell you if he can be bussed in or if they know of a similar program in Suffolk.

I think your brother being scared is probably the best thing that can happen to him. You all need to strike while the iron is hot!!

Good luck

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i am so sorry that you are going through this but the fact that he is open to getting help is a GREAT sign

Message edited 4/13/2006 8:20:47 AM.

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Rach... Jamie??

Im waiting for you.,

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I had a family member who had the same problems and actually only got the help he needed when I called the authorities. I can think back to how I was crying making that phone call and how I will never forget the image of him being chased and finally caught. It haunted me for awhile. Everyone involved went through heck and back but I can tell you he is now happily married for 9 years and the father of 4 beautiful children.
As much as it hurts, it may be your only option.