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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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I swear I'm being tortured...
and yes, I'm going there- it's about religion! 
DH and I went to church this morning. OF COURSE one of like 3 children in the whole place had to sit RIGHT in front of me- playing with his little Arthur stuffed animal and smiling and laughing while turning around to look at me, in between hugging and kissing his mom. 
Am I being tortured? As I sat there, praying for everyone on this board (literally) I started crying... and that's when it hit me. I'm MAD at God!  I'm so angry I could scream! I'm not even sure that he exists at this point--- how could he allow us to all suffer like this if he does? I'm so lost- and my DH is so certain of God, it's his top priority in life... those of you who were on here like a year or two ago will remember the strugges we went thru and how it almost divorced us...
I'm so worn out... and completely confused. I had 2 women approach me asking me if everything was alright afterwards, probably because they saw me break down a few times throughout the mass... and I just smiled and said yes, then left.
This isn't meant to start any religious debates, but I had to open up to someone and it certainly isn't going to be my DH --- not today--- I couldn't handle the heated discussion it would bring about... Vent over, thanks for listening... 
Message edited 4/13/2008 11:51:07 AM.
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Posted 4/13/08 11:50 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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MrsRivera
2 under 2...whew!!
Member since 2/07 9876 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
I know exactly what you mean. I was mad at God throughout this whole process. I still am, because it's not fair that so many people get pregnant so easily, and then go on to neglect their children. Yet some couples who would give ANYTHING for a child go through all of this.
I'm always amazed by people who are so certain of God...but that's a whole other discussion for a whole other thread. 
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| Posted 4/13/08 11:58 AM |
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BA2008
Need to find some hope!
Member since 2/08 2485 total posts
Name:
Beth -Ann
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
I'm a totally different religion than you. But, i was thinking the same thing this morning. As everything is starting to hit me and the fear is starting to take over and the disappointment in everything.
And when you think like this, you're supposed to convince yourself that there is a higher purpose etc..etc.... What could that be...heartache?
If I start to talk bout this w/ DH he can not understand. He tries to but he's always so positive and confident in all this. And when I ask how could he be...he responds because I'm so negative. talking to him right now will only lead me to get more angry. Though I'm sure he means well. We're on two different planets most of the time.
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| Posted 4/13/08 12:03 PM |
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Gertyrae
Peace out Homies!
Member since 5/05 20046 total posts
Name:
Gerty ®
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
You don't even want me to go here right now....I haven't been to Church since March.
I can't bring myself to accept what has happened in the face of God...I'm becoming more accepting that it was His Will, but I'm not quite ready to go to Church yet.
It's not that I don't believe, it's more that to go and worship right now seems very hypocritical right now.
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| Posted 4/13/08 12:10 PM |
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sfp0701
Liam's Mommy!
Member since 1/07 9764 total posts
Name:
Tricia
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Ummm yeah... I started to cry in confession right before easter. I told the priest I am angry at god and jealous of women with babies.. He didn't tell me I was nuts.
He told me it was perfectly fine to be angry with god. He said there was even a verse in the bible about it. He said.. God is a big boy.. he can take it. Don't be angry with people... Be angry with him.
I was kind of shocked at that but It made me feel so much better.
Sooo Go ahead and be angry. 
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| Posted 4/13/08 12:24 PM |
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MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3
Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Posted by Gertyrae
You don't even want me to go here right now....I haven't been to Church since March.
I can't bring myself to accept what has happened in the face of God...I'm becoming more accepting that it was His Will, but I'm not quite ready to go to Church yet.
It's not that I don't believe, it's more that to go and worship right now seems very hypocritical right now.
While I can't even begin the know what you and your family are going through Gerty, ( ), I couldn't agree with you more.
While I don't share the same religion with most of you on this board. And with one of my holiday's upon us, I have no desire at all to worship a g-d that would allow these types of things to happen. I have never been religious, but prior to us going through our first IVF process we reached out to those closest to us to pray for us, and my feelings right now is if we spent all this time and energy praying for the IVF to work, and praying that every woman dealing with IF and loss to never have to know this type of pain, and then have it not work (the prayers), then why bother? Why bother praying to a g-d to help us through these dark and times and to give us what we so long and yearn for, only to give it to us and then take it away so abruptly? It makes no sense, and makes me question my faith in him. Maybe I will feel differently as I emotionally heal from my m/c, but right now, to pray and worship g-d, as Gerty said, would be totally hypocritical at this time.
Sorry to ramble on, but these emotions and thoughts are so recent, and still on the surface.
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| Posted 4/13/08 12:35 PM |
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babyfaith
Onward and Upward!
Member since 2/08 3210 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
I am not a religious person but I say things like "maybe God doesn't want me to have a baby" or "maybe he knows something I don't". It's so easy to question a higher power during this since it truly is a miracle when it happens and when it doesn't it's seems like such a betrayal.
