PLEASE HELP (very long-sorry)

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Member since 2/06

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Name:
Anna

PLEASE HELP (very long-sorry)

I really need to hear opinions on this from outside the situation. What would you do if it were you. Would it be over?

I found out that my husband (of almost three years who I have been with for 9 years) had an email address I did not know about that was started before we were engaged. In the account, there was mostly junk and the account had not been used for 6 months or more. However, the account led me to discover that three months after we were married, he had signed up for two dating websites. He created fake profiles that were very close to his real identity. He identified himself as being single and looking for dates/intimacy. In the description box, he wrote “I would like to meet a nice girl who is friendly and likes to have a good time. Send me an email if you want to chat.” I was able to see that he never sent or received emails, or communicated with anyone on these sites. But, outside of thes sites - I do not know. On only one of the websites I could see the pictures he viewed – the majority of them were from his hometown where he grew up.

When I confronted him about this (after the initial denials and lies) he said that he didn’t even remember doing this, it was a very long time ago and he would never have done this now as he was “immature” then, he was bored at work and just “messing around” surfing the web, it was a joke and it meant nothing and he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. When asked about the profile views he said he was just curious, interested to see who was on there/what was “out there” from his hometown, just liked looking at the pics etc. According to him, he never felt he was doing anything wrong, didn’t think this had anything to do with me or our marriage (WHAT????). He said he never actually communicated with anyone on these websites or on the internet and never wanted to or had the intention of doing so. However, he sort of alluded to the fact that if someone had attempted communication he probably would have talked to them (WHAT???). He swears those were the only times he ever did something like that and never ever cheated on me or considered cheating on me (although, I consider this close to cheating and I really don't believe I have gotten the entire truth). I have ransacked everything – the cc bills, the bank statements, his email accounts I know about, his cell phone bill etc and found no other reason to doubt him. HOWEVER, that said, I know he knows me well enough to know that I would discover something in one of these places so I do not doubt that he could be hiding a lot more.

I could keep writing forever but this is long enough. Very importantly, he has never outright admitted anything to me until he had no choice. I feel like his answers to many of my questions make no sense and I feel like he is still not being honest with me about who he is and why he did these things. Most disconcerting about this is that the man I have known for ten years I would NEVER have expected to do this. I would have bet a million dollars that he wouldn’t have done something like this and that is what is bothering me most of all. Because I cannot rationalize what he has done with who he is I am questioning everything. You know when you think you know someone, the type of person they are and what they would do? Aside from being angry enough about his actual actions I am more angry about the fact that I now believe there is a good possibility he is nothing like who I really thought he was.

Had I know this, what he was capable of, I would not have married him. I tolerate very little in relationships. The problem is, obviously, we are married now. I am catholic and took my vows very seriously. But, I honestly feel I do not want to be married to a man that would go on a dating website, write what he did as a married man and not feel bad about it. I just really do not know what to do.

Thank you so so so so much for your input Chat Icon

Posted 2/23/06 6:51 PM