IRL Friend support

so how are your friends treating you since the loss. i feel like they care of course... but at the same time, they are not supportive,, sometimes i feel like the girls on here are more of a support ... i know if you never experienced it then people might not understand as much... but still.. just to be there for a friend .. its hard to come by these days

Re: IRL Friend support

nobody talks about it.. it's like it never happened

ETA: It's not like I want to talk about it, what I mean is that I got the "I'm Sorry's" but that was it. I do understand in a way though, it's one of those things people just don't know what to say about.

Message edited 9/17/2008 3:28:48 PM.

Re: IRL Friend support

Posted by MrsRbk

nobody talks about it.. it's like it never happened

Re: IRL Friend support

My 2 BFF dont' treat me any differently, it's great, they are very supportive. My other friends, some of them even avoid me or just ignore it all together like it never happened.

Re: IRL Friend support

most of them its like it never happened.. no of them understand because none of them are at the point in life that I am married and wanting to have a baby.. some still need to wake up and realize that its the "real world" I dont really hold it against them tho because thats just where they are right now

Re: IRL Friend support

I find more support here. It's easy to talk to people that have been through it.


I hate being told "be positive, I know that the next pregnancy will work for you."

How do you know ?
Are you a OB as a side job that I did not know about ?
Or did you wake up this morning being able to predict the future ?

As if being positive prevents miscarriages and I'm being paranoid worrying

Re: IRL Friend support

My friends have been great but I think its easier for them to relate b/c they've been through it.....both my BFF's have had a m/c so we kind of support each other.
Dont take it personally if they dont really bring it up though...I think people just feel really uncomfortable talking about something so painful for you. They're probably worried they'll say the wrong thing. Know what I mean?

Re: IRL Friend support

we really didn't tell anyone I was pregnant.....we were waiting to tell about my pregancy and I'm so glad that we did.
We didnt' even tell parents until the miscarraige.
I'm sure I'll eventually tell my friends if the need arises. I think not having to share the news with others who have not gone through it is helpful.
I turn here when necessary. Even my friends who may have gone through this now have gone on to have babies...., so I think they are removed and wouldn't empathize.
No need to tell them.

Re: IRL Friend support

My family and friends have been very supportive but I think it is because many of them have been through the same thing. I think it is really hard for people to relate to this kind of sorrow and grief if they've never experienced it for themselves.

Re: IRL Friend support

as an outsider looking in...(i've never experienced the loss, but know MANY people who have)...

i'm always thinking of the person/people i know that have had this experience, but I hesitate to ask how a person is doing....because I'm so afraid of hurting the person...

For example, let's call my friend Jen. Jen had a miscarriage and it's been a few months. She's OKAY, we talk regularly, etc... Let's say she's having a good day, not a great day, but she's feeling alright and then I go and ask, 'how are you?' with the concerned tone.... I would be miserable to know that with just that question, i could bring her down...

What is an appropriate way to handle that? Is there one? I hesitate to say, if she wanted to talk about it - she would, but on some level, maybe she needs me to bring it up...

Re: IRL Friend support

Only 2 of my friends actually know about what happened. One has been incredibly supportive & asks me how I'm doing whenever we talk (she lives OOS), but she's been through it so we feel comfortable talking about our losses together. My other friend has only asked me once how I'm doing...I think that she wants to ask sometimes, but not having gone through it she just doesn't know how...we've known eachother for 20+ years so sometimes I just wish she'd ask

Re: IRL Friend support

That's really nice of you to ask Jess.

When my friend asked me that one time she just asked "how are you?" but it was with a concerned/sad look that let me know what she was referring to. Even though I felt sad thinking about it, it meant a lot to me that she asked & acknowledged it. I just answered with an "OK...it hurts a lot, but I'm trying to keep strong" and left it at that, but it meant the world to me that she asked...

Re: IRL Friend support

I hard a really hard time with some people after my miscarriage. I felt like I was given a week or so to grieve after it happened & then I was supposed to move on like magic. A lot of people didn't understand why I became even more crazy about TTC after the miscarriage. I had a lot of friends worrying about me & getting angry at me for "obsessing" about getting pregnant & for still thinking about the baby I lost.

It took about a month after the loss before I decided to not mention it to my friends anymore & I decided not to give out any info about our TTC journey. It was easier that way for everyone involved. I don't think any friends or family were ill intentioned, but none of my friends have ever been pregnant or TTC so they didn't really understand since they hadn't been there. I found the best support on the TTC board, and fortunately through my mother & DH.

That's another reason I think this board is so great. It's so unfortunate that so many of us have been there, but I think it will be a wonderful source of support coming from people who understand the pain.

Re: IRL Friend support

Posted by MetsGirl07

Posted by MrsRbk

nobody talks about it.. it's like it never happened

YES... this is what im saying!! like they never even ask how i am doing... and i dont ask much...but at least give me that!!

Re: IRL Friend support

Posted by BABYMAMA13

Posted by MetsGirl07

Posted by MrsRbk

nobody talks about it.. it's like it never happened

YES... this is what im saying!! like they never even ask how i am doing... and i dont ask much...but at least give me that!!

same here.

Re: IRL Friend support

No one I know ever went throught a miscarriage. Of course when I told them, they were all sympathetic, but they did not truly understand. No one ever brought it up to me again after I told them.

Re: IRL Friend support

no one brings it up, but in their defense I think it's a hard topic to bring up.

My close friend told me ' I always wonder how you are doing, but dont want to bring it up. I know you, when you want to talk about it you will bring it up." Which is true


worst friend attempt at bringing it up so far :

"So what's up with you and the baby thing ?"
I almost died....

Also, when I became pregnant the second time, none of my friends touched it. Even though they saw me drinking water instead of wine at a party and knew instantly. No one said a word.

Sad that instead of being exciting, it becomes taboo to mention. But I totally understand why they didnt mention it, I probably would wait for the person to mention it too.

Message edited 9/19/2008 11:31:29 AM.

Re: IRL Friend support

When I miscarried, it was ALL I wanted to talk about. That was my therapy, and it lasted for a long time after that. i could sense people getting tired of hearing about it, but I talked and cried anyway, because it was what I needed. Since I have finally come to terms with it, I have realized that unless a person has, themselves gone through it, they will never know how to be supportive in the way that you need them to be. Including your DH. It's not their fault, it's just how it is. Most probably feel that not bringing it up at all is better than talking about it or saying something that could possible upset you.

I also feel like I get more support from this website because all of the girls here KNOW what it FEELS like to have that feeling of emptiness and desperation to fulfill that empiness. But at the same time, I don't hold it against family and friends that they just don't know what to do to make me feel better. DH even gets frustrated with me when I call him crying because the doctor's appointment I was at was nothing but bad news. He just feels so bad for me and doesn't know how to make it right. Because he can't.

I guess what I am trying to say is, don't take it too personal. If people knew what to do- I bet they would do it in a heartbeat. It is a sticky situation, though.