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| Posted 4/13/08 2:22 PM |
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SweetTooth
I'm a tired mommy!
Member since 12/05 20105 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
I am not religious at all, but even I have questioned God with all that has gone on - from infertility, to miscarriage, to my best friend dying.
If I was a religous person, I think I would have a very hard time believing in my faith after all this.
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| Posted 4/13/08 4:06 PM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Posted by Gertyrae
You don't even want me to go here right now....I haven't been to Church since March.
I can't bring myself to accept what has happened in the face of God...I'm becoming more accepting that it was His Will, but I'm not quite ready to go to Church yet.
It's not that I don't believe, it's more that to go and worship right now seems very hypocritical right now.
Thank you for answering this. I was hoping that you would, but I wasn't sure if you'd be able to just yet. Gerty, honestly, all that I'm going thru isn't what made me question his existence... it what he took from you, and what he's taken from others on our board. I can't believe that if God exists, and he's a just God, that he could allow certain people to become mothers, and not others, who so clearly would be great at it...
I've looked to you for guidance and support since I joined this board, and you've always given it, freely and lovingly, even after you became PG. Those are all amazing qualities in a person, and would clearly make amazing qualities in a mother... and I just don't understand...
And Gerty, if you ever feel like you want to "go there" (from your post above)- PLEASE DO! NO ONE on here is going to think any differently of you- and if they do, scr** them! You have EVERY right to be angry- I AM FOR YOU!!! It may help you in your healing. We love you and we're here for you....
Message edited 4/13/2008 7:05:09 PM.
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| Posted 4/13/08 6:56 PM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Thanks ladies- I thought I might be flamed for even posting about my thoughts on God, but I have to say I'm glad that I'm not alone...
I spent the afternoon watching DH (and myself) play with my niece and nephew  I truly saw good in the world today- which I didn't think could be done given my outlook on things earlier in the day... I really thought it was going to be one of those days where I just go back to bed. I had so much stuff to do around the house and I wanted to meet a friend for lunch (you know who you are  ) and i never got around to getting back to them (SORRY!!! ) because the last few days have been hard... but then my niece called me (she's almost 5) and asked me to please come over b/c she didn't see me yesterday and I only see her on the weekends--- and i just didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't have it in me so I sucked it up and went--- and I'm so glad I did.
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| Posted 4/13/08 7:01 PM |
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Diana712
RIP my beloved Brother Richard
Member since 5/07 6710 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Posted by MrsMessina
and yes, I'm going there- it's about religion!
DH and I went to church this morning. OF COURSE one of like 3 children in the whole place had to sit RIGHT in front of me- playing with his little Arthur stuffed animal and smiling and laughing while turning around to look at me, in between hugging and kissing his mom.
Am I being tortured? As I sat there, praying for everyone on this board (literally) I started crying... and that's when it hit me. I'm MAD at God! I'm so angry I could scream! I'm not even sure that he exists at this point--- how could he allow us to all suffer like this if he does? I'm so lost- and my DH is so certain of God, it's his top priority in life... those of you who were on here like a year or two ago will remember the strugges we went thru and how it almost divorced us...
I'm so worn out... and completely confused. I had 2 women approach me asking me if everything was alright afterwards, probably because they saw me break down a few times throughout the mass... and I just smiled and said yes, then left.
This isn't meant to start any religious debates, but I had to open up to someone and it certainly isn't going to be my DH --- not today--- I couldn't handle the heated discussion it would bring about... Vent over, thanks for listening...
OMG did I write this or you??????? I put an end to that kids right in front of me crap right away! I get there 10 minutes early and I sit right in the front row first seat on the right corner!!!! Every single Sunday all I do is see the Bishop sing my heart out cry my eyes out and listen to the sermen!!! They have to peel me off the pew. And if someone is in me seat I just pray for acceptance. But its hard. I still sit in the first row but in a different location. Now as far as being mad at God. I sure was for a very long time. Then I got involved in a womens ministry that helped me on acceptance. They showed me scripture where I can see that God does love me. I thought he was mad at me!!! I hate to get preachy and I hope I am not but this was the best post I have EVER read. The scripture I loved the most when I first started was in Jeremiah 29:11And it says "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity not disaster. Plans to bring about the future you hope for" I hope this helps. Just try to hold on. 
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| Posted 4/13/08 7:19 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Its a rough situation to feel that way. Im sorry
I can say I was never angry at God though. When I lost my daughter at 24 weeks , I wasnt, Not duirng my M/c's that followed not during the IF and IVF that took over my life.
I wasnt mad because I believe 100% that negativity breeds more negativity.
If I think badly about what I have not been given, then why should I ever be given anything?
