Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

Please don’t quote I’m going to delete in a bit. It’s a long post but maybe a nice change from covid topics!

My daughter is part of a friend group of about 7-12 girls that have been friends since 1st grade (they are in 6th now). Some of the girls are closer/more social than others and some of the moms/dads are closer/more social than others. The girls (including my daughter) spend most of their summer week days together at camps, pools etc. Some of the girls hang out on the weekends too. We have a big family and a lot of events and get togethers so we are often not participating in everything with the friend group and honestly, I really like our family time and like having a balance.

Here’s the problem where I could use some advise. Thanks to social media (Snapchat, tick tick etc) my daughter is seeing the girls when they are together without her - it’s never the whole group minus her but smaller groups of girls at each others houses, pools etc getting together without inviting her or telling her. Every single time she feels hurt and draws the conclusion that they don’t like her and aren’t really her friends and I know she truly believes this.

I have explained to her that they are nice girls and she has fun with them and is included in a lot and doesn’t need to be included in everything and that doesn’t mean they don’t like her etc but I can tell what I am saying doesn’t matter. Personally, I’m honestly not sure why she isn’t always included if it is that they don’t like her as much as the other girls or it could even be my fault because I’m not as social, partier etc as the other moms.

In my dream world I would take away all social media and her phone but that’s not realistic or going to solve the problem. She’s 11 so I’m sure it’s only going to get harder in the years ahead. I feel like I’m not handling this well or saying the right things.

Any advice or inside from BTDT moms would be greatly appreciated

Message edited 8/1/2021 8:42:29 PM.

Re: Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

Social media is so hard on kids that age.
Tell her to plan something, offer to host and invite them all. You can’t always wait to be included, sometimes you have to be the one driving things

Re: Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

Re: Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

It's probably moreso that the other moms are closer and more social. Are they working moms? Do they have the summers off? I, for example, am always working and I know I miss out on the "Tuesdays at the Beach" or the pool get togethers where the moms hang out and socialize.

I think this is a rite of passage for all girls. There is no way to cushion them from being ostracized or from mean girls. I know it is hard when it is your baby but I think we all have gone through this to some capacity. Just be supportive and listen.

I would be happy that she was telling me her feelings. You don't always need to have an answer or solution. Sometimes a hug or can help.

Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

Is there anyone in the group she is closer with? In my experience as they get older, these large groups of friends tend to break up into smaller groups of maybe 3-4. Does she have a best friend? My daughter is in college now, but I think the biggest thing she learned about her school years is that its way nicer to have one or two loyal best friends than a large group of fake friends that don't know you well. Maybe encourage her to make closer friendships with those she has most in common with and hang out with those friends more.

Message edited 8/2/2021 8:33:02 AM.

Re: Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

I agree that social media is a big problem, but I think more and more parents (mostly moms) and taking over their kid’s social lives. My mom would drop me off at playdates, maybe would stay for coffee if I was young and it was a new friend. Otherwise she would go home. There wasn’t sunbathing and day drinking with other moms at the pool.

I think it’s doing a disservice to these kids as they need to figure out on their own who they enjoy spending time with.

I would keep doing what you’re doing and invite people over on occasion. But don’t feel obligated to invite over the entire group—let your daughter dictate who she wants to spend time with. And as pp said the groups will start to branch off soon into smaller friend groups.

Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

Social media is the devil. All kids have FOMO. It is rampant especially with tween/teen girls. There is really nothing to do except keep instilling in your daughter that is ok not to be included in everything, since she is doing many of her own things and try to have her plan her own hang outs with her friends when she has time. I had to take away my daughter's social media for a few months (she's 14) because it was getting so bad. It is hard and it does not get any easier. Girls are nasty and mean and I can not tell you how many bullying incidents we had to deal with the school about last year. I always say that wish those Freaky Friday movies were real because I would love to be my daughter, just for a day, to put all these mean girls in their place.

Re: Moms of tween/teen girls - need advice

Social media does make it hard and it gets harder as they get older because some of the girls are going to gravitate to sports and activities that they will share outside of the group.
Encourage her to reach out to the friends that she feels closest too.
I don't think it's because they don't like her as much - It's probably opportunity. If they are seeing each other more - it's likely they are making plans when they are together. I don't think there is anything wrong with also sharing with them that she would love to come over to the pool next time.