WWYD - Family/Child care related

I'm very upset and this is long, so please bear with me if I start to ramble before the end.

My mom watches DD 2x per week. Since she was @ 4 months (maybe earlier) I've had an issue with my mom asking when DD would start solids. I told her DD would be EBF until 6 months REPEATEDLY. At one point her questions were so bad I sent her links to 5-6 different articles about the negative effects of starting solids too early and the benefits of EBF for 6 months. In addition I got snide remarks about BF in general.

Because she aggravated me, when it did come time to start DD on solids I started at night so I would be the one feeding her and not my mother (the ped also said this was better to help DD sleep through the night, so it wasn't just about my mom). Then my mother went away on two trips - one planned, one sort of emergency, so I didn't have to mention anything or let her participate in feeding DD. It also meant I added a second AM feeding while my mom was away and other people were feeding her.

So, mom returns and I drop DD off, and explain how to mix the oatmeal and what time to give etc. I get an obnoxious remark about how small the portion of oatmeal is. I also get a remark about getting teething biscuits, which I promptly tell my mother DD canNOT have, and she wants to know if she can give DD applesauce. I tell her no and explain how new foods are introduced one per week and that I wanted her to do avocado but since she didn't have one it would have to wait until this week.

This week comes and my mom again doesn't have avocado. She basically begged me to let her give the baby banana. I said OK since I hadn't started anything else (although I would have done apple if I had known she didn't have avocado, but whatever).

To this point DD has had milk protein reactions so bad that I had to cut dairy from my diet for over a month, and she had a full blown allergic reaction to carrots. My mother knows this as both DH & I have told her.

Today DH dropped her off instead of me. The instructions were mix oatmeal w/ 3 tbls water and give DD 1/2 mashed banana. I go to pick up DD and I'm walking around my mom's picking up all her stuff. My mom says she lost DD's binky b/c she took it off the tether (oh well) and how much fun they had at the supermarket and how she used my niece's old carseat for DD instead of the infant carrier. While picking up DD's stuff I notice in the kitchen sink a baby spoon w/ baby food on it and it doesn't look like banana. So I tasted it. IT WAS APPLESAUCE!

I walked back downstairs and grabbed DD and put her in her carseat to just leave when normally I hang out and chat. It was obvious I was angry and my mom apologized for losing the binky. I told her the binky didn't mean sh*t, but the fact that she gave DD applesauce against my explicit instructions was pi$$ing me off and I said I should leave before I said something I regret. (somewhere in here is when she mentioned the other car seat & I said I didn't think DD should go in it, but my mom asked if she was over 18 lbs, and I said yes, and she said that's what it was rated for).

Well, my aunt chimes in with "how do you know" and I just lost it on both of them. I flipped out about her feeding DD who knows what when she eats organic baby food, and a whole host of other things. I reminded her of DD's allergic reactions - to which she replied she didn't believe DD had an allergy to carrots!!!!!! Umm, hello, DD was at the ped the following morning!

I reminded her my niece has an allergic reaction to apples, and my mother and said - that's what your sister says but I don't believe it. My niece has been to a dermatologist!!!!!

I said a whole ton of other stuff that I won't bother to type out, but you guys can all guess what I would have said.

My mother showed me the jar of food and said DD only ate a little bit. It was a Stage 2 jar of apples & bananas (DD is still on Stage 1) and half of it was gone - not a little bit. She made a remark about planning on giving me the jar b/c DD enjoyed it so much (total BS - if I hadn't found the spoon I wouldn't know, which is part of what pi$$ed me off since I have a spreadsheet of what she is eating for her ped to make sure her intro to solids is going OK, and now I know I can't trust my mom to give me accurate info for it)

When I saw the spoon in the sink I was livid and my immediate reaction is that I have to put DD in daycare even though I wanted to avoid that until she was a year old. Did I mention how DD was supposed to get the fruit with her oatmeal at 10AM this morning and I found the spoon at 6PM? I was so angry I didn't ask what time they gave DD the fruit so I didn't give her rice cereal and veggie when I got home, which means now DD's schedule is messed up.

Oh, and when I checked out the carseat in the back of my mother's car . . . it was front facing! I told her that you can't do front facing until a child is a year old, but I don't know if she will listen to me and not put DD in it.

Basically I don't trust my mother to do what I ask when it comes to DD after today's events.