I dont believe there is a God thats there like a fairy godmother waiting to fufill our every wish...
There must be a reason for this all and I may never know it, but Its not because God didnt want me to be happy.
I dont believe he grants my happiness, nor Takes it away.
This life is a journey and if there was no pain and sorrow..well could we ever know happiness? Happiness cannot exisit without sadness.
Dont get me wrong, it took time to accept this all, but I try to believe it.
I try to see what I have been given every possible moment. ( Its the only way I can survive  )
Hang tough.....Better times will come.
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| Posted 4/13/08 7:53 PM |
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IrishLasss334
I'll be there soon!
Member since 1/08 6549 total posts
Name:
Patty
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
I am crying as I am reading these posts...this was me after my second loss last October. I couldn't go back to church for awhile, I was so angry with GOd for letting this happen to me again. I felt like I was being punished for doing something wrong.
I eventually found my way back before Christmas and have been clinging to prayer ever since. Some days, I think it's the only thing that helps me.
You will find your way, it will work out. We all will.
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| Posted 4/14/08 8:47 AM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Thanks everyone... I couldn't keep it all in anymore last night and DH and I had that talk... which as I suspected it would, turned into a heated discussion... in the end I just left it at "you have your beliefs/opinions, and I have mine"
Then I felt really and he finally came back in our room and told me it'd be ok and we'd get thru it, which was exactly what I needed to hear.
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| Posted 4/14/08 12:25 PM |
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leighdvm
My golden boys!
Member since 3/06 4419 total posts
Name:
Michele
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Posted by dilb712
"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity not disaster. Plans to bring about the future you hope for"
That is a AWESOME quote.....
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| Posted 4/14/08 12:42 PM |
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Daisy32
Mommy
Member since 2/08 8081 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
I can't say I haven't thought the same thing as you guys but I do know that I HAVE to believe that He has a plan for me and that there is a reason me and DH are going through this. I've been through some horribly traumatic times minus this IF journey- things that I can't get into on here for privacty reasons kwim..... and still I HAVE to hold on to my faith...... because sometimes I feel like its all I have. But I know what you mean... I really do
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| Posted 4/14/08 1:51 PM |
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LaurenExp
Waiting patiently for baby sis
Member since 8/06 11613 total posts
Name:
L-Diddy EDD 11/11/11 :)
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
I totally understand what you're saying. And honestly, when I lost my son, and through my chemicals/miscarriage I really turned away from my faith. But with this last chemical, I actually turned toward my faith for comfort. I feel like I keep getting slapped in the face, thinking "oh this will be the cycle" and getting a BFN or thinking "oh, now this one" and having to take a break because of cysts...but I keep trying to hold on for dear life. I'm hanging on by a thread, here...
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| Posted 4/14/08 3:35 PM |
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Daisy32
Mommy
Member since 2/08 8081 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Posted by LaurenExp
I totally understand what you're saying. And honestly, when I lost my son, and through my chemicals/miscarriage I really turned away from my faith. But with this last chemical, I actually turned toward my faith for comfort. I feel like I keep getting slapped in the face, thinking "oh this will be the cycle" and getting a BFN or thinking "oh, now this one" and having to take a break because of cysts...but I keep trying to hold on for dear life. I'm hanging on by a thread, here...
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| Posted 4/14/08 4:51 PM |
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hope316
LIF Adult
Member since 8/07 1085 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Posted by leighdvm
Posted by dilb712
"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity not disaster. Plans to bring about the future you hope for"
That is a AWESOME quote.....
Thanks for encouragement! Faith is all I have to keep me going.
I sometimes also find help from this websites/forums
www.hannah.org
www.bethany.org/step (my favorite)
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| Posted 4/14/08 5:27 PM |
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SSL
LIF Zygote
Member since 4/08 10 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
Hello
I know how you feel. My husband & I go to the 8am mass because usually there are no kids. Church is one of the hardset places for me/us. Why is that.
I stopped going to Church after my last negative test result in mid march.
I feel like god gave up on me so I gave up on him.
Good Luck
Message edited 4/14/2008 6:58:20 PM.
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| Posted 4/14/08 6:27 PM |
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juju
Welcome to the World!
Member since 5/05 6747 total posts
Name:
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
I have gone back and forth being mad at GOD. But, I also find that it has brought me closer to him. I also find it difficult going to church and right around the corner is Mother's day and I may avoid it all together. Esp. b/c four years ago on Mother's day, I learned that I was PG but later miscarried.
Feel Better!
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| Posted 4/14/08 8:59 PM |
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Kris516
Love The Roo
Member since 2/08 2024 total posts
Name:
Kris
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Re: I swear I'm being tortured...
All I can offer is my thoughts and prayers. I admire all of you and your strength.
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| Posted 4/15/08 12:06 AM |
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