Need Family Advice (LONG)

Hey ladies!! I am really depressed about a family situation and i could really use some unbiased feedback.

My mom and i didn't have the best relationship growing up. She can be petty, immature and sometimes outright mean to me. When i met my dh and he saw the way she treated me, he grew to seriously dislike her.

DH and I have been married now 5 years and my husband does whatever he can to make it so that my mom and i have a very strained relationship (since i've moved out of her house, though, we've gotten along MUCH better). He checks the caller ID to see how many times she's called, makes me turn down my parents invites for dinner, etc.

Since ds was born, my dh has really tried to control how many times my mom and i speak. My parents feel like they never get to see the baby. This prompted my mom to send me two nasty e-mails, that my dh printed up and plans on saving (we have a joint e-mail account so he saw them both first).

When i called my mom and dad to patch things up, i just wanted to make things better and i didn't bring up how awful the e-mails made me feel (She brought up stuff in them just to hurt me that has nothing to do with any current issue she is upset about). My dh is furious with me that i didn't address the e-mails with her (i know i would never get an apology from her - she never thinks she is wrong).

DH is not speaking to me now and i am so tired of this. I swear....we will get a divorce someday over his issues with my mother.

What do i do? How do i get my hubby to understand that bringing up how hurt i was over the e-mails just opens the wound all over again? He says that by not addressing the e-mails, i'm saying she can treat me this way. I just want to move on...

Re: Need Family Advice (LONG)

UGh, that's a tough situation. First of all, I know that your DH has your best interest at heart, but he needs to stop controling the situation. He probably thinks that controling how much you deal with your mother will make the situation go away, but it's obviously making it worse. Have you told him that you don't like him interfering with your relationship with her? I understand that he doesn't like to see you hurt, but he still is seeing you hurt, so what good is he really doing? This is not his situation to deal with, therefore he should not be dictating to you how you should handle it. My husband has no relationship with his mother now, and it took me a long time to realize that I could not help him handle her, he had to do it all on his own.
I think you need to sit down with DH and tell him that, while you know he cares about you and doesn't want you to hurt, he's not helping, and that you will handle your mother however you see fit.
She's YOUR mother, you've had her all your life, and I'm sure you have your ways of handling her. I know that I have a mother who very rarely thinks the hurtful things she says are wrong. Infact, she can justify the cruelest, meanest things so that even I can think she's right. It's sick, and while I don't like it, I keep the peace because I know she won't change, and she's still a good mother to me. I think it's very hard for a man to understand the relationship between a daughter and her mom, so there's no way they can really tell you what to do about it.
Anyway, I know I didn't really give any advice, but I really do think you need to sit hubby down and tell him that he's making it harder on you. He probably thinks he can solve it all for you, and is just trying to help

Re: Need Family Advice (LONG)

Wow... I could have written this exact post myself, word for word. My dh came from a "Leave it to Beaver", perfect family and was traumatized to see how my family operated when we married. It was a good deal dysfunctional to him and he hated seeing me (and still does) erupting into tears because of things my mother does and says.

However, I have told him repeatedly that I married him in part because I enjoyed the way his family did things and did not want to imitate my family for my future. I think that that was a lot of his fears as well. I also told him flat out- we would always have a relationship with my mom (It was up to me to figure out how to deal with her and for him to support me- not control the situation). Life doesn't unfold like a movie and everything always winds up perfectly but I do myy best with my mother.

Don't despair- This is a new problem. It will get better through the years you are together- as you learn how to jointly deal with your mom. Just nip the controlling thing in the bud now. It is unacceptable and this is marriage. You deal with things together. Shutting out ones family member is not the way you all should deal with this. As my rabbi said when we married, all this "comes with the dinner".

Good luck!

Message edited 5/28/2007 4:33:29 PM.

Re: Need Family Advice (LONG)

Re: Need Family Advice (LONG)

Posted by prncss

UGh, that's a tough situation. First of all, I know that your DH has your best interest at heart, but he needs to stop controling the situation. He probably thinks that controling how much you deal with your mother will make the situation go away, but it's obviously making it worse. Have you told him that you don't like him interfering with your relationship with her? I understand that he doesn't like to see you hurt, but he still is seeing you hurt, so what good is he really doing? This is not his situation to deal with, therefore he should not be dictating to you how you should handle it. My husband has no relationship with his mother now, and it took me a long time to realize that I could not help him handle her, he had to do it all on his own.
I think you need to sit down with DH and tell him that, while you know he cares about you and doesn't want you to hurt, he's not helping, and that you will handle your mother however you see fit.
She's YOUR mother, you've had her all your life, and I'm sure you have your ways of handling her. I know that I have a mother who very rarely thinks the hurtful things she says are wrong. Infact, she can justify the cruelest, meanest things so that even I can think she's right. It's sick, and while I don't like it, I keep the peace because I know she won't change, and she's still a good mother to me. I think it's very hard for a man to understand the relationship between a daughter and her mom, so there's no way they can really tell you what to do about it.
Anyway, I know I didn't really give any advice, but I really do think you need to sit hubby down and tell him that he's making it harder on you. He probably thinks he can solve it all for you, and is just trying to help

Re: Need Family Advice (LONG)

Just wanted to say that the same line your mother crosses is the same line your dh is crossing. Both are making life very hard for you. these destructive problems are probably reoccuring for you bc you have yet to speak up. Why...because it sounds like you were raised this way. My advice...from the get go...let your dh know that NO he can not control you and tell you how to live your life. Then take care of your mother and tell her that you are a grown adult making your own decisions. If you continue on such a path you will probably fall into other patterns with friends and colleagues controlling decisions for you as well. I know its hard and my ideas are not "perfect" but I think your first step is to gain respect from the people around you. Sounds like somewhere along the line your boundaries were crossed. Good Luck to you