Do I suck it up and put DD in daycare ASAP and keep her away from my mother?

Do I have a calm rational discussion with her after today's shouting match about what happened? (which ended with me crying the entire 45 minute ride home w/ DD b/c I feel I can't trust my own mother)

Do I have DH call her?

I'm at a loss. I am soooo angry and sooo upset over the entire thing. I just don't know what to do.

Re: WWYD - Family/Child care related

Dar,

You have another babysitter....

We'll figure something out...

Re: WWYD - Family/Child care related

I have to be honest... your situation is the EXACT reason my DD is in daycare rather than with either grandmother. I could so see me battling the food thing with both his mother and mine... not to mention some other issues with each of them.

I absolutely love daycare and I can't believe I'm saying that b/c a year ago I never thought I would. Not only do they do everything I request (whether it's something they agree with or not - I don't even know b/c they just do it), but they keep her entertained and they LOVE her. She just started but there is one teacher in particular that she just clicks so well with, I can see it in DD's eyes. I know I can trust the teachers - probably more than I could trust our mom's unfortunately. The babies all have different things going on, but they know exactly what each on needs. Funny how 2-3 teachers could take care of several infants and our mom's would stink at caring for one. I know that his mother would give food way too early and she fights me on everything - sometimes for the mere sake of doing so. DD would be locked up in a small house in Queens all day and when her other grandchild comes over occassionally - I could see him ending up watching DD instead of her. My mom would probably put my DD on WW and count the points in formula - not to mention the fact she smokes in the house wich makes me , then wonders why I don't give her more time with DD . That generation is a little nutty when it comes to eating. A woman stopped me in a store today to ask me when I'll be putting DD on solids b/c she disagrees with how her daughter is handling her grandchild. I told her - "well, times have changed and your daughter has to follow her doctor's recommendations".

Anyway, I hope it works out... maybe try talking with your mom and tell her how it makes you feel when she undermines your mothering. Remind her it's your name on your DC's birth certificat - not her's! Sometimes it's tougher to have your feelings honored by family than by "strangers"/professional care givers.

Message edited 7/25/2008 11:27:19 PM.

Re: WWYD - Family/Child care related

If I were in your position I'd find another child care situation as soon as possible.

It sounds to me like your mother is not respecting they way you want to raise your child. It seems like you've tried to get your point across with no understanding on her part. Especially what she said about not believing you AND your sister about allergic reactions. YOU are the mother, you and DH make the decisions.

Your mother is not only disrespecting you and your DH's instructions but she is putting your DC in danger. Both with the car seat and with the food. Society has learned a lot since our mothers raised us and while we may not always be right we certainly know a lot more now. Things are different now.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I hope you can work things out easily.

Re: WWYD - Family/Child care related

Posted by hbugal

Dar,

You have another babysitter....

We'll figure something out...

Re: WWYD - Family/Child care related

Oh Darlene, mere words can't express how this latest turn of events makes me feel. I wish I could physically help you out with Marianna.

Unfortunately, this is crazy!!! You need to get her into Daycare. The food thing was bad enough, but the forward facing carseat is UNACCEPTABLE!!!! You have dealt with enough with her arguing with you for 6 months about EBF (which you know I completely understood.)

Wait! Did you mention why she drove her anyway? ARGH!!! I have so much to say I can't even remember if there was a valid reason to drive her anywhere.

Oh goodness, we will have much to discuss on Wednesday. Hang in there!!

Re: WWYD - Family/Child care related

As sad as it will be that your DD won't have the time with her grandmother any more, if it were me - I would start looking into daycare. If my Mother could not respect my instructions over the care of her grandchild, then I could not leave DD in her care. Whether or not SHE believes your DD has food allergies - YOU - HER MOTHER gave instructions and she needs to follow them. I can't even understand about the carseat. But I would have fears all day long about what else was going on that I did not know about.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I expect that once your Mom finds out you are putting DD into daycare, things will get sticky with her. But this is for DD's best interest now - just remember that no matter what she says

Re: WWYD - Family/Child care related

I think you need to find alternate arrangements. Your mom is going against your wishes and that is not fair - you are the mother!! I feel so bad for you that it has come to this- Good Luck!

Re: WWYD - Family/Child care related

Daycare, the right one, may be the best answer.